I either need a slap or a wobble. Please help.

[KnitPearl]

DP is in hospital. He went in as he was experiencing pain. He's been to hospital a fair few times this year, all for different reasons. That fact, along with his very unpredictable work schedule means that I have become very used to caring for DC alone. Without adding another thread's worth of detail, he has been gradually becoming a lot more derogatory towards me of late. I don't feel that we're in a good place, but I've wanted us to be, so I've been working on it with him up until this incident.

I was preparing to leave the house for a walk with DC when he was told by 111 to go to the hospital. Because of the huge variety of incidents this year, I didn't panic like I did the first few times. I kissed him goodbye and he said he'd update me.

Turns out the issue was a lot more serious than we could have expected, and he needed emergency surgery. Without going into detail, this is potentially a life changing adjustment for him. He may not even be able to return to work. It's so out of the blue it still feels surreal. I am worried about him while he's in the hospital, he doesn't look well, he has a fever, he's on very strong painkillers. Which brings me to the main issue.

He is being really, really horrible to me right now. He is angry that I am not prioritising talking to or messaging him over my care responsibilities to DC. He gets angry when he calls and I ask if I can call him back. This is while doing things like bathing DC, making their food, driving, dealing with their temper tantrums. I video called him today so he could say hi to DC. He ended up saying he'll let me go because I'm clearly too busy to talk to him. I was hoping he would interact with DC and feel better, but instead apparently I made him feel worse.

He's been regularly ignoring me for hours at a time because he's upset that I haven't been in touch. This causes me to worry. When I finally get through to him, he's distant and telling me there's no point trying to talk on the phone. He's also had some of his family call me to tell me he's in a bad way and I need to be there for him. I can't even visit. How do I prioritise him over DC?

Today he told me that everything he calls me for at this time is urgent. Whether it's a test result or what he had for dinner. His exact words.

Everything in me is screaming this isn't right, he's being too mean and I should tell him so. Then the nagging voice at the back of my mind tells me I'm a selfish cow for getting upset at him when he's clearly not thinking straight and is so unwell and vulnerable. As I mentioned before, he has not been too nice recently in general. Now he's just being worse.

So I really don't know how to proceed with any of this. AIBU to be upset about his behaviour? Or am I a cow for even thinking that? Please help me figure it out

You can't leave the children with him because he can't care for them. You can't stay because he is an abusive arsehole. So you have to take the children. It's the only practical way to make sure they are cared for and you are safe.

Well done! You are definitely not being selfish. He'll use any excuse to try and make you feel bad so you need to stand up for yourself and your children.

Yes, you are justified in taking your children to your mum's. Stay strong, do not give in to his bullying. He might start turning on the charm when he sees his aggressive tactics don't work. You don't have to respond to anything he says or does straight away, take time to think, read back on this thread. You've got this chance, do it right

KnitPearl. You have ben there for him at each & every turn & he has treated you like shit.
Go to your Mums. & don't look back.

I don’t think you are being selfish. He thinks you are his punching bag and has for a long time, not just this year. Stepping out is the right thing to do. His parents are there and he’s not going to treat them like this. Also, he can always call his ex girlfriend if she’s so caring and amazing.

His dps can look after him. No guilt needed by you whatsoever op...

Will his parents be able to care for him?

His dad is in his seventies and wouldn't be able to go up and down the stairs bringing him stuff, he doesn't even know how to use the washing machine to wash his bed sheets. His mum is riddled with many illnesses, she's much younger but struggles to walk and requires a stick and a scooter. So I know they won't be the best people to be there for him. That's why up until now I've been trying to shrug off what's been happening in order to be there for him and take the burden off of his parents. But he's been talking to his parents like they're saints, and all his friends and family, and then when he's talking to me he's cold, distant and constantly accusing me of not caring about him as much as I should. I really couldn't take it any more yesterday, because he was supposed to have been coming out, and I only found out later that he wasn't after he told his parents and his friends. Shouldn't he have told me first? If I'm meant to be the one caring for him?

