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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
SengaMac · 27/09/2020 13:41

Selfish bully.
I hope you've dumped him already.

YouJustDoYou · 27/09/2020 13:41

Yes, her present to her BF was very generous, but she shared in that - a day out in London with shopping, drinks and a lovely dinner - those were things she got to enjoy as well. What she didn't manage was the thing which her BF particularly wanted on his birthday and which everything seemed to be leading up to with sexy talk during dinner and set the scene for sexual intimacy afterwards

I literally cannot believe you honestly think like this. This is a horrific attitude to have. A woman has the right to change her fucking mind, for fucks sake. You're disgusting.

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 13:45

I literally cannot believe you honestly think like this. This is a horrific attitude to have. A woman has the right to change her fucking mind, for fucks sake.

I agree with this. This is the same as the 'lie down and think of England' line, which is as old as the hills

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 13:46

@Dery I’m shocked how posters have jumped the gun here. It does not sound the best from OPs description of her BF but I’ve had a sulky BF before when I have said “No” and I think some of these posters here are being quite unfair. If OP didn’t want to have sex she has every right to decline she should have said sooner though.

billy1966 · 27/09/2020 13:50

@YouJustDoYou

Yes, her present to her BF was very generous, but she shared in that - a day out in London with shopping, drinks and a lovely dinner - those were things she got to enjoy as well. What she didn't manage was the thing which her BF particularly wanted on his birthday and which everything seemed to be leading up to with sexy talk during dinner and set the scene for sexual intimacy afterwards

I literally cannot believe you honestly think like this. This is a horrific attitude to have. A woman has the right to change her fucking mind, for fucks sake. You're disgusting.

Christ almighty at some of the replies.

God help anyone coming to some people having been raped.

It's astounding how some women still do not understand Consent and the absolute right to change your mind.

I can well imagine after a large meal, someone might change their mind.

So what if I don't.

OP.
Either way, he sounds awful.

Comparing you to his EX...Bin him.

Pressuring you to become some sex toy and entertain him....Bin him.

Getting huffy and suggesting you go home... Bin him.

OP, you shouldn't be hurt, you should be well pissed off.

He sounds like the dregs.

As another poster mentioned.

He's the sort of man that would hassle a woman after giving birth to look after his "needs".

He's a prize twat.
Bin him.

You deserve so much better.Flowers

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 13:53

I do think she needs more empathy I think I that comment goes for all the posters excusing the boyfriends cuntish behaviour. You can argue away all you like on a forum about mismatched sex drives, mismanaged situations and expectations, give and take of a healthy relationship, disappointment and rejection, blah blah blah.

Until you've actually been on the receiving end of a relationship like this, you have no idea of how damaging it is. Its fucking dangerous. There is literally NO excusing the OPs boyfriend in the scenarios she has mentioned. No is a complete sentence.

This is why women don't feel comfortable coming forward after suffering sexual abuse. Fuck off with your excuses.

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 13:56

@KooKooKachu

I agree with you. My DM's attitude to sex was very damaging and led to her telling me that I should 'lie back and think of England' when I talked to her about my difficulties with sexual intimacy with my DH following flashbacks of my childhood SA.

My DM is 81. It's depressing that that attitude is still prevalent in 2020, however.

differentnameforthis · 27/09/2020 13:56

@lunalulu

Sweet lord... he wasn't disappointed. He was angry that he couldn't have his 'rightful" access to op's body, so he made her leave, late at night.

This is a tactic so next time (hopefully there will not be one, because she will leave him) she doesn't refuse to have sex with him again, otherwise he will throw her out again.

He is training her to submit to what he wants!

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 14:00

[quote Littered5]@Dery I’m shocked how posters have jumped the gun here. It does not sound the best from OPs description of her BF but I’ve had a sulky BF before when I have said “No” and I think some of these posters here are being quite unfair. If OP didn’t want to have sex she has every right to decline she should have said sooner though.[/quote]
She can change her mind at ANY point.

Her body. Her rules.

I don't get why that is so hard to understand.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 14:00

[quote Mittens030869]@KooKooKachu

I agree with you. My DM's attitude to sex was very damaging and led to her telling me that I should 'lie back and think of England' when I talked to her about my difficulties with sexual intimacy with my DH following flashbacks of my childhood SA.

My DM is 81. It's depressing that that attitude is still prevalent in 2020, however.[/quote]
That's awful, that attitude stinks. No one should have to put up with that. I hope you have found some happiness.

