Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

I think looking for rules in human relationships is a lost cause. There are no rules, there are just dynamics. Everyone has different needs, likes, expectations. It's about finding someone who fits yours.

There are often posters asking how often/much etc is normal/acceptable. It's about what's acceptable to you and the person you're dating. There are no rules.

I agree on the no rules ...it’s all about us determining our own boundaries and working within them comfortably. He does sound rather fab though @2old4thiscrap albeit into the hookup and last minute plans. If that’s for you go with it ...if it’s not keep looking.
I agree with feeling like the weird one or odd one out in my social circle too! Only I have no weird and odd single friends to join with
I do enjoy the attention from men on the apps as I never get it in real life - I was in a pub last weekend and looked around and there was not one man that grabbed my attention. But I might have engaged with a similar looking man on the apps if his message was engaging so it’s the only way I’m going to meet someone.
I’m chatting to yet another iron who I’ve given my number to for a call later - hopefully I’ll get a date or 2 lined up for the weekend. Can’t think of a good name for him yet!

@2old4thiscrap

Yay threads going global welcome

I agree, there’s no one size fits all for dating/hookups/whatever you want to do. People are all different

This is easier said than done as often were conditioned to feel we “should” want/achieve certain things from dating

but might be worth seeing if you can get a feel for what you yourself want right now - it could be exploring meeting new people and the tinder scene, it could be a proper progressive relationship, it could be just wanting a confidence boost and some flirtation... exploring your sexuality

Plus work out what you are and aren’t comfortable doing in dating?

If you’re not happy with the idea of having a bedroom style date and then not seeing/or hearing from the guy again, then maybe try to steer clear of them? But equally don’t worry too much about doing the “wrong thing”, we’ve all been there

Go by your own feelings and comfort levels - I think sometimes in dating you can feel you need to be very “pro-sex” to get any attention, but just chill and take your time if that’s not what you want

Had a bit of a misunderstanding with Mr Sexy Trouble this morning. Arranging a date, he said just because pubs close at 10pm now doesn't mean the date has to end. I told him that I wasn't going back to his if that's what he was meaning. Apparently he meant go for a walk and keep talking - not sure of that explanation as who would do that so late.
I will go on a date with him as he seems nice other than that comment. Keeping a keen eye out for any amber or red flags

I have my first date in years next week. I am quite terrified. It's just going to be a drink. Why am I perfectly capable of doing lots of other things, but this scares me?

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Where the hell would you walk to at 10pm?
Unless it is very well lit with other people about for safety....its very dark at 10pm, i wouldnt be walking anywhere with a stranger unless it was from one pub to another and only then if close to each other.

I think he was checking how up for going back to his you were and when you made it clear that you werent he made the walk comment.

@SortingItOut that's what I thought aswell. Almost as if he was protesting too much and accusing me of thinking he just wants sex.
If we do end up meeting up for drinks I would have 1 and then stick to a soft drink. I will see what he is like in person but keeping my eyes thoroughly peeled for any more flags

It's quite a strange thing to say @Dancerinthemoonlight. Until you've met you've no idea how a first date will pan out. It might last half an hour. If you were both having a great time and happy to have a walk at 10 when the pub shuts that's one thing. But to sew the seeds before having met? I agree it sounds like he is laying the ground work for continuing the date at one of your houses.

@Notcoolmum I prefer first dates that could be over and done with very quickly if they turn out to be a prick like a coffee date or a drink date. That way it's 1 drink if there are glaring issues but it can always be extended if both of you are feeling it. You can just never tell how it will turn out

What makes men tick?

(drags soap box into position)

I think if you were to take any human demographic and instil into it from birth that it is of greater importance than any other demographic, and entitled to the attention, deference and subservience of others, then that demographic would tend to contain a far larger proportion of wankers, and even people just not used to considering the feelings and needs of others, than the population at large.

(kicks soapbox down the stairs).

Fuck the patriarchy.

2old4thiscrap same same same same (sigh). Slept with MrBigCityBoy with no expectation of things continuing as he was vehemently anti- relationship, didn't get in touch for a week, he enthusiastically requested another meet, did quite a lot of low level future faking (invited himself along on a trip I was going on (which fell through), made loads of noise about us going somewhere in his camper anyway, we met again, I STILL held off messaging too much, finally cracked and messaged him after 3 days....after 36 hours he still hasn't read my message . (although he does have a "friend" staying, but still, I can see he's been on Fab!).

I think my original assessment of him being dangerous (In the sense of very mixed messages) was correct.

