I either need a slap or a wobble. Please help.

[KnitPearl]

DP is in hospital. He went in as he was experiencing pain. He's been to hospital a fair few times this year, all for different reasons. That fact, along with his very unpredictable work schedule means that I have become very used to caring for DC alone. Without adding another thread's worth of detail, he has been gradually becoming a lot more derogatory towards me of late. I don't feel that we're in a good place, but I've wanted us to be, so I've been working on it with him up until this incident.

I was preparing to leave the house for a walk with DC when he was told by 111 to go to the hospital. Because of the huge variety of incidents this year, I didn't panic like I did the first few times. I kissed him goodbye and he said he'd update me.

Turns out the issue was a lot more serious than we could have expected, and he needed emergency surgery. Without going into detail, this is potentially a life changing adjustment for him. He may not even be able to return to work. It's so out of the blue it still feels surreal. I am worried about him while he's in the hospital, he doesn't look well, he has a fever, he's on very strong painkillers. Which brings me to the main issue.

He is being really, really horrible to me right now. He is angry that I am not prioritising talking to or messaging him over my care responsibilities to DC. He gets angry when he calls and I ask if I can call him back. This is while doing things like bathing DC, making their food, driving, dealing with their temper tantrums. I video called him today so he could say hi to DC. He ended up saying he'll let me go because I'm clearly too busy to talk to him. I was hoping he would interact with DC and feel better, but instead apparently I made him feel worse.

He's been regularly ignoring me for hours at a time because he's upset that I haven't been in touch. This causes me to worry. When I finally get through to him, he's distant and telling me there's no point trying to talk on the phone. He's also had some of his family call me to tell me he's in a bad way and I need to be there for him. I can't even visit. How do I prioritise him over DC?

Today he told me that everything he calls me for at this time is urgent. Whether it's a test result or what he had for dinner. His exact words.

Everything in me is screaming this isn't right, he's being too mean and I should tell him so. Then the nagging voice at the back of my mind tells me I'm a selfish cow for getting upset at him when he's clearly not thinking straight and is so unwell and vulnerable. As I mentioned before, he has not been too nice recently in general. Now he's just being worse.

So I really don't know how to proceed with any of this. AIBU to be upset about his behaviour? Or am I a cow for even thinking that? Please help me figure it out

@grenlei I already was. After giving birth to DC I was in hospital for two weeks. I needed blood transfusions and I could t sleep because DC were always awake. He stayed home and slept and went shopping with his nephew. Im I see no illusion that I am probably making him feel like shit by not being there, because I have been through it. And no doubt I will again. I don't know why people keep saying that I should take the moral high ground or think about how it would feel if it happened to me. I e never had the kind of support he's expecting. It once in my life. I've worked full time as a carer. I know what it entails and what kinds of things people need in these situations. I also know That I'm not a robot. I have no money to my name, no independence, no friends. I thought I had found the love of my life but he can't stand me. I've been nothing but supportive. What's left to do??

I already am the bad guy. He already has all the sympathy. Even if I stay that won't change. There's nobody here to tell me that I have needs too. The only time I've seen that sentiment is from DM and some of the responses here. And I'm not coping. I'm not coping well with feeling like dirt under his shoe. I'm not coping well with feeling that I'm personally responsible for making him unwell. That I have to care for DC but then leave them alone downstairs while I run food and drinks up to him in bed, only to be told I'm doing it wrong.

You should consider contacting your own GP for you. You've been carrying the mental and physical load for so long, there's only so much someone can carry before they burn themselves out. It could help you to maybe seek some counselling etc that might help you cope and realise that you are not to blame.

Did you phone the hospital, KnitPearl? I really think it would be a good idea to contact Women's Aid too

To the posters who think the OP is choosing a bad time to leave, there will never be a good time - according to the abuser. He will always be the victim. She's very close to breaking point, she needs to go now to keep well enough to look after her children. And herself. It's probably the fact that he's been in hospital she's had the time to see the relationship for what it is, it's very difficult to see if when you're in the middle of it. If he doesn't like her leaving him he shouldn't have abused her.

