I either need a slap or a wobble. Please help.

[KnitPearl]

DP is in hospital. He went in as he was experiencing pain. He's been to hospital a fair few times this year, all for different reasons. That fact, along with his very unpredictable work schedule means that I have become very used to caring for DC alone. Without adding another thread's worth of detail, he has been gradually becoming a lot more derogatory towards me of late. I don't feel that we're in a good place, but I've wanted us to be, so I've been working on it with him up until this incident.

I was preparing to leave the house for a walk with DC when he was told by 111 to go to the hospital. Because of the huge variety of incidents this year, I didn't panic like I did the first few times. I kissed him goodbye and he said he'd update me.

Turns out the issue was a lot more serious than we could have expected, and he needed emergency surgery. Without going into detail, this is potentially a life changing adjustment for him. He may not even be able to return to work. It's so out of the blue it still feels surreal. I am worried about him while he's in the hospital, he doesn't look well, he has a fever, he's on very strong painkillers. Which brings me to the main issue.

He is being really, really horrible to me right now. He is angry that I am not prioritising talking to or messaging him over my care responsibilities to DC. He gets angry when he calls and I ask if I can call him back. This is while doing things like bathing DC, making their food, driving, dealing with their temper tantrums. I video called him today so he could say hi to DC. He ended up saying he'll let me go because I'm clearly too busy to talk to him. I was hoping he would interact with DC and feel better, but instead apparently I made him feel worse.

He's been regularly ignoring me for hours at a time because he's upset that I haven't been in touch. This causes me to worry. When I finally get through to him, he's distant and telling me there's no point trying to talk on the phone. He's also had some of his family call me to tell me he's in a bad way and I need to be there for him. I can't even visit. How do I prioritise him over DC?

Today he told me that everything he calls me for at this time is urgent. Whether it's a test result or what he had for dinner. His exact words.

Everything in me is screaming this isn't right, he's being too mean and I should tell him so. Then the nagging voice at the back of my mind tells me I'm a selfish cow for getting upset at him when he's clearly not thinking straight and is so unwell and vulnerable. As I mentioned before, he has not been too nice recently in general. Now he's just being worse.

So I really don't know how to proceed with any of this. AIBU to be upset about his behaviour? Or am I a cow for even thinking that? Please help me figure it out

@KnitPearl

(((big hug)))

I'm really sorry you're going through this

I'm sad to say he sounds like he's really not a nice bloke. He's treating you really badly & that was long before this hospital admission.

This is going to be very messy, but I think your only option is to leave him. Look into where you could go with the kids. His family will have to be his carer.

This is NOT a lovely man, who is scared. It's a man who is a nasty bully who treats you terribly. You and the kids deserve much more than this c

OP, you need to think very carefully about your future. You are not married to this man. You live in a house belonging to his parent. Very, very precarious for you.

He runs you down to his ex. He was abusive before all these medical events.

He will come home expecting to be waited on hand and foot including personal care, with you also having sole responsibility of the DC.

Nothing you do will be good enough. He will continue to moan about you to his ex and his family.

You will, effectively, become a full time skivvy with no life of your own.

The effect of all this will take a huge a toll on your mental and physical health - for a man who doesn't like or respect you.

no, I haven't told him how I feel. I've said to him that he seems very angry with me. But apart from that, this is about him, not me. I know that doesn't seem to be the case when it's all 'me me me' on this thread. But in real life, I'm telling him and his family that I am coping with DC, that I miss him and that I love him and want him to be okay. I don't want to pick up the phone to him and say 'oh DC are giving me hell today and I'm so stressed and tired and hungry, sorry if I seem a bit off, can you call me back when I'm ready'. It seems a bit like a catch 22.

OP it's time to start noticing patterns of behaviour, his and yours. You have already pointed out that he punishes you by being distant when you do something that displeases him (this is so you feel bad and work harder). And he has done this before the illnesses.

You mention telling his family what they seem to want to hear - where are your family? Are you honest with them? Is there anyone you can tell how you really feel without being worried they will judge you?

Do you apologise a lot in the relationship, even when you feel not at fault? When he got angry with you in the past how did you deal with it?

You also mention he wants you to be his carer. Does that mean giving up any independence yourself (like a job)?

I think in times of stress, you should be allowed a space to think about your own needs. Can you talk to a counsellor?

@TwentyViginti

OP, you need to think very carefully about your future. You are not married to this man. You live in a house belonging to his parent. Very, very precarious for you.

He runs you down to his ex. He was abusive before all these medical events.

He will come home expecting to be waited on hand and foot including personal care, with you also having sole responsibility of the DC.

