I’ve nc for this.
If my partner was an overbearing man on a daily basis this would be so much easier...most of the time, his most obvious character trait is how quiet and shy he is. He has had long bouts of social anxiety throughout his life (He also has ED which he told me started in his 20s...he’s late 30s now) and most people would think he was a gentle person. He is gentle at home too and we get on very well on a day to day basis...if it wasn’t for his actions during his Mr Hyde periods...which I find hard to forgive, I would go as far as to say we will well suited....he doesn’t control what I do or who I see in any way, doesn’t dictate what I wear or my interests. I don’t walk on egg shells on a daily basis. To the outside world he appears like the ideal partner and most of the time, he is.
However, he has (or had) a dark side. I know this isn’t unusual in abusers ...I know most of them don’t waltz about in tee-shirts with ‘abuser’ on the front, swigging stella and swinging blows...but my problem is the abusive actions are so rare...and his split personality is so unevenly balanced, with ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ forming so much of his make-up that my head is screwed.
A few years back he behaved quite badly when drunk in front of his long-term friends and exposed his nasty side...possibly for the first time ever in front of them. He is normally very quiet but had had stress at work and was also feeling aggrieved that his friends were on high salaries while his, while over the national average and perfectly respectable, wasn’t comparable. When someone mentioned their own high wage he just blew up...basically saying they didn’t deserve what they were paid and making a scene. He later told he me wasn’t jealous...just that the fact everyone else found career progression easy and he didn’t, frustrating...and he was also steaming drunk. I believed this outburst was a one off because his friends have known him 20 years and all remarked this was the first incidence of anything like this. I don’t think the outburst came from a place of spite more feelings of in adequacy. However, seeing this, on the spur of the moment I told him I wanted to leave him partly because when he stomped out after his outburst his friends also told me about him cheating on his ex-wife. When we met he told me he was divorced due to an affair...I didn’t quiz him on this, he volunteered it and while he told me he was to blame, I hadn’t realised quite how much he had disrespected his wife ...basically he’d told me that the affair was a one off over a few months and he’d never done anything like that before. His friends told me however, that he’d cheated on her with two people. It wasn’t this that made me want to leave him but disgust I suppose, that he’d sounded so believable when he’d told me how much of a saint he’s been in the marriage apart from the affair...I hadn’t probed...it wasn’t a situation where he’d been forced to lie. When everything had calmed down I began to appreciate how his anxiety and frustration led to him being so nasty to his friend...not great, but a first time offence in a life-time of being placid and given how drunk he was..these things do happen I suppose. However, instead of feeling mortified and apologising to his friends the next day as most people would...once I’d told him I was leaving him, he decided to use me as cannon fodder. In his anxious mind, under the impression I was leaving he now had no girlfriend and possibly no friends either (this wouldn’t have been the case, they would have forgiven and forgotten...but his anxious paranoia and hungover brain didn’t see it that way) so he decided to invent a story about me to divert attention from his outburst. Basically informing his friend I’d badmouthed them...I hadn’t...in fact I’d told him off for being nasty to them...but he thought that I was leaving and these people would never see me again. I didn’t find out for months and when I did, it seemed to me the most bizarre thing I’d ever heard of...and childish...like a toddler caught with chocolate around his mouth denying eating any and pointing his finger at the innocent child next to saying ‘she did it’. He is an exceptionally childlike person but not normally in a way that hurts other people.
Anyway, when I got upset about finding out about what he’d done I admit I called him a coward...I said he’d behaved like a pre-teen girl and demanded he correct his lies. Which he did...sort of. He later said this caused him ‘stress’ . So much stress that a few weeks later, after drinking again he physically attacked me...I know being drunk is absolutely no excuse but I only mention it because he no longer drinks`to excess and hasn’t for a couple of years). It was a very serious assault and it was only through luck that I didn’t die. A stronger person would have left then but I didn’t....I can make all the excuses under the sun, that I was far away from all my family and friends, had financial worries, that he gaslighted me as did his parents, that I thought I’d be blamed because I’d ‘nagged’ him, the shock (I had a head injury) and while all these are true, the fact I stayed is my fault..no one else’s. I do think ether was some trauma bonding for sure...but he didn’t lock me up and force me to stay. I made that decision and I know it’s not a commendable one.
I think I was in shock for a couple of years. After the assault I started having problems with sleep until I was only getting a few hours...gradually I became like a zombie. I wandered around in this state for a few years until I got proper counselling and was diagnosed with ptsd. During this time he has ‘grown up’ he says he knows he has treated me and his ex wife badly. That he is not that person anymore..he no longer drinks to give himself confidence in social situations ...he mostly behaves like the perfect human being and I believe he has changed.
But I suppose it’s like trying to forgive an affair...the resentment (not surprisingly) can linger long after the event. My therapist and the friends I have now think I should leave now I’ve woken up to what happened but it’s hard...he has these two sides to him and the one that is ‘current’ is the nice side...I find it hard to get my head straight re my feelings for someone who is only abusive once every few years. I almost wish he was abusive more often as I would have left long ago. I’m not sure what I’m asking for really...maybe just a handhold. I should also mention, we have no children and sorry..I hadn’t realised I’d written so much.