I either need a slap or a wobble. Please help.

[KnitPearl]

DP is in hospital. He went in as he was experiencing pain. He's been to hospital a fair few times this year, all for different reasons. That fact, along with his very unpredictable work schedule means that I have become very used to caring for DC alone. Without adding another thread's worth of detail, he has been gradually becoming a lot more derogatory towards me of late. I don't feel that we're in a good place, but I've wanted us to be, so I've been working on it with him up until this incident.

I was preparing to leave the house for a walk with DC when he was told by 111 to go to the hospital. Because of the huge variety of incidents this year, I didn't panic like I did the first few times. I kissed him goodbye and he said he'd update me.

Turns out the issue was a lot more serious than we could have expected, and he needed emergency surgery. Without going into detail, this is potentially a life changing adjustment for him. He may not even be able to return to work. It's so out of the blue it still feels surreal. I am worried about him while he's in the hospital, he doesn't look well, he has a fever, he's on very strong painkillers. Which brings me to the main issue.

He is being really, really horrible to me right now. He is angry that I am not prioritising talking to or messaging him over my care responsibilities to DC. He gets angry when he calls and I ask if I can call him back. This is while doing things like bathing DC, making their food, driving, dealing with their temper tantrums. I video called him today so he could say hi to DC. He ended up saying he'll let me go because I'm clearly too busy to talk to him. I was hoping he would interact with DC and feel better, but instead apparently I made him feel worse.

He's been regularly ignoring me for hours at a time because he's upset that I haven't been in touch. This causes me to worry. When I finally get through to him, he's distant and telling me there's no point trying to talk on the phone. He's also had some of his family call me to tell me he's in a bad way and I need to be there for him. I can't even visit. How do I prioritise him over DC?

Today he told me that everything he calls me for at this time is urgent. Whether it's a test result or what he had for dinner. His exact words.

Everything in me is screaming this isn't right, he's being too mean and I should tell him so. Then the nagging voice at the back of my mind tells me I'm a selfish cow for getting upset at him when he's clearly not thinking straight and is so unwell and vulnerable. As I mentioned before, he has not been too nice recently in general. Now he's just being worse.

So I really don't know how to proceed with any of this. AIBU to be upset about his behaviour? Or am I a cow for even thinking that? Please help me figure it out

I have had friends with cancer and they have admitted how needy they have been when facing potentially life threatening situations. It is hard to support someone who is seriously ill. I know a man who walked out on his wife after her cancer diagnosis. He was a widower whose former wife had died of cancer and he couldn't go through it again. It is an incredibly emotional time for the person who is ill and also for their family.
Perhaps get his family as involved as possible so they can give him emotional support and you some practical childcare support. It is the scariest thing being very, very ill.
Good luck and best wishes to you all.

I’m going to be honest here— it sounds like you never took his health issues seriously and just brushed him off. You left him to go through the scariest possible situations alone, and don’t seem anxious to be there for him or give him any of the support he needs. He feels like you’re using the children as an excuse to not be there for him, and he’s right—you can ask someone else to look after them for a bit, or you can simply prioritise him for a bit and speak to him.

If I were in his position and my life partner treated me like this in a moment of need, I’d be more devastated than by the health news. His whole life has turned upside down, he won’t be able to work and may face hardship, and you’re making it clear this is of less interest to you than going for a walk.

Can I ask whether you are upset, and dong this as a coping mechanism? You have to understand though surely that it is coming over as cruel?

If I were you I would apologise to him and say that you’ve been coping badly due to feeling overwhelmed, but that you are here for him now and he is your priority at this time.

Remember that a lot of men express fear through irritation and anger—not that it makes it ok, but it sounds like he’s terrified and doesn’t know how to say it. Not great, but not something you should respond to like he’s just trying to be a jerk.

What was he like prior to his health issues? If he was a nice, kind, decent man I would try and cut him some slack. Being in hospital is scary enough as it is and he’s completely alone and not allowed any visitors. You said his condition is potentially life changing- he must be terrified. Maybe him wanting to ring you is his way of taking some of the anxiety off? Hearing my DP’s voice calms me down. Wanting to talk about what he had for dinner could be some normality for him. Whilst I understand your reasoning for not ringing him after surgery did you not text him when you knew he was out? I’d be so upset if my partner knew I was out of surgery and didn’t text me.