Yeh I reckon the mixed signals/hot and cold ones are the worst @crackofdoom

You end up doubting your own judgement and communication and think “if I hadn’t cancelled or if I’d been able to make that date he suggested even if it was inconvenient or if I was younger/cooler/more this or that it wouldn’t have happened...”

It’s no good emotionally! Even if you’re quite a secure confident person it can make you feel

@Dancerinthemoonlight Maybe he thought he was being a bit flirty by suggesting the date would be a roaring success that you'd never want to end. But that's what second dates are for ...

Ok .. I've seen much dating profile vocabulary that has baffled me but .. 'gray-asexual' anyone ? Is that when you outlive your sex drive ?

@HairyArsedMan I have teens ! I do know what that means. It means someone who has very limited sexual attraction to anyone, or who is hardly ever attracted to anyone sexually?
Takes all sorts I guess

Thats interesting actually.

It actually sounds quite a useful term - I’m sure many blokes would ignore it but actually there ARE times in my life when I’d much rather just meet people and feel quite asexual

(and I think there are men who feel the same - they’re happy going out with an attractive female peer and not feeling they need or want to do the dance of pushing for sex)

I’ve done this on okcupid with “friends only” ads when I was visiting a new city and just wanted a guy to go for coffee and dinner with? It worked very well.

Similarly I showed a bloke round my city with no date or flirtation involved.

Oh thanks @clovertoast. That may mean me then if I only swipe right twice a year

Following my decision to detox from my phone, I came home to find it had had a mystery accident in a deserted kitchen (attention seeking tantrum perhaps?), and has a cracked screen and dead LCD display. (I think it fell off the bread bin onto the worktop, a fall of no more than 30cm. I'm new to iPhones ).

So, I won't be able to contact any irons, or obsess whether they've messaged. Be careful what you wish for hey.

@crackofdoom
I think if you were to take any human demographic and instil into it from birth that it is of greater importance than any other demographic, and entitled to the attention, deference and subservience of others, then that demographic would tend to contain a far larger proportion of wankers, and even people just not used to considering the feelings and needs of others, than the population at large.

(kicks soapbox down the stairs).

💪🏻 you speak the truth, sister.

@HairyArsedMan clovertoast has it just about right, it's a label used by people who feel their life experience is very similar to asexuals but they are not completely asexual, it encompasses people with very low or infrequent sex drive and people with more situation specific attraction such as demi-sexuals. It is also used by people who feel they may be asexual but are not entirely sure about it.
As with any asexuality questions, the answer can be found at AVEN: asexuality.org/?q=grayarea

Well I feel like crap...

Matched with someone on bumble, chatted for a little bit and he wanted to do a video call. Got on well, but I had to take another call, delivery. Come back, to find he's blocked me and unmatched me. Feel like an idiot.

He’s the rude idiot @Oopsiedaisyy - put him to the back of your mind and move on to the next one.

Thanks @StarryUnicorn ... interesting reading about the different parts of the brain evolving for sexual and/or romantic attraction.

Oopsiedaisy bullet dodged! Just think, if that hadn't happened, it might have taken as much as a date or two before he revealed he's got a nasty streak and thinks the world revolves around him

So I finally cracked and went on tinder for a day!
All I can say is what a nightmare. There was one guy that caught my eye though and we’ve been sending messages back and forth. It got quite flirty and sexual which looking back through the messages was as much my own fault so I decided to stay non sexual and he didn’t try to take it that way on Tuesday. Then yesterday he send me a message really late so I replied today.
Both of us have had to cancel a meet up each but I just hate the unknown and almost feel almost 2 weeks of messages now and I wish we had just already met to be honest as I’m not sure I want to get in to dating yet really but I also don’t want to not with him as we seem to get along.

I just wondered if the flirty/ sexual (nothing more than a few comments really) should be a red flag if I’m as much at fault and if the hours sometimes between replies to next minute quick answers is a sign he’s not really that interested?

Just don’t want to waste my time!

@Awholenewlife123

I guess you just need to re-schedule the meet in and see what happens - realistically a lot of online meets can be a bit and don’t go anywhere but just treat it as an interesting conversation with a new acquaintance!

If you’re genuinely not happy and don’t feel confident just put yourself first and detach, you haven’t accepted a marriage proposal.

If you’re worried about the hookup thing I wouldn’t mention it directly but watch out for time/location and have your own transport/don’t get drunk - a coffee at 3pm somewhere central isn’t going to be hookup zone.

If someone is creepy and sex obsessed they’ll basically be creepy regardless of what you say or do really, just be sure of your own boundaries and comfort levels

@crackofdoom I’ve got as far as the Deans!
I feel like I have completed a level