September 2020 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's now September 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
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August 2013
December 2013
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Oct 14 – Dec 14
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May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Dolly

If this "gift" arrives anyway do not at all acknowledge receipt of same (a response from you is what is wanted here, that to such disordered of thinking people like your father is the reward). Take it to a charity shop.

trying to pick the least worst option
Sod that Zebra decide what's the best thing for you and grab it with both hands, you don't owe your mother anything, drop the rope let her pay for her own care.

Terrible Zebra

Do not talk to your brother, infact do not talk to any members of your family of origin.

You are an adult with agency; not her subordinate to control and otherwise lord it over. She has no respect for you at all. Hand over all caring responsibilities to someone else; you do not have to feel obligated into doing that either. She threw you under the bus as a child and she has not changed an iota since that time.

You indeed do not owe your mother anything, least of all a relationship here. She stayed with your late dad for her own reasons and got what she wanted out of the relationship.

Put your own self front and centre here for a change, not your mother who also has done her bit her over many years into conditioning you into accepting such batshit in the first place.

I like the fact it upsets her so much
I'm also a bit shocked at how much pleasure I've derived from not doing what my mum wanted me to-and realise this is quite an unhealthy stance to maintain
Zebra
I'm inclined to wonder ...what is the driving force behind your desire to get back at your mother? I think it's because she is exploiting you, taking the absolute piss infact and perhaps you haven't consciously acknowledged this.
I suspect that if you stop subordinating yourself to her, prostrating yourself before her, your desire to retaliate will dissipate you may even find some peace.
You say it's an unhealthy stance, I would say that your mother has tried to railroad you into an unhealthy dynamic (where she is master and you are slave) and your response i.e. to retaliate and pushback is natural and healthy.
It is natural and healthy to defend your sovereignty and maintain your own boundaries.

Thank you for all your responses. When I'm thinking clearly I know the situation is bonkers and that I've done the right thing going NC with brother. It's just there is always that little voice saying I've over reacted and that I'm the problem.
@Free3mee3 I know exactly why I want to get back at my mother she failed to protect us from my dad and she will never admit that what happened to us was wrong. I always felt sorry for her until my dad died and it became apparent that a lot of all the awful behaviour I thought was entirely down to him was actually both of them. I've always done what she wanted to keep the peace except in this case and I am childishly getting a kick out of passively refusing to bend to her will. I just feel a bit silly admitting this!

To those asking why am I caring for her. It's simple, I'm embarrassed not to. I never wanted to be someone who didn't speak to family members. Abandoning her when she is literally stuck in the house is one thing if I didn't have to explain myself to anyone. The judgement I would be subjected to though is too much to deal with at the moment. I live somewhere everyone knows everybody else so there would be gossip. My mum is well liked by lots of people who would not believe the nonsense that goes on behind closed doors. At least she can't come to my house this Christmas.

What with it being festive season and all I have been thinking about gift giving and receiving with a narc.

I imagine that gift giving is very much a grandiose thing with a narc. My mother, who appears to have narc traits, seems to lack this but- gift giving/ receiving with her seems an event loaded with meaning eg) many times I/ siblings don't get gifts and if we do they will be odd/ clearly not 'us'/ wrong size etc. BUT what has always struck me as unusual is certain people in the extended family are always got a gift/ card (and its nice/ thoughtful!) I don't get it.

Some people are crap at gift buying, some people forget (im sure ive been guilty on occasion) but with her it feels like she actually wants me to be disappointed so she can be 'hurt' (gut instinct).

The last present I got from her was a candlestick that belonged to her (Its quite nice, saw it a few weeks before and got the impression she had nowhere to put it???)

Anyway would love to hear insights and maybe I can figure out to proceed/ react this Christmas.

This from halcyon days has remained with me:-

First narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident.

re your comment:-
"Some people are crap at gift buying, some people forget (im sure ive been guilty on occasion) but with her it feels like she actually wants me to be disappointed so she can be 'hurt' (gut instinct)".

Correct.