I'm really struggling to get my thoughts in order. One minute I feel like I'm being spiteful and selfish and the next I feel like this has been a long time coming. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to my mums. But I'm then leaving people to have to pick up after me because he still needs care.

I don't know what to do

If he needs care, then he needs to find someone suitable to provide that care and treat them respectfully enough for them to be willing to do so. It's his choice not to be nice to you, or to even communicate with you as a priority. His behaviour is reaping the consequences. If his parents can't cope then he and they can bring in outside help. I bet you any money he would be much more polite to a district nurse or care worker coming in to help him than he is being to you.

Go to your mums op. Tell him the people he treats like they matter can look after him, nothing you did would be right anyway. Say I’m sorry for how you feel and I do want you to get better, but I won’t be the only person in your life who you treat like this, and also the only person in your life who does everything for you and your children. I’ve felt like this for a while now. You don’t even bother telling me if you’re getting out of hospital but expect me to be your carer? I’m not a mind reader, ask the people you did tell what was going on.

If you go OP there is no coming back, which from where I’m sitting seems like an excellent thing but that is easy for me to say.

I suggest you tell his DPs that you are taking your DC to your mum’s, so there is peace and quiet for him when he comes home. Explain to them that you cannot - for your own very good reasons - be responsible for the care of both DC and a sick and very trying man, so you choose the DC. They will cope

At this point from what you've said I am even suspicious about the 'coughing and hurting his stitches'. How convenient that when you raised how you felt and he didn't want to hear it a coughing attack appeared and your feelings of guilt at causing him sore stitches were triggered.
You're starting to see who he really is, OP. Keep going.
Not telling you he was coming out was also deliberate. Withholding information and making sure you know other people are more important to him than you are is all part of the system of control.
Go to your mums. Read up on emotional control and abuse. There is no need to feel guilty - that's definitely what he wants you to feel. And I'm cynical enough to say watch out for some sort of dramatic event or extreme turnaround which will manipulate you into returning (and apologising).

Sorry - I think this is the worst possible time to make a stand. Hospitals discharge patients long before they're able to care for themselves, even more so with the risks of contracting covid. You know that your in-laws are incapable of looking after him. You also know that, even with small dcs, you would cope and you're using the dcs as an excuse not to care for him. You don't want to do it because your feelings have been hurt and, yes, it would be spiteful and selfish.

Sure, he's being petty and spiteful too - but he's just had emergency surgery with potentially life-changing results. I'm sorry, it's bad timing that your feelings about his past behaviour have come to a head at this moment, but there's no way you can leave him to his own devices and come out of this with any sort of self-respect.

Stay put, do what needs to be done to the best of your ability with good grace. Everything else can wait till he's back on his feet. When you talk about prioritising your dcs, just remember that it's their father you're looking after and they love him, even if you don't.

@Thymeout if you had said this a couple of days ago I probably would have sat up straight and nodded. But I honestly don't have the fight in me any more now anyway. I don't feel like I have any self respect in the first place to lose any more. I'm full of guilt and anxiety and doubt at the moment but it's PILs I'm more concerned about, as not looking after him won't be an option, he will insist that they do if I'm not there. FIL is still expected to climb ladders and put up shelves, DP doesn't treat him like an elderly man, only I do. If they decide they're not going to help him because of their health, then where does that leave me? I'm not even married to him. I'm not saying that you're wrong, I'd just really like some advice on how to suck it up and push forwards, because I'm not exaggerating when I say he's been vile towards me. And DC. How would you do it?

So he's selfish and demanding with his parents, too? That's no reason to stay around.

OK, you need to urgently find a carer. He can pay for it.

I'd have been packing up for the past week and looking for someplace to move, ready to move out with the DCs before he got home.

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Your his maid and his chef. He treats you like shit. He talks to you like shit. He talks ABOUT you to people like you're shit. Why on earth would you stay for that and model it for your DCs?

Tell him if he's going to check himself out of hospital, he'd better be prepared to look after himself because you're not doing it. You have enough on your plate to even consider adding looking after a verbally abusive arsehole.

Run.

