Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@daisymat I have only recently found my worth and have better boundaries. I now realise just how much I have to offer the right man. If they can't see that then it is their loss and certainly not mine

@Belladonna123

Welcome

That's the modern etiquette I've found - people on dating apps tend to
unmatch \block\stop chatting quickly as often they're interacting with a lot of people at the same time?

Nothing's real until you meet in real life - for all you know your guy could be a sixteen year old girl cat-fishing people for a laugh !

Polite "no thank you" messages are now seen as a bit too formal (in my opinion)

Don't take it personally - I expect you'll be chatting \matching to lots of guys and might end up meeting\chatting to a couple you're excited about and ignore the rest .

It's a bit hurtful feeling a bit rejected but that's just the nature of online apps? And there are some genuine people there for sure

Get some new matches going and try to arrange a meet sooner rather than later so you can if there's actual chemistry in the flesh

@bunkbedpeople
Thank you 💖 your words make so much sense to me. I'll get over it, and it's not put me off lol. Just feeling a bit more clued up now.

@Belladonna123 yeah chat is cheap and relentless. Means nothing unless theres a meet. If it makes you feel better so many on apps and myself when I was - have chats that just started and some that have been going on for a while or there's been a date but nothing official so people fall off all the time not because they 'reject' but more because they have more history or similar with someone else

@Belladonna123
I find it really hard not to message them after no reply from them. But in my head I know if I do hen the same thing will happen in the future. Must be strong!

Annoying as I have a free weekend and thought there was a chance to meet in person with two.

Going to do some painting today try and leave phone alone.

How’s everyone doing today?
I’m seeing Mr German later and I’m v happy about that 😊 I do not have that anxiety with him I had constantly with Mr Blue Eyes about messaging and availability etc. He’s just there. If I message him he gets back to me, I know he’s thinking of me because he’s always sending memes stupid tik toks he knows I’ll find funny or checking in about work.
Other irons were very into compliments and taking that to talk about sex and he doesn’t do that at all.
The only flaw he has so far is he’s not that tall 😂 and I don’t even care as much as I thought I would.
I’m over investing again of course but in a healthier way than before I feel because I’m not obsessively checking is he online, I don’t need to and I’m just more comfortable and less anxious overall.
Awaits the disaster😂

@ZoZoBo, that's a lovely post to read. I'm glad you have managed to find a way to meet. It's always so refreshing to connect with someone and it doesn't bring stress or concerns. I will await your update !
All fine here, well almost! Mr V has not long left. I'm really deeply fond of him. He has turned out to be a loyal, multifaceted and affectionate guy. I genuinely don't dislike anything about him as a person... but our one mismatch is in terms of sex drive. We see each other twice a week but only spend one night together. For context he is 55, works long hours and has a few age related minor health issues. I would like us to have sex every time he stays over. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I have had quite a naughty few years and enjoy sex very much. So here's my dilemma - do I learn to accept his lower sex drive because I like him in every other way ? Or will this maybe only get worse and not better and become more of an issue? I have raised it with him ( no pun intended). He's said that sometimes if my daughters are here he feels self conscious. He assures me that he's very much into me and sees us going forward together. He's relaxing and fun to be around. He does play some of his cards a bit close to his chest emotionally. He has had RS but never been married. He has lived with women but returned home to be with his mom who he says he was devoted to. Sadly she passed away a couple of years ago. He told me this morning that until he met me nearly a year ago he hadn't really been intimate or feeling like he wanted to be for quite some time. We met last November, dated until late January then he went awol, he got back in touch ,lockdown happened but we have been seeing each other again since June. When the sex happens it's good and he definitely isn't shy or lacking in skill. It just doesn't seem to be as important to him as it feels to me. I think because quite a lot of the guys I have met in more recent years have been wanting sex but maybe weren't suitable or looking for a relationship it's a bit frustrating that I have kind of fallen for someone that I fancy so much, love being around but isn't as fussed about DTD. I think there is also a pressure that if it doesn't happen on our one overnight together it feels like another week long wait for the next opportunity.

