Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@crackofdoom I’m having this exact issue with now.
Most of the men I’ve matched with have not bothered talking or the messages have been about one thing only! There is one that I have been messaging for a couple of weeks and circumstances have meant we haven’t met yet. The cynical side of me says he’s avoiding it (I’ve had to cancel as well though) but I almost want to meet to be able to say no thanks! I would much rather have just met straight away.
I think I’m my own worst enemy!

Quick question- how do you open a conversation with a match?
I know the typical hi is frowned upon but if there isn’t much info for a good first line then what do you do?

@Awholenewlife123 I pick something from profile, or say something like 'how can I impress you with a great opening line if there's no info in your profile?'
Or I ask them about what song they'd pick based on their mood
Or when the last time they danced in the rain?
Or what was the last cool thing they learnt?
Or sometimes just 'hello there you 😊' is enough
I can tell by their first reply if it's going to be a good chat or not. (The learning one weeds out in interesting and lazy ones)

Hi cravingthelook and crackofdoom I'm feeling a little bit more resigned to it all this morning - at least he didn't ghost me and if there was a possibility of him moving back - better to be after two dates than six months. His family are there so maybe the pull was too strong. I agree with the whole lockdown thing - it is making and will make things a lot more difficult. We don't really have any hard and fast lockdowns here in France yet but it's coming. Our cases are rising again alarmingly so it's a matter of time. I had to bite my lip with one of my friends who said (again) 'don't worry - it will happen when you least expect it' No ... it doesn't .. that's the problem. You have to reply (or swipe) then start the messaging .. then meet and hope you have some kind of connection - which so rarely happens - and then you can get ghosted or dumped at any time - it's so random these days. OLD is something you have to approach a bit like a dangerous animal sometimes - just hope you don't get too wounded - it takes a certain amount of strength to keep trying!

Mr EasyGoing popped up this morning on his business number so I need to block that today. They always come back even if you don't want them to.
Had a screening phone call with a potential iron last night, spoke for about an hour but I'm going to send him a nice I think we are looking for other things text. A few amber flags already so it's a thank you but no thank you.
I am finally getting having raised boundaries and knowing my worth

@Frenchlady14 that's is exactly what one of my friends has said 'it will happen when you stop looking' so I just don't talk to her about dating now. She found her husband old and if that was true it would have magically happened on my breaks.

In the end my opening line was just ‘hey there, it’s lovely to match with you 😊’ but I didn’t record on my spreadsheet whether that actually got me anywhere. Certainly not on bloody Bumble 😂

Surely with Fab there should be a real sense of urgency to meet up?

@Frenchlady14 you sound lovely even through your sadness. Given the back story I think this guy was playing you big time I’m afraid. We’ve all been there, in my case several times 😕. You learn so much more about yourself from things like this, often lessons you didn’t want to learn but maybe needed to. Your daughter sounds wise and kind though

Saturdays drink and chat date with Mr Horse won't be happening. He suggested 6 and as I usually eat around that time I asked for later in the evening. He was a little boundary pushing asking if I have a curfew for eating so I reitterated that he asked what worked for me and I told him that 7 or later works and that I don't drink on an empty stomach. Got back an "okay you win", I said that it isnt about winning, its about listening to an answer when you ask a question". He didn't like that I stood up for myself and firm with the time and said "Do you know what, lets leave it for another time"
I know there won't be another time but I am proud of myself that I stood firm and didn't let him talk me into meeting at an earlier time that I wanted to

For the apps:

Tinder - I sent a couple of first messages but tbh didn’t get anywhere so just waited on the ones who sent me messages.

I think guys do the first screen on swiping and then contact the women they are GENUINELY interested in meeting, so I’d either get no replies or “replies out of politeness” which drifted away.

Bumble - I just sent a handwave emoticon as men can’t message first. So the minimal contact to open a chat session.

Some responded first, some didn’t. Overall I was happy with the quality and quantity.

I think the whole “send a personal crafted message” advice is a bit dated

given the volume of contacts anyone expecting a “detailed message with a comment on something in profile” is too high maintenance?

You tend to see if the other person is interested in chatting THEN start being more detailed - like the “wink” on the old dating sites?

I think most guys go by photos to see if I’m a match they’re reasonably enthusiastic about - so again if I sent a detailed chatty message they might respond out of politeness but then drift away, pay more attention to other matches?

(Name changer but not new...)

@Frenchlady14 I agree with the others -it sounds like you were being played and also sounds like he was fairly easy bending the truth about things. Sorry this happened to you. We've all (sadly) had similar abrupt disappointments. What doesn't kill you....

@Awholenewlife123
I subscribe to the bespoke, chatty first message with some politeness about them right swiping me.
If they have a funny or interesting profile (very very rare) I let them know how much of a breath of fresh air that was for me. This is usually reciprocated.
I always ask them a Q about what they're up to that day/weekend or where they are and what they do.
I liken it to chatting someone up at a bar.

If they then respond with a one or two liner or don't ask me a question. Or just seem dull or morose I don't then message again. Or I might nudge once more for a more engaging exchange.
They're few and far between.

