Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Wanttobeonabeach

I’d personally think that’s quite an ok level of contact for an interested guy? If he’s working and got other commitments he probably doesn’t even register the day of no contact?

How is the dating other than phone contact?

Are you doing dates together that aren’t just “home” dates and making plans for the future?

Yes we do dates....we don't live close by but manage once or twice a week normally.

I know he probably isn't even registering...but today is a particularly quiet day. Usually he checks in during the day. I sent him a text this am which he replied to but he's made no contact since.

I'm not sure if I'm panicking unnecessarily.

@Wanttobeonabeach

I think you are new here as I don't recognize the name so welcome
I have to say this sounds unhealthy! one day of low contact? Rule nr 3. You are wayyy too invested in this. He has a life outside of dating you, Wouldn't you find it annoying if he was texting you the whole day?

@Myfabby yes I'm new.

Yes I guess....the thing is he is normally in touch a lot during the day, so when he isn't I get very anxious. Not sure how to stop it really.

It's the inconsistency...I was going to try and explain but thought it may scare him off.

@Wanttobeonabeach

There will be ebbs and flows. Don't bring it up, its too early and will make you look so clingy. IMHO.

Enjoy the dating, go out and do other things.You hada life before him and you should have a life whilst dating him!

@Myfabby thanks. I do have anxiety generally and am on meds but this situation seems to amplify it! I had an awful childhood and was basically abandoned. This is where the fear comes from. I don't want to lose him but the whole situation is so hard for me. I'm hoping if things do carry on I will become more secure with time

Yes agree it may make me seem clingy....I don't want that. He knows a little about my anxiety but by no means the full story.

@Myfabby I'm afraid I disagree. @Wanttobeonabeach shouldn't be afraid of looking "clingy", I got some great advice on this thread previously about how my needs when dating are just as important as my daters and there is nothing wrong with voicing these needs.
I like a lot of contact throughout the day and certainly wouldn't be annoyed by someone being in frequent contact with me so everyone is different.
@Wanttobeonabeach if you're feeling anxious then there is nothing wrong with bringing it up. Maybe he's busy, maybe he's not a texter but you don't need to be sitting in an anxious state about it.

@dancemom thanks.

I have wanted to speak to him but I'm not sure how to bring it up. What do I say though without scaring him off?

I'm just feeling terrible anxiety...either around the text contact or the meet ups and arranging those. He is very chilled and normal. I like him loads but hate feeling like this all the time ☹

With him being so quiet today I don't feel like I can just broach it. We had plans to meet tomorrow but nothing has been confirmed as yet. He may think it's all on and ok and I'm here stressing.

@Wanttobeonabeach in your position I'd just message and comment he's very quiet and is everything okay but that's just my actions. I'm prone to being anxious and I'd always rather just ask and know than to be sitting stressing.

@Wanttobeonabeach

I personally don’t mind low text contact but I don’t like “confirming at last minute” type dates.

I’ve dated a few “chilled out nice guys” where they basically would suggest a date but wouldn’t confirm the plans till the last minute/or I had to chase them to see what was happening (sometimes they’d respond with “sorry it’s not possible”)

it definitely made me feel insecure/anxious about other things.

Even though I’m not naturally that stressed when dating.

What would happen if you just messaged him to confirm tomorrow?

Has he ever cancelled/been flaky at the last minute before?

@Bunkbedpeople he has on occasions been flaky yes in the past. I don't think that's helping my insecurities. The last few weeks though dates have gone ahead as planned.

I can just sense something is off today and it's making me very panicky. He would have ALWAYS been in touch by now. I sent the last couple messages which did get a reply but no questions to carry on the conversation.

I don't think his previous past behaviour has helped....nor the last minute confirmation of dates.

And now I'm wondering if tomorrow is on or off!!! Just stresses me out.

@Wanttobeonabeach, I suffer with a certain amount of anxiety when waiting to hear from irons. As much as anyone tells you to relax it's not something I find that easy. If there has been a change in communication frequency it makes me feel unsettled. And it can feel like a minefield - say something and risk making him think that you are over keen, keep quiet and worry that he thinks you're not that bothered. And we're all different. I like regular contact. To me it's reassuring that I'm on their mind and a priority.
Depending on where you feel you are in the stages of the relationship I would try to keep things in perspective. He's just someone that you'd like to date. Life went on before you knew him and will again. It's not like he's ignored your messages today. If you don't hear anything by mid morning tomorrow send a light ' just checking about later ' message and then his response will tell you what you need to know. Keep us posted.

