Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Bunkbedpeople

You are right, I've not engaged and I've deleted the chat again and I don't have his number saved, so nope.

I've cancelled Fab date on Thursday too, he's still living with the 'ex' nope nope nope

@Eesha I have a male friend in his mid 40s who struggled with it. He was finding the women he met either had kids or didn't want them, he didn't click with some people who might have wanted them. Basically, needle in a haystack scenario. He ended up with someone he clicked with but didn't want kids. Fact is as he said, he could have carried on searching for someone who ticked that box and then found that they couldn't have kids. Basically at this age there's always a compromise. I think since the 2 of you get on so well and its early days its worth seeing how it goes?

@supercali77 I'd say you've got it, it's taken him a while to find a spark and he's wondering where we can possibly go future wise. I think we are living in unprecedented times so we are trying to enjoy the time together.

Oh @cravingthelook Mr Planner! He was the first MN iron I got invested in when I first started lurking on this thread. I was so disappointed for you when it didn't work out. He is not going to be kind to you and he ought to behave himself! You must forget him (says the girl who spent more time thinking of her ex than enjoying the view on her recent seaside date)!

cravingthelook Mr Planner is a headfuck merchant extraordinaire!

Hmmm....my previous FWB of 6 months, Mr Shipwreck, was still living with his ex. They were living on different floors and, as far as possible, living separate lives, though (corroborated by the many, many rants he had to me about his situation ). If they genuinely are separated and he's waiting to move on, I would say that's OK for a FWB situation, no?

thepunkymate new name?! Now I wish that I liked phone calls, because that sounds like a good tactic on your part....

I’m intrigued by the phone step too!

It’s impossible to control these things completely but I think if I had a high proportion of time wasters I’d do the same.

A phone call adds a degree of accountability and commitment.

@crackofdoom

A little more probing and I found he was planning to separate but she knew nothing of him meeting other people. I told him I'd done non monogamy but only when it is totally open - so not for me.

Mr Planner, WTF indeed. I deleted the chat again but why ask me a question if you don't want to talk to me unless it's just to get back in my head. Fucking annoying as I really liked him and he knew it. If he genuinely liked me but was worried about it being too fast a simple honest conversation would have been enough ... idiot.

@cravingthelook

when people play games like that (hot/cold or briefly drawing your attention and then ignoring you) they’re trying to wind you up and goad you into chasing after them/working hard to socially and romantically impress them.

It’s a power/control/headfuck thing.

So you think “...if I tried harder or maybe did this which I don’t want to do he or she will like me more...”.

If you continue “as friends” the dynamic will be really imbalanced and who needs friends without your best interests at heart?

Don’t feel you’ve got to find a replacement or “win”, just ignore him and take care of yourself

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople ... I replied 'Yes' in response to his question then ignored and deleted.

That's probably winding him up more 😝

I will not be chasing him, I will just continue to give him direct responses and not engage. 😁

Why not block him though? He is messing with your head, and so long as the door is open I reckon he will continue to do so

Hi all so much I would need to catch up on I would not know where to start 😂 how are you all?

I am still with Mr Return. I have not been well lately and although he’s being supportive I’ve started feeling really ratty and a bit irritated by him sometimes. Not all of it is his fault to be fair and we haven’t fallen out or argued I am just finding him annoying sometimes.

He’s very distracted nowadays by a million other things so I am slipping to the bottom of a large pile and I’m being very patient as again, not actually his fault a lot of it and he is trying to do a lot of things at once - his housing situation is still a complete mess due to COVID and a very long story. So we have zero privacy or alone time anymore due to our living situations (my child is always home and he is with his parents 🙄😭). I made an effort last week with making the most of an empty house which was nice but I feel like if we don’t keep this side (sex) alive now it’s going to die off rapidly and I think he’s not that fussed but I bloody am. He didn’t brush his teeth properly the other day and that annoyed me - it takes 2 mins and he did it for 2 seconds. Then I didn’t want to kiss him at all and felt all irritated. Also he is always insinuating that I am super fussy and he feels out of place. I’m not. But I don’t like to wake up to a house that stinks of last nights dinner, he offered to clean up but it was a crap effort 😂

He keeps saying we need a holiday but we can’t go on one 😂

Anyway it now sounds like we have been married 20 years but we met in April!