Nothing you do will be good enough. He will continue to moan about you to his ex and his family.

You will, effectively, become a full time skivvy with no life of your own.

The effect of all this will take a huge a toll on your mental and physical health - for a man who doesn't like or respect you.

Exactly this.

You'll be a skivvy for someone who clearly looks down on you and badmouths you to everyone.

I'd be packing myself and the kids up while you have the chance.

He wasn't too worried, and I knew the routine for kidney stones (hospital, medication, lots of rest upon return, giving lots of water etc).

Do you mean stay in over night? I think I would always go in with a partner in those circumstances, (if allowed at this time) but I appreciate it's harder with kids.

He shouldn't be slagging you off to his ex though.

I really appreciate all of the advice, thank you. I've been getting quite tearful after some of the responses. I've been struggling to push my feelings down so as not to be selfish, so I guess it's all coming to the surface now.

@SoulofanAggron there's a strict no visitor policy in place. I was ready to go and see him after the surgery but it's not allowed at all. In the past when he had kidney stones, I drove him to the hospital and went in with him, but this time around I'm pretty much sitting on my hands waiting for him to come home.

At one point, he said if he had known it was so serious and wasn't kidney stones, he would have given me more than a peck on the lips and a see you later. He was saying how much he missed me. He was also sending me messages saying how much he misses DC. So it really has been mixed messages all the way through.

So it really has been mixed messages all the way through.

That's what they do, to keep you going out of your mind on your toes.

I agree with everyone who has said he sounds abusive. AnotherEmma said exactly what I was thinking.

KnitPearl please cut yourself some slack. He's having a horrible time but so are you. Xxx xxx

OP, I do know how hard it is to be the non-sick one, and how tempting it is to subjugate your own feelings and well-being to that of the sick and dependent. But You desperately need real-life support. Do you have friends and family you can reach out to, and who can offer you their emotional and practical support? Can you open up to anyone?

Re your DP, there are lots of red flags but until he is out of hospital and on the mend, you can’t take action as such. PPs have pointed out a lot of issues and in time you will need to get to grips with the terms of your relationship, as it seems dysfunctional at best and abusive at worst

I think he sounds perfectly vile.
I would say to him he needs to call at times that are not typically bed/bath/meal times. you cannot just press "pause", you are alone with the DC & you do not appreciate his tone.
He needs to wind his neck in, does he expect to be his nurse/servant/punching ball when he gets out? if so, he may want to fucking consider that if he keeps speaking to you in a unpleasant, critical or churlish sulking manner than he can ask hs X fucking girlfriend if she wants to step in.
I appreciate its sucks to be ill constantly, but you are not responsible.
"Do not bit the hand that feeds you", comes to mind.

bite !

It sounds like you want to exit the relationship. If so please ignore .y previous advice about prioritizing his calls. Look out for yourself and the children. Where will go, what will you do etc. Prioritize yourself and their needs.

Good luck.

@Italiangreyhound actually I've taken your advice today and prioritised his calls. At one point I was literally out the door heading to put DC in the car, so I did have to ask him for two minutes to make sure I did that safely. He was a bit put out, but he did answer the phone when I called him back.

In all honesty it is starting to look and feel like I'm flogging a dead horse in this relationship. But as you have quite rightly pointed out, now isn't the time to end it. That would result in a horrible atmosphere not only for us but mainly for DC. So I'll continue being as supportive as I can.

Thanks so much for your advice today, and everybody who gave advice. I've had a cup of tea and tonight I'll take a bath and try to relax. I'll use the oxygen mask analogy to make sure I can be as supportive as possible, until the situation is stable enough to make the big decisions.

Thanks all

"KnitPearl*

"Italiangreyhound actually I've taken your advice today and prioritised his calls. At one point I was literally out the door heading to put DC in the car, so I did have to ask him for two minutes to make sure I did that safely. He was a bit put out, but he did answer the phone when I called him back."

To be honest when I said to prioritize his calls I didn't realize how much your relationship had deteriorated. So PLEASE do take my advice (or rather my thoughts on your situation) with a pinch of salt!

I must admit others read the situation better than I did. I am not very intuitive and tend to take things on face value. So when you said he had been ill and in hospital a lot I thought how I felt when I was ill and in hospital. I didn't realize he was being as nasty to you as he was and that this was outside the current situation.

"In all honesty it is starting to look and feel like I'm flogging a dead horse in this relationship. But as you have quite rightly pointed out, now isn't the time to end it." Well I didn't exactly say that, if you were unsafe it would be right to end it. but I do think you need to think where you are going to go etc.

