Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

I don't think there's anything missing really, except perhaps intensity? (Out of the bedroom, that is.) And he's not quite as funny or politically aware as my exes. But then they are exes for a reason i suppose...

Being each other's team is very important though @TiggerDatter I assume you say you love each other after so much time together.

@Clovertoast I'm so glad you have spoken to Mr P now. I hope you feel better after getting out in the open.

Yes, we exchange the L word and he mutters the M word often too ( i knock that on the head every time). Gah, i don't know, i'm very tired and have been overworking. I shall let the flow go and enjoy the here and now. Because he really is lovely.

@TiggerDatter
What do you want long term?
He sounds pretty close to being 'The One'

Of course 'The One' means different things to different people.

I think you have the perfect set up, you dont want to get married again and he seems to tick a lot of boxes.

When you talk about intensity outside the bedroom what do you want?

I am 2.5 years out of a 17yr marriage/19yr relationship which was emotionally abusive so was full of drama and i ran on adrenaline constantly.

Mr K (who i met on fab) and I have such an easygoing relationship with no drama and sometimes it makes me panic that there should be more ups and downs.
I think i was so used to running on adrenaline all the time and being on high alert all the time that i forgot what a normal relationship is.

I'm not yet 40 and when i left my husband i planned to be single forever with an FB or 2.
I know i would never live with anyone again.

Even after meeting Mr K who is everything i want and need in a man i have no plans to live with him or merge households.
We are both happy with this, we spend 3 or 4 nights a week together (between his and my house) and it suits us perfectly.

Tiredness causes irrational thoughts so maybe when you are less tired have another think about what you want now and in the future and whether he can meet that.

@Clovertoast
I feel like you are in a high state of anxiety all the time that you dont have your kids to distract you.

Have you had counselling after your marriage?

How are you getting on with building a fabulous life for yourself with friends and hobbies?

TiggerDatter what is The One, and what is forever?? Surely, once you've passed that horrible urgency to find someone to have kids with, all you need is to enjoy someone in the here and now. After all, we all die alone......(I'm a morbid fucker, aren't I? )

In other news.....is there any appropriate response to the question "Are you a squirter?" from someone you've never met other than "No, but I'll piss the bed if you want me to- as long as it's your bed". FFS

Crackofdoom that would be a block from me if I didn’t know them or a subject change if I was feeling very charitable and it was an iron from fab.

What is the appropriate response to “your so pretty and funny”? I have tried “thanks” and a subject change and I’m tempted to go with “I know”. Compliments are not my love language and make me feel really uncomfortable. But men seem to keep doing it and I need a stock reply.

Oh @crackofdoom send that reply and then block
@Wasail I’m the same I usually deflect or go self deprecating with compliments when thanks would suffice ...I’m an awkward idiot though 😂
@TiggerDatter your ‘thing’ sounds fabulous - don’t overthink just go with it
I finally plucked up the courage to ask Mr German did he want to meet and he was on for it so we are meeting this evening ...he said he was going to ask me and he was just a bit slow! I’ve no time for slow man 🤣 I will update.
The other one was supposed to call me this evening for a chat but got a last minute dinner invite with friends could be a date who knows but he may still call later and I may answer if I am back from my date we only started chatting a few days ago so I’m not too bothered.

I've had a nap now and feel a bit more rational!

Yes, @crackofdoom, it's the here and now that matters most, especially in these weird times. I must remember that. I've always expected/planned to die alone and I'm OK with that.

What it is, is that i'm freaked by his asking me to marry him. He's a pretty conventional man and he just thinks ' i love her, I marry her'. I don't see it that way at all, and i've explained my reasoning, and he's accepted it (mainly to do with money/protecting assets/been there, done that), so he's stopped asking. I'm pretty sure that when he is finally divorced - which is a whole other saga - he will start up again. i don't see me changing my thinking. But we'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it.

@SortingItOut yes, it's the gentle harmony that to me is so strange as well, as my XH was/is a bundle of erratic energy which meant i never, ever relaxed. This guy is a revelation to me.

