Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

[vanillasky75]

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

You aren't married so getting your financial position sorted seems the right thing to do. What's the situation with your house? Is he a higher earner or is it just more comfortable with both incomes. Would you get maintenance and if so how much. Look into child tax credits etc.

I think this current situation will impact on your child. You will be upset and her dad will be absent. Even if there aren't blazing rows they will pick up things aren't ok.

Lots and lots of children have divorced parents and are perfectly happy. You deserve to be happy. And your partner clearly thinks he deserves to be happy.

At some point he will leave you. So the situation you describe won't carry on forever. He's having a physical and romantic relationship with another woman. They are sharing their deepest thoughts and expressing love. He will leave.

your life sounds utterly miserable and for what?

madness

I think you should you should be making alternative arrangements as this relationship is just ticking down to the end

Life is too short to be in a loveless and sexless marriage

Hi Op - I’ve only read your updates so apologies if I’ve missed stuff from others.

I think it’s really a lot to essentially be living as good friends, and expect him not to seek out a physical relationship eventually- especially as you haven’t really talked about it.

How would you feel about giving him ‘permission’ to have a physical relationship with someone else so long as he stayed with you? I haven’t picked up how Old you are but I would certainly be very sad if my partner never wanted to have sex with me again.

I get that your financial situation would be tougher without him, but this sounds like a lonely relationship for you both.

I'm going to speak to him about this, just need to find the right time.

I found more messages, they aren't sexual this time but very caring .. 'let me know you got home safe' and 'can't stop thinking about you' etc. This is definitely more than a bit of an ego boost.

He does earn significantly more, but I put all that I have into things too, hence the inability to save a ton. I will have a look into what I'm entitled to and put a plan in place.

Been pondering things today and you are right.. long term this isn't right and it's not setting a good example for our child. I wouldn't want her to have dysfunctional relationships when she is older because she's observed things that I didn't think were visible. She is very sensitive so may have already picked up on a vibe, I don't know.

I can't fault his parenting to be honest, he does a lot for her, dotes on her completely and that is probably one of the hardest things to think about should we separate. I guess that's how he feels too based on the comments I read.

Thank you everyone for your input.

What do you want?

Do you want to be in love, have a relationship with him? Sex?

If so, confront him about the messages and give him an ultimatum. Make it clear you care and that you want to try to work things out for your family. And give it a bloody good go. Maximum effort.

I’m not, just let him go. If you don’t want to sleep with/be close to/live him and it’s only about financial security...he’ll end up leaving you eventually anyway, you’ll be unhappy even if he doesn’t and your daughter will grow up knowing you don’t love each other (dc ALWAYS know).

I usually side against the person having an emotional affair but honestly...can’t really blame him. It doesn’t sound like you two have had a proper relationship he can actually ‘cheat’ on.

OP do you not think that if you were in love with him you would be wanting to sleep with him, or at least kissing and physically affectionate a lot, lots of connection between you, physical and otherwise?

It sounds like you are both trying to do the decent thing to stay together and actually I agree it is the best thing for dc (ie my personal opinion) - but if you are no longer in love why not be honest about that, stay together at home but both see other people outside the relationship in an honest and respectful way? Talk about it all so that you both know exactly what the deal is, and so that what your dc sees is a good friend relationship, a commitment, respect, and you can talk to her as she gets older about different kinds of relationship? Obviously she doesn't need to know about you seeing other people at the moment.

You don't need to jump into bed with anyone, but clarifying things with your partner would mean that you bring some honesty back into your relationship and you could freely have a relationship with someone else if and when you met someone or wanted to.

Honestly, if two people are in love they are going to still have a lot of physical closeness right up to the end. You and he both deserve that closeness with someone.

The whole open relationship thing would depend on you both being on the same page about it, though, or it wouldn't work.

@vanillasky75

After reading your latest post I'd like to wish you the best of luck moving forward.Please know that this isn't your fault,he should have waited until he was single before laying down the foundations of a new relationship with someone else.

I've no doubt going it alone is going to be challenging in the first instance but I can imagine that not having to share a home with your partner anymore and establishing your own routine might be a relief plus as much as I'm sure you'll miss your DD when she goes for her access days to her dad you'll actually get some alone time to do the things you'd like to do for you.

And one day you'll hopefully meet a man who will be fully involved in a loving fulfilling relationship with you and who'll make you happy.

Please know that this isn't your fault, he should have waited until he was single before laying down the foundations of a new relationship with someone else I completely agree with this, he is in the wrong in relation to his dishonesty.

