Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

I haven't caught up with the thread since my last post. Little update about my date with Mr Teacher. He was shorter than he said and a bit heavier than his pictures. Not massively so it wasn't an issue. We are fundamentally 2 very different people and have too many key differences. He will always live in the city while I couldn't imagine ever living in a city again, not really any common ground on films, sport or music and he is Mr Scrooge when it comes to Christmas (its funny if you knew his first name as thats the first thing that came to mind when he told me his full name) and I am basically Miss Christmas.

Overall it was a good evening and a good date, he would make someone very happy but not the right man for me

@Wanttobeonabeach

I think he does like you enough to continue the relationship

(which is why you’re confused and feel you’re getting mixed messages).

I mean the casual sex scene is often quite grim for men as well and it’s not like all men are keen to sleep around!

But of course everyone’s definition of expectations in a “relationship” are different.

He doesn’t want the hassle of having to change his life or schedule or personality not to upset you? 🤷‍♀️ So you need to decide based on that.

I always found this relationship/dating situation quite hard - because I’d automatically think I needed to change myself.

Especially if we had good dates or the guy was a good catch on paper , I’d think I was being “ungrateful”.

But actually I’m just who I am and that’s ok and I’m not a needy halfwit for wanting or feeling certain things.

Good you had a good date @Dancerinthemoonlight with a non weirdo.

@Bunkbedpeople thank you. It was a nice normal date with a normal person, nothing wrong just not the right man for me.

I did manage to pick up a huge bargain of 2 pairs of wedges for 75% off for next summer. I went shopping in the shopping center before the date and found the wedges I wanted to get in the summer but wouldn't pay full price on. Only size they had left was my size and a bargain at £5 per pair

Whoop whoop for bargains

Speaking of bargains and money. some nice messages from MrCountry today, letting him instigate.

We briefly talked about sexual exclusivity/dropping condoms before he left (he prefers without I don’t care but obviously we haven’t been tested so still using them)

so wondering if to briefly bring it up now?

Std tests are not running on the Nhs and private costs £70 postal.

I’d personally rather keep using condoms than pay that for now so wondering how to politely say “if you’re keen then it’s your shout”

Std tests are not running on the Nhs and private costs £70 postal.

Are you sure? I had a set a few weeks ago. In my area you register with the sexual health clinic and they post the kit to you, you do the samples at home and post it back, free. Results came by text a couple of days later. Simple. Assumed this was nationwide!

What area are you in @VanGoghsDog (broadly) ? My local website says not seeing anyone unless they have symptoms

(I haven’t phoned them so not sure if free postal is available and just something they’re not publicising)

East Midlands. I didn't notice if they are seeing anyone, I didn't want to see anyone anyway, I just opted for the postal service straight away. It definitely didn't say you needed symptoms because I'm a bit of a stickler for honesty and I couldn't have lied (and I don't have any symptoms).

This is it: www.icash.nhs.uk/where-to-go

Thanks for looking that up but I’m locationally challenged

We have good local services/funding in other areas but I’m stuffed here. My coil appointment took about three months to get so sexual health seems to be struggling.

Im thinking of just sending s brief non-commital “FYI, this is the situation so nothing to do for now but think about it when you get back ” message to MrCountry to let him know to think about this.

(Part of me is also wondering if it’s a woman’s mental load thing I should be doing or not).

@Bunkbedpeople I am in Essex and had one in August. My area is doing at home ones where they post the kit out to you. They didn't say you have to have symptoms, just asked basic questions.

(I’m not Nhs England so I do get some extra free shit just not these )

If you know anyone in those areas, they could order it to their address, post it on to you, you post straight back to the service, use their address but your phone number......

SENT the romantic STD/money message

(Basically just said this was the situation so he could think about it).

I think it’s good for me to experience how to have slightly awkward conversations early on - in the past I’ve been a bit too “cool girl” and regretted it later on.

@Bunkbedpeople
Us women worry so much about the contraception talk but its paramount to our sexual health.

