Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Thought I'd brighten (or not) your Mondays with this cautionary tale...

Matched with a lovely looking and sounding iron - really liked his writing style and the stuff he was saying. As per my new method I gave him my phone number and said I was around all day so to give a phone call a go.
As it happened I ended up being on the phone to some of my mates for most of the day so although I saw his call coming in I couldn't take the calls.
Eventually after dinner he said he was going out so we'd try another time.

I then looked at his WhatsApp profile pic and saw that he had the most HORRENDOUS TEETH 😱🤢

OMG. Thank goodness I didn't find out on a first date in person. I'd have wanted to run away on marrying.

I'll be telling him of my mythical dating-sabbatical if/when he gets in touch.

That was close. Not sure how to get someone to reveal their teeth without being too blunt. Later that night I saw one bloke on Bumble had put on his profile 'seeking woman within gsoh and nice teeth' - I might add similar!

Not 'on marrying' (obviously) 'on arrival'

crazycatlady it's horrible isn't it. I'm also WFH with too much time on my hands.

That's the type of message I want to send....but without being overly dramatic.

Have you spoken to Mr Big about your insecurities? I'm not sure how to do it in an threatening manner.

I think you should maybe send the text....how often do you see him?

@Thepunkymate hmmm I can't really laugh at that story I feel a bit sorry for him.
You were well matched in message style, he was nice, he called when he said he would etc and you're going to ditch him with an excuse.
I get you have to fancy him, I get him not being your cup of tea is absolutely fine, but it just sounds a bit cruel how you're describing him. You don't owe him anything I know that, it just feels mean.
I'd hate to think I was being described on a forum somewhere so negatively .

I'm hormonal today so that's probably why !

@Wanttobeonabeach

Step back a bit, he may be busy, but he's not making you a priority. The busiest men in the world find time to run empires and have affairs. Let him chase you.

@Thepunkymate Yeah that sounds a bit unfair actually. I'm a big one on teeth too but your description seemed mean..

@Clovertoast I'll just tell him that he isn't doing himself a favour by not having his winning smile in any of his profile pics. I thought he was gorgeous. And he is but there's no way I'd be going anywhere near that mouth!

@wanttobeonabeach we met last year and history isnt great. met again at lockdown and last few months have been more serious.

dont see him often at all, he is very busy with work but normally does text general chit chat during day etc . but last week he was at hosp with son so obv couldnt a lot.now they're I'll again so hes a bit quieter again.

he knows I'd like to meet more and we did have a call on fri where he said the same but then he cancelled last min sat so made me think again. so that's why I feel over dramatic asking again.

I'l think I've decided I'll send it 🤷‍♀️. will leave it till later on. I'm feeling a lot calmer now but think ill just say how I felt about sat and how I feel and what does he think about us.

@crazycatlady20 and @wanttobeonabeach
I'm going to echo some advice I was given on April at the start of lockdown. If you take yourself out of the situation and it was a friend asking you for advice what would you tell them to do?
It is beginning to sound like you are making excuses for your irons not contacting you and being flakey. It takes a minute to send a quick text. It might be that they need a gentle reminder or worst case that they aren't that into you.

Having so much spare time is rubbish as you just start thinking of all the various situations and over thinking. I have been there several times

I'd assumed he wasn't on this forum and this was the place to air & share OLD adventures and misadventures.

I'm not a mean person and would never wish to hurt someone's feelings hence the idea of saying 'actually I'm taking time out from dating' felt gentler than 'Wtf you have got to be kidding?!?'

Not sure why I've raised hackles with this tale. The obvious lesson to be learned here is that (a) it's important to have realistic profile pics and (b) not everyone does

I'll be assuming terrible teeth for other would-be irons from now on unless I can see otherwise. A pessimist is never disappointed.

My latest match has a great set of gnashers. That's a good start.

@Wanttobeonabeach and @crazycatlady20, if sending the message makes you feel better then do it. Or speak about it to them in person when you can. You may get the reassurance and acknowledgement that you want. Or he may think 'bloody hell, she's hard work'. If it's the latter then he's not the guy for you. Someone that wants to know you and have you in their life wouldn't want to make you feel unsettled and if he thought that was happening he would take action to reassure you.

