Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

[vanillasky75]

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

If you are the one who doesn’t want sex and he does, then I would imagine this is the end of your relationship.

The sex stands out to me, too. Why are you not having sex anymore?

It does not sound like innocent flirting. It could be "just" an ego boost but this would be going way too far for me to be able to let it go.

How do you know about this? Are you checking his phone? Is he keeping his phone closer than usual? How is his behaviour towards you?

I don’t understand - you want to be in the relationship because it’s comfortable financially? Is he ok with no sex? Because if it’s you that has withdrawn from the relationship but want to carry on to be looked after financially that’s very unfair and you should do the decent thing and split. Regardless of his relationship with this woman.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change
possibly one of the most selfish comments I’ve seen lately.
You are staying in a ‘relationship’ where you’re basically flat mates and tbf using him for your own means, what did you expect t would happen?
You’re only worried cos you’ll lose your cushy set up if he leaves.

Your relationship is over. You need to move on. Can you get a job? What work experience / qualifications do you have?

What is going on?

He's having an affair- emotional or otherwise, right under your nose.

You are prioritising financial comfort over a healthy relationship.

Is having a sham of a relationship better than being happy? Is it better than demonstrating a healthy relationship to your child?

He will sleep with this woman. He will leave if it is easier for him.
This makes me sad.

Well this is a bit odd. You seem to not really give a shit if it doesn’t pose a threat to you and are with him for the money?

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change.

Seems to me your only concern about this "relationship" is that his money supports your lifestyle . Stop being a freeloader.

Mate. He’s having an affair. And you’re watching!!

I think you have to start making plans as a single parent now.
But you will be better off, honestly, the relationship does not sound right.

Yes it sounds like a lot more than innocent flirting. Based on your description he seems to be quite emotionally invested in this girl.

You might not want to split up, but it's also not your sole choice. Be prepared for him to end it soon.

Comfortable or not, you need a plan.

You need to get yourself a job because I have a feeling you'll be out on your arse soon. Your free ride is coming to an end.

Start looking for work. He's found someone else.

so you don't want sex or a proper relationship , you don't want to work but you want him to stay , financially support you , live in a sexless loveless relationship?? and expect him not to try and find some happiness? your child is 8 ! you need to get a job and let the poor guy go and get himself a life

I mean, there’s obviously more to this than one post on a forum but fuck me, you’re not coming across well. Sorry, but it looks like your meal ticket might be looking elsewhere. I don’t think it’s remotely reasonable to expect him to stay in a ‘relationship’ with you with, indefinitely , no sex just because you want him to pay your bills. Get a grip, this can’t be what you want either! There’s so much more out there.

Do NOT stay together for the sake of your child. That can be so damaging towards them. Your relationship is clearly over, and it sounds as though you need to separate.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change.

Wow! What a horrible comment! So you've trapped this man because he has money! And now you also want to deny him the possibility of having a real loving relationship as well! How awful.

How comes you no longer have sex? Was this discussed / mutually agreed?

So just because we both no longer sleep together (from both sides) it justifies cheating on me? I'm so confused here!

I have had a lot on this past year and he's confiding in this girl and they are comforting her, and I get none of it.

I don't purely live off of his money, I do have a job too. But our child would suffer and I couldn't afford to stay in our house by myself.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't regularly sleep with their partner anymore??

He's messaged her saying he doesn't want to be a part time dad so I doubt he would leave me, but he has told her he loves her and that she means the world to him.

Doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship and he’s checked why don’t you have sex ? Whose chose was that. How do you know about these messages

Staying together for your child and financial stability sounds pretty miserable for you both You say you aren’t married what is your housing position? Do you work ?

Is he attempting to conceal it? Did you come across messages etc or does he do it right infront of you?

Agree with you that it sounds like they’re more than just friends.

Maybe a platonic co parenting even house sharing arrangement could be the way forward?
It doesn’t come across in your post that you love him, but obviously I can’t know that.

Nobody is saying it justifies cheating. However your relationship is over, you are friends who live together for the sake of financial stability and your child.

@vanillasky75

So just because we both no longer sleep together (from both sides) it justifies cheating on me? I'm so confused here!

I have had a lot on this past year and he's confiding in this girl and they are comforting her, and I get none of it.

I don't purely live off of his money, I do have a job too. But our child would suffer and I couldn't afford to stay in our house by myself.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't regularly sleep with their partner anymore??

He's messaged her saying he doesn't want to be a part time dad so I doubt he would leave me, but he has told her he loves her and that she means the world to him.

What you have isn’t a normal relationship for a couple so to all intents and purposes, you really are friends who live together and have a child together.

I suppose it will also come down to what you will tolerate because he might quite openly be with her whilst coming and going at will because of his child or he might decide to have children with her.

Listen to him. He loves her. She means the world to him. Either he is telling her what she wants to hear and when men do that it’s because they want to have sex with that woman or else he is telling her because he means it and also probably wants to have sex with her.

I can’t see anyway that your relationship will last. He isn’t happy and either this woman is the end of your relationship or else the next one, or one after will be.

I’m confused, are you in an open relationship or just living together as friends to co-parent? Tbh, he deserves better than someone who doesn’t want to have sex and is only with him for his money! Jeez.

Oh my god this is an affair.

How could it not be? Pet names, and tells her he loves her?

What in earth are you doing together apart from raising a child? Which can be done as co parents.