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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he in love with her or is it just flirting?

148 replies

vanillasky75 · 19/09/2020 13:19

I have a boyfriend and we have an 8 year old child together. Not married and no longer have sex but want to make the best of things and have a good family unit for your child. Still together in a relationship.

My boyfriend is talking to a girl ten years younger, constantly. Insists they are just friends but you can see for yourself he is a lot more invested than that - how do I tell if he's in love with someone else or it's just flirting with no real deep feelings?

There are texts first thing in morning and before bed every night. Lots of pet names and joking. Kisses on every message and lots of I miss you messages.

Conversation is constant all day every day from supporting each other emotionally throughout lockdown and work trouble, arguments and making up, playful talk asking what they had for dinner and sharing memes.

To me I feel like this is the type of thing you share in a relationship when you're in love with the other person. Innocent flirting is more forgivable - but how can I tell how he feels about this girl before I bring it up? She's young, slim, attractive and looks the polar opposite to me.

I don't want us to split up as he provides financially for us and my life would be less comfortable if this were to change. I think I could forgive meaningless fun, but full feelings and being in love is another level.

What would you think was going on?

OP posts:

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 15:12

It’s sad when a relationship ends if you have both behaved so to speak, but you’ll be okay OP, you will adjust to the changes in time, I think you should have a chat with him and end it end it, rather than just living a lie.

It is for the best really, and you will still be able to be on good terms and co parent which is the end goal really.

Alfiemoon1 · 19/09/2020 15:34

Is this a reverse are you the younger ow ?

Original poster

vanillasky75 · 19/09/2020 15:35

I'm not sure why some people think I am making this up - I have found out his phone password but he doesn't know that I know this. I check messages when I can but he often deletes things. Their conversations show they have been close for quite some time. He doesn't do it openly in front of me but there are plenty of signs.. last holiday we went on he was on the phone for half an hour to someone outside and quite cagey about it afterward.

As for the no sex, it's never something we explicitly discussed, just sort of fell into, I don't have that wanting to rip his clothes off feeling anymore and he's disinterested in me. If we go out to have fun, it's usually done separately, and he often comes in at silly o clock after nights out, I rarely go out late or drink. Obviously since lockdown it has changed a bit.

I know we need to talk about it but we don't really communicate things without it exploding into an argument. I don't sponge money off of him at all, not for myself anyway, it's towards our house and towards our child. I couldn't care less about having less money and a less comfortable lifestyle for myself but I don't want my child to suffer. I'm not sure why this entire thread seems to be focusing around that.

OP posts:

SplunkPostGres · 19/09/2020 15:36

Why is OP a gold digger for worrying about the financial considerations of being a lone parent? Most people plan to have children in a committed relationship, as it makes it more financially viable than having a child with the first person that comes along.

If they split, she’ll have to provide for everything on the one income. It’s disingenuous to think this isn’t a factor when considering whether to leave a relationship.

I’m a lone parent and I earn an okay salary. I still have to watch people in dual income relationships with a much better standard of living, simply because there are two salaries each month. It’s bloody hard living on one income.

Ginger1982 · 19/09/2020 15:43

Your relationship as a whole is odd. Separate.

Thewookiemustgo · 19/09/2020 15:46

Have to admit I also thought that this was the younger OW asking if he really means what he says.
OP, if you are who you say you are, it appears totally obvious that he is having some sort of inappropriate relationship with this woman. If so, you need to ask him and decide what you are going to do. It sounds miserable and you all deserve more. If you are actually the OW, however, I would check your facts with him before believing this man, as cheaters are quite happy to tell their affair partner whatever they think they want to hear in order to keep the novelty of affair sex coming. Their relationship may be way better than he’s telling you. Don’t forget that if you are having an affair with a man already in a relationship, you are sleeping with a liar and a cheat capable of deceiving his partner and family. He might be deceiving you too. Who wants to continue a relationship with a man who might perfectly happy at home, thanks, but wants his ego boosted by a bit on the side? Hence his existing relationship being painted in as bad a light as possible to you. In any case, end this relationship and tell him you will continue to see him when he’s done the decent thing and he’s single. Affairs hurt a lot of innocent people. Don’t be a woman who does that. The fall out is horrendous.

123newyear · 19/09/2020 15:46

OP it sounds like your relationship has completely broken down and you're at an impasse because you can no longer talk. I can only imagine that's because you've both built walls and can't meet in the middle on anything anymore. He's now seeking intimacy elsewhere and seems to have feelings for someone else.

Imo, once you're at the point of finding out passwords and checking phone messages, your relationship is pretty dead anyway as the trust is gone.

You need to have a think about where you want to go from here.

SBTLove · 19/09/2020 15:49

Your update just further adds to the opinion that it’s no longer a relationship, you’re just parents who live in the same house, with separate lives, how long did you think this would continue?