So I messaged about tomorrow and he's asked if I mind if we rearrange to later in the week. He is moving house and has a lot to do so I said it was fine.

It's really not fine though as he's flaked before. I stupidly said it was okay but this is why I get annoyed.

What can I say though...he did ask if I minded as of his house move.

I'm not feeling like a priority though at all and him rescheduling a lot and the intermittent contact is making me worse.

I believe in saying what you think/feel, @Wanttobeonabeach, and not worrying about how the iron may take it. You have the right to be authentically you. In addition, flakiness = rudeness, which is what ‘laid back’ so often means in reality. So I would message that his silence today has made you feel sad and also uncertain about tomorrow.

Sorry, cross-posted.

As I've said it's okay to rearrange I feel like if I go back now and say I'm actually really disappointed it will sound stupid.

He has rearranged so many times though I don't think he is being fair.

@Wanttobeonabeach

you may also find with anxiety, you are more suited to dating “plan and confirm in advance” guys?

I’ve personally realised I don’t suit dating “spontaneous” types

early stages of dating for me are about looking forward to going out/scoping out the venue/getting dressed up a bit/turning up to find my date there or five minutes early. I’m very reliable myself and will expect the same.

Not spending the afternoon exchanging 109 messages to check if he’s free or not.

I’m on an apps break (might go back on if things don’t work out with MrCountry)

but one reason I found it stressful and emotionally draining was (some) guys being very “we need to be whatsapping at 4pm for a 7pm meet”.

I mean even if there ARE genuine excuses or reasons.

(it is their personality/they’re busy/they’re genuinely into me/it’s the modern way for guys in their 20’s and 30’s)

it doesn’t make me feel emotionally comfortable so we’re not suited so there isn’t any point?

I don’t think it’s about being princessy or wanting someone to book a Michelin restaurant and organise a taxi for me door to door, I just find it very uncomfortable to have to get organised/dressed up/do transport at the last minute

Cross - posted . Tbh that would fuck me off. Especially if he’d done similar before.

I think it’s that he didn’t think to politely message me to cancel so if I hadn’t messaged him I would have thought it was still on?

I am VERY aware that quite a few women/people would be ok with this. So it’s not a universal dealbreaker but a reasonable one if that makes sense?

@Bunkbedpeople yes...so if I hadn't have checked would he have just cancelled tomorrow. He's rearranged so much though now, I never have ☹

I'm finding it very rude tbh but he is moving house and asked me if I minded so I just said it's okay. If I'd have said I do mind I would sound unkind as he does have a lot on his plate.

I mentioned he had been quiet he said he's exhausted. I'm not feeling special or like a priority at all.

Thanks for your help....I'm glad it's not just me who would be annoyed. I have told him before it annoys me.

I'm going to back way off now and not initiate anything the next few days.

From what you have written @Wanttobeonabeach, I would take a step back mentally. He's putting his house move out there as a reason for him being busy. Perfectly understandable and genuine reason. But he could have sent you a message or spoken to you about this without you prompting him. I'd let him crack on with his house move. I don't know if you are on the apps or chatting to anyone else but I would let him make the next move. If he's keen and genuine he will. Dating may not be his priority at the moment.

@Wanttobeonabeach

I think some men use the delay tactic to see how interested you are. Counterintuitively it often works when you let him know that it does bother you so you are happy to stop seeing each other if he feels the same. You’ll get your answer to how interested he really is.

He's actually got his new house but wanted to order furniture. He could have done this in the day though. I do think the excuse is slightly feeble, along with the silence today

I just can't help thinking if he values and respected me he would see me. I'm tired of always being uncertain and let down even though it's always a valid reason.

I'm not on the apps anymore as we are sleeping together and it would feel wrong.

I think the only thing to do is back off...if he doesn't cancel later in the week I'm going to try and explain. I'm worried if I do though the answer will be " okay let's leave it then".

I do need to detach mentally though for sure. Just not sure how really ☹