Page 12 | Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

Aurelia278 · 2020-09-26T23:22:14+00:00

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms. The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy. By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now. He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around. I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt. Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

Ruminating2020 · 27/09/2020 13:00

I don't get this. What is it with some men expecting sex and then sulking when the other person doesn't want to? It's like they haven't grown out of the toddler phase by having a tantrum when they don't get their own way, and that is an insult to toddlers.

I really hate this entitled, incel behaviour.

OP, it looks as if you did everything to spoil your boyfriend on his birthday but he doesn't have a right to demand sex from you. No one is owed sex. Really.

This sort of behaviour is a huge red flag and for your own safety, I would make a swift exit.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 13:00

@Teensandfuture

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action. If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is. It's give and take. Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

But she didn't want to. She didn't want to. She didn't want to. She didn't want to

That's all there is to it. She didn't want to have sex

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 13:00

@Teensandfuture

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action. If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is. It's give and take. Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

But she didn't want to. She didn't want to. She didn't want to. She didn't want to

That's all there is to it. She didn't want to have sex

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 13:02

I understand that having sex to make him happy even though you don't want to is NOT a healthy relationship.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 13:03

@KooKooKachu

I agree with another poster was OP that full that she couldn’t have sex? Because it doesn’t sound believable at all.

Irrelevant! The OP could have said "I dont want sex because the day of the week ends in Y" and it is still plausible.
The OP could have said "I don't want sex. No reason, I just don't" and it's still plausible.

Whether we believe if she was full or not is fucking ridiculous. You sound like a defense lawyer

I know. It is shocking that some women still think like this. This has to change. We have to change how we see this

FourPlasticRings · 27/09/2020 13:04

@Teensandfuture

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action. If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is. It's give and take. Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

If that involves getting them a curry when really you'd prefer an Italian, fine. However, accommodating their genitals inside your body when you don't want to does not come under the category of 'give and take'.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 13:04

Some people need lessons in consent as this thread shows.

Teensandfuture I really hope you don't feel you have to give in to your partner if you dont want sex.

Dery · 27/09/2020 13:06

Although I posted further up the thread about mismatched sex-drives and although I don't think anyone should have sex they really don't want to have, I agree with @lunalulu and @Littered5: I think the OP mismanaged the situation somewhat and I don't think it's surprising that her BF was a bit hurt and pissed off.

Yes, her present to her BF was very generous, but she shared in that - a day out in London with shopping, drinks and a lovely dinner - those were things she got to enjoy as well. What she didn't manage was the thing which her BF particularly wanted on his birthday and which everything seemed to be leading up to with sexy talk during dinner and set the scene for sexual intimacy afterwards.

I think MN is fab and I don't think everyone posting hates men by any means - and it does sound like OP's BF may be a bit of a knob more generally - but I do think if OP had been posting about her BF having spent the day with her but bailed when she wanted sexual intimacy on her birthday, she would have received more sympathy.

Dominicgoings · 27/09/2020 13:07

@Teensandfuture

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action. If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is. It's give and take. Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

What an utterly warped attitude you have. Do you have sons or daughters?

Beefcurtains79 · 27/09/2020 13:07

“Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action.
If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is.”

I’m actually dying here, imagine being told what a healthy relationship is by Teens!

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 13:11

“Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action.
If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is.”

*However, I would dump my bloke if he didn't give transactional passionate sex to me -Teens, 2020

goldrabbit22 · 27/09/2020 13:11

^QUOTE Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action.
If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is.
It's give and take.
Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied. Same should apply in reverse UNQUOTE

Most problems in life stem from lack of self love. Self love does not equate with forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to, regardless of the date or the status of the person expecting it. Loving someone else does not equate with them expecting you to grin and bear something just to make them happy. I would not want to part of a relationship that operates on such a sick basis.

DBML · 27/09/2020 13:16

I have the higher sex drive in my relationship and I always look forward to extra special sex on my birthday.

If that didn’t happen, I’m not going to force anyone, but I would feel really disappointed and I have been known to get grumpy when I haven’t had sex.

So whilst I agree that no one should feel forced or coerced into having sex they don’t want, I also acknowledge that I’ve been arsey with my husband when we haven’t had sex. I’m not saying that’s OK, it’s not, but it’s an emotional reaction to the feeling of rejection that I find difficult to control.

Luckily my husband isn’t offended when I get moody, he finds it amusing. But I guess it would make me very incompatible with other people.

I think in the ops case, the bf is not just a bit grumpy, he’s outright rude and spiteful. Which I don’t think the op should have to tolerate. I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere.