Being in pain can change you as a person. I have a chronic illness and I know first hand that it can make me grumpy and sometimes nasty when I’m just sick of everything. However, if he was like this before all of his health issues and this has just made him worse then I would be questioning a few things.

@tillytown

It sounds like he was awful before the surgery, and now he has been given a green light to be worse

^^This

And I bet it'll ramp up when he comes home.

OP, sympathies, it sounds like it was not great before and it is harder now.

I have not been in a similar situation but I did not want to read and run.

If you were my close friend, I would tell you to:

1. separate the illness from the behaviour, so you can work/think through on each as needed,
2. tell your DH everything you say here, why you hesitate, why you thought the kids would cheer him up and listen to the answers (not with the view to accept them but to see what he thinks)
3. Most importantly, ask for lots of help to have time for yourself. If you are to care for kids and DH, you will need your own batteries, physically and mentally.

He sounds abusive BEFORE he was ill.

I'd write the message someone suggested above... He then has it in black and white you wont tolerate his behaviour.

You need to make a decision whether

A) you want to stay with him long term?

B) you want to look after him when he comes home... If you don't, you need to tell his named nurse otherwise they'll assume you'll be playing nurse on his return.

Given his behaviour.... No way would I be looking after him... He seems to want to be in competition with your kids.... Can you imagine what he'll be like when he's feeling ill long term and not in work and lazing on sofa all day??

Can I ask how long you've been together, if you're married, and who owns the house?

This sounds so difficult for you. You sound very anxious about doing the wrong thing. (Not knowing whether to call, leave him alone or whatever). This suggests that the dynamics of the relationship haven't been healthy before this. Constantly second guessing, and it sounds like there's an element of him setting you up to fail no matter what you do.

It's difficult to know what to do next because he will be understandably very scared at the moment and this may not be the best time for a frank discussion about you relationship. I do agree though with the posters above about working out what you want. There is always a degree of resentment when caring for someone, at the best of times, so you need to be realistic about what you will or won't do. (I deliberately haven't used can or can't do there - please be clear with yourself that you do have choices here, no matter how hard).

He sounds like an abusive dick. And being very ill has made this behaviour worse.

Remember: his illness didn't create his shitty behaviour; he was already this way.

I would be very clear, along the lines of: "Of course I'm very sorry you're so unwell. It's awful. And I'm doing my best to support you through it. BUT ... we have young children. And I am the only one at home currently capable of doing x, y and z for them. These things are not optional. These are my responsibilities. If you continue to abuse me or speak to me in such a derisive, vile manner, I will cease contact and let you seek support elsewhere. Because I will not be abused for trying to keep my job and being their for our children, which has to be the priority from my end. There is no one else who can pick up the slack from my end. If you truly don't understand that, then I don't see much hope for us staying together going forward."

It sounds like, ill or not, he need to be the most important person in the family. When you needed him you were pestering him, now he needs you you're not prioritising him.
How was he when you were pregnant? It tends to be the time a woman is most reliant on her husband, was he supportive? Did he look after you? Or did he find something wrong with him self during your labour and need the nurses attention more than you?

I'd tell him that you love him very much and do care, but you are also looking after his children who also need you and dont have anyone else so you need to prioritise them. And as a father he should understand that his children are the priority.

Just to clarify... this isn’t: a stroke, a brain tumor, or a heart attack, is it? If you don’t want to say, that’s fine. Just because I’ve heard of all three having an effect on someone’s personality, and in the cases involved, it was always men. So you might ask speak to his hospital doctor privately, if possible, tell him that you’ve noticed negative personality changes even before the surgery, and now after, and is that normal and might it still change? If he says some more medical version of, “Right no, what you see is what you get,” then you’ll have to figure it out from there. I’m sure this is terribly stressful for you and hope it gets better

He's not handling it well. When my DH was in hospital for a month being tube fed, he also became quite grumpy. It was a three hour round drive every day to visit him, and sometimes I'd get there and we'd just be bickering. However, it was unbelievably shit for him, so I understood and I didn't take it personally.

He can't expect you to drop everything when he calls for a chat while you're with young children. If he calls because it's genuinely urgent then you need to do all you can to take the call or ring him back as soon as you possibly can.

