Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Hi everyone- been lurking a while, this thread encouraged me to go and peek around POF again. I’ve done the dating sites before but last time ended up in a banal, not brill but often suited my circumstances, on/off thing for years till I pulled the plug completely a few weeks ago following a very ‘off’ 12 months. But I’ve now gone from 48 on them to 54 and it doesn’t improve with age, mine or the dating sites’ 🤣 - apart from the whole gutter thing I have had 2 got to texting - first was on my PGCE course years back, but different class - he disappeared 🤷🏼‍♀️ - current works in my flipping building 🤦🏻‍♀️ - it’s a big one, don’t know him there - just slightly uncomfortable flirting with a random colleague on text from a dating site! I do live in a city as well. Oh I’m 54 but still dire at all aspects of this dating lark, usually finding dire men indeed. I love how this thread is all nice people, and like the good stories, and finding I’m not the only one who gets in dire situations! Wishing you all no more dire men but beautiful irons 😃

@Wanttobeonabeach I'm feeling such sadness and anger on your behalf about this man. He doesn't seem to want to hear or feel what you're saying to him! Deep down you know that this man isn't right for you, you should be feeling happy in these early stages and you aren't feeling this way. Hugs as I have been there myself and sadly he never changed so I had to let go. I hope you make the best decision for you and be kind to yourself whatever you decide

@Wanttobeonabeach you aren't going on when you can't get your own way. You are asking for reassurance and he isn't giving it to you. He is just turning it around and trying to make you feel bad for wanting the reassurance. You have done nothing wrong and he is showing a very unattractive side to himself. I know it will hurt but I think you should end it.
You don't want to be with a man who you feel like you can't talk to when things are bothering you. You want a man who will make you feel reassured and secure in the relationship. Be kind to yourself and you are worth so much more than him

He's going on. I've had to explain I'm not having a go. He says it's all about me and I have no consideration for what he's doing

Saying I need too much reassurance. I don't...I need a bit though

I don't think there is an age algorithm, that doesn't make sense. People put in their own age parameters and surely it simply shows everyone in that category?

@Wanttobeonabeach

He/the relationship isn't making you happy, is it?

Sorry wanttobeonabeach but he sounds incredibly selfish. He is not willing to give you anything you need, even when you're brave enough to come right out and say it. He will not change. This relationship will make you feel worse and worse if you stay. You must value yourself and get out. It will be hard but you will be much better for it when you're over the initial hurt. We're all rooting for you!

@Wanttobeonabeach. He doesn’t and will never care for you enough to make you happy. I’ve recently split with this type of man and they don’t understand other people’s feelings.

As hard as it is leave him be and move on with your life.

I've tried haven't I. I said he was reacting cruelly and he says " yes let's get into name calling "

I have said he makes me feel awful for having basic needs. He's not replied, says it all.

And it's all about me wanting my own way. I've been in bits.

That's it now. I imagine he won't be in touch now to basically punish me. It makes me feel so bad about myself. Please tell me I'm not unreasonable? Is this all about me?

@Wanttobeonabeach You aren't being unreasonable at all. You have asked for reassurance, he isn't giving it to you and is turning it around to try and make you feel bad when it should be him feeling bad. He is just turning it around and trying to make you feel bad for wanting the reassurance. You have done nothing wrong and you need to hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. It is obvious to everyone on this thread how much you care about him and have tried to make this work.
He is the one in the wrong not you. Be kind to yourself

He sounds abusive. Asking you to talk to him and when you do, he belittles you.

And punishing you by ignoring you? Idiotic.

Move on. Find a grown up!

No not happy...he's ignored my last message. I think I've been honest as asked but to be told it's all about me isn't very nice. He has a way of making me feel terribly guilty for speaking up.

I'm not going to contact him again. I can almost predict that tomorrow he will message me saying I'm too needy etc and let's finish it.

I won't argue, it would have taken less time to just say - I do care about you than all the texts making me feel bad. It did take a lot of courage.

I don't think I do need loads of reassurance as he says but I do need to feel wanted, and being binned off to order furniture with no apology doesn't make me feel that.

Pointless explaining...he doesn't want to hear or care.

Tomorrow I may need to post, I can predict what will happen unfortunately and it will make me feel wors, or I will be stone walled.

@Wanttobeonabeach

Post all you want this thread is for support and sometimes tough love.. which leads me to this .

No man - NONE is worth the agony you are putting yourself through. The conversations now are pointless- when it gets to this stage you have to exit gracefully. Let him go. Don’t want for his stonewalling. You let him go.