Haven't caught up on the thread. @notcoolmum he did say on the phone he was trying to work out if it was worth coming and seeing me. Asking me what I'm like in a relationship, if I like being intimate, touchy feely etc. I wasn't expecting to hear from his after the phone call but then he texted with a table at a restaurant booked in my area hence the name. I'm just going to go and have a nice night. No expectations

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I’d be a bit at the “working out if it was worth coming to see me” and all the questions about intimacy - it does read a little bit like he’s fishing to see if you’re up for sex?

(I mean there’s nothing wrong with that just something to maybe be mindful of, if that’s not what you’re after straight off?)

So... Can I ask for some advice?

Had a date last week (A) and planned to go to his house for dinner tomorrow night, but I've barely heard from him in between, maybe one or two messages a day.

But last night I had a drink with another guy B, who is making a lot more effort, I like as much and wants to see me next week.

I was thinking of dating both, but now realised I'm not that bothered by A.

Should I just say I've changed my mind, and how do I do it? He's not putting in much effort at all. Sorry, new to dating post divorce

@Bunkbedpeople that's what I thought and if he thinks that then he will be sorely disappointed. He has booked a table at a restaurant so isn't expecting to come round mine straight away. He isn't going to get invited back for coffee or anything. We are meeting about 30 minutes away from me. I know how strong my boundaries can be even when I really fancy someone

@Oopsiedaisyy

Quick polite message, something like you’ve enjoyed meeting him but there seems to be a mutual feeling/vibe you’re not a great match going forward and don’t want to waste his time planning future meets ?

All the best with his.....career/sports/travel whatever it is you’ve talked about

If you’ve not been in touch much then he’s probably on the same page

I’ve not had to do this for a while but I think polite quick honesty with no drama is normally best - I used to HATE doing this and overthink it and feel guilty and think I had to make up some weird complicated excuse - but really after one meet he’s not going to be that invested?

(If he’s a normal guy he’ll send a polite message back, if not just block him)

@Bunkbedpeople yes, good idea. He said I'll see you tomorrow, which hardly implies a desperate desire to spend time with me or counting the hours

Oopsiedaisy you tell A something has come up and you won't be able to make dinner. Then you go out with B. Don't even think twice about A's feelings. You're not going to stand him up, you're calling politely. He doesn't even seem that bothered. You cancelling may make him more interested. So if B doesn't work out, you can rearrange with A. Sorted.

Yeh I know what you mean @Oopsiedaisyy - I know the dating culture now is for guys to be quite laid back

And I don’t really like elaborate planned out dates

but someone giving the vibe that they’re doing me some sort of favour by “hanging out” and “letting me come over to theirs/coming over to mine - which often involves sex” is just and a bit of a romantic and sexual turn off

There we are yet more proof that having a long textual intercourse ahead of meeting is a totally stupid thing to do. When will I ever learn?

Had date it was crap as far as I was concerned. Such a shame as on paper absolutely loads in common but in the flesh nah no spark for me. Yet again nothing compared to the Phantom that got under my skin.
Plus he got a bit shirty with me when I answered 'Yes' to his 'Have you got any more dates lined up?'...

I'm crap at telling people I'm not feeling it. Especially when they clearly think I'm nice ( he kissed me. I hated it). I don't know what I'm going to do. My daughter thinks I should see him again to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think it'd be a waste of time and petrol.

Have a lunch date on Sunday.
I'm feeling like I might try calling the one that ghosted me in Aug as I don't seem to be able to move on and maybe just a chat would help with that.

What is the appropriate response to “your so pretty and funny”?

My response to that would be "I think you mean you're" - but don't listen to me, I'm single!

I think texting once or twice a day between dates is plenty, in fact it's gushing! Once or twice a week is fine for me, I don't do much so I don't have much to say.
But really, what I mean is, this may be him making an effort! If would be for me. If it doesn't work for you that's one thing but it's not a standard that people should text a certain number of times or anything.

@Ruralbliss I'm sorry to hear last night's date was disappointing. It's awful when that happens. Personally I wouldn't see him again if I didn't feel anything first time around. And please don't contact the guy who ghosted you. He ghosted you for a reason. As hard as it is, leave him be. Dating is extremely hard, we have all been there. Is it worth taking a break for a few weeks and taking some time for yourself?
An update from me. I posted a few weeks ago about a "non date date" with someone I've known for a very long time who contacted me via FB after I publicly divorced myself from OLD. It turned into a two night date! He came up again this week. We are getting on famously. Because I've known him so long (and fancied him for over 30 years) it all feels very easy and natural. I now officially have a boyfriend (I'm 51!!) and we are extremely happy together. It's long distance which works for us both for now, but we are talking tentatively about the future.

