Boyfriends prior violence

[ProficientlyBasic]

How should I feel about this.

In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people.

1. Neighbour was making nasty comments about his mum a couple of weeks after she’d died. He said he laid he out flat, not punched just pushed him down and pinned him to the floor. He sold it to me as if he’d done the right thing, neighbours who’d overheard we’re congratulating him for putting this neighbour in his place etc.

1. His brothers ex girlfriend came round to collect her stuff with 2 friends, they said a few things to his brother so he went out and threatened them to stay away.

1. Telling someone he works with to fuck off who was spreading false rumours about him.

As the pattern has built up I don’t know if I should feel wary about this? There’s always been a ‘good’ reason for his reaction, especially the first one where I can understand emotions were running high. But I’ve never had any of that type of conflict with anyone. I can’t imagine telling a work colleague to fuck off and would rather walk away but I know I have trouble sticking up for myself so don’t know if that’s affecting the way I’m seeing things. Would this be acceptable to others?

You only have his version of events. He’s justifying violence and I’d steer well clear of him. He blames a victim for their own assault.

It'd make me do a runner.

If you feel uncomfortable stay clear of him.

He’s justifying what he’s done and probably minimising it too. These are massive red flags. Run now.

I do feel uncomfortable about it. But I’m confused too, he’s always been nice and kind to me. He tells me he’s done it to stick up for his family because he doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to them. Which is a nice sentiment and I can see why he’s done it, I just don’t like the way he’s reacted and think there’s non violent ways they could have been sorted out too.

No huge red flags to me. What happens when you argue? He'll tell you to fuck off/ threaten you/punch you? No way. My husband has never even told me to fuck off. I hate any kind of aggression including verbal.

I'd at least be checking Sara's law to see if he has any previous DV that has brought him to the attention of the police.
But if that's clear, you might want to consider how he'd treat someone who pisses HIM off, not just his relative.

Is he friends with his ex's? Or are they 'mental/psycho?

How would he handle you wanting to get out of the relationship should you get into it?

1 and 2 he was the person who turned a verbal incident violent. What did he hope to achieve by telling you? Do you still feel safe and like you can trust him?

I would end it. It's already made you feel wary of him and I imagine at one point his violent temper will be turned on you. Most people don't recount violent incidents to 'impress' a date, and most people aren't violent.

I wouldn’t pursue the relationship. One day you’ll be the one who annoys him, you’ll argue etc (all normal) and he’s already letting you know what’s going to happen.
What Leslielep said too....

I've been through similar actually. Last ex seemed quite proud of certain events where he had 'asserted' himself. Then he was forceful with me and I voted with my feet. I tried to tell him by phone afterwards and he tried to deny it so I just never saw him again. Took months for it to fizzle out (him stopping texting me).

You don't want to assimilate it and accept it as normal.

There are so many good men out there who don't try to normalise violence. One day this one will be saying "well I did warn you what I'm like".

Chuck this one back I reckon.

I think that’s it, it makes me uncomfortable because he seems proud of it. I couldn’t quite work out what it was but the penny has dropped reading that. It’s like look how I’ve sorted things out and protected everyone and I should admire him for it.

I have brought up something I wasn’t happy with once and he replied to me let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us. I wasn’t being nasty at all, just wanted him to explain why about something and he wouldn’t tell me. You’re all right I need to get myself away from him. I don’t think he’ll mind me leaving, I think he’ll put himself as the victim and tell himself I’m wrong.

Theres not a good reason for his reactions though is there? Those above are not good reasons. He wasnt in danger.

What about current girlfriend disappointed him in some way by refusing to act as he wanted? I bet he would see that as a good reason too.

He is violent. Would you want a family with a violent man? And if you would you really need to look at yourself and work out why.

I bet he has told you so you can never be upset about his aggression and violence towards you and others now you are together, because after all he was open and honest from the start, right? Why are you trying to change him now?

No good can come from this relationship.

I have brought up something I wasn’t happy with once and he replied to me let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us. I wasn’t being nasty at all, just wanted him to explain why about something and he wouldn’t tell me. You’re all right I need to get myself away from him. I don’t think he’ll mind me leaving, I think he’ll put himself as the victim and tell himself I’m wrong.

Read that back. He is a violent and controlling man. He has told you that you shouldnt question him or it will get bad for you. He will get violent.

Leave him now.

There are numerous men out there who wont behave in this way. What is the point in staying with him.

He asked me early on how I felt about arguing in a relationship. Which I thought was a strange question. I said if something needs sorting out with an argument then that’s fine, better than to leave it stewing and everyone argues sometimes.

He said he was really happy with that answer because previous girlfriends have told him they won’t argue with him. It made him smile that I’d said arguments would probably happen at some point. I didn’t understand why he’d asked me that because to me arguments either come up or don’t and you both just work it out. He was probably telling me what I can expect from him further down the line.

Massive red flags.

And then they get all affronted if you have the audacity to leave them and not admire their ways. This is only my experience but I'd get out sharpish if I was you.

@ProficientlyBasic

He asked me early on how I felt about arguing in a relationship. Which I thought was a strange question. I said if something needs sorting out with an argument then that’s fine, better than to leave it stewing and everyone argues sometimes.

He said he was really happy with that answer because previous girlfriends have told him they won’t argue with him. It made him smile that I’d said arguments would probably happen at some point. I didn’t understand why he’d asked me that because to me arguments either come up or don’t and you both just work it out. He was probably telling me what I can expect from him further down the line.

What an odd thing to ask?!

“let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us“ blimey! What does that mean! I’d honestly run for the hills. He sounds like he has anger issues, he’s warning you not to annoy him and that things will turn nasty/violent if you do!
You can do better, you know you can. God help the woman he picks up with next.

Your next update even more red flags. I would end it by text or call, not in the house together. Hope he hasn't got a key or stuff at yours?
These type of men are often very hard to get rid of unfortunately.

No he hasn’t got a key, it’s really quite early in the relationship thankfully.

I was really taken aback by the it might turn nasty comment. I had no intention of being nasty and what I asked he could have just easily explained to me if he’d wanted to but he wouldn’t tell me.

I’ll send a text later on and tell him it’s over.

Actually this thread really rang bells with me. Memories of being expected to be proud of whatever he was going on about about some altercation.

Ok so can be quite easy to sort out, be prepared you might get hassled for leaving him though. How DARE you, how DARE you!

He sounds psycho.

His brother most likely is too since his ex brought 2 men with her just to retrieve her things and your bf started crap with them.

@RantyAnty

He sounds psycho.

His brother most likely is too since his ex brought 2 men with her just to retrieve her things and your bf started crap with them.

Good point