Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

I spoke to him...told him. Didn't go well and didnt get any reassurance as such.

He didn't address my concerns as such. He's so closed off, I don't feel wanted. I tried to explain this. I just want him to say he does like me and not to worry. Nothing of the sort ☹

@Wanttobeonabeach

I'm glad you spoke to him, what happened?

The fact he gave you no reassurance is worrying.

I explained I was anxious and upset. I said about him and my job ( which is true). He was helpful with ideas about my job and phoned me but gave me no reassurance about 'us'. Just ignored it really . I mentioned Thursday and what we can do and he just seemed very unenthusiastic.

Men like him cannot change.
We all have our own love language and yours appears to be words of affirmation and his doesnt.

If he cant reassure you or even say he likes you when you're exclusive then its rather worrying.

Whats his relationship history?

His history was with someone 10 years. They split last year

He does seem to have a lot going on but his communication skills are not what you would like.

When you met what was he looking for?
A proper relationship or someone to hang out with when he felt like?

Do you know why they split?

I said I felt upset he cancelled but I do worry un necessarily and I dont mean to be having a go, I just want some reassurance really.

He's so helpful in other ways such as my job worries but just ignored what I had said about 'us'

Never apologise for your feelings or use them as an excuse for bringing something up.

We are all entitled to feel how we want whether that may annoy/upset soneone else.

They split as the grew apart...she finished it.

He is adamant he wants a relationship. His communication skills are terrible though. If he had come to me saying the same I would have reassured him.

He can be good with communication but I just don't feel appreciated or wanted. He called me which was nice to talk about my job issues but just ignored the us bit.

I just want him to say he likes me...is that so hard ☹ and to maybe apologise for letting me down

Can he really be good with communication?

You said yourself that you are the one who who messages to check you are both on for meeting up and he failed to tell you in advance he had stuff to do with his new house so didnt want to meet.
Thats not good communication.

If he is not saying or giving off signs that he wants you then presumably he doesnt want you.

If he keeps his feelings and emotions hidden in case he gets hurt then that clashes with what you want and need.

Honestly a relstionship this early on shouldnt be such hard work.

He hasnt apologised for letting you down because in his mind he hasnt.

Are you sure he doesnt see you as a casual thing?

What are your normal arrangements for meeting? Is it usually every Monday and Thursday?

He has been good previously before we got together properly.

I just want the guy to say he likes me, misses me or something. When I say I'm upset he cancelled I want him to say sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me. That's not too much is it? I know it's early days but still.....am I asking too much? ☹

@wantotbeonabeach sorry it didnt go well. what did he actually say when u said what u were looking for?

Thst was by text before the call. He literally didn't mention it and changed the subject to my job.

sorting I don't think so.. he told me he's come off the apps and he wants to give it a go with me.

Normal arrangements change week to week. Normally once a week, no set days.

Presumably he was good while chatying etc because he knows thats how you win a woman over....now he has you he has reverted to type which is bad communication.

You are not asking too much but clearly you are asking too much of him.

I feel your expectations of him are somewhat higher than he can achieve.

Just because he came off the apps doesnt mean he sees you as more than casual, he might just want to only sleep with 1 woman.

If you have no set days when did you agree to see each other tonight?
Was it the last time you saw him?
Was it a definite or was it that Monday might be good?

I last saw him friday and we agreed next night Monday.

We have now agreed Thursday. I might be overly needy here but I just want something.

Please stop saying you are needy.

You are not needy, however you do have needs that are not being met.

He isnt giving you what you want so of course you feel like this.

I would be pretty miffed too if a date was cancelled but only when i checked in to confirm.

Either finish with him now or keep yourself occupied with other stuff until Thursday and see how Thursday goes.

@Wanttobeonabeach

He is definitely good at communication in his way

he’s heard you but is telling you who he is - he doesn’t want to take on a certain role in your life and you should accept that ?

I don’t think he doesn’t like you, I think he wants to “train” you so you get the message you need to take what you’re given/accept how he is and he wants to see you but doesn’t want you to be a priority, doesn’t want to change?

Some women aren’t over-thinkers or anxious or have massive social lives of their own (or their main emotional relationship is with their mum or female friends and men are peripheral) and actually genuinely wouldn’t mind a guy like this.

He’d like you to be more like this.

Whether you want to or not is another question...🤷‍♀️

Yeah I told him I was insecure about things and had no reaction. That just makes me feel worse.

Maybe he's not right for me