Boyfriends prior violence

[ProficientlyBasic]

How should I feel about this.

In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people.

1. Neighbour was making nasty comments about his mum a couple of weeks after she’d died. He said he laid he out flat, not punched just pushed him down and pinned him to the floor. He sold it to me as if he’d done the right thing, neighbours who’d overheard we’re congratulating him for putting this neighbour in his place etc.

1. His brothers ex girlfriend came round to collect her stuff with 2 friends, they said a few things to his brother so he went out and threatened them to stay away.

1. Telling someone he works with to fuck off who was spreading false rumours about him.

As the pattern has built up I don’t know if I should feel wary about this? There’s always been a ‘good’ reason for his reaction, especially the first one where I can understand emotions were running high. But I’ve never had any of that type of conflict with anyone. I can’t imagine telling a work colleague to fuck off and would rather walk away but I know I have trouble sticking up for myself so don’t know if that’s affecting the way I’m seeing things. Would this be acceptable to others?

I'm a bit confused by this.

So you've left fine but there's some confusion over keys and belongings?

I don't know why the police would be so insistant but you need to ask them.

How ever did you get so attached to someone you've only known a short space of time?

@Frownette there’s no confusion over keys and belongings. He doesn’t have a key to my house or anything there. I just left in case he turned up after reading the message.

All seems ok so far.

I thought you mentioned keys, apologies if you didn't.

It should all be ok to get out quick.

How are you doing @ProficientlyBasic? Hope you're ok

What did the police say @ProficientlyBasic?

OP, the slight cynic in me is thinking that you are milking this thread now, creating some dramatic tension with the 'urgent' call by the police following your application for information. However, if a police officer has indeed called you with such urgency, you are a massive fool not to immediately go and find out. You have ended this relationship by text to someone you believe to be violent and obviously suspect of potentially a serious domestic abuser. If so, this is a very dangerous time when you ought to take very precaution.

*every precaution

@Krampusasbabysitter I don’t know how to prove it to you, I could put up a screenshot of the call but it was a no caller ID number so it wouldn’t prove anything really.

I said I couldn’t see the police because I was in work today. I called in on my way home to give the ID they need so will wait to see what they say if anything comes up.

I haven’t taken no precautions. I didn’t stay at my house yesterday. I went to a friends. What else am I supposed to do? I don’t necessarily think he’s a domestic abuser either, just know of those violent acts because he told me about me, but I’ve never actually seen that side of him so I don’t know for sure.

He could be a serial abuser and you need to know, ASAP, what the police are trying to communicate to you. He may not have a key but he knows where you live. Unless you're planning on moving house, I'd be taking emergency leave from work and going to the police station, today.

It’s not about proving your story but the odd lack of prioritising what might be very important information. For you. In one of your last posts, you mentioned that ‘the officer on the phone seemed quite insistent to see me.’ That suggested an urgency that got people worried on your behalf. Your post today however suggests no such dramatic situation.

@Krampusasbabysitter - not really sure what your agenda is but the OP seems to have taken on board all of the advice on here v promptly. She may never fortunately been exposed to DV and the risks before, but she has trusted her gut and taken significant steps.

She may well have thought that she is now wasting police time because the RS is over - but is not yet aware, as sadly many on here know or have lived through - that this is precisely her most dangerous time.

Maybe she was v surprised and confused at the tone from the police.

She needs to be educated not agitated - it seems that her safety is at significantly increased threat because she has ended the RS and she was not aware that this could be the case.

It was because I didn’t know if they do a quick check before getting in touch, so they’d already know something before phoning me. Or if they can’t check until you’ve given ID first. I was trying to check if them phoning meant something or not, not to get people worried about how safe I am.

Echoing the others and stay clear. I went out with a man who proudly told me the voilence he got into, often in detail about the way he asserted himself. He ruined a wedding by telling me about men who were after him. He once turned up with a swollen face after an unprovoked attack on him apparently.
He never hit me, he never got nasty with me in a verbal assault or physical way. But...he had massive unresolved issues. Agression was never far from the surface, and it became more apparent when he had a drink. Being argumentative, lairy, weird with other people when he had a drink was becoming apparent.
I was conditioned for high tolerance to poor behaviour through my alcoholic fathers aggression. Listen to your gut. If its on alert, its for a reason and its telling you to be wary, to take flight.

I don't think they'd have processed a Claire's law that quickly, it's usually a months turn around isn't it?

They probably want to know more about why you're applying and do a risk assessment with you.

@JudyGemstone that’s what I expected, I didn’t think I’d hear anything for a few days at least. It was witn getting the phone call and then them saying they’d come out the next day, panicked me a bit and I wondered if it was so quick because they’d flagged something up.

I had a few messages yesterday but otherwise it’s been fine. I don’t feel like I’m in danger, he’s never raised his voice towards me so I’m hoping that’ll be it now.

Humm, can’t quite get behind your decision to run away from police info but there you go, people respond in many different ways.

Stay safe.

Yep run

Gosh this rings alarm bells. I once dated someone really nice. Was head over heels in love with them. They had one previous incident of violence towards their ex. They told it in a way that made it seem as though it was very much a one off. We moved in together. I ended it after the first violent incident. And the violence was not the worst bit about the relationship. I wasn't allowed to wear high heels outside the house, sing in my choir or have certain friends.

I'm no role model for staying clear of these situations but please listen to the people warning you about this. Unless someone is telling you about how they've had years of therapy to help with this, and they are talking about the incidents that make it clear that nothing justified the violence, you need to take very seriously the threat that this is somone who will do all those things to you.

Just checking in that you're OK OP. As you probably know, being dumped may well trigger him, so we just want to be sure you're safe!

Well done OP!! You've listened to your gut and got out before things turn nasty. This is so often not the case. I hope all is well and you are safe.