Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

It's not heavy or accusatory just that I wish him well & hope he's ok etc.

My ex sent me a letter like that. I'm sure it made him feel better, but it just annoyed me. I suppose he didn't care about how it made me feel!

@VanGoghsDog
Ha ha well if I'm brutally honest I guess my secret aim is to annoy him cos he's annoyed me!

And to nudge him for the contact details of his friend who he said would help with some specialist concerns I have (land & vehicles)

I'll sit on the idea for a while but this tactic has worked twice in the past with exes coming back to say 'Yeah sorry about being a shit'

Loving your happy stories, sympathising with the bad ones. OLD is a total head fuck. I'm going to drive two hours tomorrow to visit Mr Dogs in his place by the sea. Lunch, walk, who knows... I know what he'd like to do but I'm not sure I do. I'd like to want to have sex with him, and our car park kiss was not dire, but ultimately he's not my ex. And he's not handsome like my ex was. So I don't lust after him like I did my ex. He's much funnier than my ex, but I'm not looking for a comedian...

At least it will be a lovely day by the sea, he's good company, we'll have a laugh... I hope there is a happy ending out there for all of us. Or at least some hot sex and moreish car park kissing.

So I made a fab account and a POF account again for a change.
I've deleted hinge again, such dire offerings for me, bumble is going the same way, after the hundreds of chats I've ever had on there none have led to dates so I don't know why I bother.
Tinder I have a few matches but no one is particularly chatty.

So I've got one chat from POF on the go - he seems nice Mr Hood

1 really promising one from fab Mr Mechanic - we've been chatting on WhatsApp and he seems really nice so far. Going to meet for a social next week.

Couple more fab chats, one an A&E Dr that wants to come round in his scrubs to examine me 😆 one is a Dean... I kid you not

@Ruralbliss you're asking him how he is? But is that actually what you want to know or is it....what happened re ghosting. I think, in cases like this its important to know what your expectations are. If he doesnt reply, if he does and you don't like the content. I dunno, there's a saying I like 'dont expect to be healed by the person who wounded you'. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me to go to them for answers. Ghosting after a period of time together points to a kind of moral bankruptcy.

So about to go on 3rd date. We chatted a bit last night and he’s booked a restaurant for 7.30. Sent me the reservation details with address etc. Thing is, I haven’t heard from him today. Do I assume we’re still on?

@Newtodatinggulp I would assume yes at this point, but would message to check

@Newtodatinggulp

Yes I would, he booked and sent you the details thus it's on

Argh! I’ve been out of the dating game for so long I don’t know how it works anymore!

So is it too much for me to expect him to have confirmed?

@WeWantTheFinestWines Hope you have a great time and already looking forward to an update.
I hear you re comparisons with exes.
Hate that but it can't be helped.

@Newtodatinggulp yes I too would assume it was on but also would want the certainty of of a message to confirm.
Could you message to check he hasn't changed his mind, had an unexpected catastrophe or a better offer etc and hope he gets back to you before you change into evening clothes? In my mind it's a bit odd to not message ahead of the date but then this is what we do with our platonic mates isn't it - make an arrangement and get on with our own lives until time to head out & meet people at the predetermined place and proceed to enjoy their company.

@supercali77 No my drafted letter to the phantom which continues to haunt me (and every date I have) does not ask how he is. Just states take care & hope you are well as a sign off. The only Q asks if he can forward friend details to me.

I genuinely hope he is ok as seemed so very sweet & I liked him such a lot. If the letter annoys him then that's his problem for not bowing out graciously & giving me at least some 'Thanks but no thanks' message.

I don't expect him to get in touch but if he does then great...unless he tells me to stop being such an unhinged weirdo which would be fair enough I guess.

cravingthelook Not.....Dirty Dean

With Bumble, did you ask them for a date, or did you wait for them to ask you? I think quite a few men on there wait for women to continue to take the lead...

@crackofdoom yes, WhatsApp chatted with many too but I was always ghosted or told they'd changed their mind before it got to date point.

Fab is hilarious the Dr is very keen 😊

@crackofdoom I only ever had two dates off Bumble, both hilariously bad. I found it full of utter timewasters who took it as an ego boost that a woman messaged them - and that was the high point 😂. Most have no intention of leaving the basements where they lurk. Oh, and the app allows dick pics unlike Tinder. Give me Tinder any day.

