Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Clovertoast

I think you have to accept this is how things are and how he is and either accept or move on/date others?

We all have different approaches to intimacy/personal and social space and although I definitely know some people who would be happy with someone they’re in a relationship with dropping in all the time/getting involved with family/friends others just don’t want to?

Many of us have been really burnt and had a lot of drama through mixing social groups too much (whether it’s in-law/stepchildren issues or your new boyfriend falling out with one of your mates) so actually like to keep our romantic/dating life very separate.

However if it’s really necessary for you to have a relationship where you have keys to each other’s places soon and are working towards a blended family situation then he’s not the one for you.

It's really not that I'm expecting it. I'm genuinely asking if I'm expecting too much too soon. This is my first relationship after my 20+ year marriage and ALL the rules are different. I didnt date. I married my first boyfriend. So here I am at 45 with my second!! I literally don't know if I'm being unreasonable or a dick.
He has dated quite a bit since his divorce, including one for 3 months.
I dont know what I'm doing so your input of what is a reasonable expectation is helpful to me.

@Clovertoast well it's not enough for you which is where I'd start. Im assuming here but do you have older kids and he has younger? To me its always seemed like that has its issues....observed on the thread. One person has more time while the other has less. I agree electrics etc would be a priority....i still don't get why you can't be there? Is it bevause his dad is there? Whats the issue with that? You mentioned its been 6 months? To me thats about the time you'd at least meet some freinds and family. Sure things can still go awry but honeatly if you're not seeing the person you're 'seeing' then what is there to go forward with?

@Clovertoast

I don’t think it’s a case of being “right or wrong” here? You’re not a bad person for having feelings or wanting what you want. But neither is he?

I agree after six months you may want a more relaxed set-up/feel you’re headed for blended lives

But equally he’s not a bastard for not wanting that kind of set-up and keeping certain parts of his life separate.

If you look even on this thread everyone has a different viewpoint on how they want their relationship to look/how much they see the other person etc.

My MrCountry is working away and I’m happy with that but equally some daters would hate that!

If it’s making you feel distressed or triggering anxiety you need to put your mental health first and review it, same as any differences or problems in any relationship.

@Clovertoast, what we don't necessarily know is what YOU want ? You can only go with what you feel. Every person is different in what they can offer and what they want in return. I read it that you would like to see a bit more of him and feel like a priority when he has free time. So I will give my personal preference and what I am currently getting from Mr V. I would like to see someone at least once, preferably twice a week. I have some time constraints/responsibilities with my younger DD who is 15. I am a sole parent as their DF passed away. Although I have known Mr V 10 months we have only really been properly seeing each other regularly since lockdown eased in mid June. We always see each other at some point over the weekend and in more recent weeks at least once in the week for a meal , pub quiz or cinema. For the time being I am happy to say once a week as the absolute minimum but going forward I'd like to see him (or someone at least twice). There are always things that can come up for either of you but I would expect/hope that a missed date would be rescheduled. He works long hours but has no child care responsibilities.

Everyone has different needs and boundaries yes. I think what I'm wondering is...hes mentioned meeting his dad before. I guess I'd want clarity because if blending is where you want jt to go and he's not down for that for a while, you probably need to know so you can decide whether this is a situation you're happy with

I just had a little look on POF, was just wondering, if my profile is hidden and I message someone, can they see my profile or not? I don’t really want to unhidden my profile as I get a lot of rubbish messages and there’s not really many people local too me that I would want to date (or haven’t dated already) but I like to occasionally look for new profiles. Just messaged someone who shares a hobby with me but am unsure if he will be able to see my profile?

Yes they can see your profile and can navigate to it via the message itself @Lovemusic33. No one else can see it.

Well, I spent the day cycling with Miss Terrific yesterday. We stopped for food and she told me something that really made me look at all our previous conversations in a very different light. Basically she had some massive invasive surgery last Christmas and is still being treated for the underlying life threatening problem. I knew she did just want to have a good day out so didn't question her too much about it and she assured me she was good to last the day, so it was another really light and fun day taking in a lot of sights with jokey chat about life, the universe and everything. Have to confess after processing it all I had a not so little blub on the way to work this morning and have had to resist the urge (because she'd probably think it as was unbearably sentimental) to tell her how amazing she is to get through all she's been through. I think I won't be able to stop myself next time we meet though.

