Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Just re-reading the thread rules and reminding myself above all other thinks not to over invest!which admittedly I am guilty of every time 🤦‍♀️

Hi all, can I have some help with a dilemma?

I went on a date with an iron last week - it went fairly well, and he messaged me the day after to suggest we met for a walk another time. I said that I would like to and asked him to tell me when worked for him. No reply. Since then, I have messaged him once just to check in, to which he instantly replied. However there are no firm date plans yet.

Since then I have not messaged him, because I figure I don't want to do all the chasing. But I am conscious of another lockdown and I would like to date him again. Do I chase? Or trust the fact that if he really did want a second date, he would get back to me?

Bluezoo123 I absolutely relate - I am a shocker for over-investing too soon. Historically I have been known to find myself daydreaming about a wedding after one date! I have to work really hard to keep myself in check.

@thisoneday

Personally I wouldn’t message again - if you were clear when you asked him to pick a day for the walk and he didn’t reply then he’s either:

• not that into you, maybe wanted to date someone else more.

• flaky and needs organising.

Even if you do go out again he’s not the kind who would be reliable in confirming.

@thisoneday I am similar to you!🤣

thisoneday I do that too! Sometimes before I've even been on a date with them!

Men who lie about their age in order to sip into younger women's feeds on the app - because they don't identify as being as old as they actually are...

What's the general feeling on these blokes and their approach?

My last bf who turned out to be mad, bad and sad revealed he was 10 years older than the ago stated on his profile when we first spoke on the phone.
With hindsight I thought 'Shame I did it bin him off because of this barefaced untruth before I'd met him'

A potential iron I spoke to on the phone recently did the 'Oh yes by the way I'm not 47 I'm 55' and I brushed it off at the time but now thinking I can't be doing with liars as a stickler for truth and where would we be if everyone was marketing themselves as younger than they are.

Just because he wants to boff younger women and wants to be included in their feeds doesn't mean they'll want to boff him.

Am I being unkind? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

Nope, no liars for me thanks. It's no way to start a relationship.

@Ruralbliss we don’t always have to be not unkind - isn’t that how women so often get caught out, we’re brought up to be ‘kind’ and therefore put up with all sorts of shit, including lies. 8 years is a big fat lie and you don’t like lies, so logically you bin him off.

I don’t think this is a case of unkindness unless you would never have swiped on him as a 55 year old.

Age is just a number and if you are owning your fitness, appearance and attitude to life that will come across in your photos and profile.

I go with honesty as a post 50 bloke because I’m not interested in someone that judges on age (or height). I’d be disappointed if someone lied about their age substantially but forgiving if they’d done it just by a bit to avoid the drop off that occurs when you slip over the threshold of a new decade. Ultimately if I swiped and we’re getting on very well it doesn’t matter too much.

I think on the early days of OLD "everyone did it" (I never did). But now, it's different, it's used by so many more people and for so many more things and online profiles exist far more than they used to - it's no longer a thing people do.

Hasn't someone on the thread said that when you hit a certain age you become invisible on the apps and so a number of people stay under 50. But tell the people they are talking to straight away. If it's just about the algorithm of the dating app it wouldn't bother me. As long as they were upfront with me at the beginning.

Thanks everyone

@HairyArsedMan I would have swiped on him as he's lovely looking but he'd have not been presented to me as I've asked Tinder for people under 53 only.

Tbh I might let this one slide.
He's a bit far away from me plus hasn't got kids (which I can never decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not for me), rides a motorbike (again trying to decide if I screen out on bikes as I love them but know too many people killed/paralysed whilst riding which I don't want in my life) AND revealed himself to be considerably shorter than my favourite.

I don't think it's meant to be.
Presumably he's used to breaking the news to women he's not the age stated.
It's such a disappointment when someone says it 'Ah yes. About being 47. Errrr actually I'm a bit older than that'

When I was 55 - 57 I put 54 just so I didn't get cut off by the 55 algorithm. There's no way I'd have put 47-49, it's a mad lie and sets you off on the wrong foot entirely.

