Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

There’s no time limit of course not. But I think you have missed the point that while OP didn’t want to have sex at that particular point. She COULD OF COMPRISED or am I wrong to suggest that? The BF obviously thought he was getting lucky and he didn’t.

Yes, you're wrong. How do you compromise? You either want it or you don't.

Yes you are wrong to suggest that @Littered5

@Teensandfuture

Think main issue here is not even birthday situation but pushing boundaries in general.

He was pushing boundaries before, OP obviously wasn't comfortable and things escalated.

OP you need to understand he won't change, you will never be happy when he constantly asking for more and resentment already been building up.

Nobody will enforce your boundaries for you OP, apart from yourself.

In this situation it means leaving him and finding someone else who's more suitable.

I myself personally would not be happy if someone pushed me to do things I didn't want and I have left a dating situation for that reason, think twice.
Once was many years ago when all he talked about anal sex and didn't understand repeated no. He didn't actually forced it but constant begging for it sucked the joy of sexual enjoyment with him.
The other situation was more recent, when hearing him voicing his fantasy made me scared and deeply uncomfortable with said fantasy. In my world it was a perversion and I couldn't be OK with that. I was sad to make a decision to leave, as he had so many positive qualities I was looking for in a partner but I would not be able to carry on.

But going by your previous reasoning , if it had been their birthday surely you should go along with it ?

You most recent posts are full of contradictions . I think you are finding it very difficult to accept what a lot of posters are saying as you have convinced yourself that your take on what constitutes a safe, loving and boundaried relationship is actually way of the mark.

@Teensandfuture

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action. If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is. It's give and take. Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

Absolutely awful way of thinking. Nobody should feel they have to behave like this in a relationship . This is not give and take . This is not a loving relationship .

@Nanny0gg

There’s no time limit of course not. But I think you have missed the point that while OP didn’t want to have sex at that particular point. She COULD OF COMPRISED or am I wrong to suggest that? The BF obviously thought he was getting lucky and he didn’t.

Yes, you're wrong. How do you compromise? You either want it or you don't.

Suggest in the morning to have sex? Or are you implying it’s ok for OP never to have sex again? She said it was because she was full (I don’t believe her). But based on what OP said..... what’s wrong with her suggesting sex the next morning? I think your view is one sided but I do agree the BF could of dealt with the situation better. However I’m sticking with my opinion that OP thought she could spend £300 and that her BF should be grateful, she took it upon herself to spend that amount of money..... if that’s the real reason that OP was full from a “3 course meal”.

@Nanny0gg

There’s no time limit of course not. But I think you have missed the point that while OP didn’t want to have sex at that particular point. She COULD OF COMPRISED or am I wrong to suggest that? The BF obviously thought he was getting lucky and he didn’t.

Yes, you're wrong. How do you compromise? You either want it or you don't.

I think your view is one sided. However we are all entitled to our own opinions

Look where spending all that money got you. Treated like crap is where.Never got a 'boyfriend' more than a mug and a funny card for a birthday. He's a next.

The OP, as far as I could see, wasn't given the option of sex in the morning when she wasn't full, because he wanted her to leave because she wasn't up for sex right then.

It wouldn't have been his birthday the following morning, though, would it?

@Littered5

He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.

There's no way in hell I'd have morning sex or even suggest after a man reacted like that when I said no.

Her reasons are also irrelevant as is whether you believe her or not.

What's relevant is that she said no and he huffed and puffed and told her to go home.

That is not a normal or healthy reaction.

A couple with a healthy relationship would have gone to bed and had a cuddle before going to sleep. Then they could have had sex the following morning, and they both could have enjoyed it.

@Littered5 @lunalulu @Teensandfuture

Please just stop...

"give an take"
"the sex should have come first"
"I would have let him go to sleep happy"
"doesn't sound believable at all"

WTAF? Why the hell is it more important for a man to have sex with someone, than it is for a woman to have her boundaries respected?

And going to sleep happy? So it's OK for op to go to sleep uncomfortable, and unhappy as long as a man is happy?

This type of attitude is disappointing and part of the problem as to why men still think, 28yrs on, that they are entitled to do what the F they like with and to our bodies.

@Littered5 I agree with another poster was OP that full that she couldn’t have sex? Because it doesn’t sound believable at all

Why?

Reasons I have given for not having sex: I don't want to. I don't need to feel too full, have a "headache," be tired. Because it's my body and I decide what I do with it. It's not up to anyone else what I do or don't have sex.

@Dery I think the OP mismanaged the situation somewhat and I don't think it's surprising that her BF was a bit hurt and pissed off ... What she didn't manage was the thing which her BF particularly wanted on his birthday and which everything seemed to be leading up to with sexy talk during dinner and set the scene for sexual intimacy afterwards

No, what op did was decide that she didn't want sex after all. Perfectly fine, perfectly valid. Nothing else to it, not matter how much you and other try to say otherwise.

@Teensandfuture Changing your mind about dinner, and changing your mind about wanting a penis in your vagina are polar fucking opposites. Don't compare a woman's body to food, it's stupid.

Look, it doesn't matter how you try to "spin" this, op was well within her rights to say no to having sex. Her "bf" should know that, and should accept that. And so should you, so perhaps stop trying to convince us otherwise.

Doesn't matter if you don't believe if she was full or not.

Doesn't matter her reason.

Maybe , just maybe, she said that to get out of having sex with such a selfish twat and her instincts were kicking in with the red flags.