Please please ignore anyone on here trying to guilt trip you. They're not in your relationship or in your shoes. The most important thing right now is that you're healthy enough to look after yourself and your kids. If that means going to your mum's, go. His parents are certainly not your responsibility. How he treats them and is between him and them. You've already done way too much and he clearly hasn't done and wouldn't do the same for you.

The symptoms and effects of his physical illness coupled with absolite terror at the life-limiting prognosis, and fear for his children and you if he dies or is disabled, are enough to drive many people close to mental breakdown. and that's exactly what this sounds like.

     In addition, some medications have marked effects on mood and behaviour.

     After surgery when you know a bit more about the diagnosis,  I suggest you search online to find  a support and information group about that condition.  What you're going through is very tough, but if you finmd out his changed behaviour is common and other wives/families share your experience,  , at least you'll know its nothing you did and not personal.

Just remember OP it's his fault you are not there to help. No-one has to help someone who treats them like shit. Take care of yourself and your wonderful children.

Op go to your mums and don't look back. He sounds a horrible partner and you've done enough.

I contacted my GP and she has asked me to come in and see her face to face. She's very aware of my own anxiety issues so I'm feeling really hopeful that she can give me some good advice. She is also DP's GP and knows about the situation in the house for the past few months. After my appointment tomorrow morning, I'm taking everything I can with me and going to DM. The social support worker advised me to take my passport, DC's birth certificates and their red books.

I know this is thinking too far ahead but when I'm away I'm going to get their immunisations done too. They're two and DP is dead set against having them, but it makes me so worried that they're not immunised.

I'm not under any illusion that I've not made mistakes myself. I'm willing to accept I'm being selfish, I really am, but I'm at breaking point now and I can't do this any more. I haven't slept properly or eaten properly in days, I'm barely holding myself together for DC and I think if DP has one more criticism of my character then I'll fall apart. I've started threads before about things he's said, way before this emergency surgery, I know it's not medication because it's not out of character, it's just more extreme because his condition is more serious.

I phoned the hospital and went through all the hoops to finally speak to the ward he was discharged from and they advised me to call PALS tomorrow. I thought that was just for complaints, but I'll do so in the hope that I can secure some extra support for him. If he needs to pay for a carer, he will have to arrange it or at least PIL will because I don't have any access to money, just child benefit. I really don't know why I've stayed around this long when I see all of these things written down. It might be the worst possible time to leave now, but I don't feel I have a choice any more.

Thanks everyone for their lovely and sound advice

You’re doing the right thing OP 💐

I am so glad you have a plan and it sounds like an excellent one.

I am sure you will feel a big sense of relief after you've spoken to the GP and then gone to your mum's.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Best of luck.

You are doing the right thing, agree with the others. Horrible abusive people are quite adept at exploiting bad situations and health conditions for their own gain. As the old adage goes, you reap what you sow. He didnt come and support you in hospital after a haemorrhage and when you were getting no sleep? Mistake. It's not being pretty or vengeful, it's finally seeing your value.

The fact that you want to care for him and have tried very hard to, but get it spat back in your face, will naturally bring back memories of when you needed support and didn't get it. You're not leaving out of spite. It's the cognitive dissonance caused by realising that normal caring partners d caring things. He wasnt even moved to do it for you, the mother of his newborn child.

Stay strong. Keep posting.

Well done, it takes a lot of strength to leave situations that make you so unhappy and grind you down. Have faith in your actions and don't apologise for preserving your mental and physical health. Best of luck.

You're doing the right thing, OP.

You have a right to be respected and happy in your own home.
You have a right to not be berated and verbally abused and run down to others by someone who is supposed to have your back.
You have an obligation to look after yourself; your children need you.

