September 2020 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's now September 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
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Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

[quote LondonTowers]@mrs good luck today![/quote]
Thank you so much , l have been to hell and back this morning. My Narc Mother 89, in Feb is Flying monkey and enabler for my narc sister and her narc husband. Myself & my Dh go to her and her partner 16 miles away every day to look after her. My narc sister and Brother do nothing. I am criticised for anything l do . Today for instance. I sent birthday cards for my narc bil from myself and my two dds. For the first time ever l didn't send any presents. My Mother while l am showering her, brings her up to me , 'ahh he loved the cards, she was lovely to me today' normally my sister is a hateful cow to my Mother. I didn't reply to any of the provocation and this was so so mild in comparison to what l have to put up with normally. My Mother pretends that my sister cares about me and loves me and l know that the truth is she hates my guts, it's been a long time finding out . I am 59 and nearly 2 years ago after a lifetime of putting my sister on a pedestal and worshipping her l realised what she was. My Father died and we put a nanny cam in the house ( in full view and fully understood what we were doing) to make sure she was ok and l witnessed and recorded my sister saying the most awful things about me to my Mother. For instance ' She didn't grieve Nanny, she was full of herself , smug and self satisfied swanning about ' at my Mil funeral several years ago. I couldn't believe it and was heartbroken. I am the least smug person l know. I have been NC for over a year but still l have this constant crap from my Mother . It so helps to vent here.
As for the EMDR l have not had it myself and think it is a specialised practice l had counselling but Narcissism doesn't seem to be well rocognised by the ones l have seen and l have had to look into this an awful lot myself. It hurts like hell .

Thanks @Dacquoise hopefully then I am not the narc in my family :) I'm really paying attention to the things people say in my family network. From an Intellectual point of view its fascinating but from a personal point of view it's a hit of a head f*.

@Mrsmadevans you have my sympathy. How has the nc been with your sister? Can I ask was it the nanny cam incident (which must have been so hurtful) that was the deciding factor for going nc? You say you really looked up to her, how did this change? I'm sorry that you have the burden of caring for your mother, it seems to be me many abused children end up lumped with this responsibility :( and I totally agree with you regarding not many therapists seem to know about narcissism.. I think its a bit of a gap in the market, seems to me like the USA are much more aware.

I just went to my mothers, she was lovely after being put on a bit of a guilt trip last week about not seeing her for a whole 10 days. My uncle said I'd lost weight (I said thanks I've been trying) mum said "yes, look at your big beautiful legs". Its probably nothing but I can't help thinking the word big is significant....my mother has always said jibes about my weight/ greed etc etc....this is what I mean when I say head f*. The rest of the time she was lovely with the grandkids but of course mentioned the fact that we hadn't seen her for ages and she was surprised the baby even knew who she was. That sort of thing really irritates me but then perhaps that's normal for parents/ grandparents.

"Thank you so much , l have been to hell and back this morning. My Narc Mother 89, in Feb is Flying monkey and enabler for my narc sister and her narc husband. Myself & my Dh go to her and her partner 16 miles away every day to look after her".

Why?. That may sound harsh but why do you do this?. Is it really because there is no-one else to do it?.

I would now tell your mother you can no longer do this for her because of carer burnout. Honestly what is the point of knocking yourself out for such a person?. I also think your mother actively triangulates between you and your sister.

Why did you also send your narc BIL cards at all?. Would also suggest you stop sending all cards going forward to your sister's family; you are no contact with your sister and that should also include her H. Your daughters are actively seeing you being bullied and otherwise abused by your family of origin; this does them no favours either to see you as their mother being so disrespected.

