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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

396 replies

Coco26 · 21/09/2020 19:30

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

OP posts:
S00LA · 01/10/2020 18:49

@Asterion

Bloody well done to you!!!! Star Star Star

Thinking ahead, I wonder if it's better for you to not block his number, but to make his calls go to voicemail. I bet his messages will get nasty, and if you record and save them then you can use them as evidence if you need to.

This is an excellent idea.

If you are scared to listen to the messages then ask your sister to do so. Make sure she doesn't delete them by mistake.

prettybird · 01/10/2020 18:55

The reason I'm suggesting changing your "main" number - and not giving him the details Wink - is that otherwise he can call you from a blocked number and you won't know. You can control which of your friends, your bank and other important people/organisations get the new number.

If you leave your current number "live" - but just for him Grin - you can check it whenever you want and/or get friends to check it.

whatthehecksausages · 01/10/2020 19:04

massive well done OP xxx

Agirlcalled · 01/10/2020 19:18

Sending a massive hug. Just a suggestion from experience. Call 101 and let them know you are safe, have fled domestic abuse. He may call them and report you
missing. Means they know what's going on and won't 1. Waste police time and 2. won't engage with him more than they need too. Don't worry they won't disclose anything.
Take care of yourself.

Mix56 · 01/10/2020 19:48

If you left the "leaving letter", he has been told you will contact him in time. let him wait. (If the 101 call mentioned above helps you relax do that.)
I suspect It's your sister that will have to fend him off...
Ignore him, start settling in to your new home.
He can't find you
it's inevitable that your mind will be rehashing all sorts of scenarios.
Remember you are strong, you bent to his bullying & contempt for 20 odd years... He didn't break you !!!!

poppythetroll · 01/10/2020 20:49

I have sat and read the whole thread in one go and I'm not ashamed to admit I have cried my bloody eyes out at your bravery!!

I feel so fortunate that I have never experienced the fear (and everything else that goes with it) of domestic abuse but my job means I am in close contact with victims of domestic abuse almost on a daily basis. Believe me when I say you are so brave... what you have done has taken, in my opinion, the most courage in the world!! You are amazing.

Due to the work I do domestic abuse is very close to my heart - I have been involved at the part of the story where the ending is the one we all dread. I have recently become a voluntary DA SPOC at work due to the passion I have to protect all victims of domestic abuse!! You should be so proud of yourself and your DD too!!

You have done the hard part but the fight isn't over yet. Stay super strong, document EVERY attempt at contact, keep voicemails, write down what he says and ANY threats, harassment or suspicious activity please report it to the police. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're a "time-waster" don't fall for any of the tricks, as pervious posters have said he may try the "suicide" trick, please don't fall for anything remember why you left; if he does harm himself ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

The Police have got so much better recently at dealing with domestic abuse. Don't let anyone fob you off. Don't downplay how scared you are of him.

You sound like you have a good support network which is a huge bonus. Look after yourself and your DD, also let other people look after you!!!

Stay strong, you are amazing!!! Smile

MagentaRocks · 01/10/2020 20:52

Just to say advice to change number/block is not usually recommended. Victims of abuse are able to manage their own risk in that they can tell by messages/calls what the abuser might be thinking. Changing number can often be counter productive. I say this as I work in this area.

Original poster
Coco26 · 01/10/2020 21:02

Thank you all so much. He’s left a voice message but I’m not listening to it. Will get sis to when I’m ready. DD has already blocked him He’s been to my parents. They said he is calm but devastated and doesn’t know what he’s done but he accepts that I won’t be going back

OP posts:
ChelseaCat · 01/10/2020 21:04

Well done OP - only just seen your thread but read the whole thing. You are amazingly strong Flowers

Asterion · 01/10/2020 21:05

He's calm now. But he won't be.

Just before your most recent post, there are a couple of really useful posts from people who work with DV.

Stay strong, you've done so well Flowers

amymel2016 · 01/10/2020 21:26

Well done OP Flowers you sound like an incredible woman

secretnurse · 01/10/2020 21:37

Wow well done OP, good luck in your new, FREE, life!!!

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 01/10/2020 21:46

Yay well done, thrilled for you Flowers

JustMeAndMyTins · 01/10/2020 21:57

So pleased you’re out and on your way to better times.

Moonflower12 · 01/10/2020 22:00

Well done @Coco26!

It's so hard but such a feeling of relief when it's done. Be brave for you and your DD. Xx

JohnandMary · 02/10/2020 01:01

Well done OP. You and your daughter are two very brave women and I wish you all the best.

