Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

[vanillasky75]

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

99% men will cheat eventually if given half a chance anyway

Gosh, poor you. I must assume you’ve never been with someone who hasn’t cheated on you? 💐

Op. Reread your op.

“I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change*

That’s why folks are focusing on the money, there was no, I’m devastated, I love him, how could he do this.

Just a simple cold I don’t want to split up because I’d be less financially comfortable if I didn’t have access to his money.

Your relationship is over, may as well accept that and sort out the details of splitting.

I have clarified that this isn't about me. This is about giving my child the best childhood and not a broken home. I grew up with that experience and it was awful. This might not be a dream situation but both parents together for the short term feels like the right thing to do. I think saving up and then making the leap will be a safer option, hopefully when we are out of this mess with the virus as I can't take the gamble right now.

@vanillasky75

Thanks so much Craddle64 you are so right and I guess that's where I'm coming from. Didn't expect so much hate for trying to be honest and then accused of being fake as well. Really appreciate your reply.

I don’t think your getting hate! I certainly wasn’t meaning to put hate your way but all we are saying is that the relationship Sounds over anyway, what separates men and women from being in a relationship or being friends is having sex and you aren’t, and if your man is emotionally invested in another woman as well as the no sex then it’s pretty obvious that it’s over, but it’s your child keeping you together.

I also think using the excuse of having no time for dates etc is rubbish and esp with one child, I’ve been there (not married but LTP so very similar) and we both worked, did housework, paid bills, had childcare and we still found time for sex, not having time is a cliche!

Sorry if you feel like we are hating but we are just telling you what you don’t want to hear.

No one is giving you ‘hate’, love, you’re just seemingly blind to your housemates life choices. There is no relationship, if there’s also no sex or bog standard relationship stuff, he’s not your boyfriend, just neither one of you are interested enough to bother dumping the other. Is it his property you’re living in? Might be a good idea to find your own accommodation.

I think unfortunately a lot of posters on mn have the same attitude as op but few are as honest. I don’t think the sort of relationship op describes is inevitable or even healthy but it’s not uncommon at all.

Ofc you should do what’s good for you op. But really, can you say that a loveless relationship that you describe is best? I think you can do better.

Did you find all this out by going through his phone/computer?

Are your friends and families enmeshed?

Our relationship revolves around parenting stress, housework, bills and family issues and there is no time/effort left for date night and quality time

This isn’t quite true. He’s made time for this woman. You’re choosing not to make time foe each other.

Why are you ok with him being in love with her but staying only because he doesn’t wish to be a part time dad. And not because he wishes to be with you?

Is it because you don’t wish to be with him like that either?

Your DD isn't better off in this setup. You aren't showing her what normal, loving relationships are like between adults and if he has an affair it will all come out in the wash eventually.

I think I mentioned too in an earlier post that I felt you were getting flack for being honest. I’ve read many posts where it’s clearly about keeping a certain lifestyle - even if it’s a pretty average one— difference is none of these ladies actually said ‘I stay for security of income’ . Not saying it’s right or wrong but you were honest about it

@Doyoumind

Your DD isn't better off in this setup. You aren't showing her what normal, loving relationships are like between adults and if he has an affair it will all come out in the wash eventually.

But he’s already having an affair, when he’s telling her he loves her and can’t leave as he doesn’t want to be a part time dad, he’s already having rhe affair. That’s likely why he doesn’t wish sex with the op.

This is simply the op trying to gauge how much risk her position is in.

I mean that eventually her DD will find out about the affair.

Sounds like he is in love with this woman. I would suggest saving as at some point he may make the decision for you.

99% men will cheat eventually if given half a chance anyway. Better the devil you know.

This is so wrong. So so wrong. There are decent men out there who value loyalty and are loyal themselves.

Not only is this bullshit offensive to decent men, it helps perpetuate a narrative that 'men can't help themselves' which allows the ones who ARE cheating arseholes to blame their penis instead of taking responsibility.

I am not surprised OPs partner's eyes are wandering.

Two options: relationship counselling and try and make this partnership one of love, sex, commitment and effective co-parenting, or split up and don't look back.

It does sound like he’s having a romantic relationship with this woman. I think you just need to have a calm conversation and ask yourselves some questions, such as, is this now a marriage of convenience?, how do you feel about having partners outside of the marriage? is it easier to split? What do you both want going forward?

OP you sound like you would be okay with him having sex with another woman but would you be up for an open relationship? Should parents really have an open one? I often wonder if ppl in open relationships are happier, of course there must be rules in it but I’m sure tons of people do it and are happy!

A relationship without sex is extremely difficult to sustain - and I personally, wouldn’t want to live the rest of my life without having sex.. even for a nice house and financially comfortable existence.

OP you sound like you would be okay with him having sex with another woman but would you be up for an open relationship?

I seriously doubt he and this younger woman would have some detached, in its box, civilised open relationship situation with op if she gave the go ahead. They are clearly involved in a conventional, emotional, sentimental "relationship", even if it's not physical (yet). And this young woman's going to wait around for her own standard, conventional relationship with kids eventually for how long?

Maybe with a different partner, who is up for involvement with someone in an open relationship from the start ... But he's not on that position, he's already involved emotionally with this woman.

I think it has been physical but I don't know how I can prove it. There were texts that seemed to suggest things have happened and a lot of comments reassuring each other about how attractive they are etc.

Some of the messages are bordering on therapy sessions... deep conversations about the meaning of life sometimes, to light hearted chit chat. Also the context seemed to imply this has been going on for quite some time.

Obviously I'm not happy that he's probably been physical with someone else but I do accept that mutually we haven't wanted to jump each other's bones. How would I react if an attractive man paid me interest?

You're living without any integrity
Staying with a man just because he provides financially when you don't have sex anymore

You're living without any integrity
Staying with a man just because he provides financially when you don't have sex anymore

As many other posters have already pointed out, op is hardly unique in that.

Plus she's already had to defend herself against free loader a d gold digger accusations by making it clear she has a job etc, just that she can't cope with the thought of making her DD leave her family home, which she couldn't afford on.hwd own,and have a "broken" family.

Op, could your partner afford to stay on in the current family home, do you think? Then it would still be her home at least some of the time.

He may be relieved if you get a boyfriend.