Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Ruralbliss, I was only using Tinder the last time I was on any apps and (very unlike me usually) I would just unmatch. If I had got into a conversation but wanted to back out I would sometimes use the reason Eesha uses, say I had clicked with someone over messages and was going to see how things developed/don't like chatting to multiple people.

I spoke to him.

He said he can't drive anywhere tomorrow fair enough and wants a week to get better. I offered to go to him and he said no, he just can't deal with it at the moment when he is like this.

He says it's nothing to do with me but I feel completely rejected 😪

@Ruralbliss Think about how you felt when your chap ghosted you. Even if it's just one date or a text conversation, it's always better to leave someone knowing where they stand if you think there's not enough there. I know it's difficult as rejected blokes can get out of hand. But for everyone that gets out of hand, I'm sure there will be a half dozen or so that will appreciate the clarity and honesty e.g "Really sorry but I have decided not to take things further (maybe insert inoffensive reason that is nothing to do with them personally) and will wish you good luck on your dating journey". I think the alternative - them being cut adrift without them knowing they've been cut adrift - is unkind especially if they've started to like you.

@cinnamongirl1, I'm not in your age bracket so difficult to comment on men of that age and why they might be that way with you. It is a pretty common complaint on here although I would say some of us have met guys who are not just looking for sex, across the age range from what I know.
I would also say that IMO how people view dating, relationships and sex has evolved significantly in more recent years. Sex in particular is something that can now very much be enjoyed in its own right and not everyone feels the need to be in a RS to seek it. Some people are cool with casual and it's really what works for you. Since my DH passed away my 'dating' journey has been for the most part unexpected and liberating.

@cinnamongirl I'm late 30s and felt exactly the same of lots of guys. I met a nice guy about 10yr younger who was really nice, honest, would answer anything etc but he said he didnt want a relationship and preferred being single. we agreed to just be friends and have done for about 1 yr, some flirty chat etc. however it's become clear that he is only friends on hope of coming round for a shag sometimes. I offer food and a movie but apparently he cant trust himself not to do anything else 🙄. also now says he thinks hes found a girl for a relationship.

I get that not everyone is suited but felt we got on well and if we werent suited why want sex. I just dont get casual at all.

I asked him why this was and why he never attempted to 'date' me but wanted to Dtd. it's the only question he has never answered 😔

@Ruralbliss I don't think I'm matching before having moved off the apps is ghosting. I'd either unmatch, let the conversation day or send a quick 'thanks but no thanks, good luck with your search' message.

@Wanttobeonabeach how long is a few months? How has it worked over lockdown? From the outside it looks like he wants something different to you. He feels secure in you so doesn't see the issue in him cancelling. And he isn't into you enough to want to change his plans. Is the injury genuine? It also sounds like he's quite down. Maybe he isn't in the right headspace for a new relationship. Have you read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl? I recommend this a lot. But I think what is most important isn't analysing their behaviour but ours. Is this what I want from a relationship? Are my needs being met? Am I am equal player? And if the answers are no some introspection on why we are prepared to accept it.

*un matching...

It is genuine the injury yes and quite bad for him.

He's just said it's only a week we won't see eachother and he needs to be on his own when like this.

I just feel rejected...I've offered to go to him. He knows it's important for me to see him and I'm feeling a bit rubbish too.

Am I being mean here?

But no my needs aren't being met ☹ I feel bad though as he is poorly. If I say anything he will turn it around on me and I will end up apologising.

If I say anything he will turn it around on me and I will end up apologising

Honestly, why would you be with someone who makes you feel like that?

Because I don't know if I am in the wrong here. Am I expecting too much?

Honestly @Wanttobeonabeach I would just tell him the relationship does not meet your needs and wish him well. It is making you desperately unhappy and there is no evidence at all that this will change. You are not on the same page at all. You feel rejected and guilty and everything negative. What is the point of this? What’s in it for you?

