Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Apparently I will find someone when I'm not looking. - I'm 52, I can confirm this doesn't work!

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Indeed - these were his words: "I don't go out really, wont to wait to meet someone to share those places together"

His chat wasn't much more interesting than that either. He also doesn't watch TV which is OK but it does limit what one can talk about when there is a pandemic on!

@WeWantTheFinestWines he doesn't seem to be nervous but then of course I can only go with what he is typing. I have had a lot of suggestions for first dates round an irons house so it doesn't surprise me anymore. Maybe it's the age group I'm in, the quick netflix and chill kind of dates and sex before seeing if there is any legs to it.

@VanGoghsDog she did old to find her husband so I don't understand her methodology behind it. I will just placate her and not talk to her about dating.
In an ideal world the perfect man for all of us would just drop into our lives but unfortunately we live in the real world and not a fairy tail

@VanGoghsDog I don't think asking you for a coffee later that day without a preamble is bad manners at all I would grab at that. I mean surely meeting is the point and a quick coffee doesn't waste anyone's evening if it doesn't work out. If someone invites me for a date quickly I'm much more likely to go than endless messaging. But that's OLD isn't it, it's horses for courses and I haven't met anyone I even fancy in 18 months do what do I know....

@Ingridla hope you're ok. That's a shitty first experience. It happens.

@Clovertoast it sounds like you're on different pages. I would have no interest in getting involved with someone's family until I had to, it complicates things. It's an extra dynamic to deal with. But it sounds like you need someone who is totally all in and he has other stuff going on. Maybe you need someone childfree.

[quote unambiguousbeard]@VanGoghsDog I don't think asking you for a coffee later that day without a preamble is bad manners at all I would grab at that. I mean surely meeting is the point and a quick coffee doesn't waste anyone's evening if it doesn't work out. If someone invites me for a date quickly I'm much more likely to go than endless messaging. But that's OLD isn't it, it's horses for courses and I haven't met anyone I even fancy in 18 months do what do I know....

[/quote]
Hmmm....well, it's irrelevant anyway because I had plans and was out all day. And he's not bothered to suggest anything else.

I'm trying not to obsess too much about men and have a rest at the moment, but really all I'm doing is trying not to message Mr BigCityBoy, who has a lady friend from Fab staying for the whole week (I guess with Fab, you live by the sword and you die by the sword ).I've got a free weekend coming up and would really like him in it!

I'm also chatting away to someone from Fab who is presently staying miles away. We're getting on like a house on fire and he also wants a relationship, and I bloody hate being in this endless chat/ big build up situation! I just want him to come back to see what kind of connection we have in real life, grrrr!

@HairyArsedMan you sound lovely and should tell her!

I think we're all secretly wondering about @HairyArsedMan

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Any man that says “still” at the end of a message is to be avoided.

@HairyArsedMan

Can I be a horrible person on the cynical bench here?

I’m glad you’re enjoying the friendship with MissT and any cycling is good cycling.

However I do think you’re being (gently and charmingly) manipulated a bit here - whenever someone does the whole “x reason or h event is happening in my life

(Hinting “which is why I don’t want to date and just be friends” )

they’ll 100% drop that reason for someone they’re actually sexually and romantically attracted to.

I think she wants you as a bit of a “nice fallback guy” (going out of your way to spend time with her and not thinking about anyone else - if you met someone impressive with mutual attraction realistically she’d not be your priority any more).

But she’s not going to want to date you (unless you end up going out with someone else then she might try to lure you back in, but then have another crisis which means she can’t date you)

It's ok @Bunkbedpeople, I appreciate your comments and I know it to be true that if she wanted something, she would and could. However I don't consider we are dating, and do consider that we are going to be friends of sorts. She has been open about dating others and she's been open about seeing me as a friend long before this came out. - I don't see it as manipulative.

When I said about my thoughts being changed, it was mainly that I got a new perspective on some of the things she said which now seem more pointed and poignant. I don't see her view of me as changing.

Haven't heard from the potential iron who wanted me to go round for a first date. Not surprised at it.
Had a few really nice messages with a potential I will call Mr Sexy Trouble. That's the first thought that came to mind when I matched with him. He is very local to me and we seem to get on well so I will see if he mentions meeting up when I get back at the weekend.

I have come to the realisation that I need a phone detox. For nearly a year I've been completely glued to my phone, awaiting the next dopamine ping of a message from whoever I've been seeing and hoping to see at the time....Either they're messaging loads and I'm all comfy and secure and on a high, or I'm waiting for them to message and going through the circles of hell, or compulsively scrolling through Fab and Tinder...

I've created myself my own boom and bust cycle, and it's distracting me from everything else.- work, children, etc....Think I'm going to start leaving my phone at home when I go to the studio to work, it's so distracting....Not going to reinstall any dating apps just yet, either. FabSwingers seems OK, just simply because I only access it on my laptop, not my phone (but then if a chat goes well, you start messaging, and then you're checking your phone 1000x per day...).

The chap I was talking to from Fab, who was however starting to sound like potential relationship material, has finally admitted that he has no fixed plan to come back to this area from Wales, where he is currently staying (sounds like he's gone on a bit of a road trip following a relationship breakup). We've agreed to step back on the chatting until when and if he decides to come back.