Teensandfuture · 27/09/2020 13:21

Reverse situation :

Hi, it was my birthday yesterday.
My bf and I talked about making my day special and he was saying he'd take me to Betty's for tea.
We actually made a booking and went there. When we got there he suddenly changed his mind saying he's got a headache and can we live and come back another time?
aibu to be disappointed and upset?
He says I'm being unreasonable as he's made so much effort by booking and taking me to supercar test drive! But I don't like cars that much I wanted tea at Betty's!
Should have I kept quiet and say :sure darling we can go to Betty's next time, it's not a problem or should have I stayed for tea myself and letting him go home to rest? I knew tea on my own wouldn't be as fun.
I feel rejected and unloved.
Is he right in not wanting to go through with made plans or should he have made more effort to make my day special??
Thanks in advance for replies

differentnameforthis · 27/09/2020 13:22

@Mittens030869

I do think bringing rape into this discussion isn't appropriate. The boyfriend acted like a spoiled brat not a rapist after all. When she refused, he didn't try to force her to consent to sex, he asked her to leave. Not okay in the slightest, but comparing it to rape is hyperbolic to say the least.

I don't think that @Teensandfuture is suggesting that raping the OP would have been right at all, just that he was justified in being disappointed.

She has actually said that she's been raped herself.

Which is what makes her comments and expectations even more abhorrent!!

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 13:22

We actually made a booking and went there. When we got there he suddenly changed his mind saying he's got a headache and can we live and come back another time?
aibu to be disappointed and upset?
He says I'm being unreasonable as he's made so much effort by booking and taking me to supercar test drive! But I don't like cars that much I wanted tea at Betty's!

Eh??

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 13:23

That is not the reverse situation.

Lordy.

You've missed all the corceive behaviour leading up and after.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 13:24

I dont think comparing wanting to have tea at Betty's (whoever's Betty is) is comparable to not wanting sex.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 13:26

There is nothing.
Nothing. Nothing you can say to someone if they don't want sex.
You can not want to for any reason you damn well like.
SHE. DID. NOT. WANT. TO

FourPlasticRings · 27/09/2020 13:28

@Teensandfuture

Reverse situation :

Hi, it was my birthday yesterday.
My bf and I talked about making my day special and he was saying he'd take me to Betty's for tea.
We actually made a booking and went there. When we got there he suddenly changed his mind saying he's got a headache and can we live and come back another time?
aibu to be disappointed and upset?
He says I'm being unreasonable as he's made so much effort by booking and taking me to supercar test drive! But I don't like cars that much I wanted tea at Betty's!
Should have I kept quiet and say :sure darling we can go to Betty's next time, it's not a problem or should have I stayed for tea myself and letting him go home to rest? I knew tea on my own wouldn't be as fun.
I feel rejected and unloved.
Is he right in not wanting to go through with made plans or should he have made more effort to make my day special??
Thanks in advance for replies

That's not at all the reverse situation. The reverse situation would be, 'It's my birthday and my boyfriend spent a lot of time and money making it special for me but then at the end of the night refused to shag me like I wanted because he wasn't feeling up to it. AIBU to be really stand-offish and kick him out early in the morning?'

In case you're wondering the answer would be 'Yes, YABU. No one owes you sex.'

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 27/09/2020 13:29

Why not start your own fucking thread about how coercive behaviour is fine rather than merailing someone else's thread?

SoulofanAggron · 27/09/2020 13:37

Just catching up with the thread.

I also am uncomfortable with the way you phrase he can’t speak to you like that after you spent money on him, like he owes you.

@Bluntness100 I don't think OP was saying that at all. All she was saying is it's not like she hadn't done any stuff for his birthday.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/09/2020 13:39

@Teensandfuture

Reverse situation :

Hi, it was my birthday yesterday.
My bf and I talked about making my day special and he was saying he'd take me to Betty's for tea.
We actually made a booking and went there. When we got there he suddenly changed his mind saying he's got a headache and can we live and come back another time?
aibu to be disappointed and upset?
He says I'm being unreasonable as he's made so much effort by booking and taking me to supercar test drive! But I don't like cars that much I wanted tea at Betty's!
Should have I kept quiet and say :sure darling we can go to Betty's next time, it's not a problem or should have I stayed for tea myself and letting him go home to rest? I knew tea on my own wouldn't be as fun.
I feel rejected and unloved.
Is he right in not wanting to go through with made plans or should he have made more effort to make my day special??
Thanks in advance for replies

I really despair for you. You sound so damaged and you don't even realise.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 27/09/2020 13:39

Not getting to have tea at a particular establishment is not the equivalent of not being allowed to stick your penis in a woman.

FFS.

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 13:40

@differentnameforthis

I don't actually think it makes her abhorrent. But she doesn't understand coercive behaviour and how damaging it can be. It's very difficult for some women to comprehend that if they haven't experienced it.

I do think she needs more empathy, though, as she doesn't seem to be capable of it. Because, I suspect that it's hard for someone who has a high sex drive to understand why other people might not want it.

And no, her comparison of tea at Betty's is completely ridiculous.

As I said earlier, I can't understand the entitled attitude some adults have about birthdays. It's what I would expect from a child basically.