I think you should ring the ward and tell them that you are worried that he is going to be discharged to a house that is not set up for him and that you are going to be staying with your parents because of your young children so what care plan does he need? He might qualify for carers coming in and it would be better for this to be on their radar. The hospital might be able to send a hospital bed and commode etc to the house so he can be cared for downstairs. If you are not living there, it would be doable.

@growinggreyer thank you, so much. That's excellent advice. I'll do that now.

I hope they can sort something out. It is a difficult situation.

What do you think he's trying to do? (Bearing in mind that anaesthetic and painkillers can do funny things to the brain. He may not be entirely responsible for what he says and does at this stage.)

Is it just attention-seeking? As you said, he's been to the hospital a lot this year. It would be understandable for you to have come to the conclusion that he's been a bit of a hypochondriac. But this time, he was right. Yet you do seem to have treated it as more of the same. So he's paying you back for being inattentive by cutting you out and going to his parents first?

Or does he really want the relationship to end? Is he manipulating the situation so he gets what he wants, but you're the bad guy with knobs on - walking out in his hour of need - and he gets all the sympathy?

Or maybe he just feels he's been sidelined in the domestic setting. You cope so well without him that no one misses him?

But that works both ways. He's trained you not to miss him when he's absent due to work. When he's home, how much does he add to family life? Or is he just a passenger? Resting and recuperating before vanishing again without any sign of regret for what he's missing?

It's difficult to know how deep this goes or how much he'd be willing to change his ways. I still think you shouldn't do anything drastic now. Even if it weren't unfair to the inlaws, you'll lose the moral high ground and will be negotiating from a position of weakness. But, yes, when he's back on his feet I would certainly be making some changes.

Im going to echo the above and say take your kids and leave. There is no reason for you to martyr yourself. Best of luck!

@Thymeout Moral high ground? What's immoral about leaving an abusive relationship? When you behave like an arse and treat people like shit, especially those who you love, why should you expect them to run after you when times get tough? Maybe that's the reality check he needs to realise the damage he is doing to his family.

Would you suggest that person who is in a physically abusive relationship at the end of their tether stay and help as it would be the 'morally right thing to do'? I hope not. Why should it be any different for someone in an emotionally abusive relationship?

OP, go to your mum's and don't feel guilty. Yes, it's a tough situation for him to be in but it's of his own making.

Having had a parent and a partner with long term health issues, I'm with Thymeout on this, it really isn't a time to make a stand especially for your PILs too. I think your actions are very selfish, worse than your DP speaking unkindly to you because god forbid you would prioritise him when he's seriously ill.

You've obviously made your mind up to end the relationship already, I think the fact of you not being at home when he gets back would make that pretty clear. Hopefully if you're ever ill with something lifechanging in future (and no doubt feeling a whole maelstrom of emotions) you don't find yourself on the receiving end of a similar response.

@Thymeout I really don't think I've ever had the moral high ground. Since the Covid incident when he was telling his ex girlfriend what a piece of work I am, to every other situation where I've tried and failed to do the right thing by him. The first day I stopped contacting him at work because he shouted at me all the times before, he came home upset because he didn't think I missed him. He is always unwell. Which I know probably isn't fake. But when he is unwell, he hates me. And he makes that very clear.

I genuinely don't want to do anything drastic. But in the past when he's been sick and signed off work, I care for him 24/7, until one day when he announces he's going back to work the next morning. He has not once ever recuperated enough to let me have a few hours respite before he goes back to work. If I had to guess I'd say it's because being around DC stresses him out. You're right that they love him, but won't that become a problem as they get older and realise he has no time for them? When he's home, he's resting before his next shift. He won't help me take DC out shopping, he won't entertain me making plans to socialise. I haven't been out and spent time with friends since they were born.

I know this is just word vomit, I can't make sense of my thoughts. I'm not trying to make excuses. I have just reached a point where nothing makes sense and I need clarity because I feel on the verge of just breaking down completely. I have no idea what to do.

You need time to think. Definitely go to your Mum if you can do it comfortably and take a few days to figure it out.

I definitely think warning the hospital there is no one able to help at home so he needs a care plan is a sensible idea.