@TiggerDatter
Glad things felt better once you were less tired.

Enjoy your relationship for what it is, it sounds pretty perfect (except if he mentions marriage and you dont want it)

@cerealkillah
So pleased to hear your non date date became a date

Hey @cerealkillah what a wonderful update. That's soooo cool. What a wonderful thing.

Maybe I should go back on social media and broadcast out my own post marital status!

Thanks v much for the virtual head wobble. You are right re not contacting the ghostee. Nothing to be gained and a lot of dignity to lose

Just girding my loins to give the Thanks but not for me message. I'm a too-nice-people-pleaser so have trouble issuing negative messages.

One more date tomorrow with Mr Oirish who I've barely spoken to via text & just the one hour long phone call. He's not my type facially in the pics but as we on here know you don't know until you meet.

After that I'm definitely taking an Autumn/Winter/pandemic sabbatical from the men of the internet. My mum is identifying as vulnerable to Covid but has my teen kid after school so don't want to risk her health by further car park kissings with dire offerings.

Thanks again.

@Ruralbliss...car park kissings with dire offerings has to feature in the title of the next thread

I had my own car park kissing with a rather nice offering let night after my date with Mr German. We chatted easily for 3 hours and I liked him. I don’t know if it was that ‘hit me right in the guts feeling’ I had with Mr BlueEyes but I count that as a good thing as I ended up falling too hard too quickly there :(
He suggested meeting up again tonight but I’ve thought others were keen before and been let down so I’m not thinking further than one chat at a time.
Enjoy today’s dates all who are going out :)

@cerealkillah, what a great update. Really lovely to hear that someone has come (back) into your life and you're having fun.
@Ruralbliss, I am glad to read in your further post that you aren't planning on contacting Casper the ghost. He's not worth anymore of your head space and time. I do always feel that my friends who have never tried OLD have no concept of how much of a head fuck it can be. Lots of potential highs but too confusing and emotionally draining when what appear to be perfectly normal interactions take a sudden twist or come to an abrupt end. And the only person left to analyse in the situation is yourself - when in reality it is absolutely them and not you who has the issue.
I've had a bit of a rough week emotionally. My younger DD has been feeling very unsettled since going back to school ( yr11). My date on Thursday got curtailed because of it. Mr V was very understanding but it did worry me somewhat. My DDs always come first, as they would for all of us, but sometimes it can be emotionally draining to juggle everyone's needs. My last proper ex and I stayed in touch and he's now met someone who he seems keen to tell me about. I tried to intimate that maybe we should let each other move on but he said I had always been such a great friend that he didn't want to lose that. I think next time he calls I will say I don't want to maintain contact although part of me doesn't want him to know that it slightly bothers me that he's moving on. And I have gone NC with Mr Cocky. Very briefly - 6 years FWB who I talk to every day but who I rarely see in person. His track record is seeing multiple women for casual sex and that is what I assume he's continuing to do. But my feelings and our connection was always on a different level. We have seen each other through the roughest of times in the last 6 years. I've had to go NC because his antics were upsetting me and I should have been only focusing on Mr V. I had been the queen of cushioning for so long that only having one still isn't the most comfortable of places for me.

Oh yay @ZoZoBo what a lovely update from you too.
I get such joy from reading all the good news stories here
Please keep your friends here updated with further Mr German news when it comes.

I've written an old fashioned letter to post to The Phantom. I know it goes against good advice. I can't go on with my subconscious always returning to him.
I'll sleep on sending it.
It's not heavy or accusatory just that I wish him well & hope he's ok etc.

Looking forward to my Sunday lunch date with Mr Oirish. Have done minimal texting but a nice jolly phone chat so will be equal and opposite to last nights damp squib who I got into a through the day text thing with. Interestingly he has not texted me today. Maybe he telepathically knows his kissings made my skin crawl.