Boyfriends prior violence

[ProficientlyBasic]

How should I feel about this.

In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people.

1. Neighbour was making nasty comments about his mum a couple of weeks after she’d died. He said he laid he out flat, not punched just pushed him down and pinned him to the floor. He sold it to me as if he’d done the right thing, neighbours who’d overheard we’re congratulating him for putting this neighbour in his place etc.

1. His brothers ex girlfriend came round to collect her stuff with 2 friends, they said a few things to his brother so he went out and threatened them to stay away.

1. Telling someone he works with to fuck off who was spreading false rumours about him.

As the pattern has built up I don’t know if I should feel wary about this? There’s always been a ‘good’ reason for his reaction, especially the first one where I can understand emotions were running high. But I’ve never had any of that type of conflict with anyone. I can’t imagine telling a work colleague to fuck off and would rather walk away but I know I have trouble sticking up for myself so don’t know if that’s affecting the way I’m seeing things. Would this be acceptable to others?

I think you'd be an utter fool to stay with him.

There will be many many more examples, he just hasnt told you.
Yes everyone argues but to smile about it is weird.
Walk away while you can.

There is a reason previous girlfriends wouldn’t argue with him op, you know that. He’s told you why. Because he gets nasty. Potentially violent.

Get the hell away from him and fast.

@RantyAnty I don’t know much about his brother, only met him once. He’s 24 so old enough to stand up for himself if needed though. It was the way he told me that was just like I’ve done such a good thing getting rid of them. He was pretty horrible about them too, said to me one was lanky and one was ‘rounder than the earth’ so he could have taken them both.

I think it’s the way he describes it that makes me feel most on edge. With the incident with his brother he said to me if anyone tries to get to my family I go really quiet and threatening. It’s not a normal reaction is it?

He’s telling you who he is, listen and be very thankful you know now rather then down the line when it’s much harder to get away

You'll never be able to reason with him or have proper communication, he's entrenched in his mindset.

Fairly new relationship, right? So not much lost? Exit with dignity.

Sounds a prick and one who has a reason for everything. Can bet your eye teeth it’s the tip of the iceberg. Run. It will be you next

No it’s not normal op. Neither is boasting about it. Asking if you’ll argue with him, having previous partners to scared to argue with him, which lets face it, that’s what this was.

As said, run for the hills and don’t look back, and do it in a way that’s not going to anger him. Make it about you. Your fault.

He sounds like he takes pride in what he considers ‘righteous’ violence - be it physical violence or threats. That he was pleased that you
might argue with him is really worrying, he’s already behaved threateningly to you and he sounds like he’s testing the waters to see how far he can push this behaviour with you whenever he feels ‘righteous’ about any disagreements you might have.

Definitely end it as he’s telling you clearly how he’ll behave to you as time goes on. And the more you commit to each other the more he’ll see it as his ‘right’ to behave that way because of the emotional ties you build. What could happen a year, two, three down the line if you decide to leave and he’s decided you doing that is not allowed or is threatening him in some way? Doesn’t bear thinking about so yea get out now before you get in any deeper.

"In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people."

That alone set my radar pinging. Why would he tell you this? The only reason possible is so that he can later claim 'You know what I am like, I TOLD you!'. And why would he claim that? Because he's just ended up being violent to you.

And then the details in your subsequent posts - yuk. He is indeed proud of his violence. And that whole "he replied to me let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty" - he's already started.

I'm glad he's 'newish' and you haven't wasted too much of your time on him. Get out now.

@ProficientlyBasic

How should I feel about this.

In getting to know newish boyfriend he’s told me about 3 incidents where he’s ended up being violent towards other people.

1. Neighbour was making nasty comments about his mum a couple of weeks after she’d died. He said he laid he out flat, not punched just pushed him down and pinned him to the floor. He sold it to me as if he’d done the right thing, neighbours who’d overheard we’re congratulating him for putting this neighbour in his place etc.

1. His brothers ex girlfriend came round to collect her stuff with 2 friends, they said a few things to his brother so he went out and threatened them to stay away.

1. Telling someone he works with to fuck off who was spreading false rumours about him.

As the pattern has built up I don’t know if I should feel wary about this? There’s always been a ‘good’ reason for his reaction, especially the first one where I can understand emotions were running high. But I’ve never had any of that type of conflict with anyone. I can’t imagine telling a work colleague to fuck off and would rather walk away but I know I have trouble sticking up for myself so don’t know if that’s affecting the way I’m seeing things. Would this be acceptable to others?