Which is why I got so excited about my new iron from a Sunday overnight match with his long funny chatty text followed by a great two hour phone chat.
I shall call him Mr Sound
Sorting on hands to not text him until we've met in person.

I always send a chatty first message- and this is why I prefer and do fairly well with Bumble, I think- because it comes quite naturally to me. I am a naturally chatty person in a written medium- which really helps with OLD, which is based on messaging.

Mr Dirty Dancing has just postponed tomorrows coffee date until Friday. No excuse given so I am giving very low interest and investment as this is the third time he has cancelled or postponed. First 2 were because he said his mother was in hospital so it was understandable that he couldn't commit to a date but no excuse this time. I am putting my foot down and that if it doesn't happen on Friday then it never will

Oh, that is fucking annoying.

His loss @Dancerinthemoonlight
No reason or excuse is pretty poor.

Yeh @Dancerinthemoonlight it sounds irritating.

With modern app dating, I’d interpret he’s seeing others, is adjusting to their schedule, but still wants some “back-up dates”.

Never got anywhere with anyone who cancelled a date, even once. Three times seems excessive, I would be wishing him well-ish at this point

I have already sort of friend zoned him anyway because we have been talking for about 2 months intermittently without meeting. I still have to go to the area we were meeting tomorrow as I had arranged to go round a friends house to see her at midday.
It very much is his loss, it was excusable if he has all the issues with his mum being in hospital and having to sort out her care but now there really is no excuse. I think he is just bread crumbing me or keeping me as a fallback girl.

@Dancerinthemoonlight to the iron who said 'you know what, let's leave it for another time' I hope you said 'let's just not bother at all'.

lots to catch up on. @menora nice to see ur name, sorry to hear you've been unwell.

I'm still with Mr Big met last year but back in touch April, together since June ish, he has had lots going on. it was initially work but we were still managing to meet. his ds is now ill and been in hosp almost 1 week and he is pretty worried about him. I dont really know what to do from this end. can anyone help? I've just really been texting to ask how he is maybe morning, evening or bit more if he replies quickly. I've offered help/my ear and if I'm annoying by text just to say and I'll stop but he says no, hes just all over the place and may take time to reply. anyone else had kids in hosp for a few days? any advice they can give, should I just back off?

I think I'm total opposite of most people and would want someone to chat to to occupy my mind while sat in hosp.

@crazycatlady20 my eldest DC was in hospital for a month when she was 7 and to be honest I had no headspace for anything at all, especially not being cheered up Frustrating as it is, I would back right off and just tell him to get in touch when he is ready.

@TiggerDatter thanks for the reply. yeah I havent been trying to cheer him up, just asking how things are really as there is really nothing else I feel I can say 🙁 but wanted to let him know I was thinking of them.

Feels very strange to go from multiple texts and calls to barely any. Feeling very helpless.

@crazycatlady20, I don't have any experience of a child in hospital but any situation like that is going to be someone's absolute priority. Let's hope that his DS is on the mend very soon and in turn Mr Big will be able to relax a little. You are doing the right thing letting him know that you are there, sending your best wishes etc. These situations can be particularly difficult to navigate when you are on the periphery. He will come back to you when he's ready and able.

Date Update with Mr Booked It - HELL NO
So many issues tonight, was a prick about having to wear a facemask into the pub; apparently had childhood asthma although he doesn't suffer from it anymore but wont wear a mask for that reason, he moaned about where the table was, ordered food for the table with out any 'what would you like', tried to get me a double when I wanted a single - I had to keep insisting to the waitress that I only wanted a single. Terrible table manners - literally picked the ice out of his drink and if he had some in his mouth he spat it out into a second glass,. A drunk guy started kicking off at the waitress when she told him to stop walking around the tables, other men in the pub stepped into help but he just ignored the situation and carried on talking. Apparently he doesn't date women over a 10, a small size 12 at the most - he is in okay shape but I wouldn't call it amazing.
All in all a definite no to a second date from me - I know he wants one as he asked what I was doing at the weekend and next week

I just ended a brief relationship with a guy from OLD who had tried to get the waiter to bring me large instead of the regular wine I ordered. I should have ended it after that date. This is now on my list of red flags.

I choose what I drink, not someone else! And as for ordering food - I'd be gobsmacked by that behaviour!

Can't stand bad table manners and I'd be annoyed by the mask thing too.

Lol @Dancerinthemoonlight sorry it was shit but your witty descriptions did make me laugh.

He was the guy who was “working out if it was worth meeting you” and interrogating you about how good you were in a relationship before meeting?

It’s weird, how it’s often those guys who keep getting turned down or don’t have a lot to offer who like to pretend how “choosy” they are...

@Bunkbedpeople yes that was the guy. It was just shit from beginning to end, we ran out of things to talk about but he still wants a second date. Most of the time the irons version of the date is very different to my version. It's like we are on two different dates. It's just one shit date closer to a good date.

I have a potential sort of date for Monday night. I will call him Mr Teacher for obvious reasons. He wants to meet and see if we get on in person. Can't argue with that so it would be a non date date. Just have to see where he wants to meet and what he has in mind.