Just back from really great first date with Mr VW. He paid for lunch and drove for an hour to my town.

He was wayyyyy better looking than his pics plus really tall and gorgeous clothes too. Very funny, interesting & talented.

Best car park kiss in a very long time (or ever). Smelt heavenly.

Hope he doesn't ghost me now. That would be pants. Stranger things have happened though.

@Onesmallstep67
I do agree with Mr V that having sex when teenagers are in the house can be offputting and its my own teenagers.

The sex that Mr K and I have at my house is so very different to the sex at his house because he lives alone.

Are you able to stay at Mr V's instead occasionally?

Some men prefer quality over quantity.

What happens if you instigate things?

Personally i get miffed if i dont have some form of sexual contact each time i see Mr K but then one of my top love languages was physical touch.

@SortingItOut it's not really possible to stay at Mr V's at the moment. We are in local lockdown restrictions so technically my 15 yr old DD can't stay anywhere else or with anyone. My 20 yr old has gone to uni now.
Mr V is a talker so I might start to instigate something in bed and he'll carry on wanting to chat about allsorts. So sometimes the moment doesn't develop. This happened several times last night and this morning. So then I back off because I think 'well he knows what is on my mind but isn't wanting to respond ' and that's the but I find a bit hurtful. He's affectionate. We are always cuddled up etc. but I do feel a bit like I am pestering him. And I feel like if he was as into me as he claims then he'd want to respond. But maybe they are two different things to some people.

@Onesmallstep67
Oh god, Mr K is a talker too and its always when we go to bed
I can be dozing off and he is still chatting away!!!

If you dont see him very often maybe he's getting a weeks worth of chat in

Maybe he thinks his chat is more important than sex....

I associate sex with liking me but apparently I'm in the minority.

Mr K says just being in my company, eating together, chatting, sorting my animals etc makes him happy and he loves that time with me whereas my favourite time is in bed having sex!!!

@Onesmallstep67 it would bother me. You have to decide for you.

@Onesmallstep67 yeah that woild bother me too. I need physical intimacy to feel connected or I go off the boil/feel rejected. Cant do it. But depends if you can

Hi @Onesmallstep67 yes it would bother me too but then I’m busy making up for lost time after years of no sex! I’m still seeing Mr Bike after trying unsuccessfully to friendzone him last weekend. I’m having counselling and we went to see a film which I found massively triggering and cried silently throughout (and it was a comedy FFS). Unlike most of the men I date who would be studiously ignoring it and planning their escape, he was really kind to me and he obviously cares so much. And he is attractive. And attracted to me. But the sexual chemistry just isn’t there for me. I keep trying, waiting for it to kick in. But it’s not.

Meanwhile Mr Local, who is 12 years younger than me, doesn’t want a relationship and has nothing in common with me is so freaking hot I can’t even ...

So I am seeing a nice man who wants all of me but who I don’t fancy, and another nice man who basically just wants FWB but who makes me go weak at the knees every time I see him. I’d spend every minute of the day in bed with him if I could. I want a combination of both so am keeping on looking but it seems like a needle in a haystack thing 🤷‍♀️🙄🤔

Thanks for your responses. It is clearly bothering me and I got both emotional and a bit pissed off this morning. He just cuddled me lots, kind of joked about things and asked when I thought we might be able to get away for an overnight. We did a night in a hotel 3 weeks ago and it was lovely. He also kept saying that we're not doing badly considering how strained some people's relationships might be with the effects of the pandemic etc. If truth be told I think I have experienced more real relationships than he has. He enjoyed his lifestyle of football and dance. Spent a lot of his spare time in clubs. Prioritised being with the lads and taking care of his mom over pursuing a typical committed RS with a female. He can be a bit blokey-jokey but has shown himself to be quite emotionally complex. And as a big plus point compared to my last ex he's lovely with my DDs and there have been zero issues with him merging into our lives here. It is something I will monitor but definitely not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

My iron, who I'm going to call Mr Chaos (as he's chaotic but in quite a charming way 😅) came to mine and cooked dinner for me last night. He bought me flowers and bought my cat some treats! No one has ever done that before and my cat is like my best friend 😅 so I was so touched that he did that!

