I either need a slap or a wobble. Please help.

[KnitPearl]

DP is in hospital. He went in as he was experiencing pain. He's been to hospital a fair few times this year, all for different reasons. That fact, along with his very unpredictable work schedule means that I have become very used to caring for DC alone. Without adding another thread's worth of detail, he has been gradually becoming a lot more derogatory towards me of late. I don't feel that we're in a good place, but I've wanted us to be, so I've been working on it with him up until this incident.

I was preparing to leave the house for a walk with DC when he was told by 111 to go to the hospital. Because of the huge variety of incidents this year, I didn't panic like I did the first few times. I kissed him goodbye and he said he'd update me.

Turns out the issue was a lot more serious than we could have expected, and he needed emergency surgery. Without going into detail, this is potentially a life changing adjustment for him. He may not even be able to return to work. It's so out of the blue it still feels surreal. I am worried about him while he's in the hospital, he doesn't look well, he has a fever, he's on very strong painkillers. Which brings me to the main issue.

He is being really, really horrible to me right now. He is angry that I am not prioritising talking to or messaging him over my care responsibilities to DC. He gets angry when he calls and I ask if I can call him back. This is while doing things like bathing DC, making their food, driving, dealing with their temper tantrums. I video called him today so he could say hi to DC. He ended up saying he'll let me go because I'm clearly too busy to talk to him. I was hoping he would interact with DC and feel better, but instead apparently I made him feel worse.

He's been regularly ignoring me for hours at a time because he's upset that I haven't been in touch. This causes me to worry. When I finally get through to him, he's distant and telling me there's no point trying to talk on the phone. He's also had some of his family call me to tell me he's in a bad way and I need to be there for him. I can't even visit. How do I prioritise him over DC?

Today he told me that everything he calls me for at this time is urgent. Whether it's a test result or what he had for dinner. His exact words.

Everything in me is screaming this isn't right, he's being too mean and I should tell him so. Then the nagging voice at the back of my mind tells me I'm a selfish cow for getting upset at him when he's clearly not thinking straight and is so unwell and vulnerable. As I mentioned before, he has not been too nice recently in general. Now he's just being worse.

So I really don't know how to proceed with any of this. AIBU to be upset about his behaviour? Or am I a cow for even thinking that? Please help me figure it out

@ChronicallyCurious no, I haven't told him how I feel. I've said to him that he seems very angry with me. But apart from that, this is about him, not me. I know that doesn't seem to be the case when it's all 'me me me' on this thread. But in real life, I'm telling him and his family that I am coping with DC, that I miss him and that I love him and want him to be okay. I don't want to pick up the phone to him and say 'oh DC are giving me hell today and I'm so stressed and tired and hungry, sorry if I seem a bit off, can you call me back when I'm ready'. It seems a bit like a catch 22.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole.
According to him, nothing you do is good enough.
He criticises you for being emotional, he criticises you for not being emotional, he criticises you for calling him, he criticises you for not calling him.
Can you see the theme here? He'll criticise you whatever you do. You can't do anything right as far as he's concerned.
His illness is a red herring and is not really relevant apart from the fact that he's using it to treat you even worse and to expect even more from you. And unfortunately you are feeling a lot of obligation and guilt towards him which is preventing you from seeing things for what they are which is that he is abusive towards you, and you don't have to put up with that shit, even if he is seriously ill.

Some reading for you
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
And
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

PS I advise you to post in relationships where you'll get more supportive and helpful replies. The AIBU crowd do like to pile on and accuse OPs of being unreasonable when they are anything but.

@AnotherEmma thank you. I'll ask MN to do that now and then take a look at those links. I appreciate your advice and I can see the theme.

@AnotherEmma
Has said it perfectly.
He’s a nasty piece of work, no matter what you do he criticises, texting the ex to run you down is unforgivable. I think it’s time to leave.

I can't believe people are blaming you here! Having a scary life changing surgery doesn't clear you to speak to your partner like utter shit and forget your children have needs which need meeting - I had one as a young adult and would never have treated the people I love that way! He sounds vile OP. I honestly would reconsider the surgery.

