Boyfriends prior violence

[ProficientlyBasic]

How should I feel about this.

In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people.

1. Neighbour was making nasty comments about his mum a couple of weeks after she’d died. He said he laid he out flat, not punched just pushed him down and pinned him to the floor. He sold it to me as if he’d done the right thing, neighbours who’d overheard we’re congratulating him for putting this neighbour in his place etc.

1. His brothers ex girlfriend came round to collect her stuff with 2 friends, they said a few things to his brother so he went out and threatened them to stay away.

1. Telling someone he works with to fuck off who was spreading false rumours about him.

As the pattern has built up I don’t know if I should feel wary about this? There’s always been a ‘good’ reason for his reaction, especially the first one where I can understand emotions were running high. But I’ve never had any of that type of conflict with anyone. I can’t imagine telling a work colleague to fuck off and would rather walk away but I know I have trouble sticking up for myself so don’t know if that’s affecting the way I’m seeing things. Would this be acceptable to others?

He sounds like a chav or wannabe hard guy.

I have brought up something I wasn’t happy with once and he replied to me let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us.

TThis is virtually a threat- he was saying that if you continued to ask him about whatever you wanted to know about, things are going to 'turn nasty.' This 'turning nasty' could happen in any argument.

He might seem nice in company- that's what abusers are usually like.

Block him on everything so you don't have to hear anything from him again or risk being reeled back in.

Nope, not the sort of guy you will have a safe and happy life with. It's as simple as that.

I cant actually quite see what you like about him; how did you meet?

Is there a huge physical attraction? Or are you feeling a bit lonely?

This thread is all about him.

He can't communicate in the ways you want him to, so short answer is no. You won't change him. Honestly please think about yourself.

He tells me he’s done it to stick up for his family because he doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to them

The Phil Mitchell excuse. He always got the ladies too.

@Frownette we met on a dating app. I probably am a bit lonely. He asked me a lot about myself and seemed genuinely interested. I’ve usually been with people who ended up not being that interested in me so I got a bit swept away by it.

@ProficientlyBasic that's completely understandable. But it looks like it's the wrong sort of attention and you need to place your feet on the floor, come back down to earth and think about yourself first and foremost.

@RantyAnty

He sounds psycho.

His brother most likely is too since his ex brought 2 men with her just to retrieve her things and your bf started crap with them.

And I would suspect the late mum might have had issues too. She brought the brothers up after all.

Neighbour making nasty comments? Or just saying truthful stuff about mum that he didn't want to hear?

When someone tells you who they are, listen. Run for the hills OP

Run if you value your safety and sanity.

Yeah, definitely end it. He'll eventually think of a reason to attack you because you 'deserved' it.

Happened to me so I'm sort of biased and feel like your mother

But don't let anyone affect your thinking or your sense of values. You already know what he's saying is not tolerable to you. No matter how much of a teddy bear he's been to you so far. You'll find other ways of recovering from loneliness and a brighter future ahead.

Short, sharp swift exit.

Glad you are ending it op because those are massive red flags. By telling you about the violence he is actually saying 'this is what I do to people who anger me'. Also notice, all these people (supposedly) offended his ego by bad mouthing him and his family -which in itself is friggin unlikely/weird. Sounds more like he is delusional and creating reasons why these people need to be attacked and secondly, its worrying that he uses violence for a perceived slight.

This is a classic example of an abuser telling you exactly who they are, early on. As for his exs cheating...wouldnt be surprised if HE was actually the cheat and he is reversing it onto them.

Whilst nothing you have described particularly screams "run away" to me, I think the important thing is that is has you worried. Trust your gut.

I’m casually dating someone who has a patchy history with this, he’s had public order convictions for violence and it’s making me a little wary of taking it further BUT while he gives the reasons, he hasn’t defended it. He doesn’t seem to think he was right, it was drunken childish behaviour and he seems to want to leave that bit of past behind him.

And there is a difference, I believe you shouldn’t be written off for your past, but your guy doesn’t seem to see the wrong in what he did? And the argument question was just wrong... I’d be leaving it there if I were you and I’m as open minded as they get.

