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Original poster

Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

996 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 16/09/2020 22:44

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

OP posts:
Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 11:58

I don't want to be the only one putting in effort here though. I think what someone said about matching his is a good idea. I can just tell that he will say / do something if I don't say anything though. Probably say I'm not being honest.

Can't win I feel!

Original poster
Dancerinthemoonlight · 07/10/2020 12:03

@cinnamongirl1 I don't think men in the 27-37 category know how easy it is for a woman to find just sex/casual sex. I have had men literally give me their numbers on tinder in case I change my mind. Like you, I am not opposed to casual sex and have done it in the past but I am looking for more than that. I think you are right in that all we can do is keep on keeping on

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 07/10/2020 12:06

It's not a competition @Wanttobeonabeach
The early stages of dating are when we work out if we are compatible past the initial attraction. You haven't said anything positive about this relationship so it's hard to see how you are compatible.

Frenchlady14 · 07/10/2020 12:33

Wanttobeonabeach I really really feel for you here but I think you will suffer 'death by a thousand cuts' if you continue with this Iron. Sometimes it's hard to step back - but it seems that you are much more into him than he is into you - it's hard to hear I know. If he genuinely wanted to see you - especially as you have offered as he is unwell - he would make the time and headspace to arrange something. Things can go on like this for days and days and you will get ever more despondent. Sometimes no message is a message and I have learnt that the hard way believe me. Even if you carry on with this, it will cause you heartache if he is the kind of man that can take you or leave you, which sadly it looks like he is. Be kind to yourself and back off and see if he comes to you. I know what its like checking your messages every five minutes, especially if you work from home and the disappointment when days go by until you give in and send one. But you did do that and he still didn't have any comfort for you. Start to disconnect in your head if you can. It's horrible when you get that sinking feeling when you know it's been too long since his last contact. It's better to come to terms with it than keep putting yourself through this. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug my lovely xx

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 13:24

@Frenchlady14 thank you....it's making me a bit teary.

I think that is the crux of it that I'm more into him than him me, no matter what he says. It's a horrible feeling to have to deal with.

I can only put so much into this though and I've really really tried as hard as I can. I'm going to try and detach from him as best I can. He will know something is wrong though and may ask....that's where i don't know what to say. I don't want to pretend everything is fine if he directly asks x

TiggerDatter · 07/10/2020 13:39

All you can do is be honest in your reply if he asks, @Wanttobeonabeach, then take it from there: you’re giving him the space he wants and you’re also taking the space you need.

Notcoolmum · 07/10/2020 14:07

Why would you pretend if he asks you what's wrong @Wanttobeonabeach? You are disengaging for your own mental health. Do you think the relationship is worth continuing, having accepted it's not equal?

Notcoolmum · 07/10/2020 14:09

Just one question @Wanttobeonabeach if that's ok. What have you tried really, really hard at?

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 14:17

I mean I've tried to be supportive to him..he's had various problems, issues etc. I've always tried to listen to him, support him and I'm also understanding his schedule isn't as flexible as mine. I've basically put my own needs aside to accommodate him.

He does listen to me and support me in some ways but now I've said I don't feel a priority his actions today have made me feel even more like that. I would have hoped that when I said yesterday I'm feeling a little insecure and just want some reassurance it would be freely given.

If he does ask though and I go on again about how I'm feeling it's not going to change anything is it? He's not going to suddenly change. I don't want to lie though.

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 14:20

I'm not sure if it's worth continuing. I don't want to be too hasty because of his injury.

Original poster
Dancerinthemoonlight · 07/10/2020 14:28

@Wanttobeonabeach you don't have to lie and pretend everything is fine. I would tell him how you are feeling because of everything that has happened and accept that he probably isn't going to change. I don't think you are being too hasty, everyone has a breaking point and you have reached yours.

Something that I learned recently was the match an irons energy; if they are putting in 30% then you put in 30%. Of course in a long relationship there are going to be days where you can't give 100% but you do all the other times. You can't always give 100% if you are only getting 30% back as you will feel worn out all the time, that your needs aren't being met and that you are putting so much more effort into it than the other person.

OP posts:
Onesmallstep67 · 07/10/2020 14:38

You can't always give 100% if you are only getting 30% back as you will feel worn out all the time absolutely spot on @Dancerinthemoonlight.
@Wanttobeonabeach, you sound lovely and your hopes and intentions for the relationship are clearly coming from a good place. Right at the moment your iron isn't matching that, maybe for all the reasons he has given or maybe because he's not feeling it. In my mind you have two clear choices- wait and see if he just needed the time and space or tell him again how you're feeling and see how he responds.

Notcoolmum · 07/10/2020 15:17

I wondered if that's what you meant @Wanttobeonabeach and I think it is all about mismatched wants and expectations. Does he ask for support or have you provided it as this is your view of how a relationship works? I wouldn't see his injury as a reason to prolong things. You've offered to go to his and he said no. So the injury isn't stopping you from seeing each other.