However, I think you do need to make arranged time every day to listen to him and talk to him without being interrupted by the children. You need to set them up with a snack and some TV at an agreed time during the morning, then maybe a second call after bedtime.

I don’t know how other posters have decided he was abusive before he was ill, as you don’t say very much beyond he had a unpredictable work schedule. I do however think you have been underplaying his health issues and still are, even though you acknowledge that it is life changing and he will need to stop work.

As far as I can tell you haven’t said how old the DC are or whether you can get someone in to help, as his family have been telling you he is in a bad way and needs you, can they help at home for a bit? I think you need to try and find a way to be more supportive, he is clearly crying out for it. Men have trouble coping sometimes too.

Thank you for all of the replies. It's really given me some clarity about what I've been feeling.

To answer some questions:

It's not a stroke, tumor or cancer, or heart attack. I really don't want to post his personal stuff for the world to see, but part of his body turned out to have been damaged, and he failed to respond to antibiotics to fix the issue, so needed surgery.

We've been together for five years. Live in his father's property. Not married. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Everything he's been in hospital for since I've known him has been a different issue each time. This year, he had an injury to a limb, he had kidney stones, he was involved in a RTI on the way to work, he was hospitalised earlier in the year for Covid (fortunately managed to avoid intubation and I was able to care for him at home), he went in once for a mental health crisis, these are the kinds of things. None linked whatsoever. So I can honestly say I haven't been watching his health decline and distancing myself.

When he went to hospital after calling 111, they suspected kidney stones again. He wasn't too worried, and I knew the routine for kidney stones (hospital, medication, lots of rest upon return, giving lots of water etc). None of us knew it was more serious than that. So I went on my walk with DC as they were looking forward to it and expected to have to be useful when I got home and potentially have to nag him about drinking enough water. Not this.

When he was hospitalised for Covid, I was a wreck. I was petrified that I would lose him. I was scared sick that I would get it and DC would be alone. I was terrified of DC getting it. I cried so much as he was being taken out to the ambulance. When he was back, a few days later I saw on his phone that he had been messaging an ex girlfriend and telling her that I was handling things poorly and that I was upset at having to look after DC alone. That honestly broke my heart. After that, I stopped getting upset when he was taken to hospital. I didn't want him to think that I was selfishly crying about myself.

He is wanting me to be his carer when he is out. I was when he had Covid. This time he will require personal care as well as food, drinks, etc. I'm planning to provide this.

Before this, he wasn't being the kindest person towards me. Nothing like he was when I met him or in the first few years. But as I mentioned before, he has been struggling with mental health as far as I know. So I'm trying not to take it personally and just push forward.

I'm sorry for yet another long post. I hope this answers things but if not I'll explain more, I'm not trying to drip feed. I also hope this answers @12309845653ghydrvj because a lot of that was inaccurate so it didn't really help me I'm sorry.

When you say he was in before for unrelated incidents, do you mean literally completely unrelated (like one time a broken arm and suspected appendicitis another) or issues that could all be part of the same condition he’s now dealing with?

His behaviour sounds odd, he must be terrified atm if he’s facing not working etc, dealing with changes like that are horrible and if it were just that I’d try and wait it out, but it depends on what he was like before.

Next time his family have a go at you for needing to be there, say “ok, so you’ll babysit when I see him, right?”.

I don’t think children should be top priority all the time, an unwell and scared adult needs support too. But that doesn’t mean he gets to treat you like this either.

Oh sorry cross post re previous visits

I am shocked at his bitching about you to his ex. That’s not ok at all.

His MH must have been pretty bad to have visited the hospital. All these different conditions he’s been through, even if not all serious in themselves, really can have a build up and burn people out. The “FFS, yet another thing” is really draining, you just want to be well for more than a few months without the next thing coming along.

But none of it is a licence to treat you like that. DH and I both have a combination of physical and MH difficulties, both of us can end up withdrawing into ourselves etc and I have still had to have the conversation about owing it to the rest of us to not completely give up etc. And I really did mean it when I said to him that it would make me leave if I couldn’t handle it. But he’s fundamentally a good person who saw how he was letting it affect the rest of us and he worked on it and things are so much better. That’s the crux of it - is this something that 1. Can be worked on, 2. He’s willing to work on? Or is it actually just his underlying attitude of selfishness - if it’s that, it won’t change.