Therefore shes done really well. And really well to post about it.

[quote Littered5]@Dery I’m shocked how posters have jumped the gun here. It does not sound the best from OPs description of her BF but I’ve had a sulky BF before when I have said “No” and I think some of these posters here are being quite unfair. If OP didn’t want to have sex she has every right to decline she should have said sooner though.[/quote]
SHE CAN DECLINE AT ANY POINT SHE LIKES.

And @Mittens030869 for you, lovely

He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything"

Does he know the difference between a normal woman and a prostitute because that seems to be his attitude towards women;that their just sex toys there to service him.

He doesn't sound very pleasant tbh;where do you see your relationship heading?

I believe OP mentioned spending almost £300 to merely show that she had in fact given him a wonderful special day, treating him to lovely things places and meal, despite his claims that she ruined his 'day'. Im not seeing any suggestion that this was grudged. OP you were treated very badly by your BF, he sounds vile, Im sorry for you. 🌺

@Littered5 if a man promised his girlfriend cunnilingus for her birthday and then decided after a big meal and drinks that he didn't want to, do you think he should force himself to? Would the girlfriend in question be reasonable to kick him out of the house after berating him for changing his mind?

@Littered5 just stop with the excuses. Your posts are infuriating. If OP decided to become celibate, that's her fucking choice. Sure her bf doesnt have to stay with her but he has no right to her body like it's a slab of meat. Ffs!!

Having being in a relationship like this for a long time (til I dumped the twat) I speak from experience when I say that the only way I could see this from the man's POV is by inserting my head up my own arse.

He sounds like a creep!

@Teensandfuture

Reverse situation :

Hi, it was my birthday yesterday.
My bf and I talked about making my day special and he was saying he'd take me to Betty's for tea.
We actually made a booking and went there. When we got there he suddenly changed his mind saying he's got a headache and can we live and come back another time?
aibu to be disappointed and upset?
He says I'm being unreasonable as he's made so much effort by booking and taking me to supercar test drive! But I don't like cars that much I wanted tea at Betty's!
Should have I kept quiet and say :sure darling we can go to Betty's next time, it's not a problem or should have I stayed for tea myself and letting him go home to rest? I knew tea on my own wouldn't be as fun.
I feel rejected and unloved.
Is he right in not wanting to go through with made plans or should he have made more effort to make my day special??
Thanks in advance for replies

That has to be the STUPIDEST thing I have seen this week.

We. Are. Talking. About. Sex.

That is in no way comparable to a nice tea in some fancy cafe or whatever Betty's is.

I think the OP mismanaged the situation somewhat

I agree she mismanaged the situation; she didn't leave as soon as he started being a coercive, stroppy arsehole and never see him again. But I hope she will soon.

Not feeling like sex isn't the same as not letting a partner having a meal at a restaurant they like. It's just not. Or maybe it is to some of us, but it's not to others. We aren't ''acting wrong' by not feeling able or like we should have sex we don't want.

Should have I kept quiet and say :sure darling we can go to Betty's next time

I think if someone's too knackered to face staying for a meal then that has to be respected TBH. It might make it less fun for the other to dine along, but it can't be helped, it's not the knackered person's fault- not if they're really, really knackered.

Sweet lord... he wasn't disappointed. He was angry that he couldn't have his 'rightful" access to op's body, so he made her leave, late at night.

@differentnameforthis This is a good point.

Sounds obvious he was drunk and acting immature.

@Mamabear1990 Nothing makes this ok. It's still repellent, plus it's part of a pattern of wankery stuff he's said when he's sober- so he truly believes it. Also, if it is 'just' drunkenness, he'll do stuff like it again when he's drunk, or worse.

I can imagine he feels like you led him up the garden path

@GalaxyCookieCrumble Blow me. ''She led him on.'

The BF obviously thought he was getting lucky and he didn’t.

@Littered5 Oh, the poor boy.

The feeling of being full is awful and I’ve had it to the point where I have had to lie down after. However this did not last all night until the next morning.

It mightn'tve done for OP either, but I can well imagine his strop making her feel less able to have sex. Also, she doesn't say that her abuser had said that that sex was on the table. I can understand her not wanting to in the morning after how he behaved, or he could've still been in a strop and not wanted it and/or he could've withheld sex deliberately to mess wiith her, which is another way abusers can sexually control women.

Why do people keep comparing sex to food? Why do people keep comparing a woman's body and rights over that body to food,things and other disposable/replaceable/trivial thing?

@Aerial2020

Doesn't matter if you don't believe if she was full or not.

Doesn't matter her reason.

Maybe , just maybe, she said that to get out of having sex with such a selfish twat and her instincts were kicking in with the red flags.

Therefore shes done really well. And really well to post about it.

I agree.

This is one of the most depressing threads I've read on here for a long time.

People deserve birthday sex just because it's their birthday.

You are leading blokes up the garden path if you go out for dinner but don't end up having sex with them.

Even if it is physically uncomfortable to have sex you should perform some sexual act so that they go to sleep happy.

Etc, Etc.

It is no wonder rape convictions are so low in the UK. I'm making a mental note to make sure both of dc, boy and girl actually understand about sexual consent and coercion before leaving home because they are going to meet people who don't have a clue.

Honestly you can do so much better than this.
Wait till you’re married with DC and see how this asshole treats you then! When DTD becomes a once a month thing crowbarred between nap times, breast feeds and flare ups of thrush/mastitis.

Honestly...I’d run for the hills