Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Happy birthday both 🥳💐🍰

@Wanttobeonabeach what exactly is making you feel insecure? Too much time on your hands can lead to overthinking, but equally you should listen to your gut...

@Wanttobeonabeach

what is causing it? Is it something he’s done or said or not done? Communication problems?

I heard a good line where someone said dating problems could be a combination of “how they are, or how I am, or a combination of both”

I feel with insecurity you get:

• some people who are genuinely controlling/manipulative and will encourage the other person to “be insecure so they’re at their beck and call”.

Eg some guys have worked out that by using chats/messages/hints (not calling or meeting) they can keep a woman’s interest but not offer her anything socially. So she’ll end up chasing after him and inviting him over for “dates” that are really hookups.

• some people who are nice but fairly extroverted and chatty and maybe expect/require more contact than others are comfortable with?

• situations where neither party is at fault but different styles of communication or social skills and expectations.

I’m loyal and committed when I’m dating exclusively, but I wouldn’t want big communication sessions? (socially fine but also introverted and on the spectrum) So someone who wanted more reassurance might struggle dating me.

So it’s working out what the problem is and going from there really?

You can only go by your feelings - if you’re constantly feeling anxious or “not enough” it’s no use trying to be cool and ignore those feelings.

It might be you or it might be something he’s doing to trigger those but dating (should) be fun and enhance your life in the early stages!

Thanks for all the birthday love 😊 and @Onesmallstep67 I hope your gift is delivered via Mr German next week 😂

No surprise to anyone Mr Dirty Dancing just cancelled on me again. I'm done, no more chances. Excuse this time is because it's raining and cold. FFS doesn't he own a coat or an umbrella.

Dodging bullets again @Dancerinthemoonlight

I'm observing some textual attempts at love bombing by my first date tonight (Mr Sound). If he's caught me 2.5 years ago I'd be putty in his hands but nope I'm a hard nosed, thick skinned OLD old timer now and wise to dire men & their dodgy ways.

Good heavens, this OLD thing isn't going well for me! Gave up on Bumble as there are so few candidates down here in the sticks. Tried Match, and I'm getting a ratio of about 1 in 10 likes to views. Matched with one guy who opened the conversation with 'Hi, what do you think of my favourite film One Flew Over?'. Not, hi how are you or hi what are your interests... So as I could see that this wasn't going anywhere I replied 'Interesting opener. Haven't seen it for years but I doubt Ken Kesey would win prizes for feminism. Was that a tiebreaker question?'. Have received diatribe back about how the film won 5 Oscars and what do I know and why didn't I thank him for getting in touch and now I'm blocked. Christ. Are they all this thin skinned?

And what's with 23 year old boys liking 61 year old women? I really don't think this is going to work for me, I've paid my month so I'll see where it goes but I'm not holding out much hope!

Not having much luck either back on POF. Got a bit drunk last night with a friend and she persuaded me into messaging a old iron, someone I chatted to for ages but never actually met up with, he hasn’t messaged back yet, I doubt he will as I kind of stood him up (chickened out). Not had any other messages really, or none worth replying too.

Looks like a dodged a huge bullet on Wednesday night. He is now blocked, was hoping I wouldn't have to but he obviously couldn't take no for an answer.
I would just like to meet one nice and good man. I know everyone attracts the dick heads but I seem to have just had a run of them

Oh @Dancerinthemoonlight I’m sorry it turned out like that. That is one deluded, entitled man! I really hope a good one comes along soon

@Dancerinthemoonlight what a wanker!bullet well and truly dodged and agree that there don't appear to be many decent men around, let alone any that one connects with. Not officially OLD myself although I did join a niche dating site and paid for a month's subscription so I could message someone that caught my eye. They had messaged me, I replied and I can see they have read my reply but they haven't responded-sooo frustrating. Had a random drink with someone from fab last weekend out of sheer boredom but they weren't for me and I quickly deleted my fab account.

Not really sure what I'm looking for. Would love the fairytale ending but am jaded after years of shitty OLD experiences and 2 relationships with people who weren't worth my time (one of which nearly destroyed me and the other who is still hassling me). Plus the dc come first so can't see me having a live in partner for the next few years until they're older. Would just like a man hug and bit of fun with someone trustworthy in my child free time.

Meant to be meeting with a male friend tomorrow with whom I believe there is a mutual interest but not heard back from them today to confirm so not sure what's happening there.

Other than that there's a really hot single guy at work who had a deep and meaningful conversation with me yesterday and gave me a hug. Not sure if I'm reading too much in to that and probably not wise to go there but will wait and see if anything happens there.

I don't need a man but just find life a bit monotonous at times with work,being a mum,housework etc. See friends and stuff in child free time too but sometimes feel bored/lonely at points when kids aren't with me.

Dancerinthemoonlight bullet well and truly dodged

MrRugby has cancelled on me today after coming down with a bug. He does sound rough on phone but who knows. Wont be able to meet for a while now which I don't like so will have to move this to a low interest now for my own protection

Date with Mr Tantric this afternoon. He’s not quite the confident sexual beast he makes out to be via text but he’s not too bad either. He was really nervous fest of him.
So, 2 dates from fab now and neither have so much as touched me let alone kissed me in the car park . I have a much better snog rate from tinder at 100% so far. Bumble - no snogs and I have yet to get a single date from Hinge.

I feel ashamed and unworthy. I used to post under ThirdTimeUnlucky and various others.
So, I met my DP on OLD just over a year ago. Covid and Menopause have killed it. Can't see a way back.
There is so much more to this. I am embarrassed to talk about it tbh.
Sorry to but in.