Have these been over the five years since you knew him or have these all happened very fast?

None of these have been minor issues and you don’t seem like you’ve handled them very well. That being said, slagging you off to his ex is not okay at all. Did you pull him up on that?

Kidney stones are excruciating I have had them and I genuinely thought I was going to die from the pain. For him to go to the hospital in a mental health crisis, he must have been in a bad way. Like wise with COVID, I bet he was absolutely terrified.

I am always sick. I have been sickly since birth and whenever something happens I can brush it off. DP is never sick and he got appendicitis a few months ago and it was terrifying. He didn’t know what was happening and cause of COVID I couldn’t be there to reassure him. He’d never even had this blood done! I had to baby him when he got back. Different people respond to being unwell differently.

What was he like before OP has he always been like this or do you think the stress of one thing after another is leading to his current behaviour? You don’t sound like you’ve been very sympathetic. I know being alone with the children is hard but it’s not exactly like he’s been sick with a cold each time.

"I'm also worried that if I do start calling him more frequently, he'll quickly resent hearing from me again"

I don't think you should start calling him a lot unless he wants it. Just be there for when he calls.

Based on your feelings now it sounds like your marriage is in trouble and you may decide to end it Some time but for now I'd say you do need to prioritise him. Looking after the children and keeping them safe is always a priority but things like taking them for a walk do not need to be.

Of you feel his behaviour is abusive of course you can always disengage or end your marriage. You don't need mumsnet to tell you that. But for your own sake taking his calls when he calls, even if he can only tell you what he had for dinner (I mean that can't take long and may be that he has little else to talk about).

He doesn't sound very nice and I totally do not blame you for feeling fed up. But I think prioritising his calls should not be that onerous. How many times a day is he calling. If it is a lot then how much?

@ChronicallyCurious I don't think I've been as sympathetic as I'd want to be either. And to answer your question, all of those hospital visits were within the last year. I don't think I handled any of them well. I was terrified the first few times and cried openly, hugging him before he went, and visiting him pre Covid, and he mistook that for me being upset about not having a babysitter. After the Covid issue, I stopped being so emotional about my concern for him because I didn't want him to carry on thinking that. This time, I told the doctor to tell him that his family is fine and that I love him and want him to focus on his recovery. Up until yesterday, I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting for him to talk to me instead of contacting him first, because when he's not ill that's how he prefers things.

Part of me thinks that maybe he's messaging his ex again while he's there. It would explain the could shoulder and the anger. So I don't really have much of a chance of redeeming myself if that's the case. Last time she was very scathing with her opinion of me. I really just feel lost right now.

Personally, I'd consider leaving him too it. Tell him to stay in hospital or hire a carer and move myself and the children out.

He's horrible to you. And berates you for not doing enough 'for him', even though you're doing everything for everyone. Not much joy in your life with him I suspect.

@Italiangreyhound he wasn't calling too often. The times he was calling were typically times that we would both normally be busy with DC, such as mealtimes, bedtime and bath time. Because he's so familiar with their routine and what they're like, I thought that he would just say 'oh crap of course' and let me call him back. I didn't think it would hurt him as much as it did, and I feel awful about that.

Have you explained to him how you feel? You probably are appearing cold but unless you explain how terrifying it is for you he won’t know! If he’s been someone who’s been well until this year then it must be terrifying for you. My poor partner was traumatised by his appendicitis but it really knocked me for six, he’s never ill so it was really hard to comprehend. If he’d had a year similar to your partners I’d be beside myself.

Please don’t let that excuse him speaking about you to his ex though. Yes you haven’t handled it well, he’s not handling it well either. That’s no excuse to disrespect you to his ex.

Some meds can make people much less aware of what they're saying/how they're coming across. My mum gets absolutely vile every time she has morphine.

Can you ask to speak to his doctors and see if there's anything medically that could be causing it?

Maybe also set aside 30mins a few times a day just to speak to him. I'm not excusing his behaviour but hospitals are scary places.

Lastly, contact PALS and see they if have anyone who can visit him. Not sure if they're doing it right now but worth a try.