Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@thisoneday I am not sure how to work casually into a conversation. I suppose I could weave it into conversation if they were to ask about my wrist scars. I would only mention it if the date was going well. I am not sure how to easily bring up "hey, I dislocate at least 1 joint everyday" I think it might just depend on the moment and who it is. I don't want to scare them off because although I have only had the diagnosis for 9 years I was born with it but then I don't want to not tell someone, they get serious about me and then think I have trapped them.

@thisoneday that date sounds really lovely. Maybe he was just nervous or didn't want to come across as being disrespectful of being too into you. I hope you get to have a lovely second date with him

I am not sure how to easily bring up "hey, I dislocate at least 1 joint everyday" I think it might just depend on the moment and who it is. I don't want to scare them off because although I have only had the diagnosis for 9 years I was born with it but then I don't want to not tell someone, they get serious about me and then think I have trapped them.

A good man would not think this.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Yeh you’re still 20’s so I imagine a lot of decent guys in your age range will be concentrating on career and financial stability before a serious relationship. So be ready in two years

Personally unless a disability was directly affecting turning up for a date I’d keep it to myself (or say I was a “bit unwell”) until I felt the guy was fairly trustworthy and things were going to progress

I don’t think guys really think ahead to things like children unless they’ve built up a connection already.

Until then he’s just a stranger, you don’t owe him that information.

I mean it’s good to be honest and open at the right time with the right person but also there’s a lot of idiots and users and predators out there who would seek to exploit any admitted vulnerabilities.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Do you have hypermobility syndrome?

Can I join you? I haven't posted on these threads before but they were helpful to read a while ago when I was doing a lot of OLD. Didn't have much success but learnt a lot.

For a number of reasons I haven't been dating at all for a while but I've recently met someone IRL who I've developed a crush on . I got the hang of OLD but I have no idea what to do in this situtation . We get along well when we're chatting, he's not in a rush to end the conversation even though he could and I think he's single.....

What is the situation you know him in AmyW, could you casually say "love to chat more about this, we could meet for coffee on day next week" or something?

I'm in a similar situation, crushing on someone in my walking club. It's annoying! :)

@SortingItOut I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Type 3 with crossover to type 1

dancer

How is it right now?

@Bunkbedpeople I think it will be a case of just assessing the person and the situation. To the right man it shouldn't make a difference. So far it has never effected my ability on a date, I am usually the one who wants to do more "adventurous" things like go ice skating (in normal times) etc while the iron is usually not too sure.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don’t think I would make a big thing of your hidden disability at the start but once you progress to second date or beyond I would bring it up in a very casual way ...I don’t know much about the condition but maybe giving some info on how it affects you at the initial stages (if it has a day to day affect). I never know how honest to be with irons at the start - trying to balance being upfront with not scaring them away!

I had an iron from a few weeks ago message me yesterday after disappearing for 3 weeks...I was definitely attracted to him at the time and I know he probably wants a sex thing only but he’s making me think. I really like Mr German and we had such a lovely time together and I’m hoping we can get together again on Friday...but this other iron has a really cheeky flirty vibe that I like despite his flakiness!
There could be an element of running scared from the feels with Mr German because there are definitely feelings and I think he’s in the same space
Ex is still being a headwreck which is affecting me hugely too. I am a mess of confusion and second guessing tonight

@Bunkbedpeople right now my back hurts more than usual (related scoliosis), my right knee aches, my ankles have given out on me on my walk and ache, I tripped over a crack and my own feet, I have dislocated my right shoulder about 3 or so times today but other than that I'm fine. Today isn't the best day but then it also isn't a bad day.

Sumer tends to be better than Winter and Autumn. I tend to also be worse around my period.

@VanGoghsDog

What is the situation you know him in AmyW, could you casually say "love to chat more about this, we could meet for coffee on day next week" or something?

I'm in a similar situation, crushing on someone in my walking club. It's annoying! :)

I see him when we happen to be walking our dogs at the park at the same time.

Can I join please.
I joined Tinder and I feel depressed!!
I’m 56 - swiped right on 99% and the other 1% no matches.
Tinder has matched me with people I have not swiped on so I send a polite response saying the above and wishing them well on the site.
I’ve supposedly had lots of likes but I don’t want to pay for the site.
Any tips please.
Am I being too fussy.
I’m not a beard person or looking for a partner in crime!!
I have only put one picture on - would more help?
Thanks

@Dancerinthemoonlight

That looks incredibly stressful written down

but is that just my perception and me being naive?

Either way, you have nothing to feel guilty about in terms of being a burden - don’t feel you have to overcompensate for anything.

I had a traumatic upbringing with weird interfering abusing parents and for a while I thought as I was “too much trouble” I didn’t “deserve” a normal bloke.

I still have to challenge those internal beliefs but being aware helps.

@Whydidimarryhim

Yeh, I’d switch your photos and put more on.

Can you get one face shot one full body shot? Selfies are ok, I take them when I’m dressed up or think I look nice so I’ve always got a supply for the apps (sounds vain but if everyone else is doing it I don’t want to be left behind?)

Also try swiping on ALL matches for a day (unless they’re really seriously bad) just to see who has swiped on you? You might be more interested in an “ok” guy if you see he’s swiped on you.

