Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Wanttobeonabeach I don’t want you to feel piled upon by this thread as I know everyone has your best interests at heart. I think to protect your heart you need to consider letting this one go. That feeling of rejection over and over will mess with you so much especially given your abandonment issues. It’s like reliving that abandoned feeling over and over and it’s not good for you. He is someone who retreats and he’s doing it to protect himself but you are leaving yourself wide open with no one protecting you.

I think pull back and maybe draw on your friends a little make a few plans for the week. If he asks is something wrong tell him - don’t fear how you will look or what he will think. If he can’t offer comfort and reassurance then I think you have to let it go for your own head and heart.

Aw thank you. I'm 38...2 DC. He's 45 2 DC.

I think I am a little nearer to a plan, although I know I'm overly emotional I still don't feel he's meeting any of my needs and hasn't done for a long time. I want him to change and put me first. I have really really tried to communicate I need a little reassurance but whenever I do that he seems to do the opposite. I just want to feel a little bit wanted and I just feel like a chore. I do think I've been patient and kind.

I could try and explain again but I don't think it will get me anywhere and just make me feel worse. If he asks I'm not going to lie, I will tell him however bad it makes me feel. I expect he will he in touch later so tonight could be bad. I try and bite my tongue but then I feel worse. Just feel I can't win really.

We get on amazing when we are together that's why it's hard. Thank you for all looking out for me. I think zozobo is right here. I'm trying to help him all the time but mo one is here for me and this relationship is just making me worse. x

sorting sorry missed your questions. I have a few friends, getting back into the gym etc but WFH not doing me any good.

I was fine on my own before this man..I was stable. It is like reliving my old issues every day 😪

@Wanttobeonabeach
You told him your needs are not being met and he ignored that and retreated.

That tells you all you need to know.
You cant change him, this is who he is.

You will never get your needs met by him.
Some women would be fine with thst but some wouldnt.
I think you are in the latter catergory.

Find someone who likes you and shows you that.

@Wanttobeonabeach
I dont think many people cope well with working from home all the time so its not surprising its affected you.

Is your employer allowing anyone back in the workplace?

Are they offering any wellbeing services to help people cope?

Are you craving the familiarity of being abandoned?
When your general mental health is low we crave the feelings of what we know even if its negative.

You keep telling him he isnt meeting your needs, he retreats, you feel abandoned, the next day you do it again, he retreats, you feel abandoned. It reinforces your feeling of worthlessness.

Its like a spot we keep picking at even though we shouldnt.

Wise people of the dating thread please repeat to me:

You will move on and not call him
You will move on and not call him

Ad infinitum. Thank you.

@DilemmaDerby you will move on and not call him

@DilemmaDerby

You will move on and not call him
You will move on and not call him

Move on and not call him!! 🙂

sorting no no one is in the office and no help with WFH.

I think maybe I am as you say doing what's familiar to me unfortunately. Maybe it's best I say nothing. I know he will be in touch later though and it just makes me feel worse when I say something and get nowhere. Not a good cycle is it.

@Wanttobeonabeach

www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/7-simple-tips-to-tackle-working-from-home/

There are some great hints and tips on how to cope with working from home all over the internet.

What would happen if you didnt tell him how you're feeling and just kept it plain and simple, not lying but just not telling him he isnt meeting your needs and see how he is?

This is only for one night while you gather your thoughts together.

If he acts the same then tomorrow you could raise it.

Personally I'd be ending it tonight, its stressful just reading about it never mind living it. I cant imagine how much adrenalin is coursing through you right now.

Please take care and look after yourself.

sorting think you are right. I don't think I'm I'm going to say anything tonight unless he asks.

Thanks for the link...I will look into it, much appreciated.

If he does ask I will say and he mentally prepared to walk away 😪

@DilemmaDerby you will love on and not call him!

@Wanttobeonabeach sorry you are still struggling with this-sending more hugs. If his behaviour doesn't improve I can't see how he is going to be worthy of a relationship with you.

Update from me - date was bloody amazing! Actually hotter than on photos/phone. So well-spoken, well-mannered - sure he's going to end up breaking my heart! Plans to meet again at weekend...

Typo* MOVE on and not call him!

Haha thank you, god didn’t think I’d be back here again. Might kick my wounds a bit before rejoining you online.

@Bluezoo123
Glad you had a great date, sounds promising.
Did you just do drinks tonight?

Whats the plan for Saturday?

@DilemmaDerby
We're here whenever you need us.

If you want to talk there will always be a listening ear on this thread.

@SortingItOut will pm you!

I agree with pps @Wanttobeonabeach it’s like this guy is triggering all of your anxiety issues.

How many meets have you actually had?

I’ve been where you are so really know where you’re coming from, but sometimes someone pushing our emotional buttons/insecurities is easy to confuse for “love” if we didn’t grow up with good relationship patterns.

It’s like you’re trying to prove yourself worthy of this guy by supporting him and thinking 24/7 about how not to annoy him and he’s not even bothering letting you know he’s cancelled a date

Negative emotions and bad relationship patterns can be addictive - having highs and lows can be addictive.

It seems hard to break out when you’re in the interaction, but try communicating more with him honestly and openly and I think by his response you’ll get an idea of what you need to do next.

bunkbed met him before lockdown, then kept in touch throughout then been seeing him regularly ish since July.

I think you are all correct....I am worried about annoying him...whilst neglecting myself. I will try and bring it up but when I have before he just says it's not me etc.

One good thing I learned @Wanttobeonabeach is that people can be caring and polite MOST of the time, or nice and considerate, or have a caring job or be good at saying the right things (sometimes).

but if they’re not making me happy they’re not making me happy?

It’s been quite a long interaction so I imagine he has some attractive qualities, is good at keeping connected and making you feel special when you DO meet. Like you said he’s done some nice things like offer you advice on jobs etc.

So that’s the side of him you DO want.

But he’s also the him who says he prefers to look at furniture online than meet you for a quick coffee, and just randomly wants breaks from you when he’s stressed.

You don’t have the power to change him to the him you DO want. Most people don’t really change their relationship style after a certain age.

@DilemmaDerby

You don’t even want to call him do you? You’ve already moved on and the healing process is beginning and a fresh start is waiting for you. Well done

I joined Bumble yesterday... WOW! It is SO much better than Tinder. I've got a lot of matches, but that happens on Tinder too but most don't speak on there, I half expected the same so sent Hello messages to most so that I could then I match the non talkers... they all replied and now I have so many conversations on the go it's frazzling my brain!

@30somethingandstillsingle

Enjoy your bumble introduction! I met MrCountry on bumble though it’s early days yet it’s been a good experience so far.