I agree with others I would not start being his carer if you know you are going to leave. I think you need to think fast about what you want to happen. If he won't be working and you are currently living in his dad's house, you need to have a plan. Can your family help with you and the kids?

Good luck.

OMG! You are in a pickle, just generally really, you've saddled yourself with an arsehole. An arsehole that you've only been with for 5 years and already got 2 kids, both of which it seems he's left you to bring up and does not want to bother with - your idea, or his to have children? Plus you're not married, on the one hand, it makes it easier to end, but on the other it gives you no financial protection or rights to any assets. Do you work? Did you give up work to have kids with this twunt.
Sorry, all I see is a man who is treating you like he wants, like you are his possession, but at the same time he's not invested any security. Just how close are you as a family that he can get covid and the rest of you dont? I think your relationship has deteriorated rapidly in 5 years, I also would not be surprised if his ex is more present than you realise - perhaps he even got covid from her?

The boot is now on the other foot, he's ignored you and your DC's needs, so why give him the time of day? See the bigger picture, the illness is just a coincidence, overall he's abusive. Apart from the misplaced guilt, is home life calmer without him?

I think it's interesting that out of all the advice on this thread, the advice you chose to follow was to give in to his demands. I think he has you well trained. And there are plenty of mumsnetters who are happy to pile on the pressure to "be nice" (which applies to all women and which we all struggle with to some extent or another) without understanding the context of a dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

Do not forget the bigger picture which is that he is abusive and if you don't prioritise your needs and those of the children, he never will.

What Anotheremma said. Being poorly and in hospital does not give anyone the right to be abusive or act like a petulant toddler. You are at home holding the fort right now which he should be grateful for and encouraging you to access help from friends/family. Instead all he does is criticise and gets others to phone you to pile on. Fuck that. It shows such a level of selfishness, entitlement and just how self absorbed he is that he doesn't give what is happening to his DC a second thought.

I would say that you phone him twice at day at agreed times. Organise others to phone if you can.

He is being all "poor me" and not seeing that he is an arsehole -that you are doing everything for the kids.

@blackcat86

What Anotheremma said. Being poorly and in hospital does not give anyone the right to be abusive or act like a petulant toddler. You are at home holding the fort right now which he should be grateful for and encouraging you to access help from friends/family. Instead all he does is criticise and gets others to phone you to pile on. Fuck that. It shows such a level of selfishness, entitlement and just how self absorbed he is that he doesn't give what is happening to his DC a second thought.

Exactly. Although right now -I would phone him twice a day but if it was rude, swore at me -actually I would terminate the call.

You sound as though you're not that into him and are possibly wondering if you can justify leaving him while he's ill.

Which you can, but you'll have to be thoughtful about how/when you go about it. And accept that his family might think you're a bitch.

I think what @updownroundandround said is perfect.

I'd then finish the conversation by agreeing to prioritising calls at certain times so he knows you'll be 'all ears' at those times.

Tbh he sounds like he was an arse before getting ill, and this has carried through to now.

Do you like him OP? Whose idea was it to not get married? I'm asking because I wonder if he wasn't really committed (texting his ex-girlfriend). You haven't talked much about the time before he got ill. I think you need to be there, but remain assertive. Don't be coerced into a carer role with an angry man.

I think he sounds manipulative and unkind. From way before this string of illnesses. Sure he's scared, but fear doesnt give you carte blanche to be a total asshole. Nor does a mental health diagnosis. There are plenty of assholes with mental health conditions and plenty of people who have them but wouldn't dream of treating other people unkindly even when they are not in their right minds.

OP - all I can say is, he will teach the children the same thing he has taught you: to fear his displeasure and crave his goodwill, and to curb their true natures to best suit his requirements.
Wishing you all strength.

I eventually snapped and told him yesterday over the phone that I was t happy with how distant and rude he was being towards me while he's been in the hospital. He completely flipped out and told me I was twisting things to be about me. He started coughing and hurting his stitches so I told him to focus on his recovery and that I would carry on taking care of DC, then we hung up. He didn't contact me after that.

This morning, he told PIL that he's coming out today. They're here in the house, I was upstairs and heard because FIL puts all calls on speaker due to his hearing. He then later sent me a what's app to say he's coming out today. I told him that I would be going to stay with DM so he could recover here in peace.

Now he's upset that I don't want to be here when he comes back. And it's honestly taking everything I have to stand my ground. I'd really like to ask if I'm justified in taking DC to DM's and focusing on myself. Because right now I feel like the most selfish cow in the world, but I'm really afraid of how much worse things are going to be when he's back if he really truly believes that he can talk to me however he wants because he's unwell.

Does anybody have any advice, either way? Am I being selfish or practical?

Is it better to start a new thread with things like this?