Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

[vanillasky75]

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

It does not sound good for you at all.You seem to have a man who only has a little piece of his mind and heart for you, the rest is for the other woman. Who is to say that he loves the other woman, he is certainly very attracted to her, and things may develop further later on.

You both have different needs it seems, so sooner or later, things will probably change.

Doesn’t sound like making a go of it to me. If you want to just be friends why not just be friends and let him find love. What a sad life to be stuck and not be able to find that.

we both no longer sleep together (from both sides) it justifies cheating on me
No, it doesn’t justify anything. But similarly, you don’t appear to be in an actual relationship, you seem to want the financial benefits, the co-parenting, the United front for the sake of appearances and expect him to be happily sexless because that suits you.

Have you heard the expression “piss or get off the pot”?
Either let him go, or make it work, but what you have right now is hellish! Neither of you can be happy and that’s not good for your child.

Looking at what you’ve said, I think your relationship is over, you just need to make the break as painless as possible for your child. Then you may have to get a job.

FML. Get some self respect.

It sounds like he needs something more fulfilling than what he is getting out of the relationship. You can split up whilst still putting your child first but it doesn't sound like you both have the basis of a long term relationship together.

You came on here to ask if he has feelings for her then say that he tells her he loves her and thinks the world of her?!.... did you really need Mumsnet to answer your question?

Most people wouldn't stay just for financial reasons. What's important to different people is different, but most women would find that bleak. You're young, you could have a more fulfilling relationship with someone else.

You ask if it's love, then you said that he's already said in one of the msgs that he loves her and she means the world to him. That's not something people say lightly, so you already have your answer.

But to an extent, their relationship isn't relevant. Everyone's different but you could get more from life than this. x

He’s already said he loves her and is staying with you for your child Not for you why would you want to stay in this relationship. Separate Co parent and find someone who loves and wants to be with you

It s an affair but what do you expect him to do, stay in a loveless sexless marriage? It must be lonely for the both of you. I'd separate.

@vanillasky75

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

Maybe try putting more effort into the relationship, make him feel wanted because while he might not leave you he will still love someone else and that will feel shit. If there's nothing between you and him, it's not surprising that he's speaking with someone who is showing interest. Unless he's a saint, men need their egos boosted every so often.

It's cheating but it sounds like you don't have much of a relationship and are just together for your child.

He is getting the relationship side from her because you and him don't have one.
What you appear to have is a friendship and co-parenting relationship.

Realistically those arrangements don't last forever no matter what was agreed to at the start..because people naturally want to seek out what's missing.
It's also not in the childs best interests to grow up in a home where they don't witness a healthy loving relationship. Financially security may seem like a great option, but at what cost to the child emotionally? It can completely warp their view of what relationships are like!

If there's nothing between you and him, it's not surprising that he's speaking with someone who is showing interest. Unless he's a saint, men need their egos boosted every so often.

Women are often the same though if they are the ones who want sex....they can go for a certain amount of time without it and stay in a sexless relationship, years or decades even...but then someone comes along who can boost their ego and make them feel desire!

Reverse...surely?

Yes, from what you've said it sounds like he's in love with her.

He may want to stay with you in order not to be a part-time dad but that's just not another ten years max. (Unless he extends that view to your child's young adulthood as well) so you need to get a financial plan together.

He may change his mind about staying, part-time dad of not, before ten years time ... In which case you needs financial plan.

The other thing is whether this has or will become sexual. It's far from impossible it might. Then you've got the risk of her doing "oops I'm pregnant" because she wants him, and she wants kids of her own sooner or later ... He might leave then, bit even if he doesn't you'll be sharing his money with her and her child.

So all in all - you need to work out how you're going to manage financially. You may not be able to stay in your current house but that's the case for many people unfortunately. A house is a house, not a home. You can make a home elsewhere.

Unless he's a saint, men need their egos boosted every so often

Ffs. Weak men need their egos boosted.

OP - you are getting a rough time here.

If no sex has been decided by both of you, then you both have checked out.

Sounds like you both want what is best for you child - that's a great place to start.

Thing is, eventually one or both of you will be so miserable, so full of unhappiness that one of you will cross a line, and it will be hard for you both to communicate as parents.
Maybe that has already happened.

The reality is that your relationship is over and he is in love with someone else.
Why not salvage any respect you have for each other, and for yourselves, and work out how you can seperate, and still co parent peacefully.
The happy family ship has sailed.

Yeah this might be a reverse.

In which case I'd say

.. you only have his word that they don't sleep together any more.
You don't know what his true feelings are towards his wife.
He's told you he's not going to leave.
You're wasting your time.

Sorry OP but it sounds like the 2 of you are over, it’s not okay to have no sex if one of you is still interested, and I don’t agree with staying together for the sake of a child, resentment will build and it will end up doing more harm than good.

If she makes him happy and you are over then let him go.

Sending hugs

Also surely it’s better that he may leave you for someone he is in love with than someone that’s just a fling? If you love him, yet your not in love with him then don’t you want him to be happy?

You will eventually be happy without him and you will meet someone else in time and your child will adapt.

Ffs op

Sort yourself out.

You’re not actually in a romantic relationship though op. Not any more. Your just friends co parenting. He is not your boyfriend. He is a simply the father of your child and your house mate.

He is having a full relationship with this other woman. No doubt she hopes he will leave you and live with her.

I don't blame you at all for not wanting all the practical and financial hardships that a break up will bring. Sounds like he doesn't either.

But if you are going to stay living together I think you both need to understand the terms on which it is happening - that you have both made a practical choice to stay together, and that other relationships are possible for both of you.

I don’t think the oP will be the first person on here staying with someone for practical reasons- rightly or wrongly — judging by many previous posts I’ve seen- her mistake, and the reason she is getting a hard time , was being honest about it . Thing is OP, there really isn’t anything to work with here, it seems you only want to be with him for security, he only wants to be with you because he doesn’t much fancy being a part time dad— usually in these situations one partner is still very invested and the other not so much so— in this case neither of you are. Hard I know but I would start working out the numbers , part on good terms and let him get on with it

This doesn't sound healthy ( or happy) for any of the parties involved.

he has told her he loves her and that she means the world to him

That seems really, really clear to me.

I think you're the younger woman rather than the wife.

Just in case you're the wife, you're a fool to think that having a child but no sex was sustainable (unless both asexual) People might be parents but they are also humans in their own right who enjoy being complimented and having a physical side that you wouldn't with a friend. There are times when couples don't have sex eg someone is ill or bereaved but that's temporary and there's still loving and thoughtful behaviour going on. If it's purely about the money then you're a gold digger and nobody would blame your h finding happiness elsewhere with his dd 50% of the time

If you're the younger woman check your facts before you assume you know the whole story. Cheaters have a way of distorting or omitting key facts.