I wish there were more nutters down here...currently trying to fix times for 2 Fab dates tomorrow, and being messed around. One I may forgive because he had a genuine work emergency today and has amazing tattoos, the other is probably going to get cancelled. I think 4 times I have asked him to finalise details and he's taken the convo off on another tangent .

And weirdly, I’ve met the loveliest of women through Bumble and never needed my ego massaged to engage with them. They just lead with a hi, and the conversation goes from there. I’ve always gone on to ask for a date when the conversation if the conversation takes off, or made my excuses if it didn’t.

I have had plenty of matches expire without contact though ... I think that just shows that both men and women routinely hedge their bets and keep their options as open as possible. As seen on Tinder too, judging by the number of women’s profiles that lead with ‘why match and not message !?’.

Do women do that too?!! So many men's profiles say that and it just makes me swipe left every time. I seem to spend a considerable part of my life swiping left...😥 Often while muttering 'twat' or 'fuck off'...

@Ruralbliss I mean...you sound nonchalant about a reply but also its haunting you?. It seems pointless to me really but if it serves some purpose for you...

I made other plans once when someone didn't confirm on the day. We'd also made concrete plans. Anyway he texted where was i, he was waiting at the bar. I think he'll be there but equally, not particularly demonstrating good comms

They do. I find it to be a little self absorbed - don’t they realise there are lots of other men and women on there at least as attractive as them that could’ve been matched with their matches too ?

I find swiping on Tinder really ruins my (admittedly very low) dating mojo. One plus for the free Bumble is that you can add a couple of filters to reduce the numbers.

I don't expect him to get in touch but if he does then great

Except you do need him to contact you with his friend's details?

My matches time out on Bumble because I am busy doing other things, or can't think what to say, or when the match appears I'm just not in the mood for it. Plus at first you get like ten at once and that's a lot of pressure.

But I hate any profile that whines about the app or the matches etc. It's just not a good look. In essence I am being pre-told-off for other people's bad behaviour!

I hate a profile that complains about matches not messaging too. I have seen a load on tinder saying “you need to message me if we match cos I can’t see likes” - they clearly don’t know how tinder works, idiots. Also “I’m not paying for gold so message me if we match” - tight idiot.
Asking for kindness and honesty just indicates to me that they have been messed about in the past.
I need to take a break for a week or two, I’m feeling very irritable with online men at the moment.

@Ruralbliss forgive me if I have the details wrong but was Mr Phantom someone you had one date with and then he ghosted you? There is nothing on earth that would make me contact someone in those circumstances. You have spoken about how much he got under your skin etc so it seems a little disingenuous to say you don't want to hear from him? I can't see any plus side to contacting him. He has your contact details. If he wanted to get in touch with you he would have done.

@Newtodatinggulp did the date go ahead?

Really not sure what kind of mentalist planet I was dwelling yesterday.

Of course I'm not going to send anything to phantom man (yep just the one date ages ago now) to even consider sending anything. Normal service thankfully has now resumed after a sleep.

I'm beginning to wonder if there might be a post-dire date syndrome to be identified where past exes/ghosters/FWB arise from the dead to haunt due to the disappointment of a dire date especially where expectations are high.... 🤔

That's what happened to me I think after the horribleness of Friday which in turn was after a few weeks of absolutely hilarious texting and coincidence sharing.

Had a great evening with my daughters and woke up thinking 'Bloody hell I ought to watch that. If in the future I have more dire dates I'm susceptible to doing really stupid things...' (I'd also got in touch with an ex to suggest meeting up which he said yes to - the idea now feels completely preposterous).

Lunch date today. I have zero expectations. Know nothing about him other than he's doing a PhD & laughs nicely when chatting. If he's nice then that'll be a pleasant surprise. If he's not for me then no matter.

Does anyone have experience of Return of The Exes once you're in a relationship?

Been with Mr G for over 6 months now and in that time 4 exes have reappeared, one i had to threaten with the police because he wouldnt leave me alone and most recently last night I guy I met online 3 years ago and kept in touch with sporadically decides to tell me he has fallen for me?!

Where were these guys when I was single and lonely??

@dancemom They've probably just had some dire dates & now temporarily being haunted by flames of the past!

Had to call the police on one of them -that sounds horribly stressful.

6 months already with your Mr G time is flying