Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Wanttobeonabeach just echoing what the other said really, it all sounds too anxiety inducing. I've been in the same place waiting for that message and honestly, finding someone who does reply and makes an effort has just shown the difference in my mental health. No more anxious waiting and constant phone checking!

I'd get rid, it will only get worse.

Another date with my iron tonight, he's coming round to cook me dinner, looking forward to it

Thanks all.

I got a message saying "thanks for criticising me last night" and then saying he doesn't have time to talk about this, it's ridiculous.

I've said I'm sick of justifying myself all the time, our expectations and communication styles are too different. If he comes back again which I doubt, I will say there is no point carrying on.

Is this abusive?
Twisting everything making me feel guilty for expressing myself as if I'm being selfish.
Making me feel like I have to justify myself all the time.
Things are fine as long as I keep quiet and he has control over everything.
Punishing me by not talking if I dare to Express myself.

I'm just trying to gauge if this is some form of emotional abuse really. He can be incredibly lovely too though.

Although I suffer from anxiety I've never ever felt like this before. I've always stuck up for myself and been assertive but he's almost trained me there's no point as the consequences will be awful. In the past I've always ended up apologising.

I'm mentally done now but just trying to understand as he makes me question myself and think I'm the selfish one.

Does it matter now if it’s defined as emotional abuse?

Please follow up your last text by telling him very clearly that it’s over and he’s blocked. When that’s done you can put your energy into working out your motivations and not his.

First Date confirmed for Sunday lunch. Good man has suggested he drive to my town instead of meeting half way.
I'll call him Mr VW
Could be shit or could be great.
I'm beginning to love how you really don't know until you meet in the flesh and even then it's important to remember that it takes ages and doing lots of things to assess compatibility.

As far as Sunday goes it's all, as Caitlin Moran says, in the pheromones & as Mr VW quipped whether we think the other is a good kisser.

I've had three recent first dates where the kissing has been pretty dire. Skin crawlingly so.

@Wanttobeonabeach he's done hot and cold on you. So you are desperately wanting him to turn the heat up. Please please read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Today!

@Myfabby
He doesnt get to determine it, you do, he has suggested it and its for you to decide whether its what you want.

I dont think its controlling, just him telling you what he wants.

I do see a lot of profiles on fab where people are looking for just 1 regular person to be casual with.
Clearly this man likes you and thinks you're great in bed!!

Ultimately someone has to bring up the discussion and this time it happened to be him.

I'm also one to look for ulterior motives in everything as i had an emotionally abusive marriage and now I'm on guard all the time.

@Wanttobeonabeach
Why are you having the same conversation with him that you've had for a few days now?

Its a merry go round and you need to get off.

I know its hard to hear but i do think you are trying to validate your feelings of abandonment and thats why you are repeating the same conversations and getting the same answers from him.

It is emotional abuse but thats irrelevant now, he doesnt meet your needs and isnt prepared to try.

If you are mentally done send 1 final message and block.

Then read Mr Unavailable and also find a counsellor to help with your past issues.
And also start building up your life to make it the best it can be and once there you might consider allowing a man in to your great life.

@Wanttobeonabeach it doesn't matter how you name it. What matters is how you feel and whether this is what you want in your life and whether it makes you happy. It isn't and its not so why keep waiting for this person to keep you on a leash or cut it loose. Hes not the one in control of your happiness, you are. Please trust notcoolmum on this. Hot and colders do not like it when you're the one to call it quits. He will almost certainly try to manage it back to where he likes it. Also mr unavailable and the fallback girl. DO read it if you can. It will explain quite a bit of the confusion youre feeling, certainly did for me. End it and block....please. take back your agency

@Wanttobeonabeach

Send him a message saying “This clearly isn’t working for either of us.”

Block everywhere, book yourself a nice treat or day out. You were going to make time for a date with him, make time to treat yourself.

and get straight back on the apps. Seriously. Do this for you. You’re sad but you need be finding your anger and strength right now

@Wanttobeonabeach

I also don’t think you’re going to get any answers or closure or apology from him - this type will just lead you along, he might come up with how upset HE is, then you’ll believe him, then he’ll arrange a date and forget about it.... he’ll do exactly the same to the next woman he dates.

@Myfabby

I agree with pps - work out what YOU want to do.

You may want him as “primary lover” but also feel free to have a new look at Fab/keep a profile open there if organising is too hard?