I meant reconsider the relationship not the surgery!!

Has he been under anaesthetic for a long time? Is he over 50? Is the condition heart related? I only ask because post operative dementia is a real risk in these cases (but can be experienced in other circumstances too). My dad went in for a heart op and came out a different man. He improved somewhat in the months after. Some people make a full recovery back to themselves, others (like my dad) are changed forever. I think the speed of going back to original character is an indication of the likelihood of full recovery. You have my sympathies. It is incredibly difficult to see someone you love change for the worse.

When he was back, a few days later I saw on his phone that he had been messaging an ex girlfriend and telling her that I was handling things poorly and that I was upset at having to look after DC alone

I'd leave him for that alone.

He sounds incredibly nasty and selfish. How can you bear to be with him? You say it's all "me, me, me" about yourself, but actually that's what he's doing, not you. It sounds as though you're turning yourself inside out trying to cope with the kids and with him, while he's pissed off he's not getting enough attention and is messaging his ex.

I'd grit my teeth for now but I would definitely be planning my exit.

oh knit, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DH is currently in hospital with a sudden and serious condition and it's very very hard. Honestly he has said he thinks it's harder for me than for him and while I would never say it out loud I can see where he's coming from as I'm anxious and terrified ALL THE TIME, plus trying to be strong for him, keep our family and friends updated and look after a very unsettled and unhappy toddler DD. Just saying that really so you know that your feelings are totally justified, especially considering how he's behaving towards you.

Just one tip from me - if he's not answering you for whatever reason and you're worried, just ring the ward. They're always happy to give you a wee update which will set your mind at rest.

Sending lots of love and strength to you.

@MummytoCSJH I'll admit that gave me a little giggle, so thank you for muddling your words 

@thegreenlight he's not yet 40, no heart condition, but he may have been under for a long time. It was virtually impossible to liaise with the hospital, and when I did get through they told me he had been taken to surgery but may be waiting in a queue and not actually being operated on yet. So it could have been six hours or two. I don't even know if any of those counts as a long time though.

OP, I think he's had a rough ride if he's been in hospital with so many different issues in one year. This must affect a person's mental and physical state, and you've also said he's had a MH crisis. This latest event probably hasn't helped him.

I don't think it was ok for him to liaise with his ex and criticise you. You need to communicate that to him clearly when he's back home. Not acceptable.

Secondly, you need to communicate to him clearly why you were upset previously when he was taken to hospital. It seems his perception is different to yours.

I would also say to agree that you call each other at certain times a day. Wouldn't that sort most of your current issues with you being busy and him needing to talk to you?

I think he's being difficult now, but it's hard to say if it's because he's had a tough time or because he's an arse. I wouldn't jump to conclusions here because it sounds like you're not very good at communicating with him and you're also looking at it from a very emotional place right now (which I can understand why). I think deep breaths and think everything through when things calm down.

"messaging an ex girlfriend and telling her that I was handling things poorly and that I was upset at having to look after DC alone."

Nasty fucker!

Not read all PP but a lot of them seem very unsympathetic to a man who has had multiple serious health problems and to call them a ''red herring'' is not acceptable ! Very difficult situation for OP. Can relatives not help at all - so you can visit him if that's what you think he wants? He is probably extremely worried about what the future holds for him and is lashing out at you.

After a serious emergency operation, and on pain killers, my husband became an absolute monster, nothing I did was right, we were away from home and I had to stay in a hospital flat and take his laundry to a laundrette He complained I took too long, I was late for visiting times, he gave me lists of shopping he needed including large bottles of fizzy pop which was too heavy for me to carry. He escaped from the hospital to go and have a smoke, causing nursing staff to waste time looking for him! Normally he was a kind quiet man, and I was seriously worried he had suffered some kind of brain damage during the operation. I was so worried that I reported this change of character to the nursing staff, as they obviously thought he was just an obnoxious man, they arranged for a psychiatrist to see him, where upon he was as nice as pie!
He gradually returned to normal, but it took about 6 months, he said later that after the operation, he felt as though all sorts of emotions had been released, that he just didn't know how to deal with.
I think this sort of thing is quite common after a life threatening operation. Try not to worry and just stay calm and reasonable, get as much help as you can with your child, it will be ok.