Would urge you now to put your own finite resources into something more worthwhile like your own family unit and friends. It is really not possible to have a relationship with people like your sister and your mother. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. All you can do ultimately is grieve for the relationships you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

'I just went to my mothers, she was lovely after being put on a bit of a guilt trip last week about not seeing her for a whole 10 days. My uncle said I'd lost weight (I said thanks I've been trying) mum said "yes, look at your big beautiful legs". Its probably nothing but I can't help thinking the word big is significant....my mother has always said jibes about my weight/ greed etc etc....this is what I mean when I say head f*. The rest of the time she was lovely with the grandkids but of course mentioned the fact that we hadn't seen her for ages and she was surprised the baby even knew who she was. That sort of thing really irritates me but then perhaps that's normal for parents/ grandparents.' l have had this my whole life .
'You've got such a lovely face' to me , not said but l took it as implied they were really sayin, pity about your big fat body, talking about fat ppl on the telly in front of us , poking my Dds in the stomach and telling them to hold their stomach in. I have felt so intimidated while in the same room as the family my whole life, about being fat . I wouldn't dream of telling my Mum to lose weight , she's fat, or telling my Sister to stop blinking , she has a facial tick, or telling my Brother to stop drinking , he's a functioning alcoholic.

big beautiful legs - sounds exactly as you perceived it, a passive aggressive swipe that 'could' be a taken as a compliment by an outsider.

LondonTowers

Such people were toxic when you were growing up and they have not changed since. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their "nice" is really all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. And that cycle is a continuous one.

Narcissistic people can do harm to both you and in turn your children right in front of your very eyes. Your mother meant every word here and it was designed to hurt you. She certainly got her PA digs in at your overall expense. Emotionally healthy people do not and never behave like your mother does.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, likely not. Reassess your own boundaries here re your mother and revise them further upwards. I would urge you to stop visiting these people going forward because your mother cannot be trusted and can always be relied upon to get some dig in. Your children need emotionally healthy grandparents as role models, your mother does not fit the bill.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"Thank you so much , l have been to hell and back this morning. My Narc Mother 89, in Feb is Flying monkey and enabler for my narc sister and her narc husband. Myself & my Dh go to her and her partner 16 miles away every day to look after her".

Why?. That may sound harsh but why do you do this?. Is it really because there is no-one else to do it?.

I would now tell your mother you can no longer do this for her because of carer burnout. Honestly what is the point of knocking yourself out for such a person?. I also think your mother actively triangulates between you and your sister.

Why did you also send your narc BIL cards at all?. Would also suggest you stop sending all cards going forward to your sister's family; you are no contact with your sister and that should also include her H. Your daughters are actively seeing you being bullied and otherwise abused by your family of origin; this does them no favours either to see you as their mother being so disrespected.

Would urge you now to put your own finite resources into something more worthwhile like your own family unit and friends. It is really not possible to have a relationship with people like your sister and your mother. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. All you can do ultimately is grieve for the relationships you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Atilla l totally get and really appreciate your input , l know you are right. I have come a long way from the beginning of this process and l am getting there. It is very complicated and suffice to say l realise l have been trauma bonded to them all. I am working on myself and l feel lam getting somewhere but it is a long process due in part to my own thinking and my own frustration at being unable to be 'cruel/hard' enough to think of myself and walk away. I am going to see it through with my Mum until she passes away because l feel duty bound. I don't think l could live with myself if she died and l wasn't there . I know this is probably making everyone think l am bringing it upon myself by not being so determined to cast her off but l am a nurse by profession and l have been in this role of carer for all my life. Thank you Attila l am trying honestly and l have come a long long way to where l am now. London, by the very fact you are here and asking for clarification it tells me you are not a narc. Hope that helps you my dear as for NC l will be honest woth you and tell you it hurts like hell , l am still grieving the sister and family l thought l had but it was all lies . So if l could go back and be in the dark again , l dont know what l would do , when it really hurts like today if l would say to you honestly l wish l could turn the clock back. This is the thing you see , we are our own worst enemies.

"poking my Dds in the stomach and telling them to hold their stomach in"

See what I mean about harm being done right in front of your very eyes?. And what did you feel/think/do whilst all that was happening?. Its bad enough that you've been deeply emotionally harmed by your mother and now she is starting further on your children.

