Moving in with boyfriend - how much do I contribute?

[SunshineOverStress]

So I’m 29, and have always lived with my mum apart from when I was at college and travelling.

My lovely boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy. I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house. I don’t want him to end up feeling resentful or anything and want to contribute something but how much?!

Obviously I’ll pay towards food shopping!

I earn about 28k a year and outgoings without rent are about £780 a month

I would pay half ish food bills and contribute towards the other bills, such as electricity etc.

I would also stay at your mums for a few more months before you make the move

IDK about the mortgage- but you'll presumably be used to paying rent anyway? At least when you were at college. Either way your salary is a bit more than average, and most people pay something for their housing. Some people draw up something to the effect that their lover is a lodger at first, so they don't risk any of their property. You could ask him what he wants you to do about the mortgage and whether you to pay anything towards it. But definitely insist on going halves towards anything else.

It's ok sometimes if he insists on taking you to an expensive restaurant, and pays more than half, as he has more money than you.

We met by going on walks during lockdown

Wow. Don't move in with him yet.

I know it’s soon but what better way to get to know someone more? Like I ssid I can always move back to my mums if it didn’t work out so wouldn’t be the end of the world.

You would avoid a lot of drama by finding out about him for a fair while beforehand, through dates, chatting etc. If you want to move out of your mum's, rent your own place.

The bloke moved in with me after about three months. That was 22 years ago and we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in April. We didn’t have the financial discussion and it was fine. The only shared finance we’ve ever had was the mortgage when we moved from my little terraced house.

It all flies in the face of all MN lore but it worked. Follow your gut @SunshineOverStress. As you say, it’s all reversible if it goes tits up.

@VinylDetective thank you for your positive story - most other posters aren’t too encouraging haha! Time will tell!

I assume he's quite a bit older than you. Did you meet through online dating? Does he have any children?

I'd say your financial security is key here so I'd offer pay say £500 a month into a joint pot and then make sure you are building up your own nest egg so you aren't dependent on him if things don't work out.

You are young and child free so can probably take more risks than most of us. But make sure you are not dependent on him financially or in other ways. Make time for your friends and family. And I'd advise not to get pregnant until you are married. Don't give up your job. And don't make him the focus of your life.

@VinylDetective

The bloke moved in with me after about three months. That was 22 years ago and we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in April. We didn’t have the financial discussion and it was fine. The only shared finance we’ve ever had was the mortgage when we moved from my little terraced house.

It all flies in the face of all MN lore but it worked. Follow your gut @SunshineOverStress. As you say, it’s all reversible if it goes tits up.

So your situation was completely different, then?

What does your £708 current outgoings breakdown as? On the face of it you've got a sizeable chunk of disposable income currently? So if you were to offer DP say a £500pmth contribution, will you not be technically worse off financially than you are now?

@VinylDetective That's one of the exceptions rather than the rule. It's better for someone in general to decide what they're doing based on the risks vs. benefits, and there's no hurry for OP to do this, she'd be better to err on the side of caution.

My outgoings include paying off my car (haven’t got much longer left) car insurance and tax, diesel, my dog, mobile and amazon etc. If I paid him £500 a month I would be worse off yes as I only pay my mum £200! I’ve had it very easy I know, and should’ve saved money by now but have spent a lot on travelling which I don’t regret

He said to me I should put the money I used to pay my mum into savings to one day buy a house and hopefully together as he’s never done that before.

Be careful. I'm sure he's wonderful and seems kind for offering, but you need to understand what "helps around the house means". You don't want a free board, only to find out he is going to do no housework or cooking and it's all on you

You living there for free does put him in control, so he could kick you out should something bad happen. I would offer to be responsible for some bills, perhaps council tax and internet. If he insists you pay nothing, make sure the ground rules are agreed, and also make doubly sure that you save the equivalent in rent money each month, just so you're set up if and when you need to leave.

And no he doesn’t have any children and never been married. He’s 5 years older than me.

[quote SoulofanAggron]@VinylDetective That's one of the exceptions rather than the rule. It's better for someone in general to decide what they're doing based on the risks vs. benefits, and there's no hurry for OP to do this, she'd be better to err on the side of caution.[/quote]
It may be the exception but it can work. If OP was ten years older and/or had children I’d be urging a lot more caution but she has literally nothing to lose. She’s got an escape route if it doesn’t work out.

I’d definitely urge her not to even contemplate children without marriage and to start saving to own a property of her own. This is one of those rare situations in which there’s very little risk in deciding to suck it and see.

How old is he OP?

When I moved in with my boyfriend he was wealthy and didn't ask for anything so I spent my money on fun and expensive stuff for myself.
We're now married with DC.

Good luck OP!

I think I'd just stick to paying him the £200 you previously paid your mum. You'll be no worse off, and you get to feel on a more equal footing with paying a contribution. You'll still have plenty for savings, and if you chip in for shopping instead it could work out a lot more expensive. It's his choice to have asked you to move in, and it'd be your choice if you moved back to your mum's. So the £200pmth as board would still be the same in either option. If you want to still pay for things like the £60 for travel/drinks the odd time then do that too.

@UnfinishedSymphon

How old is he OP?

RTFT

Yikes alarm bells ringing for me to be honest

Be really careful please

Iv come across this type before

Sorry if that sounds harsh xx

3 months waaaay too quick 😢😢😢

CasuallyMasculine Yeah I missed that, thanks for pointing it out

300 on a meal for two?
Wow

60 travel is a lot for one evening out

See it as a,trial and keep your wits about you.

Go with one suitcase initially for a few weeks ...see what he is really like.

Dont become a skivvy or household ornament

If you go ahead, make sure you squirrel away plenty of savings to get your own place. Don’t buy somewhere with him, you want your own security that you can escape to if it all goes wrong.

What about the dog?

Funny how there’s another thread where OP is getting a bashing for asking if 1,500 a month is enough to live off after bills and then there’s this thread

Ok so I have been staying there 6 nights a week as it is so hopefully he doesn’t drastically change randomly just because I’ve officially moved in! He literally does loads for me and is the most kindest and thoughtful person I’ve ever met!
We always said my dog would stay with my mum if I moved out as he’s basically hers hes old and he’s super attached to her and loves her more than me lol but obviously I’d still pay for him and see him!! I had another dog that recently died and she would’ve came with me if she was alive.