Again from Halcyon Days:-
"I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations"

My MIL does this too

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’d love to know why they particularly weaponise Xmas. My MIL makes it a horrible push and pull of her coming. This year we’ve called her bluff and her “I’m not coming” has met with no begging or cajoling from us. She’s on her own. We’ve worked out her modus operandi, thanks to this forum, and started to push back. It’s like being liberated. We’ve just got the hurdle of her taking her blood pressure readings but I’m sure missing five days won’t be a problem. Well, it’s not to me!

@MonkeyfromManchester I'm no expert but maybe it being "the season of good will" means it's easy to lay on the guilt trip. We've been indoctrinated into this since before we were born so while we can reason in our heads that we are not being mean spirited or scrooge like our hearts tell us otherwise?!

this year we've called her bluff and her 'I'm not coming' has network no begging or cajoling from us
Monkeyfrom Excellent, well done🏆
it's sooo difficult to be calm and strategic when you've been in prolonged close proximity with someone who knows exactly how to press your buttons!
Stonewalling....not responding to or acknowledging the attempts to guilt trip and manipulate you, this is the way to take back your power.
Stand firm!

[quote LondonTowers]@MonkeyfromManchester I'm no expert but maybe it being "the season of good will" means it's easy to lay on the guilt trip. We've been indoctrinated into this since before we were born so while we can reason in our heads that we are not being mean spirited or scrooge like our hearts tell us otherwise?! [/quote]
I agree, 'but it's Christmas' is up there and on a par with 'but she's your mum'
These people have been watching observing and training you from birth to defer to them and conform to social norms, working everything to their advantage.
It's difficult to break that training and go 'yeah... and?"

What free3mee3 wrote. They use this to their advantage and can say to others what good people they are.

Also these people instilled such buttons in their now adult children. Personally speaking I will never have Mil over for Christmas Day lunch ever again after her bad behaviour towards me when DH was not in the room. My parents are not that bothered about Christmas so that side of things is easier.

Her bad behaviour towards me when DH was not in the room
They so often overreach, given enough rope they will hang themselves...
I presume this was her trying to send a clear message that her son's loyalty to her will never waver even if she insults you.
presumably she did not know until too late (if she ever figured it out at all) that she had stepped over the line for the final time
I remember a similar moment with my mother-in-law, she was deliberately rude to me, I never went back to her house, never saw her again.
with my own parents the Redline moments were to do with them insulting my children

@LondonTowers you’re bang on. Maybe, they think they can get away with more at this time of year? The Hag gets confronted over Xmas as to the life me family has chosen and what she’s chosen. It’s regret tied up with envy. But she takes no responsibility for how she’s deliberately rejected things that would have made her life better: socialising, making the effort with her family, moving to a nicer house, not living in a slum. Mr Monkey has chosen a different life, got a degree aged 38 (which she constantly naysayed). With Xmas, she can see him having a good time with my family, “siding” with us and that’s another thing that brings out her spite. I worked all that out the other day - the space from her has given me clarity. It’s sort of fascinating. The whole societal expectation that we should keep the peace and spend time with awful families is so hard. It is yeah...and?

@AttilaTheMeerkat their cunning is off the scale. Things like what you experienced is pure spite and they know EXACTLY what they’re doing. She’s as nice as pie to my family “appearances” and is vile to my partner. To me it’s all MummyMonkey shouldn’t bother about little old me. Trying to guilt trip us over my mum doing so much and us not having a car to pick her up in and be chauffeurs. Ffs. Good for you on your exit.

@Free3mee3 how brilliant you’ve done that and drawn your line in the sand.

@Free3mee3 I feel great that I’ve made my decision and am standing firm as is Mr Monkey. I thought my counsellor was going to give me a medal!

My other favourite bit of Xmas is her not wanting presents “don’t worry about me”. I now spend next to nothing with as little thought as previous presents thought out with care are stockpiled in her spare room (years and years worth) unused. It’s better to use a ragged towel dated from 1078 rather than some nice towels from House of Fraser. I have NO idea what this is about. When she was in hospital, I went into the room and took out some toiletries and put them in her bathroom, she was really angry and moved them back. WTAF is that about? Power? Rejection? Suggestions welcome.