@Thepunkymate i have pretty decent teeth but my happiest relationships have been with people one might consider have terrible teeth! I can see it was a dealbreaker for you though.

@Eesha I too had a fun 12 months dating a guy who was terribly ashamed of his teeth and reckoned he'd never been to a dentist. You could tell.
It didn't bother me.

This is a different league.
Yes definitely a dealbreaker.

Oh yuck terrible teeth would kill any passion I have left. I've gone on a few dates with guys with rotting disgusting teeth and awful breath and I just couldn't, no, not ever.
There is no excuse for not visiting a dentist, I'm 58 and wouldn't ever not sort out a rotting tooth.
I'd prefer a full set of dentures to that, I could live with a bloke with dentures, that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

@dancerinthemoonlight @onesmallstep67 @wanttobeonaneach

ahhh now I dont know what to do lol.

Just popping by with my opinion wanttobeonabeach. I've met a few like your iron and things dont get easier. You just have to realise this is him and can you take him how he is?
He may suit someone who is very laid back,who can leave arranging a date to the last minute but most of us women want to feel secure and have some sort of plan. I've been in your position and lying in bed at night with my head racing is horrible,going over scenarios and what to say.

I've found a few men are just selfish and he may not even know how his actions make you feel. Is he thoughtful when you're together?

Personally I wouldn't mention it but that's only as I wouldn't want to put pressure on him to be something he isnt,but that's just me.

See how Thursday goes and how he is when things settle in his life. Unless he is just one of these always stressed busy people and then you know you arent suited.

Hi @kerkya...he's always attentive in person. It's just the insecurity I feel as I want plans, to be reassured and him not to be flakey at all. Even though there is a genuine reason I can't help overthinking.

I'm teetering on not saying anything and just seeing how Thursday is. It's always good when we are together though so I don't want to ruin it by going on. He does make time for me once a week and has done consistently for 2 months now.

I don't know how to even start the conversation really. If I do I am worried it won't go down well.

If it was a friend dancer I'm not sure. I can see his point of view with the move etc...but I wouldn't like them to not feel a priority.

Really when he asked me if it was onay if we swapped I should have said then. He probably thinks I'm cool with it as I said yes no problem.

crazycat when did you last see him? I'm not sure....do you have a next date pencilled in?

So it does sound like he genuinely is just busy. He enjoys your company and makes plans and time for you. I think you can relax,its very early days.
And maybe if he ever cancels again then you can say ' oi,this isnt on. If you're gonna cancel on me then give me notice as it throws me and I feel abit vunerable/ unsettled etc.
Hope it all goes well 🙂

Quick update from me - after cancelling our planned date Friday due to "illness" after a message Saturday, in response to one I sent him, saying he was out running chores (so not on deaths door actually), MrRugby has gone awol. Yet another flake i matched with. I dont get what they get out of wasting peoples time. He was the one taking the time to call and said a few times he was looking forward to meeting 🤷‍♀️ back to the drawing board .....

@wanttobeonabeach I last saw him on fri during the day, but we were both actually working so wasnt for too long.

I sent a short message there but hes not in the mood to talk about it which is fair enough. He has already said he is ill, tired and has been at the doctors. I'll save it for another time if it's still bothering me.

Most of the time I do feel fine. I just have wee blips, I guess mostly round how much we see each other.

crazycat I have blips about the time..ideally I want more than once a week. Also the uncertainty of when we will see eachother, it's just so last minute.

I think I'm going to say something to mine later

crazycat how often would you say you do see eachother? And is he nearby?

@wanttobeonabeach that is the same with me. I know mr bigs situation at the moment now tho and I cant see it changing. I'd just like him to see how it can make me feel.

I personally think its better to just say if its bothering u.

@wanttobeonabeach I couldnt put a number on it tbh. it's not regular because his work is not regular. if I had to list it out, other posters would be saying to move on let's put it that way. we have spoken about it and I know the reasons why. we generally keep in touch through the day and evening tho.

he is about 30mins away.