Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@wanttobeonabeach how has it been with ur iron today?

Where do I start....he's injured himself quite badly, had to go to the hospital. He's very down about it and says he's feeling low. I doubt I will see him this week.

I know it's genuine but there always seems to be something....

How about you crazycat? Did you message yours?

I did Express my disappointment about being cancelled on but then he made me feel bad saying he has so much to do, he's now injured etc and feeling really down and I'm pressuring him. Says he does want to see me and it's not to do with me. He said he's quite depressed and when he is like this needs time on his own etc.

The difference I'm finding is when I feel low he cheers me up. When he gets in these depressive states he just wants to be on his own. I then feel rejected so it carries on round in circles.

@Eesha, was he with someone else last Christmas? I agree with Hairyarsedman it's quite early to be thinking about plans. Anything could happen in the next few weeks, not to your relationship but in life in general. FWIW I would feel pretty disappointed and a bit confused if Mr V was already telling me that he wouldn't be spending Christmas with me. I'm not taking that for granted as he has family around but I'd like to think we will make a plan for how to divvy up the time much closer to the day.
Is this an example of his autism that you have mentioned before ?

@wanttobeonabeach hmm he sounds similar to mr big! if I was I'll I'd love someone to cheer me up offer to help. I think, suppose it depends how ill. we have just been messaging chit chat today, trying not to get worked up about it.

@eesha apologies, how long have you been together? I was thinking christmas plans were early. I'd love to plan now but dont think a guy would.

@Onesmallstep67 the Xmas thing only came up just by chance and I said the offer was there to spend with me and my family. He did have a partner last Christmas and he feels this year is all about reclaiming his place as his own. His parents sound like very hard work so he doesnt want to go to them. He did say for me to come there though tbh i have toddlers so if he doesn't want to come over on the actual day, I'll just see him another day.

@Onesmallstep67 i also think the autism part does play a part too. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded if he had other plans but staying home alone made me make my offer!

Sounds similar crazycat if I'm ill I would appreciate being cheered up. They don't!

I feel drained by my iron...I haven't even given him a name. Mr W. He's very down a lot of the time and always says he needs time alone and nothing to do with me etc. He does have problems I know. Every time he dies this though I feel neglected and shut out. How do I deal with this?

I feel like I'm always asking after him and I care about him so dont mind but none of my emotional needs are being met ☹

If he wants time on his own, give him it. For good.

@Wanttobeonabeach I would be having serious thoughts about what he is brining to your life. From an outside prospective it doesn't look like he is making you a priority, he isn't meeting your emotional needs, is making you feel neglected, doesn't appear to be making you happy and is making you more anxious.
You are beginning to make excuses for how he is treating you. You are at the beginning of your relationship where he should be putting in effort to make you feel wanted and needed but he isn't. In my experience men like this never change.
You are sacrificing time that could be spent in a million other ways or with a man who makes you feel wanted. I think it is time to say goodbye to him and I know how much that will hurt

Oh dancer you are completely right ☹ everything you have said is spot on. I really like the guy though so it's very difficult. I'm also very empathetic and so do neglect my own needs if someone is having problems. My instinct is to want to help him but if he won't let me then you are right he won't change.

I have felt very very anxious recently, asked for reassurance and not got any. I think I've tried to look inwards to tell myself I'm being silly but it's a gut feeling I can't shake. I've not been normal carefree me, I've become a bit of a mess really.

I haven't felt like this about a man in a long time and I've dated a lot. I'm not sure what to do 😪

@Wanttobeonabeach, one suggestion is to match his effort or enthusiasm. The other is to be everything that he isn't at the moment. Tell him you are there for him, happy to help in any way that you can and don't allow yourself to be dragged down by his current mood. Some people thrive on attention for lots of negative reasons. If he's down and quiet then I'd tell him I'm there, make the offer then step back. I'm not sure how much he's actually offering you at the moment. Everyone has difficult times and there should be give and take but I'm not sure that you are at that stage yet.

