Moving in with boyfriend - how much do I contribute?

[SunshineOverStress]

So I’m 29, and have always lived with my mum apart from when I was at college and travelling.

My lovely boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy. I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house. I don’t want him to end up feeling resentful or anything and want to contribute something but how much?!

Obviously I’ll pay towards food shopping!

I earn about 28k a year and outgoings without rent are about £780 a month

Really @Rainagain72 would you be happy for your daughter to move in with a man as a 'kept woman'? She's already talking about not working, going travelling etc. She's nearly 30 and I'd want my DD to be independent and establishing her career and not being reliant on a man she barely knows at that stage.

This thread shows clearly what is wrong with Mumsnet
As I mentioned before there was a similar post where the roles were reversed and ppl were saying the mans was 'c* lodging', a cheapskate, manipulative and abusive.
Now the roles are reversed but guess what, now he is love bombing her, controlling , a narcissist and again the catch all ( with no facts needed) manipulative and abusive.
Obviously he cant be just a generous loving person ( as the OP has stated a number of times) but she is a victim and obviously too naive (stupid??) to realise his actions.
The OP seems like an independent and in control person, she has stated a number of times she has no worries about his character or his actions. Can we not all just believe her and write comments to answer her queries, rather than make up scenarios where she is suffering due to his behaviour.
Some posters really need to check their man hating tendencies and stop trying to ruin ppls relationships because of their own prejudice.

All this still living with Mummy that young people do nowadays, I would've been ashamed of/embarrassed by.

I know it's expensive to buy (buying would never have been an option for me, as it isn't for many people) but they could rent a room in a shared house to feel more like a grown up.

@SoulofanAggron

All this still living with Mummy that young people do nowadays, I would've been ashamed of/embarrassed by.

I know it's expensive to buy (buying would never have been an option for me, as it isn't for many people) but they could rent a room in a shared house to feel more like a grown up.

I agree, I am frequently bemused by the amount of young people happy to live with their parents I couldn't think of anything worse 😱

@SoulofanAggron

All this still living with Mummy that young people do nowadays, I would've been ashamed of/embarrassed by.

I know it's expensive to buy (buying would never have been an option for me, as it isn't for many people) but they could rent a room in a shared house to feel more like a grown up.

Blimey, how unnecessarily rude.

Living in a shared house doesn't miraculously make you all grown up. I didn't properly move out of home until I was 29 for various reasons. University, living in the SE with extortionate rents, MH issues and eventually, moving and needing to pass my driving test before I could afford to live elsewhere. I'm not remotely ashamed or embarrassed by any of that - why should I be? I'm now married, a home owner and seem to manage perfectly alright with paying my bills, running a business and running my own home to boot.

When I lived at home, I worked, paid rent, did my share of housework, bought my share of food, paid all my own bills. All my parents did was provide a room for me. But living there allowed me to save. It allowed me to buy me own car, to save for a deposit on a house - I couldn't have done any of that if I was forced to rent a shared room somewhere. The prices were just far too high.

There are plenty of things to be embarrassed by, but working and living with your parents in your twenties really isn't one of them.

@Notcoolmum

Really *@Rainagain72* would you be happy for your daughter to move in with a man as a 'kept woman'? She's already talking about not working, going travelling etc. She's nearly 30 and I'd want my DD to be independent and establishing her career and not being reliant on a man she barely knows at that stage.

No..if I had a daughter I wouldn’t be happy at all but not because I feared she would be abused....I’d be disappointed that my daughter sounded almost gleeful about ‘not having to pay anything!’ and at almost 30 years of age too...but I think a lot of replies are coming down too heavily on the man in this equation. If I’d ever told my Mum that I would be living as a lady of leisure...even jokingly or that I wouldn’t be paying my share when I could afford to..rightly or wrongly she would be disappointed in me.

Now the roles are reversed but guess what, now he is love bombing her, controlling , a narcissist and again the catch all ( with no facts needed) manipulative and abusive.

@Cheeseandwin5 His saying she could do some house work in return was something that could clearly be exploited/turn nasty with the wrong guy.

I think a lot of us are mainly concerned that she hasn't been seeing him long- yes it works for some people but it is more of a risk.

Also, whether he is dodgy or not, going halves is something to do just to be cautious and try andd keep things on an equal footing.

The OP seems like an independent and in control person

IDK where you got that from- she still lives with her parent(s) and her solution if it doesn't work out is to move back there again.

Some posters really need to check their man hating tendencies and stop trying to ruin ppls relationships because of their own prejudice.

I would say it's about caution and being alert rather than anything else. It wouldn't effect people's relationships negatively, it's just a matter of taking care of yourself and watching out for potential pitfalls etc.

