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Original poster

Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

148 replies

vanillasky75 · 19/09/2020 13:19

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:08

Or seems like your options are;

Stay, play dumb about his "affair" (it is still an affair because you haven't mutually agreed to an open relationship, sex life or no sex life) and hope he doesn't leave.

Research and lay plans to leave, sooner or later. Keep monitoring him to see if those plans need to be expedited or not.

It's all v unpredictable; their affair could turn sour in time on one hand, on another she could try to forcee his hand by getting pregnant if she has the opportunity etc.

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:12

Or she could try to force his hand by saying she's going to end it and move on.

Of she could genuinely get sick and tired of waiting around and meet someone else, you.just don't know.

But even if it does, he's done it once with one woman and, much as they no doubt like to think they're unique star crossed lovers; he could repeat it with another woman at some point.

Shoxfordian · 19/09/2020 21:20

Why does it make any difference if its a unique situation or not?

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:21

He may be relieved if you get a boyfriend.

Sounds logical - bit when are people logical.

The "I'm not yours but you're mine" frame if mind is quite strong in a lot of people, especially male people. I have a feeling what's sauce for the goose would not be sauce for the gander, if it comes down to it. It's certainly often the case.

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:24

Why does it make any difference if its a unique situation or not?

I feel its inappropriate to criticise someone's integrity over their not uncommon concerns/reservations... in a not uncommon situation. Judgemental and inappropriate.

ShellsAndSunrises · 19/09/2020 21:28

He’s gone. The only thing keeping him with you is that you have a child. He’s interested in her. He’s in love with her. You need to talk to him. He needs to either cut her off and really try with you, or you need to bring things to a a satisfactory resolution.

You can’t keep people where you want them.

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:30

Oh and op's integrity in this situation is currently sitting above her partner's; since she hadn't been schmoozing and likely bonking her junior work colleague.

Shoxfordian · 19/09/2020 21:30

If someone is on here asking for opinions then that's my opinion. Not unreasonable or judgemental to provide it.

Sounds to me like he's cheating and there's no point in dragging out a relationship just because you have children

WellThisWentWell · 19/09/2020 21:33

Shoxfordian

”You're living without any integrity
Staying with a man just because he provides financially when you don't have sex anymore”

You just made marriage sound like prostitution.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2020 21:37

@GilbertMarkham

Oh and op's integrity in this situation is currently sitting above her partner's; since she hadn't been schmoozing and likely bonking her junior work colleague.
Oh I don’t know. It’s which is lower, staying with someone for the money or staying with someone because you don’t wish to be a part time parent.

You think it’s the parent one. For you that’s lower integrity. Many others would disagree with you.

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:43

You just made marriage sound like prostitution.

Yeah I did laugh at that myself. You have no integrity staying with him for money and not having sex .. well.what would staying with him for money and having sex be (when neither of them.apparently want to.gavevsex with each other).

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:46

Oh I don’t know. It’s which is lower, staying with someone for the money or staying with someone because you don’t wish to be a part time parent.

Bit she's not staying with him for money ; as she's clarified. She's staying because she doesn't want to change her dd's main home and break up her family.

Also it's not staying with someone because you don't wa t to be s part-time parent that I'm saying is low integrity. It's doing it while fucking around behind your partner's back that is low integrity.

And while op has been equally honest about not knowing how she's react if propositioned by an attractive man; fact is, to date, ages not the one involved with someone else and covering it up. He is.

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:47

*she's not

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:52

that's my opinion. Not unreasonable or judgemental to provide it.

Saying she had no integrity is judgemental and unreasonable.

Both she and he'd partner have stopped having sex with each other. She has been aware this is not ideal but has been reluctant to end the relationship because she's concerned about the (possible) negative implications for daughter's standard of living, security, stability etc.

She hadn't struck up a relationship with someone else (and covered it up) , while her partner has (including physical cheating most likely).

She's not the one with no integrity.