@Wanttobeonabeach your expectations aren't wrong. They are what you YOU want out of a relationship. But they aren't what he wants. Or what he wants to give. You both appear to view this relationship with a different lens.

I'm very like you. If I like someone then I tend to jump in and they become a priority for me. This isn't what your iron wants. He seems to see you as a nice add on to his life. When he's not doing other things. He doesn't see you as someone he would go to for support. Or to prioritise seeing you over other things, such as buying new furniture. Neither is wrong. But it doesn't sound very compatible. Is this relationship working for you?

Thanks all.
Good advice there.

I like being truthful so I'll say I've clicked with a couple of fellas and have dates lined up and don't have the time/headspace to carry on multiple chats with other guys.

This sounds authentic, polite & respectful.

Thanks again.

It's hard because we get on well.

I feel ridiculous saying these things at the moment with how he is. It seems like it's all about me. I don't know how to put it across in a way he will understand. I'm not sure he wants to understand though. I think you are right notcool we do seem to be viewing this relationship completely differently.

I said yesterday how I felt a bit low and I wanted to see him etc. He said he is really poorly ( which is true) and just made me feel I was being demanding. Maybe I am!

@Wanttobeonabeach, none of us is feeling what you are feeling and for us it's easy to be objective but I think you need to be kind to yourself and take a step back. It's unlikely based on what he's saying at the moment that he's suddenly going to change his stance. He's asking for a bit of space to deal with his injury and other stuff. If you overload the situation I fear he will say or do something that will really upset you. Can you find a way to shift your focus away from him for a few days ?

@cinnamongirl1 I am mid to late 20s and I feel this way and have said that exact phrase on here before. You are doing nothing wrong and it is the men who think if they say the right thing and what they think you want to hear then you will sleep with them. Unfortunately I have no advice on how to change this other than to stick boundaries and what you want. They might be few and far between but there are men out there who want a relationship.

@Wanttobeonabeach I agree with all the other posters who say you need to be kind to yourself and take a step backwards from this relationship.
It is very easy getting caught up in liking so much and getting on so well when you are together that it is easy not to see the full picture and to think that you won't find someone like this again. You will find someone even better than them, it might hurt in the short term but in the long term you will be thankful that you ended it because he I causing you so much added anxiety.
Do you really want to be with a man who you can't tell how or what you are thinking because he makes you feel needy and demanding. I think you have said that you only see him once a week but would love to see him more often (apologies if I am mixing up posters) why don't you see each other more?
I know that I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't meet my basic needs in a relationship. A man should add to your life and your happiness not detract from it.

Thanks dancer and smallstep.

He has always asked me to be honest with him, I don't want to lose him but I'm not getting any of my needs met.

I might write him an email....or just take a step back. I think it would add to his upset with me going on at him right now, but it's causing me so much more anxiety not doing anything.

Thanks everyone. Dancer I agree about sticking to boundaries, it's just making me feel quite prudish having to turn down outright offers! I have no problem with casual sex and have really enjoyed it in the past, just feel as though it's something I don't really want at the moment. Keep on keeping on is the answer, I suppose.

@Wanttobeonabeach I would step back until Sunday, give the space and give yourself time/other things to do.

It will then help you decide/write with clarity

@Wanttobeonabeach my first reaction would be to take a step back. He's a new relationship. Someone you don't know very well. And yet you seem to have placed a lot of responsibility for your happiness in his hands. What were you doing before you met him? What other outlets do you have. I'd fill my evenings and weekends as much as I could with friends, hobbies, projects, books, tv box sets until I was a bit more centred in myself.

Or I would end it as my needs are being met and it's more healthy to feel so unhappy and anxious in what should be an exciting phase of a relationship.

Needs aren't being met. Sorry.

Yeah I will amuse myself for a few days and have a think.

It's more the way he says things...so matter of factly. I won't be seeing you etc...just no emotions there I don't feel.