Had a lovely last minute date watching the sun going down over the ocean with an iron from Bumble who out to this point has not been terribly interesting. I’ll call him Mr Welshie because I really want to see him again. Had a lovely kiss and a great chat.

You sound very kind HairyArsedMan and I'm sure it would make her feel special and that you think she kicks ass rather than being put off.

You sound very kind HairyArsedMan and I'm sure it would make her feel special and that you think she kicks ass rather than being put off.

Sorry for the repeat. Your date sounds amazing Wasail. I've got a first date with Mr Dogs Wednesday. Can't wait.

Sorry for the repeat. Your date sounds amazing Wasail. I've got a first date with Mr Dogs Wednesday. Can't wait.

@HairyArsedMan I am definitely winning an award for most cynical bastard alive this week after an unpleasant experience regarding me and still not dating, so please forgive me if I am way off the mark... But please will you come and check with the thread if Miss Terrific starts asking you for money?

I realise it could be interpreted like that @StarryUnicorn but no ... it’s sadly all too real. And I’ve got sod all in the bank.

I have been chatting to a potential iron on and off today. He seemed really keen to meet me when I get back so we were in the process of arranging a date for Sunday. I ask him what he has in mind - 'a BBQ at mine, chill and get to know you. That's an invite btw.'
Hmmm how does. 'im sorry but that doesn't work for me. I prefer more traditional dates and don't go round someone's house for a first date' sound as a response?

Ah, just had a lovely message from Mr Welshie, happy days.
I have three more dates lined up this week, one with another iron from fab whose texts are all sorts of filthy. I’m rather enjoying dating this week

Dancer sounds fine to me, but mixing at others houses may well get knocked on the head tomorrow anyway...

@WeWantTheFinestWinesi hope you have a lovely date, is this your first?

@Dancerinthemoonlight perhaps suggest a “BBQ in the park followed by a stroll along a busy road with a chat to get to know you” and see if he gets the hint?

@Dancerinthemoonlight I think that’s very reasonable. Prepare for him to disappear though but you need to be clear ...as you know.
2 weeks ago I had an iron I was chatting to for most of the week and when it came to Friday and I mentioned my kids had gone to their dads and I was going to chill with a glass of wine and some music and he said ‘and me’ and he knew the rules say one thing but we shouldn’t follow rules! I said I really want to meet but not in my house for a first date as I wouldn’t be comfortable with that - never heard from him again 😬

Surprisingly he came back with 'fair enough, was trying to do something romantic for a 1st date. Don't be sorry, I respect that still'
Not really sure what to reply to that with. If he disappears he disappears, at least I have stuck to my boundaries

I wouldn't go to a man's house for a 'first date'. I suspect he is thinking more 'hook up' (Netflix and chill) anyway.

It's disrespectful to expect you to.

I had one on Bumble the other day, really tedious back and forth chat for a short time (where he told me he doesn't go out, because he is saving going out for a special person - weird) and then Sunday about 10am he texted 'do you want to meet for coffee today'. Well, no. It's rude to ask with no preamble and no notice and anyway I am busy on Sundays. So I just said I'm busy today and not heard from him again.

I thought is there any other way he could have hinted at the possibility of just wanting a hookup. Going to see if he bothered with other suggestions. It's testing my boundaries but they are staying firm.

I spoke to my best friend today about the dating thing as she thinks I should give up and not look. Apparently I will find someone when I'm not looking. In the midst of a pandemic where there isn't much of a chance for socialising I'm not sure how she thinks that will happen.

Dancer, that sounds a little bit odd, but maybe he's a bit nervous and trying to stand out? Stick to your boundaries though - not someone's horse on a first date

VanGogh he sounds super odd - saving going out...? Who does that? Severely lacking in social skills.

Wasail this is my first date since the end of a year long RS, and it will involve us both driving for an hour to meet in the middle. I really hope he's worth it.