Can anyone catch me up on you guys?

menora could you just do a cheap night away try booking.com or Airbnb in the nearest “pretty town” rather than a full on holiday? Prices are good right now.

I’m going to just get myself a few solo nights in a shit B and B before the next big lockdown

(If it’s any comfort I remember reading an article in a Buddhist magazine about someone who was a trainee nun - so obviously entering a temple, full of goodwill and love and expectations of peace - who said the HARDEST thing was living with other people and adjusting to their domestic habits without wanting to kill them...)

I’m still with my MrCountry, I didn’t feel initial cracking chemistry with him (literally my “last meet before an app break”)

but we got together and now he’s somewhere on a rig off Africa and we’re in touch and “on a promise” till he comes back.

So not jumping to conclusions but fingers crossed 🤞

We could do a one night thing, i have been ill and we both need to watch money so it’s not ideal time really. Plus his ex is useless and rarely has the DC past 12pm on a Saturday so it would have to be a quick Friday night getaway. We will at some point

My dire man of internet dating was lovely at first and we just chatted and got on really well.

He dated lots of women and told me how he got on, so more of a friend online really. Something didn't feel right so I didn't meet him. We continued to chat and he then ghosted me for months then suddenly reappeared and promised to remain as friends and never ghost again - he did.
I stupidly reached out and said hello months later - chatted again - this time different and sexual - he ran down his partner who he said he was with because he didn't want to be alone - he ran her down big time and I stupidly thought we had a chance.

I invested, he backed off and stayed with the woman who he said he didn't love and that he had a boring dull relationship with. However, he wanted boring and dull at home and exciting on the side. He was a total prick. I finally told him to fuck off and never contact him again. A few years ago now and realised what an idiot and how lonely I was - I'm different now and in a relationship but if ever single again would not be sucked into the dire men of the internet crap again

A little more probing and I found he was planning to separate but she knew nothing of him meeting other people

Ah, right

Can I join in? I've been reading the thread for ages. I live in rural France and am in my 50's. I've been on so many bad dates and dated someone for 9 months who was a bit controlling but believe me its difficult out here in the french countryside. I finished with him and then he stalked me badly - I had to change my locks and finally report him to the Police - just awful. Then I had a break for a while and just got back into it. Had another couple of bad dates then met someone who ticked all my boxes but he is Dutch and we had a really nice couple of dates and the last one went really well. He drove an hour each time to see me and asked if we could be 'dating' properly and I was so pleased. Had a nice sexy kiss by my car and I thought finally I'd found someone. He was so invested and lovely. Then sadly his mum died and he had to go back to Holland and sort everything out. Kept messaging me throughout although not as much which I understand. Was supposed to be back in France today and messaged me at the weekend to say how much he was looking forward to seeing me. Then this morning - he messaged and told me that he had met an old girlfriend at the funeral and decided to get back together and is selling his house in France and moving back :(

I'm in a state and I can't believe I invested so much so early. I KNOW the rules and I let myself believe in it and now I feel so stupid. On our lovely date he said he would never move back, that he loved it here and now he had met someone and was really excited for the future and I bought into it. I should give my head a wobble. It was only a couple of dates but I feel so down about it all. I'm working from home and I could barely operate today.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

@Frenchlady14 I'm not quite sure if you said how long you had been dating Mr Dutch but he could possibly have been future faking and love bombing you. No wonder you got so invested when he was talking about never moving back and that he was excited for the future. I'm sure so many women would have been just as invested as you.
The only advice I can really give you is to be kind to yourself and that it will take time for you to heal.

@Frenchlady14h

Welcome and bonjour

Agree with @Dancerinthemoonlight just be kind to yourself. We’ve all been there.

I’d say I’m quite an “intelligent sorted person” and I definitely come across that way IRL but of course there are going to be situations in dating where I feel stupid or hurt or I made the wrong decisions

It’s hard to say if he was love bombing you - sometimes “shit does just happen”?

I was on a promise to a guy I met last last year - we’d a couple casual dates but cracking chemistry and I’d agreed over messaging to wait for him (long distance)

but then I (genuinely) had a horrendous accident which could have screwed up my exams/training/career and just didn’t have the emotional energy to “see how it went with new man long distance”.