And I have also come to the realisation that it's OK to feel down, and to feel lonely, sometimes. I don't always have to be going "I'm so FINE! Look at me! Super adventure woman! Sex machine!!". Sometimes you need to just....allow yourself to feel it for a while.

@crackofdoom, some really helpful insights there. I hope you manage to find a happy balance between life and apps.

Agree - there’s such a lot of emotions and pressures involved with using the apps that although they’re a great tool for meeting people, the “highs and the lows” can be fairly bad for ones MH

I got myself a cheap phone as a dating phone so I could just turn things like WhatsApp off!

MrCountry says texts don’t work on his ship/rig and it’s easier to have WhatsApp (he did call from the ships phone a few days ago). But when he’s back I’ll try to go cheap phone for a while

It’s striking a balance as well - I had a few years when I didn’t online date and rarely used my phone, concentrated on things like exercise, meeting people IRL etc.

Interestingly enough, I actually found my MH WASN’T great in this period!

I think as a single attractivish woman who doesn’t necessarily fit into any clear social group, the people I was meeting socially were fairly patronising and weird and I felt very disconnected. Structurally I think this is quite a common experience for single people, even if you’re very happy with yourself?

Although things like tinder and bumble are crazy and Male attention isn’t the end goal of life, I’ve felt that I’ve been communicating with people who are actually peers and I have social and intellectual things in common with them.

So the apps have been good for my MH in that way.

I think Mr Oz may have ghosted me now... it heard from him for a few days. I know he was slow at replying but this has been quite a long stretch!
Ah well, you win some, you lose some. I agree with Crackofdoom too with the 'boom and bust' cycle. Having just got back into dating and being a bit flattered by the attention after how my previous relationship ended I'm trying to not get too invested so I think I'm going to try and not keep looking at my phone or on the apps. Maybe have a swiping session once a day or something!
Onwards and upwards :)

*not heard, not it heard

Although I have gone back in a dating app sooner than I thought I would I am only spending a few hours in the evening replying to message. I'm too busy in the day and not worried if they loose interest because I'm busy and not replying straight away.
I hope I can continue this mentality when I'm not in holiday and have more time on my hands. It's lovely having people to talk to but also not worrying about getting back to them as soon as they have sent a message or over thinking it.

*I think as a single attractivish woman who doesn’t necessarily fit into any clear social group, the people I was meeting socially were fairly patronising and weird and I felt very disconnected. Structurally I think this is quite a common experience for single people, even if you’re very happy with yourself?

Although things like tinder and bumble are crazy and Male attention isn’t the end goal of life, I’ve felt that I’ve been communicating with people who are actually peers and I have social and intellectual things in common with them.*

Good point. Certainly, I often feel like an alien around my fellow school/ village parents, and I'm pretty sure that I get socially shunned by some couples. My social life tends to revolve around other single weirdos, who are childfree or whose kids are grown. If it wasn't for those weirdos I'd feel the same...

So happy to find this. Hope I'm not too late to the party.

I'm based in Aus in an area with no lockdown.

Ended my marriage 18 months ago. Had one 3 month relationship and one 9 month relationship in that time. Now back on the dating apps and none the wiser about how men work.

Current confusion - gorgeous man. Nice person. Terrible texter by his own admission so I do cut him some slack.

We've had one proper date and 2 bedroom dates (ok by me...I'm happy with that right now). He is insanely good looking and the chemistry is great.

I can be a bit over enthusiastic in dating but (mad as it sounds) he was so good looking that I didn't think he'd be remotely interested so it didn't even occur to me to show any enthusiasm. I sent one polite follow up and thought I'd never hear from him again. Seemed to do the trick as he really pursued me and kept in touch every week. We got together again but that was a hook-up (and I actually found him a bit boring).

I went really quiet for a few weeks because of some work stress and given I'd found him gorgeous but boring, I kept in touch but only sporadically and he is was very vocal about how disappointed he was not to hear from me.

Once work quietened down we had another nice (albeit largely bedroom based) catch up. He wasn't boring this time and I really enjoyed all aspects of the evening.

We haven't had any discussion on whether we want to date or just hook up but I think just hooking up is implied and that's completed fine by me.

He sent me a really nice message after I (just saying hi and wishing me a nice week) so I felt comfortable enough to show a bit more interest in seeing him this week and asked if he wanted to get together this week.

No bloody reply.

I give up. I despair. I really do.

Do men just want to chase?? Was the fact I suggested some available days to get together really so repellent that I've scared him off for good? Does the hook-up culture dictate that plans can't be made in advance?

I cannot work men out at all.

Think I'm supposed to give this man a name. Let's call him Mr Hotstuff.

@2old4thiscrap welcome, now learn the mantra “it’s not me it’s them”! I have no idea what makes men tick. I have been single for a year and only just started dating in the last few weeks. I can’t work out the expected message frequency, meeting etiquette, kiss or not? Sex or not? There are no rules that men follow. Stay here for support though.
Mr Welshie was so keen on Monday and I really liked him but he hasn’t read my last WhatsApp message and I haven’t heard from him. But because I went a bit quiet on a few other irons they all seem to be clamouring for my attention 🤷🏻‍♀️

@2old4thiscrap welcome. I wish I knew how men thought and what makes them tick. I have found all men to be different, some men like me to text more, some like me to text less. Some like the chase some don't.
I agree with @wasail that it is them not you