Abusers often feel that they are the victim. When retelling stories they own minimise their actions.

I would avoid before he has the opportunity to tell stories like this about you.

No, fuck that, he sounds awful. And he’s just normalising and justifying his violent behaviour to you. He will treat you very badly indeed if you allow this to go on.

@RantyAnty

He sounds psycho.

His brother most likely is too since his ex brought 2 men with her just to retrieve her things and your bf started crap with them.

Good spot.

Aside from the fact he is obviously dangerous and you need to be away for your own safety...

What you have described just sounds so deeply unattractive. He sounds thuggish, boastful and thick. Grim.

Good decision to get rid.

He's testing your boundaries. If you accept his violence now, he knows he's on to a winner. He's unknowingly been incredibly helpful upfront, because you may not have seen this side of him for months or years. Dump, block and delete. Let's hope he's so upfront with the next woman too.

See I wouldn’t have said he was thuggish or violent. If anyone would have asked me I would have described him as gentle and kind. I don’t know how I haven’t seen it clearly before.

He’s told me about 2 previous girlfriends who’ve cheated on him. And didn’t describe any ill feelings towards them or that he reacted badly. He told me it as he was ashamed that he hadn’t been in a good enough relationship previously where they’ve felt the need to cheat. He probably wouldn’t tell me the full story though would be?

I think I would always be wondering what would happen if he felt I did something that 'deserved it', it would be a huge red flag for me

@ProficientlyBasic

I think that’s it, it makes me uncomfortable because he seems proud of it. I couldn’t quite work out what it was but the penny has dropped reading that. It’s like look how I’ve sorted things out and protected everyone and I should admire him for it.

I have brought up something I wasn’t happy with once and he replied to me let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us. I wasn’t being nasty at all, just wanted him to explain why about something and he wouldn’t tell me. You’re all right I need to get myself away from him. I don’t think he’ll mind me leaving, I think he’ll put himself as the victim and tell himself I’m wrong.

Paraphrase ‘let’s leave it there because IT’S going to turn nasty’ to ‘let’s leave it there because I’M going to turn nasty’. He’s told you about all of this violence early to test you to see what you will tolerate. When people tell you who they are.....LISTEN!

Run for for the hills. It’s not a matter of IF he will turn nasty/violent with you, but WHEN!

I have brought up something I wasn’t happy with once and he replied to me let’s leave it there because it’s going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us

Woah, that's a massive red flag on top of your first post! As a PP said, that translates as "I'm going to turn nasty and I don’t want that for either of us".
What he's telling you is that he can't/won't deal with negative emotions in a mature and non-aggressive way. It takes a stronger man to use his brain and talk through issues or to walk away from confrontation that to deal with it physically, and he's not going to be the stronger man.
I agree with PPs, cut your losses and end the relationship.

My abusive ex could be kind and gentle too, especially at first. But he also boasted about fights and aggression he had been in. And it didn't take long for him to become abusive to me. People are complicated, just because he can be kind, doesn't mean he isn't aggressive and won't be like that to you.

@ProficientlyBasic

See I wouldn’t have said he was thuggish or violent. If anyone would have asked me I would have described him as gentle and kind. I don’t know how I haven’t seen it clearly before.

He’s told me about 2 previous girlfriends who’ve cheated on him. And didn’t describe any ill feelings towards them or that he reacted badly. He told me it as he was ashamed that he hadn’t been in a good enough relationship previously where they’ve felt the need to cheat. He probably wouldn’t tell me the full story though would be?

Oh they always are so soft and sweet towards you, before they aren't.

He's trying to make you feel sorry for him.

The parts that worry me are the fears of previous girlfriends - refusing to argue with him, and an ex feeling she needed 2 men as back up to collect her things. Theres also the warning that a disagreement could turn nasty.

Some of his language is making you uncomfortable and you might start internalizing it and accepting it as being the status quo.

It isn't really, it's not acceptable. Get out now would be my only advice. Hope you do.

What would you say to your best friend if she sort your advice on dating a guy with an history of violent and anti-social behaviour ?.

The arguments thing concerned me more than anything. I don’t know why he’d ask or say it made him happy. I kind of dismissed it as some people don’t like conflict so maybe that’s how his ex girlfriends felt.

Then when I started an argument with him he wouldn’t argue back with me, just told me to stop before it gets nasty. I couldn’t work that out, why he wouldn’t just sort it out with me when he’d said that’s how he likes to get things resolved. It’s because he’s thought he might not be able to control himself isn’t it?

I am going to end it, I’ll text him later to let him know.