VimFuego101 · 19/09/2020 15:52

I think you need to accept the fact that the relationship is over. It must be pretty soul destroying to be in a relationship where your partner no longer wants to be intimate with you. At least it seems like you have a good foundation to co-parent amicably.

anorangeaday · 19/09/2020 15:53

I think your relationships over

Original poster

vanillasky75 · 19/09/2020 15:55

I guess I just don't know how we can try and get back to what we were. Our relationship revolves around parenting stress, housework, bills and family issues and there is no time/effort left for date night and quality time.

If it's just innocent flirting then I at least feel like we have something we could try and salvage but if he's fallen for someone else I need to really think about my options. He has notifications turned off on his phone and they have both made their Instagram accounts private. I have asked about her before but he insists she's just a female friend.

OP posts:

Nymeriastark1 · 19/09/2020 15:57

It's pretty clear he's having an affair or at the very best wants to. You seem oddly calm about it, like you've already accepted it. You asked us do you think he loves her or is it just flirting? And then dropped an update telling us he's told her he loves her and she means the world to him. To find messages like that and not confront him and just carry on as normal is a bit odd.

Flittingaboutagain · 19/09/2020 15:58

He is getting ready to move on. Not in the best way at all, but it sounds like it is for the best for all of you.

SueEllenMishke · 19/09/2020 16:01

Our relationship revolves around parenting stress, housework, bills and family issues and there is no time/effort left for date night and quality time.

You can always make time..... you just need to want to.
If I found out my dh was doing what yours is I'd be devastated. The fact you aren't suggests the relationship is over.
What are you teaching your child about what a healthy relationship should look like?

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 16:04

@vanillasky75

There is no sex though so surely this means it’s over? Is it you that is okay to have not sex again, or he? I suspect it’s not him as it’s not often men that are no longer interested in sex, surely you must know that he isn’t going to be okay with zero sex again, and if he stays with you then this is what he has to expect and that’s not fair.

Marriages that are working have all that you mention regarding house work, child care, paying bills and sex!

Original poster

vanillasky75 · 19/09/2020 16:06

I have confronted him over Instagram interactions and got shot down. I know something is going on, I wouldn't say I'm calm about it as we have had rows but he doesn't know I've been digging through is phone yet.

I am planning to confront him about this but wanted to try and make sense of the situation first. He will likely be really pissed that I've been going through his phone and disrespecting his privacy. Also he has her saved under different names that keep changing.

If he agrees to stop speaking to her and that he doesn't love her then we can figure out where we go from here. But if he's in love with someone else then I'm not sure there's any point to the confrontation. My doing that will push him further away and he will go running to her moaning about me again....

OP posts:

OldWomanSaysThis · 19/09/2020 16:12

Sounds like your roommate has a girlfriend.
He makes time for her.
Your child is seeing a very strange example of what a normal relationship looks like.
I saw the same. Daddy likes his Girlfriend more than his Wife.
I've never ever wanted to be The Wife.

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 16:13

OP isn’t it quite clear that it’s over? It is to most of us...I don’t understand why you don’t think so...x

Craddle64 · 19/09/2020 16:16

Yes he has bits on the side. I get staying for the money. If you do that you must act like you do not know anything about it, you cant let him know or confront him more about any women while staying with him. He will lose respect for you and he will go to her. You will end up suffering twice.
You need to turn a blind eye, save as much as possible so you have something and meanwhile act like a lovely mum and partner as if all is fine.he will tire of his side piece and come back. When you are ready to leave on your own terms leave.. you could be heartbroken and poor or heartbroken and comfortable. No brainer to me. Just make sure you put as much as you can of that money aside.

JulesM73 · 19/09/2020 16:17

Bizarre set up and one which you were happy with as it provided you with a certain lifestyle. Sorry but lifestyle isn’t an excuse to stay in the relationship and I think gives a screwed perspective to your child in what is normal.

It’s over you, you need to move on and let him move on too.

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2020 16:21

@vanillasky75

Do you both work ?

Craddle64 · 19/09/2020 16:22

mners make me laugh as if its easy or common to have a perfect healthy example of relationships to model to your children or as if being single is always always better... nobody is saying stay if he beats you black and blue but no sex? Who cares and why would the children know? Texts too much? Mum acts calm and ignores it, children non the wiser. It's easy to be idealistic with your choices and advice when its someone elses life or when you have a family and deep pockets to support you. Not all of us have that. Op do whats good for you. 99% men will cheat eventually if given half a chance anyway. Better the devil you know.

Original poster

vanillasky75 · 19/09/2020 16:25

Thanks so much Craddle64 you are so right and I guess that's where I'm coming from. Didn't expect so much hate for trying to be honest and then accused of being fake as well. Really appreciate your reply.

OP posts:

SueEllenMishke · 19/09/2020 16:29

99% men will cheat eventually if given half a chance anyway. Better the devil you know.

I'm very, very sad for you if you actually believe this.

Doyoumind · 19/09/2020 16:33

Bloody hell. What a joyless way to live - sharing a house and the stresses of life and nothing more. It sounds like you went off sex and he just went off sex with you. You would both be better off living a more fulfilling life. Your child will be fine if you separate as long as you do it properly. Don't chicken out and wait for him to leave you for the OW.

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