OP - I think you are being a bit naive here. Your marriage has moved from being an emotional/sexual partnership to an economic arrangement to support your child.
I don’t know why in this case you have an expectation of physical fidelity, when that side of the relationship is over. And, on that note - why you bother investigating.

All people have emotional and sexual needs. If they aren’t met in their relationships - they tend to seek other ways to meet these needs. This is what he is doing. However - he does seem to prioritise his role as a father above it all - hence that girl is not an immediate threat to your family unit.

It’s perfectly Ok for marriage to be based on supporting the child. Plenty of people live in relationships where intimacy and emotional closeness is gone. And as long as the parents are friendly and there is no ongoing conflict - it can work ok for a while.

So in your place - I’d not bother confronting him at all. All it would do is speed up the inevitable. Your idea that he has to sacrifice that part of his life for the sake of being in the financial unit with you - is unrealistic, and unfair, really. You are roommates who are raising a child. Your relationship, de facto, became an open relationship. The two of you just didn’t seem to acknowledge it.

Instead - I’d plan your future and how and when separation happen. MN would be against it, but in real life lining up your next partner can really help the way you feel and make transition easier. Your bf has someone already. No reason you can’t look around and maybe meet someone. Then you can separate amicably and with little stress.

Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

He's probably in lust with her but staying with you for convenience because you have a child together. Are you the one that doesn't want sex anymore OP? If so, I think you need to cut your losses and learn to co-parent apart

I think the crucial question is why the OP no longer has sex with her partner.
Maybe he hurt her too much in the past and that has not been dealt with.

It sounds like a relationship in its final throes

You are co habiting as brother and sister so of course either one of you or both will meet somebody to fulfill what’s missing it’s human nature

I dont know why your on MN, its obvious he is having an emotional or physical affair, your only with him because it suits you financially. So confront him and take it from there or say nothing so you can continue your life style and accept he is seeking comfort elsewhere

OP I was reading on a different thread today that people are suspicious about open relationships. What i was thinking when I suggested a sort of open relationship was that you are basically already co-parenting and not in a close relationship and if when you think about it you realise you don't have feelings for him, then rather than react on principle, think about whether in fact you would want to meet someone else too and whether it would work if you and your current partner stay under one roof for the sake of your dc but agree to see other people romantically.

To me that sounds better than a dramatic break up and upheaval for your dc, but I am probably more pragmatic than most people!

I certainly wouldn't suggest it if you still had feelings for him though.

The other thing was that if when you talk to him about what you have recently discovered on his phone he denies it or if you say you don't mind him seeing someone else as long as he doesn't mind you seeing someone else and he still denies it/gets angry, then he is probably more controlling and toxic than i had assumed and it might then be a good idea to get some advice about planning to leave/getting your ducks in row.

But these are just ideas. It is dishonest for him to be seeing someone else even if it was because the relationship wasn't working. But take your time to think about what you really want before talking to him, and be careful when talking to him about what you have seen, initially.

MOST couples are economic units to be fair whether they're having sex or not.

@WiserOlder

MOST couples are economic units to be fair whether they're having sex or not.

Well of course, because rhey live together. Housemates, friends, siblings, are also economic units, the bills shared and split, that’s what happens when people co habit, it is nothing to do with being a couple.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change....... wouldn't that make you a cocklodger ?

Well you’re already not having sex and that doesn’t seem to bother you so what do you expect?

I think if you want to salvage your relationship, you need to be having a chat and putting plans in place to spend more time together and talk about having a physical relationship. If you accuse him of cheating and then talk about working on your relationship, he will just think you’re trying to trap him and it will go back to sexless and boring once he’s cut ties with the OW.

Cheaters are also prolific liars. Whose to say he does love OW? Just because he said so in his messages? He probably told OP that he would never cheat on her!
Surely if he did love her, he'd have left OP quite soon after embarking on this dalliance?
Sex doesnt equal love.
I can only assume he doesnt want to leave you OP because he hasn't done so.

Op I highly recommend a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It will help you work out what you want, and whether this relationship is giving you that, and whether there’s any mileage in trying to fix it (if that is what you want). I’d read it before confronting him tbh, because ot will help you work out your angle, ie are you going to go in from the perspective of ‘i am so hurt that this is going on, what has happened to us?’ or are you going to go in from a perspective of ‘i know you and x are more than friends, now what?’ When you confront him, the big question will be where do you go from here, so getting your own wishes clear in your mind will help. Good luck.