@Ruralbliss way too many ifs and buts in that list I would have said!

@TiggerDatter too many ifs n buts to meet him or to bin him off?

Don't want the throw out the baby with the bath water!

Well I would bin him, but that’s me not you! I’ve certainly worked out that I need someone who has adult DC for instance because then he understands how much space they still take up in my head. The shortness wouldn’t worry me on the other hand, again I’ve learnt that’s just not an issue. The lying to get into a young woman’s pants: 🤢

Up to you!

Hello folks!
I've been in hiding for a week or so because I started a thread in AIBU. You'd think I'd know by now, wouldn't you....
Off to read up on everyone's exploits....

Hi guys!

I've had a bit of a hard day today but I've come to realise I care way more about my iron than he ever will about me ☹

I tried to broach the conversation earlier and said I was upset...instead of asking what was wrong he just made a joke out of it. I get no emotion from him and I feel very unwanted. I was going to explain it all again but after his jokey response I thought it's not worth it. He won't change...or isn't willing to try and meet my needs.

I get confused as sometimes he does say how much he cares etc and to talk to him, other times I get nothing. It's a classic case of hot and cold!!!!

I feel very upset and frustrated. It's constant hot and cold and it's a complete headfuck. Makes me question my own sanity really x

Sorry to go on...sometimes he says he's desperate for me to talk to him etc...other times when I want to he dismisses me. I think the problem is not having a clue what mood he will be in and the lack of consistency.

I'm just going to say something I think. Had enough now.

I think sadly he's telling you everything you need to know without actually saying anything @Wanttobeonabeach. How many times have you got to raise it with him ? He's not doing anything to reduce your anxiety or assuage your fears. He thinks that he's asked you for a bit of space and you haven't heard him so instead of dealing with it again he's decided to just ignore. Sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands. I think you need to put your feelings and needs first. Tell him in words of one syllable how you're feeling and see what reaction you get.

I just tried to explain I wanted to talk.

He said " it's always about what you feel is more important isn't it"

I said no it's not at all it's both.

He said he isn't up for this conversation.

wanttobeonabeach
You must be in a terrible state at the moment- I'm getting rushes of anxiety just reading your posts! I have a feeling that the blessed sense of relief you feel when you take the decision to cut this one loose will be amazing for you.

I know what it's like- I was seeing someone over and after lockdown, and he seemed so nice and decent on the tin...I put his uncomfortable messaging gaps and not confirming until several hours before a date down to just general laid back flakiness, but I look back now and think "Well, for a seeming "nice guy", I don't think anyone has succeeded in winding me up to that extent". We're talking sleepless nights, constantly checking my phone...it was horrible. I know some of it was the circumstances of lockdown, but he ended up dumping me, ans in retrospect I just feel relief about not being kept on tenterhooks any more.

Not much to report in my love life, because I'm still holding off going back on the apps, due to a fit of "not being bothered" ness. This is, mostly, because I'm having cracking text chats with about 3 blokes from Fab, 2 of whom are in Darkest Wales right now (I know, I know. Stuck in long text conversation limbo ). I am genuinely enjoying the conversations though. One of them suddenly announced he has bought a house back down here (it was at auction), so we're planning a meet in a couple of weeks, when he comes down. I do hope we get on, nothing more fun than having a good nose round someone's new house!

The other is Mr BigCityBoy, and I have to say, reference vagueness in arrangements, that he is the absolute opposite, and I wholeheartedly admire his decisiveness in arranging dates. He "booked" me for a weekend away in 2 weeks time, a week ago. Seeing as he is only a FWB, I can now relax in the knowledge that that is in the diary, and we don't have to communicate constantly, only when I feel like chatting. God, if only all men were that straightforward....

@Wanttobeonabeach, I agree with crackofdoom I think you need to be kind to yourself and walk away from this guy. His language is not pleasant or reassuring. And the effect he's having on you sounds genuinely not worth it.

He says he doesn't like me going on when I don't get my own way. Honestly I am so upset.