JamieLeeCurtains · 27/09/2020 14:00

If OP didn’t want to have sex she has every right to decline she should have said sooner though.

When? At birth?

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 14:03

@KooKooKachu

I do think she needs more empathy I think I that comment goes for all the posters excusing the boyfriends cuntish behaviour. You can argue away all you like on a forum about mismatched sex drives, mismanaged situations and expectations, give and take of a healthy relationship, disappointment and rejection, blah blah blah.

Until you've actually been on the receiving end of a relationship like this, you have no idea of how damaging it is. Its fucking dangerous. There is literally NO excusing the OPs boyfriend in the scenarios she has mentioned. No is a complete sentence.

This is why women don't feel comfortable coming forward after suffering sexual abuse. Fuck off with your excuses.

Well said
Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 14:05

@KooKooKachu Thank you. Yes, thankfully my DH was horrified at the thought when I quoted to him what she'd said. My DSis has a similarly lovely DH.

Thankfully, my DDs (11 and 8) are growing up learning what a healthy relationship looks like.

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 14:07

@JamieLeeCurtains in the real world not just in MN land. You surely could compromise so OP was full and did not want to have sex. Maybe if she had of suggested in the morning or something. There’s surely a deeper issue here than OP not wanting to be intimate... on her BFs birthday.

When the BF was complimented her could she of not said at that moment? Or was OP so full she couldn’t communicate that to him.

Mamabear1990 · 27/09/2020 14:08

Sounds obvious he was drunk and acting immature. Why don't you talk it out with him when he's sober and find out what he actually thinks, saves you making assumptions.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 14:09

[quote Mittens030869]@KooKooKachu Thank you. Yes, thankfully my DH was horrified at the thought when I quoted to him what she'd said. My DSis has a similarly lovely DH.

Thankfully, my DDs (11 and 8) are growing up learning what a healthy relationship looks like.[/quote]
That's lovely to hear. Let your mothers comments wash over you, there is no excuse for allowing men to have their way whatever the cost.

myrtleWilson · 27/09/2020 14:13

Christ almighty - 'Should have said something sooner' is there some sort of time limit that applies here? " Sorry love you missed your time limited opportunity to say no so you understand I'm just going to crack on now"

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 14:13

@Mamabear1990

Sounds obvious he was drunk and acting immature. Why don't you talk it out with him when he's sober and find out what he actually thinks, saves you making assumptions.
I dont think he was drunk judging by the other scenarios OP has mentioned. Immature - definitely!
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 27/09/2020 14:14

I'm going to get flamed but I don't care, I can see both your points of view, you chose to spend that much money @Aurelia278 no one made you, and of course you can change your mind, that what consent is for, on the other hand I can imagine he feels like you led him up the garden path ...

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 14:16

Littered - a couple can have sex and the woman could say in the moment, "I dont want to continue this" and she would have to stop. Otherwise it is rape. Time limit, my arse!

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 14:16

He*

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 14:16

She communicated she didn't want to.
That is enough.
She did not want to.

I'm going to keep writing that because there are posters that are not quite getting that
This subject of consent is NOT down to opinion. It really is that black or white.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 14:18

@Aerial2020

She communicated she didn't want to. That is enough. She did not want to.

I'm going to keep writing that because there are posters that are not quite getting that
This subject of consent is NOT down to opinion. It really is that black or white.

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse.
Littered5 · 27/09/2020 14:19

@myrtleWilson

Christ almighty - 'Should have said something sooner' is there some sort of time limit that applies here? " Sorry love you missed your time limited opportunity to say no so you understand I'm just going to crack on now"
There’s no time limit of course not. But I think you have missed the point that while OP didn’t want to have sex at that particular point. She COULD OF COMPRISED or am I wrong to suggest that? The BF obviously thought he was getting lucky and he didn’t.

The feeling of being full is awful and I’ve had it to the point where I have had to lie down after. However this did not last all night until the next morning. Look from the BF side too not just ops

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 14:20

@KooKooKachu

I know you're right. The sad thing is that her attitude towards sex has led to her blaming herself for what my F did to us. As if her not giving him enough was the reason he abused her DDs. (I think it might have been easier if he wasn't dead and she could have been angry at him

Women have been conditioned for too long that it's their duty to keep men satisfied. But decent men don't want women to have sex with them when they don't want to in order to keep them happy.

It's beyond depressing that this attitude still persists.