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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
Dery · 27/09/2020 11:37

My H and I have mismatched sex drives but he has never coerced me or sulked and we meet somewhere in the middle on frequency (I very much enjoy affection-based sex - I don't need to feel horny beforehand - so that works for us).

But as KooKoo said, it does sound like more than mismatched sex drives: your BF sounds like he has some kind of fantasy sexual partner in his mind and he's trying to get you to match up. If, as you suggest, he's unaffectionate and doesn't bother to compliment you unless he believes sex is on the cards then he seriously misunderstands how proper adult relationships work. Why would you want to be sexually intimate with someone who keeps you at a distance unless he thinks he's going to get laid?

Sounds like you would be better off out of this relationship.

Teensandfuture · 27/09/2020 11:39

What kind of bloke doesn't buy his own condoms?
This!

Never bought a bloody pack in my life myself.

BaseDrops · 27/09/2020 11:43

This is exactly the sort of man who harasses his partner post-birth. When can we we do it? You could at least give me a handjob/bj. And on and on and on.

tara66 · 27/09/2020 11:54

Haven't read many PP - just want to say - you spent tooo much money on his birthday! (You had an idea of what he was like -but I don't think he is unusual!)

Raidblunner · 27/09/2020 12:06

Horrible twat..dump the ungrateful idiot!

Heatherjayne1972 · 27/09/2020 12:11

Yes you should leave early And never go back
A birthday is no excuse to get sulky because of no sex

You can decide not to do it at any stage It’s your body not his entertainment centre

Livpool · 27/09/2020 12:18

What a horror- I assume he isn't 3! Because he has acted like a toddler.

I can't believe a grown man acted like that

Monr0e · 27/09/2020 12:19

OP I hope you are ok.

You deserve so much better

lunalulu · 27/09/2020 12:26

Well call me a loser but if I loved someone and it was his birthday then I'd try not to over eat and I'd make the sex the highlight of the evening. For both of us.

But in your situation - sorry to be clear but basically you felt stuffed and tired out from drinks and shopping, and just wanted to go to sleep. I actually do understand why he felt disappointed. Bearing in mind he may also have been feeling cross after too much food and drink and going around.

Yes he should have bowed out gracefully, stroked your back while you fell unconscious and then dealt with his desire himself, but instead he said how he felt.

Everyone's physical energy and tolerance was mismanaged. The sex should probably have come first.

But I don't think the advice of posters here who just love to pounce on a man in this position (not literally - quite the opposite) is very helpful.

Either this was a storm in a teacup or, if this often happens, then you are indeed mismatched.

If I loved the guy, I would have mustered up enough compassion to make sure he went to sleep happy. And if I fancied him (which I would do if DP) then I would of course have enjoyed it too. And YES because it was his birthday.

lunalulu · 27/09/2020 12:27

Him saying leave early was a sarky taunt to make you feel rejected. Because he felt rejected. So maybe the sign of anyone in a bad mood. But only you will know if this was a one off or often happens.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 12:32

I really don't think it's talked about enough how women are not here to service men. To keep 'him happy'as it was his birthday as another poster said.
Just shocking
This should be taught in schools a lot more to youngsters that sex is not a transaction.
Until it is drilled into young women and girls so they grow up to expect better and to say no and it be ok.

We really have far to go.

goldrabbit22 · 27/09/2020 12:34

I wouldn't stay around for his next birthday.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 12:35

And honestly how is sticking up for women in this type of scenario pouncing on men??
Men are grown ups who can handle themselves. We are not responsible for their behaviour.

Teach this to young women.

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 12:41

It seems posters have looked from OPs side only and she has not been back to update further details.

I agree with another poster was OP that full that she couldn’t have sex? Because it doesn’t sound believable at all. There’s other things if OP didn’t want to do the full thing? Or perhaps she could of asked him to wait till the morning... I think there’s more to this than she has made out.

goldrabbit22 · 27/09/2020 12:41

It's the sheer level of entitlement that's staggering.

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 12:42

@lunalulu

Well call me a loser but if I loved someone and it was his birthday then I'd try not to over eat and I'd make the sex the highlight of the evening. For both of us.

