Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Have you actually discussed if you’re exclusive or if he’s seeing others?

@Wanttobeonabeach does he have kids, is he juggling kids and work as well ? It may be genuine. When did you last see him ?

Both not seeing others and agreed to come off apps.

He has kids yes half the time. I'm not doubting it's genuine as he has just moved house.

Last saw him late last week so will be a weeks before we see eachother again now he's rearranged.

I don’t think he’s making you happy @Wanttobeonabeach, and isn’t that what he’s for?

Hey all, I haven't been on this thread for a while (changed name in the meantime) as I haven't dated for a while so I do hope you don't mind me jumping back on now I'm back on it. met a man last night, he texted every day until.the date, was extremely complimentary on the date and asked me on a second, but nothing afterwards all day except for an acknowledgement when I let him know I was home. He was a bit handsy if anything so no great loss but would you assume I won't hear back? I know it's only one day but its out of sync with beforehand.

@yousexybugger

Do you yourself actually want to meet him? I’d send one message if so.

“Hi X, hope you’re well. Was great meeting you on the weekend, please do let me know if you fancy doing it again some time”

Or something like that

You might get nothing back (or just inane sexting/chat if he was a bit sex obsessed) but at least you know he’s not hesitating through lack of interest from you.

thanks bunkbed in all honesty I'm not that bothered. any man who starts on about sex on a first date without any input from me ( I'm not adverse to actually having sex on a first date if the mood is right and I feel like it) comes across as sex obsessed and a bit prurient to me. This is bit of a funny one. I'm not really keen, I just feel a bit put out if that makes any sense!

Yeh I know what you mean - if sex happens spontaneously on a first date or if its agreed you’re both after a hookup/casual in advance that’s fine

but the whole vibe of someone being pushy (especially when you’re not sending them any signals so they just look annoying and desperate) is a bit of a turn-off?

@Wanttobeonabeach feeling like saying something will be the end of it.... is an issue. You have needs, they are valid, never worry they're 'too much'. He flakes last minute or at the point where you ask if its still going on. Nope. Disrespectful of your time if nothing else. You're making more considerations for him than yourself - is it fair on him rather than is this fair on me. If the answer to such a simple concern is 'ok let's leave it' then he's not someone who'd stick around long anyway. Point is, there are plenty of men. So many men. It doesn't need to be like this, he's not the last man on the planet, so if he's not properly interested its better to be shut of him and moving on rather than wasting your time on the wrong one. The right person leaves you in no doubt

@Wanttobeonabeach it does sound like you are a bit lower priority at the moment but he does sound busy in truth. He should have told you sooner. Some people are a bit all over the place (my partner can be but hes autism) and you say he's had form for being flaky in the past. Personally I'd take a mini mental step back, chat to friends, shop, exercise and see how he behaves. It's not easy but it's better than always being on eggshells with someone and there might be something better for you out there. Now is the time to look at what you want from someone

Thanks everyone it helps talking.

I don't feel like a priority and it's making me quite unhappy. On the other hand though I do have bad anxiety generally and even though it's a genuine reason I can't help but be upset.

I feel like he should know this....I mean he did ask if I was ok with changing days and I said yes so can't really go back now and say it's not.

I think I'm going to explain this to him but I will probably sound ridiculous.

Is it best I say nothing? Do you think

@Wanttobeonabeach I think you should say something because it is bothering you. If you just keep letting it slide again and again without telling him how you feel about it then it will keep happening and it will be a vicious circle.
I think it goes back to rule 12 and if he says 'lets just leave it' as much as it will hurt at least you will know where you stand with him. I have been watching a lot of Matthew Husseys videos at the moment and he said something that clicked with me "life is short enough when you meet the right person so why waste any more time on someone who is not right for you"

Thanks Dancer.

I'm not sure whether to broach by text or when I see him later in the week.

I feel really pathetic tbh but I just feel like he calls all the shots...I know he is busier than I am but i don't feel very wanted or cared for ☹

But then I feel I'm being needy...the poor guy has just moved house and does have a lot to do. I don't want to lose him.

I think from the outside looking at your situation @Wanttobeonabeach it seems that your iron has things happening that are taking up his time. What he's doing that isn't working for you though is not communicating effectively and consistently about it. It only takes a text or quick call to say that he's busy with the move or work etc but he's missing you or looking forward to seeing you again. It's the lack of reassurance that would niggle me more than not being able to see him. If you have had a few dates and been made to feel that you were seeing each other then I don't think it's too much to expect consistent communication.

which bit do you feel makes you seem needy ? has the date later in the week been pencilled in already ?

I think you are right onestep it's the lack of reassurance. It would have been nice to say he's missing me or something, he's not good at communication. I just want to know he does want me basically! It's very matter of fact how he communicates, to the point and unemotional. That's what makes me worry.

Not heard from him today either which is odd. He has said he is swamped with work.

Yes he suggested Thursday to see eachother.

I feel needy saying I want reassurance and to know he likes me, it just sounds a bit pathetic and like I am possibly expecting too much.

I did mention he had been quiet. He said he's tired / busy with work / move.

Would it be better to say I need some reassurance or just leave it and see what happens?

If I was dating someone exclusively and they didn't call to let me know they were unable to make a planned date the next day, just an offhand text in reply to me questioning, I'm afraid they'd be dumped.

I'd probably withdraw a bit and see what happened but they would be mentally halfway out the door.

He’s busy, great, but that doesn’t excuse him being rude by not communicating, especially re cancelling today only after you asked. If you can bear to wait until you see him next to speak face to face, that might be best, but it sounds like your anxiety is getting on top of you. Can you call him?

@Wanttobeonabeach, I would leave him be and let him make the next contact. And while you wait work out if how he is and how he operates genuinely works for you.

tigger I don't want to call him about it really.

He's not been in touch today which is odd....if he does I might mention it but i don't want to start the conversation.

Everything I have read says it's best to do nothing in situations like this...where I'm feeling emotional and overwhelmed really.

I am going through similar to @wantotbeonabeach. iron (mr big) is very busy, his son been Ill and hes not been well himself. he cancelled weekend plans at last minute but we havent properly spoken about it, it makes me doubt how he feels. he is still feeling ill.

I am wfh with lots of time on my hands to get anxious too although I think this is only a small part of the problem.

ive said a few times I dont want to bug him by text and each time he says it's not a problem. I want to send him a message to see where in his head is at but he is feeling ill today and off work, also when I try to write it down it feels very over dramatic. I basically want to say why weekend upset me and ask how he feels about us and like suggested in previous post to say if hes busy a little message to say he misses me would be nice.

should I just send it? I'm not scared as such to send it as think it's best to let things out, just dont want to come across as over the top and very serious. help?!