Do not further subject your children to such abusive treatment from your mother. If she cannot and indeed will not behave decently then none of you should actually further troop over there to see her. I would certainly advocate a no contact position here. With you out of the picture entirely hopefully the rest of your family of origin will then turn on each other.

@LondonTowers You asked “Is it typical of narcissistic personality to alternate between nice behaviour and manipulation.”. I would say yes as that’s how the cycle of abuse works. If they were horrible all the time, no would would be able to stand being around them and their abusive character would be obvious. Narcs will often lovebomb you with affection or gifts when they feel that you are pulling away from them so they can pull you closer.

You are certainly trauma bonded as a result of their abuses of you but now this dysfunctional crap is further affecting another generation here i.e your children and they will become similarly harmed as to how you have been. Toxic stuff like this can and does go down the generations.

You have a choice here re your family of origin, they do not.

Attila my Dds know what the whole family are like, they are much, much better than l am at saying their piece and how it is and they are NC with the narc Bil and Sister apart from the 3 cards a year. They are my comfort and they are so amazing. My Dds are 25 & 26 so they are very up on how the family are . They help me so much l can't believe how good they are about it all. When we went NC with my family apart from Mum , my sister told everyone that she was heartbroken over them & that l had poisoned them against her . This really hurt me so so much . I have worked through a hell of a lot of crap and this was one more thing that really hurt me that l just had to work through. How could she think l would do that and how on earth could anyone think at the age of 25 & 26 l would be able to make their minds turn against them. My girls want nothign to do with any of them, l am just going through the motions with Mum until she dies basically , l am clinging on with my nails scraping down the door. Truth is it's a hell of a shock to discover the family you thought loved you and had your back, were narcs. It is only when you go into everything about narcs that you see it all and once you see it you cannot forget . I can't believe the bare faced lies that have been siad and l can;t get over how l was hoodwinked for 58 of my 59 years . I feel so stupid and so used and abused and that this is all so unfair. Thing is thought they are so false and scheming to ohers outside the family. They put on this veneer of being caring , loving ppl and they all fall for it . I am the bad one . l am the narc. Sorry to go on. It helps so much to vent with others who understand and have experienced this too. I have tried appealing to the good side of my Mum and asked her what does she think is going on and she told me she thinks l have had a mental breakdown. When she told me that l felt and knew there was no hope . My sister has done a brilliant smear campaign on me .

Am off to watch Beechgrove, it soothes me so much

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat the thing is, yes, I probably would have a devoted this crap as a friend. I've a track record of very demanding friendships but I am definitely on the road to recovery having sacked many of them off. Thank you for your advise, it's so nice to have your feelings validated, it feels really enlightening and I am really enjoying the recovery process in a weird way (believe me it is anxiety/ guilt/ lonely and crazy- making at times) but I feel a bit more free already (I am aware though I could get sucked back in easily at this point, or so I think, just because I feel stronger I think it could work against me)

@Mrsmadevans I get what you mean, I'm in the caring profession too. I am also reconsidering that as well! I'm sorry you don't feel you can not provide your mother care, I hope she shows appropriate appreciation but I imagine it's not possible for a narc.

Thank you London it makes it very hard to be someone you have never been. I hope you continue to feel better about this awful situation

Bless you @Mrsmadevans. I totally get that, of course, I don't think you should change either. From what I have been reading it is a really painful process, that is up and down, forwards and backwards but there is a silver lining so hold on to that and keep with watching the feel good TV and anything else that keeps you happy/ sane and like @dontwantamirena said be aware of the cycle that seems to be at play. Might be a bit woo for you but I'd seriously consider getting some energetic healing or using some Crystal's (or whatever method might help- hypnotherapy meditation etc) to help protect against your mothers abuse .... if you are not able to get another person to share in the caring responsibilities that is xx