Plus you aren’t obligated to reply to or date your matches, just so you can gauge who is out there

@bunkbedpeople I suppose I am just used to being in some sort of low level pain daily and I see my ankles more of a nuisance than anything. I just see how they are feeling that day and then base my footwear off of that. Although it seems non sensical I am actually more table in heels than flats because the main ligament in both ankles is so stretched out that the position of heels gives it a 'normal' tension.
A bad day is where I have only had a few hours sleep, have bad radiating back pain and a shoulder that wont relocate properly (usually my shoulder goes back by itself)
I count myself as one of the lucky ones because I don't have the vascular type where life expectancy is very short and my hips don't dislocate like some peoples and some with EDS have to use a wheelchair to help them get around.

The few ex boyfriends that I have told just see it as me being very flexible and their mind immediately went to sex positions. I even had one say after we had broken up that I was the bet sexual partner he had ever hay - not sure if we experienced things the same because I cannot say the same for him.

I just might not tell my consultants, surgeons and therapists everything I get up to because they would probably look at me as if I had three heads and want to pull their hair out. I don't let it stop me and want to do everything like learn to ski and snowboard.

I know the right man will accept me for who I am; disability and crazy family. I just have to be patient and know that I am worthy of being loved and not accepting bullshit from men

@Whydidimarryhim welcome. There is also a tinder 'hack' where you can set your distance to 1 mile and all those in the list should be ones who have swiped right on you. It wont show you everyone but a fair few of them

@AmyW23

Is there a local cafe you could suggest going to? Like "have you tried that place on the high street, I thought I might pop in some time, do you fancy coming along?"

I think on the apps you do have to ignore looks a bit and swipe on far more than you would glance at in the street, else you'll struggle to get matches.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Thanks for answering my question, i realised afterwards it was probably too personal. Apologies.

Personally i wouldnt mention it too early on, not everyone will understand, written down it does sound horrific but of course to you it is normal.
I would wait until things are getting to boyfriend/girlfriend stage before i mentioned it unless it hindered you on a date.

I have hypermobility but only realised a few years ago.
My son was diagnosed as a teenager, and his mainly affects his back, he has regular osteopathy to keep him supple and he tries to stay active (at uni he would swim 70 lengths 6 days a week).
I thought he got it from his dad who also had back issues but then my daughter was also diagnosed as a teenager and they have different dads so clearly I'm the issue.

My daughter has it worse than my son, her knee dislocates a lot and recently her shoulder did which was scary.

I'm very lucky that mine is mild, i mainly get pain in my hips if i drive for too long or walk too far and in my fingers if i write for too long or its cold.
I'm really bad during my period, its linked to the hormones, i ache all over for 3 - 4 days and struggle to do anything much at all.

I'm really pleased you are living life to the full as much as possible, as you say some have it so much worse and life limiting so you should continue to live life as much as you want because you dont know whats around the corner.

@SortingItOut I didn't think it was too personal.
Most of my siblings have it although I am the worst out of all of us. We probably all do but I haven't seen my half brother in about 19 years so I can't speak for him. My half sister once said to me if we all have it why are you supposedly so much worse. She doesn't realise that it's a sliding scale on how badly you will get it.
On the Beighton Test I was 9+. I suppose it helped that I wasn't diagnosed until I was 18 so although very accident prone and always injuring myself as a child I wasn't stopped from doing anything.
I don't write more than a few sentences because of the wrist pain it causes.

To me it's all just normal. I think it also helped that my mum had polio when she was a child and her dad never stopped her doing what she wanted or trying anything so her view is if you think you can do it then do it. Although we have our differences I'm thankful for that and we have been repairing our relationship

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Sorry to hear your step sister doesnt think you could be worse than them
My kids debate quite often who has it worse but its all just a friendly thing.

to your Beighton score.

I'm glad you weren't stopped from doing anything when you were a child.
My daughter had loads of injuries (3 broken arms, knee dislocations etc) which i put down to her being a tomboy and rough playing all the time but of course it wasnt that - 2 of the broken arms were when she fell off play equipment, i think her wrists didnt support her enough but back then i thought she hadnt held on properly!!!

I'm really pleased to hear you are trying to repair your relationship with your mum.
Hopefully some of your new boundary setting skills are coming in useful.

@sortingitout I don't think there has been a year where I haven't had some sort of hospital appointment. As a child I was in a and e quite regularly. I have always had weak ankles and been accident prone. I actually self diagnosed and went to my gp to see if I had it. She referred me to a rheumatologist who confirmed it. Once it was confirmed all the injuries and things I had done made sense, that was sonly after my first knee operation though.

I just got back from lunch with a friend who is married. She told me where I am going wrong in dating - apparently I'm being too picky and not giving men a chance. I don't agree with that. She also swiped on my Tinder and Bumble so now I need to see if there are any men I am actually interested in talking to as we have completely different taste in men.

Thank you to the posters who asked about me.

I'm feeling insecure as the guy I'm dating is quite inconsistent. Some days he is in touch practically all day and other days I hear next to nothing. I don't like to always initiate as worry that I'm annoying him.

I really don't like the inconsistency and it's making me anxious.

Today is an example of hearing next to nothing. Yesterday I heard loads.

Do you think I should ask him why he's quiet? It's doing my head in and I find myself worrying a lot.

Today is the quietest he's ever been so I find myself really starting to worry if he's going off me. I'm probably being silly but I can't help it.