@Notcoolmum The OP talking about not working and going travelling has nothing to with her not being independent. She's been backpacking before she met this guy. Maybe - shock horror - she just likes travelling and would be doing it with or without her boyfriend? Just because you want your DD to be establishing a career at 30, doesn't mean OP has to. Luckily her DM is letting her be independent by choosing her own path.

All very rude about the 'living with mummy' jibes too. In case you hadn't noticed the world has changed massively from higher education to home owning to employment patterns to parenting and the definition of 'grown up' is completely different to even a couple of decades ago. Thankfully OP's sense of self seems strong enough to not disintegrate without a shared house rental contract.

What's wrong with being a kept woman? My god I wish I was!

The OP sounds fine, no controlling red flags that I can see, he's just being kind and invested. Yes it's been a shortish time but sometimes people just click. That doesn't mean trees necessarily wrong.

Very simple - try it - just save your money - and you can always go home if I t t Vw doesn't feel good.

Your question really was:

As he doesn't need me to contribute, and has said I don't have to, should I, or is it ok not to, or how much would be right?

I think just take that at face value, life with him, save, buy something nice sometimes for the house or take him to dinner or whatever, and see how it pans out.

No I don't think you are morally wrong or a loser / bad woman if he pays for things (That he's already paying for anyhow).

& there goes someone who clearly knows absolutely nothing about Narcissistic abuse, yet feels qualified to diss others who do

Totally agree

When do you see your friends OP? What hobbies and interests di you pursue outside of your relationship? excellent question and well spotted!

As is the comment about if he’s so well off why does he need a mortgage?

And the comment about the source of his initial income if not simply from a wealthy family/inheritance

I’ve been in sbusive relationships before...

Which makes you MORE vulnerable than most NOT less, makes you less likely to spot red flags too.

My family all think go for it and what did they think of the abusive men and what did they say about them when you were first with them? Did you tell them straight away when the abuse started in the other relationships? Did they notice anything wrong without you telling them?

Did you have any therapy following the abusive relationships?

Maybe he is a good one, but even if he is there’s still no rush because if he’s the one for you that’s for life and you’ve got decades together ahead, waiting even another year or so won’t be the end of the world and allows you time to get to know each other before making any commitment.

He jokes that I will be a kept woman..

Many a true word spoken in jest!

For now I’ll just enjoy it as I’m so happy and he just seems perfect for me! but that’s how most people feel at this stage of a relationship!

You’re both on best behaviour, seeing each other through heavily rose tinted glasses and not wanting to even consider the negatives. That’s normal at this stage...but it doesn’t last because nobody can maintain that level of Pollyanna living!

it would be a dream to be a kept woman and a lady of leisure be careful what you wish for!

There’s no such thing as a free lunch as pps say, there’s a cost to everything. It may not be financial or directly so but it will cost you something, independence, personal security...

a gilded cage is still a cage

Exactly

Urging caution in a VERY new relationship isn’t “man hating” its sensible and is not just for the ops benefit in my case certainly, I’ve said throughout NEITHER of them knows the other well enough to make this commitment.

She could be difficult to live with in any number of ways, could take advantage of him (even if unwittingly) and that could breed resentment.

NEITHER of them is thinking fully about what is involved in living together, shown by his response to her asking what to contribute by casually saying there’s no need (is he still going to feel that way if she runs up huge electric or water bills?) and to just “help out” in terms of chores (is he still going to feel that way if she turns out to be a lazy slob who only deals with her own mess when absolutely necessary - they could have VERY different standards).

On ANY thread about moving in together posters are advised to fully discuss how finances, chores etc will work that’s just plain common sense because everyone has different ways of living and managing finances which are normal to them but may seem odd even annoying to another.

If they can’t fully and honestly discuss these things they’re obviously not ready to move in together and their desire to do so is pure romantic glow!

If op wants this relationship to succeed it’s in her best interests - their best interests - to be able to fully and brutally honestly discuss such matters.

General information for anyone who wants it .

Company directors can be checked out on the government website. Let’s imagine John Richboy had a company Smart Computers Ltd for 10 years which he sold and now has a property company.

Search companies house director list by his full name ( there’s also a month of birth ). You will see all his directorships, past and current .

I’d expect to see he was a director of :

Smart computers ltd ( or several such companies under different names eg Clever laptop repairs ltd, Excellent Phone Fixers Ltd ) From 2008-2018.

If you click on these company names You will find out more, including the code which says which type of company it was. You can see the other directors names - it’s common for these to be family members or his accountant or business partner, especially in a company set up when someone was 22. They might have resigned later.