Make a happy home for yourself and your children elsewhere.

Those saying the op shouldn’t go haven’t read all the comments. He’s always been like this. He gets mad if she dare call him at work and now he gets mad if she doesn’t drop everything. He ‘won’t let’ the children be vaccinated. She has no access to money. When she was in hospital for a couple of weeks after having a baby, he wasn’t a carer. He went out shopping leaving her trying to look after a newborn while ill. She knows he wouldn’t be there for her in the reverse situation. The timing isn’t great but that’s all on him for being such an asshole she can’t cope with the latest development; The op is nearing a breakdown herself, she should have left a long time ago but she is leaving now and that’s something.

Sounds like Karma to me.

What goes around comes around. He's treated the OP badly for a long time. He has no right to expect her to put it all away and focus on him.

And anyway, he lost any respect from me when I read he won't 'allow' his children to be vaccinated.

Good luck OP. You deserve some peace of mind away from him.

Thinking of you OP.

I keep going back and reading the replies to try and remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. Thank you, everyone.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore I'm sorry that I didn't register your post before. I. Really hope your plans go smoothly and that you can walk away when you're packed and ready. Thank you for letting me know that you're in the same boat as me. You sound very strong, I'll use you as inspiration. Please keep me updated on how things progress with your plans.

Just because he has health issues, does not give him the right to use you as his emotional punch bag. The fact that he did this when he was well, just says that he is throughly unpleasant.

Yes, people may judge you (he’ll play up to the fact that you abandoned him), but those that don’t should be the only ones you care about. It will be those people, that have seen his mask slip.

Go to your DM’s and look after your DC. He’s an adult, he can organise his own care.

He has probably been unwell longer than you think. Maybe he was discussing it with friends to avoid pain for you and DC?
This is a massive life change for him and he is scared. He is bound to become more child like and self centred than before. And the pandemic won't be helping. No family visits because they are not allowed, maybe talking to others who are also I'll and scared but maybe not sleeping because hospitals are busy even at night. Try to see both sides and that he will need a lot of support but actually it will have already changed your relationship to a more carer one and so whatever happens he will need looking after and that may be very hard too. Something has to give so try to talk to him about it rationally but then make your move however you need to to protect your own sanity and protect the kids...

Something similar happened to me. I had an op and my ex wasn't there for me - unsurprising given he was a controlling bully. Then it was his turn a couple of years later and I wasn't there for him. Never heard the end of it. He simply couldn't understand why I wouldn't drop everything and look after him. Been split up years now, and I still thank my lucky stars that I was able to get out. 💐

KnitPearl, did he get discharged? How is/was he supposed to get home?
How did he know if there was someone home?

I think you need to go, if you have a breakdown who is going to look after the DC ? not him clearly. I hope the GP doesn't just bung your ADs, its not chemicals that will change him from domestically abusing you.

Before leaving, get copies of all the paperwork, his pay slips, savings, pensions, anything that will help prove his income, because you will need it for CMS.

@KnitPearl my ex had a life threatening accident in remote country and is only alive today because his brother traveled on foot for three hours or more through rugged country until he was able to get cell coverage. When I was told husband at the time was in hospital in a city two hours drive away I arranged leave from my work, care for animals (dogs, cats horses) and was there beside his hospital bed within hours. The next three months revolved totally around him: we lived and breathed his recuperation and not much else mattered. Three years later I had a catastrophic riding accident. The day after I came home from hospital he helped me out of bed at 8am then pissed off to work and that continued for the six weeks of my recuperation. That first day l realized the enormity or inequality of our relationship and started planning my new life without him. Luckily there were no children involved (he wanted to adopt but not change his lifestyle, another thread for another day 😁) and so a lot easier. Don't be swayed by other people, take action for you and DC.

I hope all goes well with all you have to do today, KnitPearl. That's good that you're seeing your GP, good that the abuse will be going on record.