Boyfriends prior violence

[ProficientlyBasic]

How should I feel about this.

In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people.

1. Neighbour was making nasty comments about his mum a couple of weeks after she’d died. He said he laid he out flat, not punched just pushed him down and pinned him to the floor. He sold it to me as if he’d done the right thing, neighbours who’d overheard we’re congratulating him for putting this neighbour in his place etc.

1. His brothers ex girlfriend came round to collect her stuff with 2 friends, they said a few things to his brother so he went out and threatened them to stay away.

1. Telling someone he works with to fuck off who was spreading false rumours about him.

As the pattern has built up I don’t know if I should feel wary about this? There’s always been a ‘good’ reason for his reaction, especially the first one where I can understand emotions were running high. But I’ve never had any of that type of conflict with anyone. I can’t imagine telling a work colleague to fuck off and would rather walk away but I know I have trouble sticking up for myself so don’t know if that’s affecting the way I’m seeing things. Would this be acceptable to others?

@Lolapusht no he wouldn’t discuss it with me at all. I was nearly begging him to just tell me why he wouldn’t tell me. I was saying to him please will you just tell me because I feel like an idiot not knowing why. That’s when it said stop or it’ll turn nasty.

So he’d rather leave me upset and confused than answer a simple question for me.

Thanks everyone for all the advice, it’s help me get things much clearer in my head. I’m going to text him now and not let it take up anymore headspace.

He would always tell me how nice he was too. If I ever said to him thanks that’s sweet if he’d done something for me, the reply would always be that’s because I’m a nice guy.

In both men and cafés, if they are boastful about achieving normal basics then avoid.

"I'm a nice guy" - definitely not nice. Is unpleasant, will be nice only when you don't deserve the opposite. Saying no is deserving not-nice usually. Avoid unless desperate.

"Tasty chicken" - the chicken served here mostly meets essential food hygiene standards, it is sometimes tasty. Avoid unless desperate.

Oh my god, get out. Imagine if you had a daughter who wold you this.

Good luck!

Just for comparison, if necessary, I had to call time on a dating thing recently. He had been both nice and keen (makes a change xD) but I just wasnt feeling it. He replied 'I respect your decision'. Just that. Decent fellow.

He didn't throw a hissy, he didnt try and convince me I was wrong and he didnt try and change my mind.

Also...you could text dump then just block straight after if you worry he might do any of the above :)

Well done OP.

Your gut spoke to you and you have listened.

He's a nasty piece of work and is comfortable assaulting people.

Glad to read you are ending it.

Nope, violence is never OK. Neither are threats. He clearly has a temper and reacts strongly to offence.

No way am I getting smacked by a hot headed man.

Also if he acts like that to his brothers ex imagine being HIS ex.

Telling someone to fuck off is violent now??

@SBTLove, no but 'laying someone out flat' is.

Also, think it was somei e in the workplace he told someone fuck off? He sounds like a HR nightmare waiting to happen. I'm betting if op continued dating him, he'd lose his job
(Which of course wouldnt be his fault) and become a cocklodger quicker than she could blink.

*someone in the workplace he told to fuck off

Now is the time to bin him off politely and find things healthier for you.

Strut away. You won't ever change how he is.

@SBTLove no not on his own. But just as an example of aggressive behaviour and it being in the workplace where there should be some professional boundaries in place? I thought it maybe showed a lack of control along with the other examples.

I’ve sent the text. He won’t see it until he finishes work later.

well done

I think that’s it, it makes me uncomfortable because he seems proud of it
He said he was really happy with that answer

Massive red flags. I'm 97.9% sure this person would get violent with you if given an 'opening' i.e during an argument.

Run.

I thought it maybe showed a lack of control along with the other examples

Spot on OP...

I think you've made the right choice.

Well done on making the right decision to end it before things get inevitably abusive. He’s told you who he is and you’ve listened.

I've never been put into 3 separate situations by strangers pretty much that would make me need to be and be justified in being violent toward them.

This would be a red flag for me.

Enough red flags for me - I wouldn't being taking things any further. I cannot stand violence of any kind.

@ProficientlyBasic

I do feel uncomfortable about it. But I’m confused too, he’s always been nice and kind to me. He tells me he’s done it to stick up for his family because he doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to them. Which is a nice sentiment and I can see why he’s done it, I just don’t like the way he’s reacted and think there’s non violent ways they could have been sorted out too.

Why would you want anything to do with people who behave like that?

Raise your bar - lots.

@ProficientlyBasic

I do feel uncomfortable about it. But I’m confused too, he’s always been nice and kind to me. He tells me he’s done it to stick up for his family because he doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to them. Which is a nice sentiment and I can see why he’s done it, I just don’t like the way he’s reacted and think there’s non violent ways they could have been sorted out too.

If he's had a pattern of negative behaviour and he's told you, he's the hero of the story. He'll be your hero, until something happens between the two of you that he gets angry about and even then he'll explain why to get you to see his point of view. Maybe everyone's over reacting but I'd rather you leave now and be wrong then end up being a DF statistic.

@GoldieFoo I haven’t either, not even one situation that’s anywhere similar. Every one he told me about has made me feel a bit more uncomfortable.

I filled in the clares law form this morning as a pp suggested and had a call back, the officer on the phone seemed quite insistent to see me. Asked if I was free tomorrow for them to call round, then Saturday and when I said no asked if I could get to a station to give ID in. Do they check before they get in contact? Is it likely to be something if they ask to come round or do they just need ID before they can start to check? I’d said I’ll leave it for now because I’ve ended the relationship so don’t feel like I’m in any danger and thought they might not give me the info anyway if we’re no longer together.

Oh id go in. He might not go quietly and you nedd to know what you're dealing with.

@ElspethFlashman

Oh id go in. He might not go quietly and you nedd to know what you're dealing with.

Absolutely this. Please do follow up with the police, you'd be silly not to.