I call that episode Eviangate; one year DH decided to have his parents and brother over here. Whilst DH was otherwise occupied elsewhere with our then very young child, she follows me out into the kitchen brandishing one bottle of Evian water (their 330ml lunch box size) saying to me, "this is for your BIL" . Now I know she does not drink alcohol anyway but who in their right mind hands over something like this and on 25th December of all days?!. She did not even think about bringing over even a litre sized bottle, it would not have occured to her to do this anyway because she is a narcissist. He got tap water and we went on holiday the following Christmas. That was the last christmas dinner we ever served them.

I went onto make a pronouncement to my DH (and a vow to myself) that we should and will go on holiday if both time and finances allow at Christmas. Most years since we have done this and a week or two of sharp sunlight and retail therapy is good for the soul!.

It would be remiss of me as well not to mention the Christmas cards.

She was also very PA with Christmas cards as well, I used to keep them and show my friends these post Christmas. They were and without exception horrified. He would get some nice fancy card with nice words on whereas I would get the hastily chosen one from a selection box (she has even now never purchased a card saying to my Son and Daughter in Law!).

This woman used to write us separate Christmas cards each and every Christmas after our marriage till I moaned to DH about it and I once wrote about that on MN too. Even now he denies having spoken to her about this but ever since then we have received a card with both our names on it. Coincidence, you be the judge!!.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Evian gate. OMG. 330ml. So, she wants to provoke you ably and abetted by bottled water. How horrible about the cards. EVERYTHING is a weapon. That’s mad.

I, too, get a separate card. I’ve never clocked that before. This page is a REVELATION to me!

She recently asked - such is her emotional ineptitude - whether she should still get a card for my sister in law “to my daughter in law” despite my lovely SIL having divorced the toxic sexually, physically and abusive son. He was golden boy and had a screwed up relationship with The Hag and women. A vile specimen and a total narcissist.

. I don’t want to do “blame the woman” but I think there’s a connection. The Hag has done a brill job as a mother - one son under her thumb, the twat who’s disappeared leaving his two kids and Mr Monkey who has severe anxiety and PTSD. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK.

It's my mums birthday today. I sent a text this morning wishing her a happy birthday and she replied saying thank you.
I just know that won't be the end of it. She will guilt me when I next speak to her that I didn't see her on her birthday.
My sister told me that my mum had arranged their Christmas bubble already with my siblings and intended not to tell me. She hasn't yet mentioned Christmas to me. I'm dreading the conversation.
She's also gone quiet on the present conversation for me too. I asked for a puzzle, she said "can't you have some pyjamas?"... Just another way of her controlling me and dismissing me. Im dreading opening the gift

Pearsapiece

Drop the rope here, your sister and mother will never give you peace.
They will not change nor become the nice mother and sister you perhaps still want them to be. Realise too that the only people who tend to bother with people like your mother are those who have received special training i.s the now adult children of such a deplorably bad parent

Do read my post timed at 8:48 re narcissists and Christmas gifts.

Hi all, I'm not sure if I should actually be here at all!

I come from a dysfunctional background where there were some elements that could be viewed as abusive but I'm not sure that I was "abused" as such. I have talked about some of the things that happened before and been directed here but avoided it because I'm not sure it's the right place for me.

The reason I'm posting today is because I'm having a really hard time with my mum and sister just now and I'm feeling really down about it and confused about what to do.

I've been NC with my mum for about a year now, since she sided with my financially and emotionally abusive exH in our separation. He was being very difficult and I had to threaten him with lawyers to get him to give me anything. She offered to step in one day when I was really struggling.

She achieved what I was wanting but in doing so she also told him I was being unreasonable and it was unfair on him which to me was a massive betrayal!
I really wasn't being unreasonable or unfair, I took a few thousand in the separation (waaay less than half of the savings) and practically nothing that I hadn't arrived in the relationship with. I was the one that moved out of our house and area and had to leave my (our) cat behind because I wasn't able to take her. He on the other hand skipped off into the sunset with everything we had and a fat bank account. We had been together nearly 10 years.