@LondonTowers - you asked earlier about family SM etc. I have found that it’s best to fade out rather than flounce. Leaving a group plays to the drama. I don’t ever add anything to mine and do not respond or answer any Qs unless it is personally directed at me. Only then I might respond with a delayed v vague grey rock stuff - that’s fine, all OK, nothing much happening etc. Then they almost forget you are there. I mute and archive the chat - and also set it so the message content doesn’t flash up as this can be triggering. I did eventually leave one family group after one final dirty deed. Of course they up the ante for a bit and try to weave their way into your life in the most random ways (recently one had a highly unprofessional conversation with my DS SENCO, another passed shit on through a hairdresser we both go to!) - the hardest is that they are playing a b weird game with random, gushing texts to my teenage DCs.

@Mrsmadevans - I have had the smear campaign and it would drive you mad to try to fight it. But I have since found that important relatives have seen it for what it is. I didn’t bring anything up - but they told me what was said. I know that I have a strong reputation for all of the kind, generous and respectful ACTIONS over decades with these people and that my siblings vile words don’t cut any ice. I take comfort from that.

SSLOOU ' I know that I have a strong reputation for all of the kind, generous and respectful ACTIONS over decades with these people and that my siblings vile words don’t cut any ice. I take comfort from that.' .....

and so you should , l am so happy for you that you have been supported by some of your family unfortunately l haven't had such support despite my reputation being similar to yours (l am so so glad for you ) and unless l show them the horrible videos (l have many) even then l don't think it will make a difference. Thank you for being so kind to me
London thank you so much for being so kind and reassurring me re my character and being unable to change, of course you recognise a fellow empath/carer and it is a curse !

@Sssloou I can't believe it! I've wanted to delete WhatsApp threads in the past and realised it's not possible, as you say leaving can incite drama, so I've stayed in a number of groups that make me feel yuck. Now I googled archiving and have finally figured it out. Genius! Thank you xx

@Mrsmadevans - it isn’t my siblings that have been supportive against the nasty Narc - they have all fallen in behind her - I think that this is self protective of them as they are scared they will be the next target so hang back in her shadow. It has been from cousins and aunts who have a more objective perspective out of the enmeshment. But I didn’t seek their approval. They came to me. I have to believe with the smear campaign that those who care don’t matter and those that matter won’t care what she says. I would save your energy and focus on yourself. Don’t bother trying to convince anyone. In time the truth will out. I also don’t now look for resolution or approval within this toxic mess. I am trying v hard to look away and disentangle myself with silence and dignity. Every word of mine is deliberately weaponised. I won’t give them the ammunition or pleasure. But they continue to provoke. It’s rough.

I get it was your extended family that were supportive , mine are not . You are so lucky you have them. God isn't it rough? I feel like l am on a different planet to everyone else, l am on this planet that l can see everything and they see nothing. I can hear the nuances in every word they say , everything is loaded .I so get what you are saying and l am starting to stfu because it does not a bit of good, l do get provoked badly though especially by my Mother and then end up being the 'mental case' again it is all crap!

@Mrsmadevans Narcs love to push your buttons until you react. They live for drama. They will repeatedly make it seem like you explode over nothing so they can act like a poor victim. If you can't avoid them, try grey rocking. Be as boring and neutral as you can. Say as little as possible, particularly with regards to personal information.

Thank you don'twantamirena l am trying my best to keep shtum, it's really hard but l know l have to shut it. My mother creates ridiculous scenarios, 'you don't look well today' 'you look tired you need a few days off ' , you need to go somewhere for a break' honestly how l kept my mouth shut when all l wanted to say was' how the hell can we go anywhere Mum when we have to come to look after you everyday and we have no help from your other 2 Dc and bloody Covid has closed the country down, but instead l smile sweetly and shut up. because l realise if l say anything like that it will get back to my sister and brother and l will be branded 'so aggressive & mental' .