If a man doesnt like it then he is not worth it.

@Bunkbedpeople I’m laughing at the ‘STD/money’ expression! Go you being all up front about it -it’s important. I just googled out of interest what it would cost in Ireland and it’s €149!! I’m fine with condoms on that basis 😆
I’m really feeling like Mr German is someone special and had hoped to meet again this weekend but the whole country is gone on bloody lockdown (5km travel restriction) and also my exes mental health has taken a turn for the worse and I don’t know if I can let him have the kids for the foreseeable😭
It’s feeling like he’s the right person at the wrong time and I’m so sad about it. I haven’t spoken to him yet and don’t know how to or what to say. We’ve only had 2 dates but comms are consistent, respectful and we are just so connected on many things.

Just feeling crap about it all today.

@ZoZoBo, that's so frustrating. I haven't seen the news but are they saying how long this new level of lockdown will go on for you ? Maybe you can up the phone calls or Facetime ? Although I knew Mr V from before lockdown he had gone AWOL. We reconnected and were only able to chat and call for about 3 months before the UK lockdown was lifted here back in June. Then we formed a bubble which we are still technically in as we're currently in a form of local lockdown.
If the connection is there I'm sure you will keep in touch with Mr German. You know that you both want it and fingers crossed the restrictions will be eased enough for you to meet again - soon. In a way I think it has the potential to actually bring you closer, seeking comfort and support in what are pretty challenging times.

Yeh the way I see it I’m happy with condoms so I don’t see why I should pay/take on mental load? He’s replied positively and said happy to organise (with a smiley face)

So I think it would be best to sit down when he gets back (if things go well on our reunion) and basically talk him through the site and order two together?

@ZoZoBo

Yeh possible new lockdown is a pain!not sure what your messaging style is with MrGerman but can you mention “quite lightly” how sad you are not to see him? Not like overdramatic just a statement so he’s aware how you feel.

It’s looking like 3 weeks to start with and hopefully that will be it but who knows. But as we only have the chance to see each other EOW it will be longer. I will suggest we move to more calls and video chats to get through it.
And Bunkbed while we haven’t been very feelings/ emotional with the chats I will tell him that I am sad that we won’t be able to see each other and hopefully he will feel the same.
I am also worried that this thing with my ex will drag on and I won’t be free to see anyone but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I’m just having a bad day and wallowing a bit

I was utterly annihilated by my best friend this morning for

Wasting my time meeting someone I know can't offer me a traditional boyfriend type relationship, I mean we are in a pandemic why would I risk it for nothing that great.

Thanks babes, thanks

Not that I'm meeting someone who's told me his situation, would like a regular FWB and fully knows I'd be continuing to date in the hope I'd find a relationship that suits me. Because I'm lonely and horny and need some affection on the meantime.

For context she was dating until she found the one 5/6 months ago (so yes through Covid) I fact she met people through lockdowns

Advice please: both anxious avoidants, can this actually work? I'm smitten and trying to avoid my usual patterns of running away. I'm pretty sure he has strong feelings and it's wonderful when we are together. BUT then statements like "i want to spend Xmas alone because I make great memories and then it ends" come up and I'm wondering whether this is all worth it.

statements like "i want to spend Xmas alone because I make great memories and then it ends"

I wouldn't be bothered if he wanted to spend Christmas alone but that statement is passive aggressive and trying to back you into a corner. Just too much hard work!

I thought he sounded depressed and self sabotaging. The argument he puts forward applies to any time spent together - things end and the memories may be tarnished. For what it's worth he is wrong - I have good and bad memories from relationships that ended.

So what's so special about Christmas ? Well, it's in the future and making a commitment to spending it with you causes him all sorts of difficulties it seems. I don't think you are being that avoidant @Eesha if you're raising the issue of Christmas plans, but perhaps it's better to discuss nearer the time when it is less of a future commitment ?

@HairyArsedMan yup, he just said he had been feeling low today. I think he feels this year would be nice to be alone at home, making new memories, but I think why be alone!?