GilbertMarkham · 19/09/2020 21:53

*has

Autocorrect!

Sunflower1970 · 19/09/2020 21:59

You sound very matter of fact and come across that this relationship is purely a financial arrangement. It’s obvious your partner is looking for a love match. I’d put some plans in place sharpish for when he finds the emotional and physical love he is craving

CrazyToast · 19/09/2020 22:00

But you already know it isnt just flirting. They said they love each other, she fills his days and they probably are having sex. He is in a romantic relationship with her, not with you.

You still get along as friends and have a kid. There are many types of parenting teams and this could be fine. Just be honest with yourselves about what you are to each other-both of you.

If you are not, eventually he will leave for this other woman or some other woman and you will be left. Better to plan now I think.

katieg03 · 19/09/2020 22:02

You don't actually have to prove it. You've seen plenty evidence with your own eyes? All couples deal with households, bills, school, activities and work but you have to invest time in each other and your relationship. He's already looked elsewhere for company so he has plenty time to do that. I'm sorry it just sounds like he's checked out already. You can be a single parent, thousands and thousands of people manage. You can't trust him and your gut knows he's already having an emotional affair. Have some self respect and find someone who treats you better

happythankyoumoreplease · 19/09/2020 22:04

Better start shagging your cashcow before you lose your lifestyle then OP! FFS

RantyAnty · 19/09/2020 22:09

How much time does your bf spend with DS?

Alongcameacat · 19/09/2020 22:19

I’m certainly not going to judge you Op.

You have two decisions.

  1. Stay and turn a blind eye to it and hope he will do the same.
  2. Start saving money and be ready if he decides to break your living arrangement.

Is the other woman even single? It could be a mutual fling/ego boost.

It might never progress to the next level.
I knew somebody who had an EA and was in a very similar position to your DH. He didn’t want to be a part time Dad either. Regardless of how he felt about the woman he (thought) he was in love with, he would never have walked away from the mother of his child. He was terrified he would lose his child.

yescheese · 19/09/2020 22:25

OP, I've not RTFT just your posts but if you're on good terms and want the best for your child but are both disinterested in an intimate relationship together, why not have that difficult conversation and formalise this? co parenting doesn't have to be a broken home. You can still be on good terms, even friends. You know what's going on here, even if this relationship hasn't become physical, it will for one of you. this won't end well. That is not a better situation for your child than two amicable parents, even if in more modest homes. It might be hard but is this what you want for the foreseeable, being in a limbo, not a full relationship but neither free to pursue that with others? I think you will feel a lot more dignified this way too.

SoulofanAggron · 19/09/2020 22:32

Also he has her saved under different names that keep changing.

There were texts that seemed to suggest things have happened and a lot of comments reassuring each other about how attractive they are etc.

Oh dear OP, none of that's good. Sad

If he agrees to stop speaking to her and that he doesn't love her then we can figure out where we go from here

But he loves her. So you're asking/hoping for him to lie to you. Sad

My parents eventually separated when I was 18 BTW. I wish it'd happened many years earlier.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/09/2020 22:42

This might not be a dream situation but both parents together for the short term feels like the right thing to do

?????

The relationship is disfunctional; so much so that you have two completely different lives running alongside each other, with not a shred of authenticity between you.

So your child would suffer and be irreparably damaged because you have to live in a smaller house and can only go on holiday for one week a year instead of two?

Come on now....

Your relationship is dead in the water. There was no effort to fix anything before this other person caught his eye, you just don't want the lifestyle you've been accustomed to coming to an end.

popsydoodle4444 · 19/09/2020 22:45

@vanillasky75

Realistically:what are you hoping for?

Have you had a open and honest discussion with your partner about defining your relationship in its current form?

Your housemates co parenting a child and don't have a relationship other than that.If sounds as though rather than trying to fix things between you he's moved on mentally and emotionally with another woman.He's admitted he loves her.If it's not already become physical it sounds like it's about too.

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