Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

sortingitout Oh, I have verifications....

Sometimes I have a read through them all if I'm feeling down. I know verifications on Fab are always positive (unless there was a serious issue), but they are very complimentary (about my personality, not just my relevant bodily organs) and leave me with a little glow. Now that's something you don't get on the more conventional dating sites!

I forget who asked- there is another way to get verified on Fab- something about sending them a naked shot of yourself or something?? But as a woman, it's generally not too difficult to find a man who'll give you one (fnaaaaaar).

I suppose you tailor your profile to what you want to find. I want to find 2 or 3 men/ couples to see regularly until I find someone to have a relationship with, so I kind of said that....in addition, I just couldn't spend time with someone who wasn't intelligent and a good conversationalist, so I have invoked the dread word sapiosexual.

If anybody happens upon a profile that quotes Blur and mentions handcuffing Tories to radiators, well hellooooo!

Grr! Now I don’t normally moan much on here but ... Matched, decent chat, and arranged a date for in the week, just needed to choose a location halfway. Found a nice little bar/restaurant and went back to suggest it as a meeting point and ..poof.. match has vanished ... unmatched overnight. What a very tough crowd it is out there. After a fortnight with DS I was dying for some grown up conversation too.

@HairyArsedMan ach thats rubbish. It would be great to have a dating admin assistant. Save all the palaver

Things still going great with mr A here. Hes a fucking hidden gem. Can't believe I happened upon one

Lol @HairyArsedMan it is mental adjusting to “the new etiquette” as it were - people just blocking/unmatching/detaching ASAP.

I had some fairly long chats on bumble with someone who came across fairly “nice” (wasn’t coming across as a player and I wasn’t even sure I’d fancy him tbh ) and we’d got to the “meet on Monday/I’ll come back with a venue over the weekend” then I didn’t get anything back when I sent him the details

It’s the new etiquette now though - I think it has definitely “got to” some people online as they then become quite desperate/angry/pushy in their initial contact (or have vaguely menacing lines on their profile about how they hate time wasters)

But there’s not a lot to do about it really, apart from to be slightly miffed and have a slightly British moan

I think when you get to Level Dean of dating you start randomly thinking about “tactics” or “game” (should I start doing x or y or z?) but really if you have decent photos/are polite/open to meeting new people there’s not actually a lot more you can do to control a fairly multi-variable situation...

Grrrr.... Had a most delightful date with Mr Dogs today. Beautiful place on the beach, lovely lunch, fabulous walk, but he kept kissing me (fair enough as I kissed him in the car park after date one) and it turns out I did not want to kiss him back at all. And I started thinking about my ex and how excited I was about him after our first date and how I was not excited about Mr Dogs at all and then I just missed my ex a lot. So I had to tell Mr Dogs it wasn't going to go anywhere which he was disappointed but grown up about and then I drove home and felt sad.

Maybe I, too, should take a break. Haven't even been back OLD for two weeks and I've already reached level Dean and dumped an iron!

@cravingthelook I find that, you wait forever for a date and then multiple turn up at once. Thank you again for giving me a talking to this morning, I was very much needed.
I am also trying to sort out a date with Mr Dirty Dancing for this week and potentially an un-named iron for the weekend. I think I draw the line at three dates in a week though.
I know the interest in me will die down, it is just because I am a 'new' face on the apps (hardly new but took a break and deleted my profile)

Ok folks... AIBU to be upset by this. I've been on a dating site for months now and it's so hard to meet anyone decent, especially in a slightly older age group. My friend - whose long term relationship ended just a few weeks ago - has been on the same dating site three days and has had a date with someone and it went amazing. I'm pleased for her but it has upset me if I'm honest. Especially as we had previously messaged each other. It's so hard. I've been single for years!!

Glad things still going really well @supercali77 and thanks @bunkbedpeople yep, there’s not much that can be done except to move on with a sigh of relief.

Trying not to get ahead of myself with MrCountry - he’s away for another month but the limited amount of messaging has felt positive - I wouldn’t say we’re having major intellectual discussions or big declarations of romance but feels “comfortable”, like I’m messaging a supportive person who I fancy.

But we need to cross the next step of his return first... I think things will be clearer after the first few meets, if they don’t work out I’ll be back on the apps.

@HairyArsedMan That's a really horrible feeling when they've unmatched and vanished from your list.

I just had a match which popped up and the guy had written a lovely little into message like 'Ooooo Rural exciting that we matched. You look like my kind of woman' and by the time I got to it millseconds later he/it was gone

Could there be technical gremlins at play as I still keen getting 'matched' with people I've never set eyes on and people wayyyyy out of my distance range.

She might be also thinking wtf? He unmatched me?!?

It could be gremlins...

I know there was some talk a few pages back about what to say when the opening message is 'your Fit' and I can't remember who it was so I'm sorry but they had wanted to respond with 'i know'
Tonight I finally did it after getting so many and ignoring them. I received '😂 yeah your welcome'

I have potentially been blocked by a non named iron I was trying to make plans with for the weekend. It was like getting blood out of a stone. It's difficult to tell as he didn't have a profile picture but the message hasn't been delivered - could always not have internet but I will just wait and see. Not a big deal if he has as it was proving such hard work to set a date

mumtolittleorange It would piss me off too, but try not to read too much into it.

I have 3 or 4 friends who are OLD, and, because we're a similar type of person and the pool is pretty shallow down here, there are constantly crossovers. I'm upset that friend A had a date with the dreamy williamitwasreallynothing after I was instantly smitten by him - which was not reciprocated- but weirdly enough he seemed to fancy her, and she didn't fancy him! (How? How?). Meanwhile, friend B was a little miffed that I'd got it together with Mr Shipwreck, when she'd been chatting away to him on Tinder, then he'd suddenly gone quiet (because he'd met me on Fab, it later transpired).