@Thepunkymate I think the reason people
Picked up on your teeth comment was because of how it was delivered. I'm sure you intended it to be humorous but actually it was quite cruel. I don't have great teeth and am a bit self conscious and I'd hate to think of someone mocking my smile. If he'd stood you up or been a dick on a date I'm sure many of us would have understood your comments but he'd been nice?

@Wanttobeonabeach I've missed how long you have been seeing your iron and what status your relationship is. From what you have described you are something he enjoys, but not something he prioritises. He is busy and doesn't mind that means not seeing you. That's fine for him. And might be ok for others. But doesn't seem to match what you want. Generally if something makes you feel this anxious it's mor working.

@Notcoolmum in that case I apologise and take back my insensitive comments.

I've re-read my post and don't see that it was intended to be humourless. In fact I've headlined it as a cautionary tale - there is definitely a lesson to be learned about what people don't show in their pics and to be prepared if meeting people in person that you might not find them attractive for whatever reason.

Apologies again for hitting nerves where I hadn't meant to. I'm fairly certain your teeth are fine.

Just hopping on to share that I am really excited to be meeting someone tomorrow! Completely over-invested as per usual no idea how not to do this but my gut feeling says he's a good egg. Not sure whether friendship, bit of fun (hopefully more than a one off!) or relationship material. Just video called after lots of messaging and sooo hot! Wish me luck!

@Wanttobeonabeach agree with others comments, some people just can't help but be emotionally draining. If he is taking more of your energy than he is adding positively to your life and your gut is screaming at you then you know what to do - listen to it! If you ignore it you will only end up kicking yourself later down the line for not ending things sooner - I am guilty of doing this too and am speaking from personal experience. Good luck.

@Wanttobeonabeach why don't you keep these things in mind and explain in person? He has explained he has a lot on his plate so just try and step back and let him deal with things and let him come to you. It sounds like your anxiety is taking hold of you and might not be necessary. People are always going to have other stuff going on.

Thanks all. His injury is still quite bad and I don't think he can drive atm so I don't think I will see him this week. I will offer to go to him but he likes to be on his own when he's not well ☹

I will have to wait until I see him again and try and explain.

notcoolmum we've been seeing eachother a few months now.

Just wondering what the consensus is on how to let matched people go once you decide you don't want to take the conversation further? (Ahead of giving out a phone number so still within the app)

I've had people unceremoniously unmatch me which always shocks me but I get over it in minutes but I've never done it to someone myself.

My preference is just to let the conversation dry up but see this could be construed as ghosting.

I matched with 5 potentials at the weekend and have spoken to 3, two of which I'm more interested in meeting than the other but will see all if schedules allow.

I haven't got the energy or time to message the ones who have given me info which makes me no longer interested in them.

How best to handle? What do you do?

Thanks

@Ruralbliss I tended to just leave them withering on the vine then have a clearout every couple of weeks. It’s not a big deal is it?

@Ruralbliss i always say I've met someone and don't want to talk to multiple people.

@Wanttobeonabeach
Cant believe he has injured himself, sounds like he has a lot going on.

What is your life outside of him like?
Do you work? Have hobbies? Friends?

I think it was clovertoast who had similar issues with her guy, her problem was exacerbated because when she didnt have her children she didnt have friends or hobbies to fill her time so if her boyfriend didnt see her for various reasons she took it personally and it was all she could think about.

Anyone able to suggest why, in my mid 30s, men on OLD are largely acting like teenagers. I will meet them, having made clear I am looking for a relationship not casual sex, and we will have a conversation, some laughs, they will compliment me but at some point start promptly pushing for sex or other physical stuff. I will politely turn them.down and then not hear from them again. What is so wrong with me that I am good enough for a shag but not relationship material? I have persevered and been doing this for 3 years. a few short flings and some 'situationships' have occurred but nothing where we have been mutually really keen. I've had plenty of relationships before this spell so wonder what has changed.