Sssloou · 02/10/2020 07:57

Hope that you had a wonderful sleep and wake up to a bright new day on this wonderful chapter

Original poster
Coco26 · 02/10/2020 13:25

Feeling shattered today, had no sleep. I’m not feeling any joy yet, just sad and scared. He’s devastated and confused and doesn’t have any idea why we’ve gone. I’m dreading talking to him but feel like I need to. Everyone has been really supportive. he’s not being aggressive, I think he’s falling apart. I feel like I did she I first admitted that I needed to leave to my sister, like I’m falling a paper. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when she has to go home

OP posts:
Starbonnet123 · 02/10/2020 13:43

Sending love and hugs to you both op .
I guess he does feel lost at the moment because it's all been his way for years and this is new to him, he's not in control.
My ex was the same , he told me to leave after 23 years so I ran for the hills , he was so shocked that I would do this as I "was the the love of his life " now after 10 years I'm so happy, it's hard at first but it's so worth it in the end for the peace it brings . Good luck and keep posting for support xxx

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 02/10/2020 13:47

@Coco26

Feeling shattered today, had no sleep. I’m not feeling any joy yet, just sad and scared. He’s devastated and confused and doesn’t have any idea why we’ve gone. I’m dreading talking to him but feel like I need to. Everyone has been really supportive. he’s not being aggressive, I think he’s falling apart. I feel like I did she I first admitted that I needed to leave to my sister, like I’m falling a paper. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when she has to go home
Listen, yours is a normal reaction - read your first post over and remember why you did this. And the fact that you did it not only for you, but for your daughter, who was being adversely affected by his belittling of her. Be angry on her behalf.

I'm not a great advocate for LTB that you see thrown around so often on mumsnet but when I heard your story I felt without a doubt that you should LTB. Don't doubt yourself - you did the right thing - know it in your heart. You need time to recover. You are not responsible for the way he is feeling - he is.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 02/10/2020 13:49

Ok so firstly keep front and centre that he was happy to control you and your DD. He isn't an innocent victim. Not one bit.

I do not think you have to have a conversation. I think you write out a carefully worded email explaining why. Start with saying I owe you an explanation and I know you wouldn't have let me just go. I have been trying to get through to you for x years and you had control so you werent listening. So please understand this is forever as it has gone too far. Then list your reasons. Give an example or two for each.
Close with 'I understand this is a shock. But I have been very unhappy for many years. I have spoken to professionals who tell me that this is abuse. Not just one person - in fact many people have explained how wrong this is. They also advised me I needed to leave without discussing it first. Many women find the time when they are leaving to be exceptionally dangerous and you have had full control over us for a long time so it would not have been safe to talk first in their opinion.

We also need to restrict contact to through a third party for now.'

Don't fall for his poor me act. Please just don't. Without anger lay out EXACTLY why you left - do not talk to him. He will have an answer for everything and will talk you down.

You won't feel great or amazing. You're like a brainwashed cult member deprived of your leader. You will need extra therapy and life is hard on your own. But you can not go back because he will fucking destroy you if you do.

And you will lose your daughter.

pointythings · 02/10/2020 13:50

I mean this in the kindest way possible: You should take the fact that he doesn't know what he has done wrong as absolute validation that you have done the right thing. He believes he has done nothing wrong. This is the man who has been so abusive and controlling to you that you have had to leave and that even planning your departure has caused you stress and terror. And he believes he has done nothing wrong.

Read that again and again, until you believe that you have done the right thing. Meanwhile, his devastation isn't your problem - he has brought it on himself. Stay strong.

I do think you would benefit from some support with processing this, so it might be worth talking to either Women's Aid (not for shelter, but to see if they can point you in the right direction) or to your GP for a referral to talking therapy.

Original poster
Coco26 · 02/10/2020 14:13

Thank you, I need to keep reading the posts from people to stay strong. I don’t wish I hadn’t left and I don’t want to go back. I know that I feel like this because I have spent so many years only doing what I know won’t cause any aggravation, that now I have done this I am in shock. Thank you

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 02/10/2020 14:15

Ah be kind to yourself!
You are used to him controlling every single thing you do either directly or indirectly, and having that control removed from you will naturally leave you a little directionless and uncertain. Just for now.

Is this the danger point? Is this where he will plead for you to return and he will make promises to change, and you may be tempted?

Stay strong. Your light will start to shine again.Star

LadyEloise · 02/10/2020 14:32

@Coco26
You are amazingThanks
You are giving your daughter a better life.
May your life get sooo much better.