In your shoes I’d probably practically prefer managing just one bloke but equally have the freedom to immediately look for/access other options if it wasn’t working out.

The point of casual (or any relationship) is it has to suit both parties so start from what makes you comfortable and go from there.

Nothing really to update iron wise. I have a few chats happening but no dates arranged.

I'm not sure if there are many on the thread who remember Mr Caribbean; I am probably having to report him for harrasment. Last week he was calling me 3 times a day and has started up again today after a week's break. He is blocked and never leaves a voicemail. I found out today that he had been looking at my profile multiple times a week on the site we met on and sent me a message on there last night. I'm not paying to look at the message. Ignoring him hasn't worked and it has the potential to get worse/nasty.

It just goes to show that even after 2 and a half months with someone you may never see the real them.

This is why I am so careful with what I reveal to irons. I always say I'm in a village between x and y where there are several villages.

-@Dancerinthemoonlight
Oh no, i cant believe Mr Caribbean is still harassing you.
Good idea to get it reported.

I'm the same as you, i live in a tiny village withnot many houses so would be easy to find. I also told people i lived in the nearest town and if i ever got to know someone properly i would say i lived between 2 places and never give the exact place.it definitely pays to be cautious.

@Bunkbedpeople @SortingItOut

Thank you both. Very helpful. He's a nice guy, very generous sexually and I quite frankly don't have time to meet anyone else so I'll just enjoy it I guess.

That’s awful dancer. Good luck with reporting.

My experience is that police in general have got better with stalking/harassment, come back to mumsnet for support if you need to.

I agree - it’s easy to get a false sense of intimacy from knowing someone for a short time but there’s some real weirdos out there.

It’s hard because you want to connect and be emotionally open with new people

but equally there’s a lot of controlling predators who will “play it cool” whilst looking for psychological vulnerabilities and you have to be so careful of these.

@bunkbedpeople
I am worried about it potentially ramping up by reporting him and
I have been told that I have to do it through the police and not let the military deal with it because I am a civilian and its happening off army grounds. It could potentially have an impact on his career but then he shouldn't still be contacting me. I moved on last year and he evidently hasn't.

dancer please don’t worry about it affecting his career - he’s choosing to harass you. Put yourself first.

I agree don’t go through the military - you’re not in the military so you’ll be dealing with the wrong system . Let the police do the work and decide what’s appropriate. Your job is to take care of yourself first.

Myfabby Re: the time poverty- this, I have come to realise, is why I ultimately need a relationship rather than one or more FWBs. If I ever want more than seeing someone once every two weeks, I'm going to need to have someone long term enough to introduce to my kids. Not in any way looking for another father figure for them, but it's got to be someone comfortable with hanging out with them- and vice versa.

Also, trying to organise one or more lovers when you only have every other weekend off is a logistical nightmare. I've had to let a few good men/ couples pass by because we're on "opposite weekends", childcare wise.

I If you're in our position , I think you really need someone who has your schedule off by heart, and accepts that you're their primary person.

Bloody hell @Dancerinthemoonlight that's some rubbish you are dealing with there.

Very good advice not to give out too much personal information too soon (and easier said than done I think for those of us who fall fast & hard)

Omg. Can I please join this thread? I have just started the OLD and can relate to many experiences on this, I could cry with relief that it's not just me

@Belladonna123 welcome. Of course you can join

Thank you @Dancerinthemoonlight
I just do not understand the whole stopping speaking to you. I'll call my guy Mr G. He initiated first chat. And the second. Starting talking on what's app. I'm starting to like him. Then.....nothing. I can see he is still online the dating app. It left me feeling horrible. But I absolutely refuse to message him. I'm a dick but I tend to fall hard and fast and the chemistry was there. But from reading this thread I feel so much better. Just say you don't want to chat anymore lol I'm a woman not a silly wee girl

@Belladonna123 I had an iron exchange numbers with me and then never contact me. I sent him a hey its dancer from tinder message and nothing, my whatsapp picture is the same as one on my profile. I don't get it either but it is very much them and not us. It would be much easier to send a quick it was nice talking to you but I don't think we get on enough to meet or something similar

I remind myself each time
You are the prize, as men fail to reply or engage after days of chatting.
Thank goodness for this thread learnt a lot
Xx

@Dancerinthemoonlight
@daisymat
How true. I think I wasn't at all prepared for it. I so wish I had found this thread first!
It's so supportive and I too have learned a lot!