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 15:31

He does ask yes with some things...I don't provide it unsolicited. He has said he's struggling mentally at the moment and he deals with this on his own etc. I just feel, yet again it's all about what he wants / needs and feel very shut out.

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 15:33

He says the injury is making him feel low and he needs to be on his own but it's nothing to do with me and he wants me to know that. I just feel neglected / rejected and he knows I'm struggling a bit too and would like to see him.

Frenchlady14 · 07/10/2020 15:56

wanttobeonthebeach You can see the imbalance ... You are thinking of him and he is thinking of him.

Doesn't seem at anyone is thinking of you ...

WeWantTheFinestWines · 07/10/2020 17:27

Oh wanttobeonabeach I think I'm exactly like you. I need reassurance and to be safe in the knowledge that he wants to spend time with me as much as I do him. But as everyone says, it is making you feel insecure and anxious and needy, when a brand new relationship should be making you feel excited and loved up and wanted!

You are being completely fair and reasonable. It sounds like he is in a completely different place mentally. It's fine if he needs some time on his own - but it's not fine that he doesn't then recognise how that might make you feel and let you know that he'll miss you and he'll be looking forward to seeing you again when he's better.

I think you need to tell him. If he can't handle it, you're better out of this relationship than in. If he can and gives you what you need, great! But this way you're torturing yourself, waiting for something to change that maybe never will.

Big hugs and hand hold Flowers

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 17:43

Thank you x x I feel like I've taken over today but am so very grateful for your advice.

I think you are right and I do need to say something. I just don't know how to word it without making it seem like it's all about me when he is in such a bad way.

SortingItOut · 07/10/2020 18:58

@Wanttobeonabeach
Even if this current issue irons itself out you need to remember that when his mental health isnt great he retreats and doesnt want to see you.

Living with or dating someone with mental health issues is hard work.

You sound like you're a fixer and it appears he doesnt want to be fixed as he can fix himself.

If you've always been a fixer it is hard not to be, i was a fixer in my marriage, my husband had severe mental health problems.
Never again will i be with someone with mental health issues, i came last with everything and I'm not prepared to do it again.

You mentioned previously abandonment issues, have you had counselling or treatment for this?

The current situation is dire and your needs are not being met but it does seem you fall hard and fast for guys.

A few of us have asked what your life is like outside of this man but you havent answered, i know your anxiety is sky high and you might have just missed it but we ask from a place of concern.

A man should enhance our already great lives and not be the main thing in our lives.
If it is the latter you end up dependent on them for your own happiness and that is not healthy.

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 19:03

Em...the thing is I don't normally fall.this hard. I've dated a lot and finished things if they aren't right...I've never been like this before with a man ☹ it's always been me that will leave if I'm not happy but with this one it's different somehow.

Yes...abandonment issues...I've had counselling which didn't help, been put on meds which didn't help. I'm not sure what to do but I'm very upset x

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 19:04

My life is a bit lonely...WFH on my own. Have a few friends but I have way too much time on my hands I think.

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 19:11

I am a fixer yes...I try to help people.

When he doesn't want to see me it just makes me feel so rejected

Wanttobeonabeach · 07/10/2020 19:12

That's how it is isn't it...coming last sorting...feel like you are giving everything and getting little back.

Onesmallstep67 · 07/10/2020 19:32

Do you think it would help us to understand your situation if you gave us a bit more context @Wanttobeonabeach? A rough idea of your age bracket, DC, his situation? It seems like we're all pretty much offering the same advice because we can sense this is affecting you. Are you any closer to a plan ?

SortingItOut · 07/10/2020 19:36

@Wanttobeonabeach
Do you think you've fallen hard because he isnt given you signs he likes you so he is a challenge or does he have other amazing attributes?

In an ideal world a new guy will be slotting in to the spare time you have to offer rather than you being available all the time.

Do you have any interests? Any old hobbies you stopped but could start again?

Time on your hands is the worst thing ever and doesnt help anxiety and over thinking.
Maybe the counsellor wasnt right for you?
Medication only helps bring you up to an even keel to function day to day, it wont sort the underlying issues.

Could you try a different counsellor?

It is tough to stop being a fixer, my boyfriend has his life together and is very self sufficient, i still find it a novelty that i dont have to fix anything.
I actually love it, we are just 2 people in a relationship with no one needing to be the fixer or to fix the other.

Not being needed plays havoc with our feelings but its actually nice to not fix all the time.

I was already married before i realised the extent of my husbands mental health so i didnt know i woukd always come last.

You are so early on in this relationship and you're already last, it doesnt bode well.

Even when i had a year of casual sex/fuck buddies I made sure i was first all the time, i expected good communication and mutual respect including messaging most days. If they couldn't offer that they were binned.

When i left my husband my self esteem and confidence were through the floor but now they are through the roof because i made sure my needs and wants were met by myself primarily and occasionally by a man.

You are the prize and you deserve to be treated right.

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