But in your situation - sorry to be clear but basically you felt stuffed and tired out from drinks and shopping, and just wanted to go to sleep. I actually do understand why he felt disappointed. Bearing in mind he may also have been feeling cross after too much food and drink and going around.

Yes he should have bowed out gracefully, stroked your back while you fell unconscious and then dealt with his desire himself, but instead he said how he felt.

Everyone's physical energy and tolerance was mismanaged. The sex should probably have come first.

But I don't think the advice of posters here who just love to pounce on a man in this position (not literally - quite the opposite) is very helpful.

Either this was a storm in a teacup or, if this often happens, then you are indeed mismatched.

If I loved the guy, I would have mustered up enough compassion to make sure he went to sleep happy. And if I fancied him (which I would do if DP) then I would of course have enjoyed it too. And YES because it was his birthday.

I think you have a point.
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 27/09/2020 12:43

FFS. Dump! He's also tight AF - wants you to buy all this shit to dress up for him, buy birth control, etc etc. What a stingy twat.

FUCK that. You owe him nothing. I'd ghost or at best a text:
'Done with this relationship. This is me splitting up with you. Don't contact me again.' And block.

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 12:46

And what about all the other stuff? Making OP dress yo for him and telling her she doesn't put enough effort in to making sure he gets his jollies. Come off it, I don't think for a second this is normal, he treats her as a subordinate. To fuck with that!

KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 12:47

That was to Lunalulu

Dominicgoings · 27/09/2020 12:47

@Littered5

It seems posters have looked from OPs side only and she has not been back to update further details.

I agree with another poster was OP that full that she couldn’t have sex? Because it doesn’t sound believable at all. There’s other things if OP didn’t want to do the full thing? Or perhaps she could of asked him to wait till the morning... I think there’s more to this than she has made out.

Yeah ffs why didn’t she just drop to her knees and suck him off eh? Poor bloke Hmm Imagine having to have a strop on your birthday because your lazy girlfriend wouldn’t wank you off. Terrible times.
LaceLoveAda · 27/09/2020 12:47

@Aurelia278

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him. He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused. He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.
I can imagine lots of men would be disappointed about not ending the night the way it seemed like it would. Not that he behaved well, but the disappointment doesn't surprise me. But this post, OP, tells me that he does not deserve a relationship with you and you are unlikely to make each other happy.
honeylulu · 27/09/2020 12:51

Oh God, get rid of him. Pressuring you to surprise him with a "sexy costume" when it isn't your thing. Boak! So much wrong with this approach I barely know where to start but ...

  1. Coercion is abuse. This includes punishing you with anger and sulking if refuse sex or don't give the type of sex he expects.
  2. Thinks women's bodies are commodities for men's use. I'm referring to him telling you you might as well leave first thing - as if you have no use or interest for him unless you're willing to be his wank sock. This is sexist and dehumanising.
  3. Ungrateful/ thoughtless given what you did do to give him a lovely birthday.
  4. The dressing up thing, given the importance he has placed on it, is a bit concerning. Nothing wrong with being adventurous if both parties are in tune but if you're not keen and he's going on and on this not only undermines your autonomy but makes me wonder if he's someone who needs more and more kinks/fetishes to stay interested in you sexually.
  5. What about the future? Can you imagine being put under pressure to perform and dress up if you're heavily pregnant/ up half the night with a baby/ recently bereaved etc. Because he's showing you now how it's going to be.
Teensandfuture · 27/09/2020 12:53

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action.
If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is.
It's give and take.
Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

roarfeckingroarr · 27/09/2020 12:54

@Teensandfuture

Making your man happy on his birthday isn't a transaction but a loving action. If you feel there's some sort of transaction is involved, you don't understand what a healthy relationship is. It's give and take. Sometimes you make them happy in the way THEY want to be happy not the way YOU think they should be happy and satisfied.

Same should apply in reverse.

Grim
KooKooKachu · 27/09/2020 12:56

I agree with another poster was OP that full that she couldn’t have sex? Because it doesn’t sound believable at all.

Irrelevant! The OP could have said "I dont want sex because the day of the week ends in Y" and it is still plausible.
The OP could have said "I don't want sex. No reason, I just don't" and it's still plausible.

Whether we believe if she was full or not is fucking ridiculous. You sound like a defense lawyer Hmm

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