He obviously told me what she said in order to hurt me and make me feel more isolated, but I asked her about it and she was very evasive and kept changing her story. This was her clearly lying to cover her own bum. The more we talked about it the worse it got, she chopped and changed between remembering saying something like that... maybe... possibly to get him on side (like there are no other ways of smoothing things without chucking your DD under the bus?) but she can't remember what she said to any degree, not even to paraphrase, to she didn't know why we had fallen out and she didn't remember her conversation with exH at all and back again to remembering the conversation but not remembering if she said anything to that effect etc etc

Any time we've been in contact I've asked her to apologise to which she says she already has. The closest I've had from her is "I'm sorry if you feel like I've done something wrong" or yesterday "I'm sorry if I said that" which are obviously not apologies, I've tried to explain to her why I'm not counting them as such - I've had to push to get her to do it (not an apology) and she gives me grudgingly some words that might make me feel better but without taking responsibility (not an apology) - but then she turns it on me because of how I've reacted to her.

I've really struggled with depression and had suicidal thoughts earlier this year. At the start of the year when we were still trying to talk I really struggled with anger and have not managed to keep my cool with my mum leading to me swearing via text at her.

My sister at first seemed to understand and be supportive, she tried to talk to mum about it but since then all she has done is defend her, say I must have got it wrong, tell me how much we need each other, try and get us together to talk and generally try to explain away what has happened.

I moved house and didn't want mum to know where I was and asked my sister to not pass on any information about me to her. Unfortunately an old friend told my mum when I was feeling suicidal and gave her my address (I had asked her not to as well but can understand why she did) and it's clear from the communication I've had from my mum this week that my sister is keeping her apprised of what is going on in my life.

I have refused to see her face to face because my anger over this scares me and although I have never been violent before I worry that I would try and hit her if we were in a room together because they don't listen when I say I need to stop. They will push and push and I would feel trapped. Added to that is this weird breathlessness and itchy on the inside feeling I get when I'm trying to explain what has happened and how it makes me feel and they aren't listening. I try to find various ways of explaining to get them to understand what I'm saying and they never seem to get it even though they aren't stupid and I'm not a complete babbling idiot. I just feel like it would be a bad idea all round
to do this but my sister wont hear it and keeps pushing for mediation.
I've told my sister this and asked my mum not to turn up at my door unannounced because of it. I really don't want to end up hitting anyone! My mum has slapped me and shoved me as an adult on two separate occasions and I just don't think anyone should ever raise hands at anyone else. This feeling of so much anger I could hurt someone really scares me!

I would consider mediation if I thought there would be any other outcome than me getting more frustrated, upset and angry because they won't listen my mum will not tell the truth and seems incapable of giving a decent apology but I just don't think that will ever happen.

Nothing I say seems to sink in, I feel so unheard and always have. The family were always good at talking to me and then starting up a conversation with someone else while I was mid sentence or just straight up ignoring me. As an adult I took to raising my voice loud enough to be heard (not shouting!) and saying stuff like "I was mid sentence there" or "You've just cut me off halfway through and ignored me". They do it to all the kids too so I do it for them because I see their faces when it happens and it's awful "DN was talking and you've just cut her off" etc. Seems to be a problem with youth in my family - I'm the youngest of my siblings - where they should be seen and not heard? I don't really know, they just seem less interested/respectful when the younger family members try and talk. They get ignored/talked over the way I did and I can see they are hurt by it too.
My sisters have different experiences of this, they were much more vocal than I was, quite brave and could be confrontational - I am more vocal and confrontational now as an adult but as a child/teenager was very quiet and nervous.

My sister and I keep falling out because she keeps defending and explaining for mum when all I want is to be able to talk about it with her and get it off my chest. I feel like what I've experienced isn't accepted as a reality and sister thinks I've got it wrong, picked up the wrong end of the stick, mum didn't mean it the way I took it etc.