'Its because he wont be able to control himself isn't it?' No, it's because he wants you to think that. It's a threat. Abusers INTEND to abuse. They want you to think they have just 'lost control' but actually that is just part of the plan to get you to behave. To get you to never question them or their actions.

Lundy bankroft that wrote the 'why does he do that?' book that is often suggested on here,studied these offenders for years and found that they were very much in control of their actions and chose to have violent outbursts or threats of it at opportune moments in order to control their partner.

And heads up - They also often don't like to resolve disagreements. Because they like you to feel confused, unsure and on edge and to be constantly wondering about their feelings. 'He says he likes to resolve things'...umm odd thing to say, I mean doesn't everyone like to resolve things? Might be another example of - real nice guys don't go around telling everyone they are 'nice guys' (not so nice ones might).

@Frownette thank you, I was let it affect the way I was thinking but I’m seeing things more clearly now.

@Settleandcalm yes he seems to think it was ok and justified. He wasn’t drunk on any occasions even if that would make it better. One was when he was at work, one when he’d just finished work and had driven home so I know for sure there wasn’t drink involved.

I think the thing that’s cemented it for me is the leave it it’ll get nasty comment. Because there was no need for it to, we could have just sorted it out pretty quickly if he’d have just answered my question. I don’t if it’s the same attack on his ego, that I’d said something he’d done ‘wrong’ that he didn’t agree with. But it wasn’t a good reaction.

@Bunnymumy what you say makes sense, it did leave me really confused and on edge because I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just answer the question I’d asked him. It would have helped with how I was feeling and would have made everything better but he just left me feeling confused instead.

He would always tell me how nice he was too. If I ever said to him thanks that’s sweet if he’d done something for me, the reply would always be that’s because I’m a nice guy.

You’ve had great advice here Op and I’m so glad to hear that you are listening to it.

This is MN at its best 🙂 women helping each other.

Definately trust your gut op.

This is probably one of the more worrying red flag posts I've seen in a while. Think about it - talking about violence towards a woman to someone you're newly dating. Quite chilling when you lay it out bare for what it is.

From my own exp one of the worst of these sorts I've met told me early on about how one of her neighbours was terrified of her because of an argument (and would cross to the other side of the road when she saw her). She then made it clear she enjoyed the idea of physically hurting this woman and that this woman was terrified of her. Wish I'd saw the red flag right then! The relish and enjoyment she took from the idea of scaring or harming another person. Not normal.

And in your case, the guy has actually taken that next step. Pretty scary.

Agree with pp that said make the break up 'your issue'. Eg: 'I've decided I'm not looking to date right now, all the best!'. And dont be drawn into a discussion about it. If you cant do it by text or phone, do it in a public place.

Oh dear a 'nice guy' ding ding ding! We have a 'calls himself a nice guy' alert. Lol.

Seriously op, run like the wind!

He sounds like a bloody caveman.

Glad that you’re going to end things. He didn’t want to have that conversation because you had started it. You were controlling the conversation and I bet it probably wouldn’t have mattered the exact content of the conversation, it was just that you had asked something of him that he wasn’t prepared to do. A normal reaction would have been to listen to what you were saying and then respond. He shut you down before you could even get to that stage. It would have been easy for him to answer your question to make you feel better but he chose not to. Did he discuss anything at all or was a straight shutdown?

Echoing what others have said re the brother incident, how many threads involving abusive partners have you seen where the advice is “take a friend (or two) with you to collect your things. Do NOT go alone”? Given everything that you’ve written, I’d say the family has this attitude and you will not be able to change that. It’s his character and if he sees nothing wrong with it he will not change. He’s still on best behaviour at the start of the relationship. Do you want to know what things will be like when it gets worse?

Good luck and remember that you deserve a relationship that makes you feel happy and safe

Well done on deciding to finish it OP. Bragging about being a 'hard lad' is no something I would want in a partner. He's warning you to never upset him.

Well done for coming to that conclusion.

I personally find that sort of behaviour / attitude really unattractive. I don't understand why some men show off about a fight they once got into. Complete turn off for me.

He's taking up too much head time and worrying, just leave and don't give it a backwards glance.

Focus on yourself (autocorrect liked Gocud! Heavens knows what it comes out with.sometimes).

Hope today goes well.