Then you will see that John Richboy ( and probably any other directors ) resigned as a director of Smart Computers on the same date. That’s when it was sold.

Then you can google “ sale / acquisition of Smart computers Ltd January 2018” and you should find the relevant press releases and trade magazine articles.

You will also find that John Richboy is currently a director of Richboy Holdings ltd and Richboy properties ltd . Again the code will tell you what kind of company it is, if it’s a general name like “ investments” or “holdings “ .

You can see who the other directors are and who has the controlling interest.

You can download the accounts for a small fee ( they will be abbreviated accounts if it’s a small company ) .

All this info is out there, same as checking an Instagram page. It’s public to prevent fraud and to allow banks, shops etc to do due diligence.

If you apply for mortgage, buy a property, open a new bank account or apply for a business account at Argos it will be checked.

That reflects my views pretty much @Rainagain72 I would want my daughter to be more financially independent at her age. From me, from a man etc. For her own benefit and self worth.

Anyway OP you appear to have made your mind up so I wish you well. I hope it all works out as you hope.

I find it strange that you say if it doesn't work out, you'd just move back to your mum's?

Really? What if she has her own plans/hopes that don't involve having a permanent room/home for you. (Not talking about occasional visit/stay).

@MsPavlichenko

I find it strange that you say if it doesn't work out, you'd just move back to your mum's?

Really? What if she has her own plans/hopes that don't involve having a permanent room/home for you. (Not talking about occasional visit/stay).

I'm sure op is aware whether she's welcome back to her mother's house if her relationship falls apart or is unhealthy. The point is plenty of people stay because they have no where to go, op knows she does. Doesn't mean she'll line there forever but she has a safe place if she needs it

He has a very active social life and I also work on a Saturday and he does his hobby with his friends and I work one night a week doing another job too and he will also see his friends then, and I still see mine too, and just might stay at his afterwords! Also he sees his family a few times a week, and during the day and each Sunday we usually see them for a roast.

And you've been together three months so only during lockdown. Really got into the spirit of doing your bit re not mixing households and limiting social contact haven't you both?

As I said before you've both shown poor judgement for the duration of your relationship so far due to this. Good luck.

@SoulofanAggron
His saying she could do some house work in return was something that could clearly be exploited/turn nasty with the wrong guy.

And I think this is where the difference comes from my viewpoint. My idea is that it is a throwaway line so she doesn't feel like she has to contribute more.
She has already said he doesn't make her do any house work at the moment and he has an Gardner and cleaner. Most importantly she hasn't got the fabled gut feeling of anything wrong or insincere about him
So I don't understand the push that he should be viewed with suspicious and assumed guilty. That isolated incidents can be used to punished and discriminate against all men.
I do wonder what he would have had to say for you not to find him guilty? Should he have said we will split all costs and house work down the middle? Would ppl have been happier than or ( and more likely) would they still be accusing him of being guilty

@SoulofanAggron

where you got that from- she still lives with her parent(s) and her solution if it doesn't work out is to move back there again.

There are any number of reasons she lives at home. The mostly likely one being that she and her mum are happy with the situation.
Would listening to ppl who have no idea of her life show her as more independent? I would also suggest you look on the kids of deposits required to buy a house and why more young adults to stay at home longer because of it.

I would say it's about caution and being alert rather than anything else. It wouldn't effect people's relationships negatively, it's just a matter of taking care of yourself and watching out for potential pitfalls etc.
Fine - so show me a post where you have made the exact same argument with the genders reversed.

@Cheeseandwin5 for a Mumsnet win, bill paying proportionate to income, so it would depend on any net worth from his houses. However if this came to less than 28k pa before tax, he couldn't charge her now then half and that proportionate payment shouldn't cover the mortgage but she should put something on to cover rent so perhaps a full rental agreement?
Re house work, as he doesn't "work" presumably he should do what he can during the day varying any hours he's spending on his property empire but once she's gone all tasks should be split 50/50.

If they have kids, post wedding of course, they should definitely have a joint account and then bill paying is balanced. Op should have mat leave but not so long as to impact her career, and then she should return full time but he can't be a sahd as if they split, he'll use it against her in court. So presumably at this point op should insist he goes to every day whilst she's at work/commuting.

Have I missed anything?

Ultimately, I think if you love someone you want them to think well of you. When people - friends, or people you’re in a relationship with are nice and kind or generous (and yes, I’m sure for less commendable reasons sometimes) they will often insist on paying for things....not accepting that or getting something in return goes a long way. I don’t think the OP should contribute anything to this guys mortgage..that wouldn’t be fair...but I do think she should pay more than he asks / expects. It’s not just about self-respect but mutual respect.