@NiceandCalm sorry to hear that. Hope you are ok. I'm sure you've no need to feel ashamed or unworthy. Sending hugs xx

@NiceandCalm sorry that you are feeling so bad. You can talk if you want to, no judgements here.

Thanks @Bluezoo13.
I thought I had it made. Thought I'd found the one. Now I'm doubting everything. When I was on this board I saw so many failures {sorry but true} and a few good stories. There are few that get past that 1 year mark. Thought I'd made it.
Not sure I should be back here as feel so in limbo.
BUT I can never forget the support I got from all you. xx

Dancinginthemoinlight what a horrible man, he sounds similar to someone i dated when I started out a few years ago, I told him I didn’t want another date and he continued to message me and eventually told me that no one else would want me as I was damaged goods due to my past. He obviously didn’t take being told “no” very well so turned nasty.

@lovemusic33 unfortunately I have known a few men who don't like being told no. I know what he said is complete and utter rubbish about how I don't deserve respect and that I deserve to be treated badly but it did get to me a bit. It was a very low and childish blow from him.

I have had Mr Caribbean phoning me 3 times a day for the last few days. He is blocked but I still get the notification. He has only called me once today and sent 1 text so I think he might have finally realised that he is blocked and I'm not going to talk to him. Yet another man who didn't like a strong woman telling him no.

So my date with Mr Sound was better than the last two (which were utterly dire). Food was good, he was interesting but held the talking stick fit 99% of the time - paused once to say 'Anyway, tell me about you!'
I refused. Said it was a non-question. Showed he wasn't interested.
I won't be seeing him again but not sorry I went out.
Very very very glad I'd stuck to my new principles of not texting him ahead of meeting him. This was helped by being v busy at work and home. Cos now it doesn't look weird that I'm not going to be texting him if that makes sense.

Have some new irons included an overnight match by one who claims to be 41 but looks no older than my son plus his opening line is about me playing the musical instrument I've recently started learning but he'd have no way of knowing.
The combination of these things is weirding me out.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I had one like that once - a horrible date where he was way too handsy for me (plus I thought he was a narcissistic arse) then he said he planned to follow me home in his van... when I told him the next day via phone he got horribly nasty. Narcissistic injury they call it. Take a Google if you're interested.

After my sadness about being ghosted (I'm another guilty of messaging too much before meeting...) matched with someone on tinder and we have a third date today...the first one was on wednesday

He's not really my normal type, is kind of eccentric and loud but I'm enjoying his company and it's nice that I don't have to be the one carrying the conversation the whole time like I did with pretty much all my previous exes 😅

@Jonsnowsghost

After my sadness about being ghosted (I'm another guilty of messaging too much before meeting...) matched with someone on tinder and we have a third date today...the first one was on wednesday

He's not really my normal type, is kind of eccentric and loud but I'm enjoying his company and it's nice that I don't have to be the one carrying the conversation the whole time like I did with pretty much all my previous exes 😅

That's great news, enjoy yourself

Date with Mr Teacher on Monday confirmed. Meeting at 6, we haven't spoken much so I don't know much about him, other than that he is looking for that elusive spark/connection. A few things do bug me about the way he texts but that is very much a me thing. I'm a self confessed grammar snob and he says was instead of were.
Monday will be a week since we matched, so far he seems nice and no sex talk or flirting. Going into the date with 0 expectations and hoping for a nice evening.

Mr Sexy Trouble turned up again this morning after ghosting me for a week. After the usual how has your week been etc he turned the chat incredibly sexual and wouldn't take no for an answer. He has been blocked on pof and we hadn't exchanged numbers.

Wasn’t able to come home in time for MrCountry’s call.

It was interesting how even though I think I’m emotionally doing well now, I still felt a jolt of “he won’t like me if I don’t do stuff that’s convenient for him”.

Which is 100% illogical (especially as I just got a very sweet message and his communication has been very easy going and considerate) but shows how old traumas and insecurities die hard.

Thepunkymate

Arf at MrSound being “talking at you bloke”.

We’ve all known one of those, down to the cursory “stops to take breath and ask one quick question before blethering on ”

@Dancerinthemoonlight

fingers crossed it perks up for you a bit, hope you’re taking care of your emotional health.

Everyone gets the dickheads don’t worry that it’s something you’re doing or not doing.

with apps/social media you get a lot of microaggressions compressed into a short spare of time, which is why breaks are good sometimes.

You’re doing exactly the right thing by keeping your boundaries and not engaging with the weird ones.

And you have loads of time to meet someone to do the whole family thing if that’s your goal so don’t feel you’re on a deadline - I mean realistically you might easily have a couple years of “experimental dating” that doesn’t go anywhere.

But it’s better than a couple years in a shit relationship that damages you.

@bunkbedpeople I have taken a me weekend and sod the apps. I have had some sort of positive news yesterday that I hope turns into something. Only time will tell, not man related.
I know I have lots of time to do the whole family thing and that it will happen when it is meant to for my time line. I am treating every date as a learning experience at the moment. Learning to read men better and learning more of exactly what I want and need from a man.

Something I do struggle with is when to tell an iron I have a hidden disability. I don't look like I have anything wrong so I don't want to hide it as it can be hereditary which is something that needs to be taken into consideration in having children but then I also don't want to be too upfront and scare them off. In the grand scheme of things I manage it on a day to day basis very well and don't let it stop me doing anything but then I do have some issues day to day but also have flare ups.

Hi Dancer, that must be really difficult. Is it something that you could just work casually into conversation without making a big deal, and then the iron can ask more questions if they feel it is necessary?

Had my first date in four years yesterday. He took me out for a dinner in a lovely restaurant - which was a bit much for a first date, but lovely all the same. I didn't think he was interested, but he messaged me today to suggest we meet up another time. So we will see where that goes.