@Ruralbliss, that sounds like a fabulous first meeting. He sounds like he's definitely captured your attention this afternoon.
@UtterSocks, it sounds like you are processing quite a lot of different emotions and needs. I think seeing the attributes in several men is the downside of multidating. I went through a phase of saying ' if I could take that bit of him and that bit of another it'd be perfect ' which in the end lead me to realise that none of them were the right one for me. It really depends what you feel you are looking for in terms of a connection with a man - the real deal or more casual?

I asked a potential iron if he wanted to meet up for a coffee/drink and a chat, he has read my message and not responded so I'm taking that as my answer. Oh well, his loss as he doesn't know the amazing woman he is missing out on.
I also just got called boring by another iron as I won't take a last minute drinks date and I'm tired. He would only be seeing me because he has nothing else to do tonight - way to make me feel special (not). Part of my new personal dating rules are to not accept a very last minute invitation when it feels like they will see you because they are bored. Could be shooting myself in the foot but of he wanted to see me he would suggest another time and not call me boring

I think it’s nice to switch up multidating and single and focussing on one person, depending on how you feel/what works for you.

Be a siren one month and a romantic the next

I was in quite a multi-dating mood over the summer (as I’d never really got into the tinder and bumble apps before and I’d just finished exams and was up for getting out and about a bit and meeting new faces! ).

It was a good learning experience and I had some nice memories but overall I found it emotionally draining by the end - I think I’d be burnt out if I was still doing it.

I’m focusing on things with MrCountry for now.

If I’m back on the apps I think my strategy would be to be Uber-selective - if I had months where I met nobody that would be fine.

I don’t mean like “must be between 5’9 and 5’11 with blue green eyes” selective

but no-one slightly sexually pushy or from out of town or who just generally didn’t seem like a really “convenient” social prospect.

I think meeting people out of loneliness and curiosity is over for me!

@Onesmallstep67

I know exactly what you mean about taking bits from different men and making 'the one'. I always thought I was asking for too much.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Well done It’s so empowering starting to say “no” to things you don’t feel comfortable with.

On that note, I think maybe that’s the key for multidating with me - if I am doing it “naturally” fine.

but I need to stop scheduling in low quality dates in where things don’t feel quite right just for the sake of it?

I don’t live in a episode of Sex and the City - I agree with the phrase “numbers game” as in someone’s not your boyfriend till they are, but equally going for a shit meet just to fill up an emotional gap is not sustainable for me.

I used to think “be open minded and you might make a new friend” but equally I don’t need loads of slightly weird blokes texting me

Hi guys!

Tonight I did it...I finished with him and I feel absolutely terrible and I'm crying my eyes out.

I told him I was unhappy with the situation. He had another free night tonight and didn't see me. He offered to call and I told him there's no point. I was honest and said a call would make no difference. I said I had tried so hard, i feel unappreciated and unwanted and just fir him to leave it. Said I couldn't do it anymore.

I feel devastated...really do. I can't stop crying. I love him but he just won't prioritize me. He's not come back to me

😪😪😪

@Wanttobeonabeach I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad but you really have done the right thing. He was not the guy for you. (If you block him you will never know whether he came back or not with a response -which I’ve found a good way of moving on from toxic people in the past.)

I hope you get some sleep 💐

@Wanttobeonabeach

Well done - make time to treat yourself over the next few days, block him.

Keep on talking here if you need to let off steam, we’re all behind you

It’s always so hard with the “hot and cold” guys because you want to hope they “might” change to hot - but they’ll never change, there’s nothing you could have done or said or been.

You’ve stood up for yourself and personal change/ growth is often scary emotionally - but you’ll feel really empowered as time goes on.

Thanks

He came back having a bit of a go that I'm being overly ridiculous/ needy and he can't handle it and it's not working. I'm being too much etc and making me feel really stupid. Says it's over.

I explained myself a tiny bit and got no response which makes me feel even more stupid.

This guy has destroyed my confidence and made me doubt my own sanity.