Especially at the moment with possibly a couple years of lockdowns I think everyone’s being warier because we can’t just get on a plane at short notice?

Stay on this thread!

Dancerinthemoonlight Thanks so much for replying. I hadn't been dating him long but speaking for a while. He did kind of love bomb me because we met on a dating site then he disappeared. He came back to the site a couple of months later saying he'd been looking for me and so glad he found me again and that he'd had to return to Holland because his daughter had been ill - we hadn't had a date by that time. I suppose I was a a bit flattered because he said he couldn't remember where he'd met me and had to join a couple of sites to find me again (typing this I realise I was completely reeled in !!) So we had two great dates and really connected on the second one then he had to go back again suddenly then this happened today. I am SO cross with myself - I really believed that this could work out - we had such a great time. Why at my age did I not see all these red flags? I feel like a bit of a (very sad) twit now. I'll get over it, but I can't believe how deflated I am. It's pretty difficult to date over here - everyone is so far away and when you meet someone that seems like someone you could really like ... back to the drawing board but I'm not sure I've got the heart for it after this one.

Bundbedpeople Thank you x I know that maybe his family circumstances made him rethink his life. Things are very strange for all of us but he was obviously keeping me in reserve while he was away :( He must have met her again and still kept messaging me right to the very end. I keep up with this thread and sympathise and agree with you all so I'm so glad to actually join. When he was not messaging much - I thought because of family circumstances - my daughter said to me that no message is a message in itself. She was so right!!

@frenchlady14 it's very easy not to see the red flags when you are in the situation. I have found that on several occasions and it's only when I step back or post on here and the others comment that I go 'you idiot, why didn't you see them'
Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need to heal

Thanks lovely. I'll join the thread now and I really appreciate you replying. You're so right. Can't we see the red flags when they are not us? It's a bit like life generally. You feel yourself saying 'noooo!!' in your head for other people but when it's you - you can't see it. FGS I got so invested far far to soon - I see that but it still stings

Date with Mr Booked It tomorrow has been changed to 6:30 instead of 8 as he doesn't have to work tomorrow, apparently all he has is paper work to do which won't take long. Another phone call this afternoon with him and I am now not sure if we have the same thing in mind for the future but I will go on the date knowing this and see how we get on in person because as we have all seen it could be completely different in person as to by text or on the phone.
Still having my coffee date with Mr Dirty Dancing on Thursday at 3. He is being really kind and giving me advice on certain things. I am not sure I fancy him from his pictures but again could be completely different in person. He has said he is looking for that spark and if he doesn't find it in me then he hopes we could be good friends.
Potentially have a drink and a chat date with a new iron called Mr Horse on Saturday, I matched with him last night.

I am going to stop any swiping and new chats until I have had these dates as it is beginning to get confusing and overwhelming with so many chats on the go. I need to whittle down the selection before initiating any new ones.

Hi @Frenchlady14 ... we've all been there. Agree with my girl @Dancerinthemoonlight 😁

I know right @crackofdoom ... I got a big apology message from him today.

My date tonight was sweet and funny but so not my type, thankfully he didn't go in for a kiss .. phew

Meeting Mr Swan at an ungodly hour so I'm off to bed now

Hello Frenchlady, so sorry that such a shitty thing happened to you. You weren't to know....it sounded like he had quite a legitimate excuse!

This is the difficult thing, and this was the difficult thing with lockdown, and it's coming again....It's always, always a good idea to meet ASAP, and crack on with an embryonic fling until you know where it's going...but what about when you can't? When circumstances mean you can't see someone either initially or again for weeks, or even months, and you just....keep...messaging.....and building up those expectations....

I am talking to two men from Fab who both sound really interesting, both far from run of the mill, and who are both professing their keenness to meet me, and saying that ultimately they're looking for a relationship.....and both, interestingly enough, have just moved from this area to Wales . They are both in a state of flux, too, and both saying that they'll be back down here very soon. Well, one's going nowhere for the foreseeable future, because his area will be in lockdown from Thursday.....

I've been enjoying chatting with them again today, but know I'll have to say to them again very soon that I don't want to message too much unless they actually have solid plans to be down here .