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Sorry you're going through such a difficult time, OP.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but plenty of sympathy. You sound so ground down and defeated. Your posts make me fear for your future with this man.

You aren't married, you have young children and you depend on his family for housing. He also seems to be taking some care to make sure that other people see you as a bad partner/uncaring (his family and also his ex). If he is indeed either abusive or likely to become so, then you are in a very insecure position. Be very careful about becoming his carer.

[quote KnitPearl]@Italiangreyhound he wasn't calling too often. The times he was calling were typically times that we would both normally be busy with DC, such as mealtimes, bedtime and bath time. Because he's so familiar with their routine and what they're like, I thought that he would just say 'oh crap of course' and let me call him back. I didn't think it would hurt him as much as it did, and I feel awful about that. [/quote]
Hes not hurt, he's angry.

Hes horrible. please don't let guilt run your life.

Messaging the ex girlfriend to bitch about you under the circumstances would have been the end for me.

Some of the things my Dh said and did were quite funny looking back!
He walked out of a session with a specialist nurse, saying 'just give the information to my assistant' (meaning me!) 'I have to phone my press officer!' (his elderly aunty, who was friendly with the mother of a newspaper editor!)l
But it was mortifying at the time.

Whaddaya know, he wasn't a very involved father before, let you get on with parenting all by yourself, got cross if you called him or asked him for help (handy as then you don't ask), slagged you off to his ex and isn't remotely grateful for anything you do.

Now he's sick, which isn't his fault, but he's still horrid and thinks you ought to prioritise him, his calls, his needs over caring day to day for your own children. He's not even interested in his children either.

Scared or not, he's a shit, he was one before and he's carrying on after surgery. I'd leave/split unless you want to be with a critical nasty person who doesn't help with the kids and wants you to be a devoted nurse carer for the rest of your life. Sounds fun.

When dh was in hospital having surgery and in extreme pain, all he ever wanted to hear from me was how was I doing, was I coping with ds, was he very unsettled by his being away, he was sorry he was putting me through this.

This was after a severe injury which he got by putting himself in harm’s way to protect ds and me. 10 years on, still in pain daily from those injuries he still says he thinks I had the tougher situation at the time, as I was having to reassure ds and keep things going for him, whereas he, being in hospital, only had to take care of himself.

Unfortunately when people are scared and stressed their true character comes out, and your dh’s isn’t painting him in a good light.

The only exception I would give to this is if there are head injuries, which can really change people’s character, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case here.

Unless he's had both his arms amputated he shouldn't need much of a carer when he gets home. Recovery is about doing things for yourself. Abuse is about guilting others to do things for you.

I've not got time to RTFT before responding so hope I'm not repeating anything.

The first thing to recognise is that it's possible that DH's behaviour could have begun to change as his health deteriorated although this may not have been immediately apparent.
The reason for this is that the part of the brain which recognises physical pain also recognises emotional pain and so the two often go hand in hand (think pain and depression which is a usual combination). Add this into the mix of the common masculine trait to dismiss or ignore pain and there's the potential for a behavioral change to be recognised before the physical.
Another factor to consider is that anger is frequent defense commonly used against vulnerability,so you can see its quite a heady mix.

My advice is to speak with the medic in charge of your DH's care to find out what the prognosis is which'll give you a framework to consider when you should expect to see some changes in behaviour.

Whilst your DH is heavily medicated it's pointless bringing this up but once he's on his rd to recovery then it's reasonable to have a conversation. In your shoes I'd be thinking about including the topic of aggressive language/behaviour as a part of a wider discussion so that he has the opportunity to reflect on the whole process and how it's impacted on those close to him.

You're totally within your rights to set boundaries and communicate these with him but now may not be the best time.

I’d be telling him to find somewhere else to live when he gets out of hospital - he wouldn’t get back into my home at all. He’s an abusive cunt, being ill doesn’t excuse that.