Mum has been very ill recently and sister told me 3 days ago that mum had written a letter to me. So I had 3 days of waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I got it it was mostly about how mum felt. She says she doesn't remember why we fell out (apparently her illness affects memory, which is convenient too) so I reminded her and got the "if I said that" reply - If? IF?!

I feel like now she's ill she is using that to try and guilt me into coming back into the fold. She was always the queen of the guilt trip. This is the first time I've heard from her for the better part of the year.

I'm so angry at her. I'm getting progressively more angry at my sister. I feel like I've got no one to talk to about it and I'm pretty ashamed of my rage and how I've reacted to everything.

I feel like no matter what how mum feels is the important thing and I am being expected to just sweep my hurt under the carpet and make nice, forgetting that she sided with my abuser in the process.

I want to be part of our family but at the same time our family is pretty messed up and I think the only way that will happen is if I shut up and let everything go.

I wish my sister was able to talk to me about all this without defending my mums every breath and trying to explain for her. She doesn't understand that this just makes me feel like she's sticking up for mum and denying my reality (I know what my mum lying sounds like and she definitely did say what she said!), it makes me feel even worse than I usually do, which is pretty bloody depressed, and when I ask her to stop because it's upsetting and can she not do that and maybe just listen and understand she just repeats the defence/explanations until I end up telling her I can't talk anymore today because she's not listening, I feel unheard and am getting cross at her.

My other sister (sis2) is NC with mum and has been for years and sis1 is NC with sis2. I love both my sisters but can't really talk about it with sis2 because of her own mum related stuff and now can't talk about it with sis1 because of her FOG - mum and dad were always right and should be respected and their orders followed without question regardless of your own feelings/better knowledge etc.

I feel the original hurt is compounded by the months in between where mum hasn't made any effort to try and fix it. I blocked her after the first few months when the only communication I had from her was texts occasionally asking if I was "feeling any better?" and totally ignoring what had happened between us, like it would go away if no one looked at it.

You are not alone @down a lot of your post resonates with me- just wanted to let you know you are amongst allies. The "feeling any better?" texts really makes me shudder as I have been on the receiving end of those- so crazy making! I am finding the CPTSD book by Pete Walker immensely helpful and if you have not read it already I think it could help you too.
x

Hello @Doowninthedumps Grab an oar - we're all in a similar boat.

2nd December and I have received the flying monkey in a box from my nightmare narc sister. I was so upset even at the sight of her handwriting - like how dare you send me some shit in the post wrapped up in Christmas paper like you're not a complete fucking nightmare who has thrown me under the bus time and time again.

You would have thought she'd get the message. I've been NC for over 2 years. My mind is completely blown.

Do I really have to send it back unopened with the note PLEASE DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. Or is that what she wants? Drama, feed, drama, feed. I'm so angry, and I'm also angry that I have allowed this to make me so angry.

I was doing so well, then a trigger like that and it all comes churning up again. I just want to be left in peace and have nothing to do with any of them.

HI Doowninthedumps :)
It seems pretty clear to me that you should be here!
I'm so angry at her. I'm getting progressively more angry at my sister. I feel like I've got no one to talk to about it and I'm pretty ashamed of my rage and how I've reacted to everything
Dont be ashamed of your anger, your feelings are valid and real, obvs try and manage it so that your anger doesnt harm you.
Your mother and sister sound dangerously poisonous for you, please distance yourself, stop engaging, try to find a way to accept that they will never validate or support you, they need to make you the scapegoat because of their own messed up personal dynamics. They want you so they can dump all the bad stuff that they dont want to own.
Stop letting them do this to you.
Is there anyone neutral in real life that you can talk to?
Talk to us, we understand and we will support you

Do I really have to send it back unopened
maybe have a ceremony and burn (or otherwise destroy) it Sicario?
and then act like you never got it?
Imo, dont send a note, your reaction will 'feed' her.
Dont give them anything at all to work with.