It's swings and roundabouts, it really is- there's no rhyme or reason to it. It's tricky, though, -as someone who would prefer to keep her dating life separate from her normal life, I just have to grin and bear it, and wish everyone well.

@Dancerinthemoonlight honestly, save yourself loads of time and wondering by not bothering to set dates with anyone it feels like blood from a stone with.

@crackofdoom
The site verification about whether you are male or female is just a photo of you holding a piece of paper with your username and fabswingers on it, you must have your face and 2 hands in the photo.
No nudity required.

I know what you mean about verifications, i used to read mine occasionally.
I personally like the verifications that arent all about sex and include a bit about personality as well.

My profile is currently hidden as I'm with Mr K but we both agreed to keep our profiles but just hide them.
You never know when you might need it again!!!

@supercali77 I'm not bothering, he knows I am free this weekend so it's up to him to suggest something if not then it is his loss and there are plenty more men out there who will make the effort

@Dancerinthemoonlight I agree with @supercali77, just delete and block the blood from a stone guy. There’s no point if it’s such hard work for you. Suspect he was just on an ego trip.

My mantra on OLD was ‘one week to meet’. Though in fact, on consulting my trusty spreadsheet, I note that for the 3 OLD relationships I’ve had, it was between 6 hours and 4 days. Messages pinged like bullets from the word go - both sides. And serious effort was made.

I always assumed no profile pic meant married.

@dancemom I'm so sorry I made you dredge all that up again. What a horrific tale of deceit and shock. Fair play to you for not getting in touch with his wife to tell her what her 'd'h was up to. And he then went stalker mentalist on you too? WTAF that is such a cautionary tale if ever I heard one. Glad you have reached happier times now.

@TiggerDatter I'm inclined to agree. All my OLD matches that have turned into actual romances have been energetic and enthusiastic messaging and a keenness to meet - those that are dreary, lacklustre and laggy tend to be so when we eventually meet.

Thanks for pointing this out. I'm going to start filtering out on this basis as a way of getting out of time/petrol wasting first dates and only giving energy to those who are a decent seeming match.

For eg. matched during the night with a guy who wrote me a wonderful first message - long, funny, enthusiastic and flattering. You could tell he was overjoyed to have matched and his tone/writing style is similar to mine.
I decided to give him my phone number in my message back & will aim to set up a date this week if he's available.

I am soooooo over doing endless texts with people i haven't met in person as Friday nights (dire) date showed - their wit and things in common count for nothing if they are dire in person. A brief bit of fact checking yes - in my list a car is a must have but endless chit chat. Not necessary and can lead to false expectations & bonding.

tigger you have a spreadsheet?! I aspire to need a spreadsheet. My dates are rare enough that I can keep them all in my head. But I agree, all chats that led to an actual date were within days. Otherwise they just fade, as neither party seems interested enough to bother with a meet.

Feeling a bit fed up this morning. Been thinking about giving FWB a chance and possibly being in a relationship but over the past couple of weeks he’s kind of showing his true colours, he wants me to drive out to see him, he’s self employed and apparently hasn’t got money to put fuel in his car to come see me because he’s not done any work, he has been offered loads of work but has chosen to do other things. I spent yesterday in A&E, when I told him I was going to hospital he sounded really concerned, told me to let him know what’s happening etc..., so I was in A&E all day on my own (due to covid restrictions), I messaged him after an hour or so to tell him what was going on...no answer, I didn’t hear anything from him until late last night, apparently he had his phone off all day because he didn’t want to deal with people bothering him for work. So obviously he wasn’t concerned about me being in hospital. He’s not asked how I am or anything 😐😐. So that’s kind of conformed for me that he’s not relationship material.

I don’t really have any other irons other than one guy who I share a weird hobby with.

@WeWantTheFinestWines yes the spreadsheet was a must, not for quantity so much as accuracy and to serve as a record for posterity 😂. I had 15 first dates in just under two years, so not huge numbers. I’m old and my memory is poor!

@Lovemusic33 I’m sorry but he does sound like an immature loser 😕. I hope you’re ok today? A&E must have been a miserable place 💐

@Ruralbliss it's okay I'm over it now and a good reminder that you never really know someone, I spent entire weekends with this guy and several evenings a week and had no idea he had a whole other life.

I'm trying not to carry baggage from that relationship to my current one, I dont want to be suspicious or paranoid or untrusting but then I worry that I'm overcompensating and should be more aware ... so yeah maybe not completely over it 🙄

@dancemom
As someone who falls hard and fast after one non-dire date I am really going to learn from your own experience.
I'm still reeling.
What an utter utter utter bastard.
Glad you feel over it and sounds like being circumspect not a bad thing - a pessimist is rarely disappointed.

My own studies tell me it takes around 4-6 months of seeing someone to know them.
Not one or two heady dates.

I'm continuing to wobble my head and give myself a stern talking to.

Feeling a bit unsure here. My iron of 10 dates really wants kids. I don't want more kids as I'm mid 40s and have done all that on my own. He still wants us to keep seeing each other and we are generally really happy. Do I be the bigger person and split us up?

Oh gosh @Eesha, that's a tough one. I guess both of you are taking a calculated risk by continuing to see each other. If you have been clear about your feelings regarding more children then he knows your position. Are you considering ending it to protect yourself or to allow him to find someone who does want children ? It depends how big that 'want' is for him ? If it comes up frequently in conversation then it will probably become an issue.