Asking for advice. My fab iron told me on second meet- that he’s come off Fab- he says because of Covid etc but then added because I’ve met you and I’d quite like to see you again and again. He’s younger, very polite and the sex is pretty good BUT. We’re both some time poor with clashing childcare challenges that it’s been difficult to meet. I’m not even sure what the ? is at this point. I guess I’m wondering whether you can be exclusively casual ?

Wantobeonthebeach- he’s not a healthy communicator - you are putting all the work in - you are upset most of the time - he’s not worth it - he throws you a few crumbs -
You said you like to “fix” people - please look at the CODA website - you may find it interesting/helpful - it’s for people with co-dependent traits - putting our needs to one side and we focus on others -
He’s only giving you 20% - he’s frustrating you - imagine your future with him - PURE MISERY.
You can respectfully tell him - it’s not working for you - we can’t meet each other’s needs -A please note - you are not needy wantobeonthebeach.

@Wanttobeonabeach
Why are you waiting for him to finish it? So you can have the familiar feeling of abandonment?

Take the bull by the horns and end it now.
He's told you that you need too much reassurance even though you're not actually asking for much.
He isnt the guy for you, you're priorities in a relationship are so different that it cant possibly work.

Honestly finishing with him will stop all this toing and froing and angst you are going through.

@Myfabby
A lot of people have casual things/fuck buddies/friends with benefits and are exclusive.

The two can go hand in hand.

Others think it is basically a relationship without the title but if it works for you then its fine.

Personally during Covid i would like it if a guy asked for exclusivity while casual because at least you know he is not meeting loads of people and risking transmitting Covid to you.

What do you want?
Do you want the option to see others or are you happy to be exclusive?

Want to be in the beach - I have recently given up on a long term casual. He was very like your iron in terms of communication, once over Xmas when I understood I’d be going over in the evening. Consistently, like this with texts, despite suggesting he’d be there to rant at if I had a bad day etc, it seemed like a huge favour when he ever was! I spent literally a couple of years effectively chasing, or feeling anxious. You don’t continue like this, your self can’t do it, for me I got accustomed to it, liked the lack of contact as much as he did, then more than he did till the whole thing was pointless though rumbled on, as I felt the casual side suited me. It wasn’t all bad for me, but I have started to realise I’m not that clear what normal connection now looks like, even with first off texting, and am a bit annoyed with myself that the benefits weren’t worth hanging around for as a/it would have been good not to be anxious for ages and b/ what was the point of it all? I like my own company and feel better without having that disconnected weird habit. It’s already a bit of a habit, but if a chase for you - I get the competition element as I’m still a master at it way too old, but you’re so much better than this - cut it off before it progresses to more anxiety and pointlessness - it is hard but so worth it, more quickly than you may imagine. Be kind to yourself.

sorting I really don't want to get in touch with him at the moment....especially as he ignored my last message and isn't willing to communicate.

It's impossible to communicate with him. I don't want to put myself through being the one to get in touch now, even if that is to finish it.

If he does get in touch to finish it I will be upset but it will be for the best.

He's made me feel shitty for asking....all about me apparently when I'm not getting my own way ( ie seeing him in person).

@Wanttobeonabeach I really don’t understand why you are not getting in there first and dumping his sorry selfish ass by text. Have agency.

Agree with the other posts. Take control @Wanttobeonabeach and end this miserable relationship. You will need to block this one though as he won't let you go easily. You have been meeting his needs with minimal efforts from his side. If you let him he will continue to do the hot and cold dance for a long time. Leaving you confused and miserable. Ans each time he graciously takes you back the terms will be more in his favour and you will be accepting less and less. I did this for 5 years!!!! 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell him this isn't working for you. You need an emotionally mature man who recognises and meets your needs. Then block his number so you aren't constantly waiting for his reply. Don't agree to meet him. Don't let him keep you dangling. Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl twice. Once to recognise him and be angry by how he's treated you. And then again and recognise you and your behaviours and why you have accepted this treatment.

‘we’re not compatible and this is not working at all for me. I hope you find what you’re looking for, take care now.’ Then delete chat and block.

@Wanttobeonabeach
That makes no sense, its precisely because he isnt communicating with you that you need to end it.

If you dont all that will happen is you will spend all day on edge waiting for him to message and your anxiety will be sky high.

He is stonewalling you because you dared to tell him about your needs.

If he doesnt message today then you'll spend all of tomorrow highly anxious too.

It cannot be good for your physical or mental health to let it drag on.

You've said yourself you have dumped men before so you can do it.

@SortingItOut thank you. I’m actually not seeing anyone else- I think my concern was that why should he get to determine when/ if we go exclusive. Maybe I’m just hyper sensitive from past relationships. The way he said I’m gone off Fab was as though he was expecting me to say - yes me too. And even though I had ( it was so overwhelming )I didn’t feel like I had to tell him