@Mrsmadevans bless you I can relate, please don't feel alone, my mum always says I look ill when I'm feeling pretty good....really winds me up......do you think that's happening here with your mum? Saying you need a break- Well ain't that the truth. Honestly is there no end to this madness!

The thing that made/ makes me look mad is when my mum asks me unreasonable requests, nothing impossible, but things that would most definitely illicit a "no" answer because of personal circumstances (that she would of course know about). I thought either I'm totally paranoid and think the worst at all times or my mother deliberately puts in requests that she knows I can't say yes to to make me feel guilty and cause her to look a bit wounded.... from what I'm learning about this disorder I'm starting to think that it is quite possible for someone to do this. In fact, I think I now know this is the case (she says whilst simultaneously hoping someone can validate this!). And to think when I told loved ones I had started to get the feeling she was asking me questions that I'd have to say no to they looked at me like I was insane, because of course who in their right mind would do that especially mum who wouldn't hurt a fly.

London like you said 'ain't that the truth'. My Mother is so demanding it isn't true, we do everything for her & her partner , who is the sweetest man, she wanted us to clean his upstairs bath, l had cleaned the bathroom (that they don't even use, they live downstairs). He has a disabled chair lift insitu in the bath which is practically impossible to remove without doing ourselves an injury, both my husband and myself have back problems/ arthritis. I hate to say no to anything and l became abrupt because of having to put my foot down and say no. She puts her head down and willnot acknowledge l am speaking or talk to us , it is so maddening , makes us feel terrrible as if we have hit her It is all about her never being satisfied and wanting attention and us waiting on her hand and foot. She never asks for us to do it either she manages to guilt trip us into doing the job without even asking us to do it. I don't know why but l must have MUG written in big black letters on my forehead. So l don't think you are mad at all. I think you are dead right.Your Mum deliberately asks you to do things for her to guilt trip you and make you feel bad. It is like a control she has over you l think . Hugs my dear. l so know the frustration over the unfairness you are feeling.

Hi all, I need a little bit of help with my narc parents. I've dipped in and out of these threads for a while because I'm emotionally up and down with their behaviour.

Basically, my mum and dad have never accepted any fault for anything themselves. I've never received an apology from them for even a trodden toe.
They are awful for guilting me into seeing them and it's become so much worse since I had ds 2 years ago. This morning my dad range me at 7am (my dad rang because I've stopped answering to my mum and ring her back when I'm ready) to ask if they would be seeing me and ds on Wednesday (my day off). It was 7am on a Monday and I was trying to get everyone ready for the day so just said OK. Later on I decided actually I don't want to see them on Wednesday because every time I see them they undermine me to my own child, belittle me, tell me I'm a bad parent and big up my siblings who "work so hard".
I also work fucking hard, 30hours a week and with a child but they don't see it as hard work because it's not a profession, just a 'job' to them.
I texted my mum this afternoon to cancel, saying sorry, it was early and I wasn't thinking. That we had decided that as I am vulnerable (pregnant) I would be shielding as much as possible so couldn't meet them. The message I got back just said "oh but we had changed our plans to see you" so I said "I'm sure you can change them back, it's not been long". Mum then said "have we done something wrong?"
I didn't want to lie or cause an argument so said "no wrong as such. I just often feel I'm guilted into seeing you and I don't enjoy some of the topics that come up regularly." her response was "OK, I don't understand so I'll leave you to it"
Wtf?!! Surely if your adult child says you've upset them, if you didn't know what you had done or felt bad you would ask about it, apologise, ask if they wanted to talk about it so you could understand better or something. But to just ignore it because you don't like the sound of it.
Where do I go from here? I don't want an argument but I don't want to brush over it either. I know mum will just say "chalk it up to experience and move on" in a few days which is her way of cutting off something she doesn't like the sound of. But how do I move forward with the amount of resentment I have towards them without causing a huge argument of backwards and forwards?