Moving in with boyfriend - how much do I contribute?

[SunshineOverStress]

So I’m 29, and have always lived with my mum apart from when I was at college and travelling.

My lovely boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy. I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house. I don’t want him to end up feeling resentful or anything and want to contribute something but how much?!

Obviously I’ll pay towards food shopping!

I earn about 28k a year and outgoings without rent are about £780 a month

How long have you been together?

Is he a lot older than you?

Would buy your own investment property instead and keep your independence

How does he see your relationship going forward, is he talking about marriage and or children?

@Natsel84

Nothing towards the mortgage but a contribution to all other bills . Gas , electric ,water , council tax and TV licence .

The OP isn’t a party to the mortgage so she shouldn’t pay it. She should pay rent.

I can’t believe people think they can live rent free off the assets of someone else. Pay for a roof over your head. But that’s not the same as buying property.

@Cheeseandwin5

There was a post here recently where the roles were reversed and ppl were demanding that the DH pay at least half off all costs as well make up for any allowances she lost. I would assume these things would still stand, up to a point where the OP was getting into debt. If your DH doesn't want the money, than put it in a savings account. I also don't like the idea from those saying keep the money on the sly. It is unfair to think she cant contribute more whilst she is building up huge amounts separately.

Totally agree. If the tables were turned there would be a host of different responses..

can’t believe people think they can live rent free off the assets of someone else

Even if that’s what the “someone else” is crystal clear that’s what they want?

@AttilaTheMeerkat

We’ve only been together 3 months and it’s been amazing and does feel right! He’s 34.

Worse case scenario I can always move back to my mums!

He said he can see a future with me and even marriage and kids in time, but he isn’t too forward because obviously we are still getting to know each other so he’s not too heavy or love bombing etc!

Use the money you would pay in rent to get a cleaner in and save both yourselves the daily grind of housework

He sounds lovely & kind OP. Don’t listen to people here demanding that you should pay your way. Why would you if he’s saying not to? I don’t believe either that he wants you to be housekeeper, how ridiculous these comments are!

Just enjoy living with him, save up your money and perhaps you can take him away every so often for a nice weekend or something.

Ps has he got a (much) older brother? 😆

THREE MONTHS?!?!
Wow that’s quick.

@VinylDetective

can’t believe people think they can live rent free off the assets of someone else

Even if that’s what the “someone else” is crystal clear that’s what they want?

Yes. We should all have some dignity and common sense in life.

Three months and he's moving you in and talking about marriage and babies? Yeh, he's not too forward at all. Do you not know what love bombing is?

There’s nothing dignified about forcing money on someone who doesn’t want it. That’s a ludicrous argument.

Op DH and I were moved in together by 4 months as we both had to give notice on our homes. Engaged at 6 and married 12 months after that. Now 3 kids and married 7 years. Don't worry about those telling you it's too soon, but you should of always be aware of how he treats you.

I'd offer again, suggest maybe covering a set bill and the change in council tax. If he says no then I'd probably pick up a shop here and there, whether it's a top up shop or some nice extra etc every week.

Then of your 1k spend I'd prioritize any debt, put some in a long term savings pot, some in more accessible savings and then the rest for food shop, social life and personal bits

You've only been together for 3 months? How long have you actually known him?

It's good you have a back up plan of moving back to your mother's.

Also how does so many people get partners during lockdown??

Where do you stand on paying for meals, days/nights out? Do you take it in turns, pay equal shares, or does he tend to pay? Basically is he happy with a pub meal or can it run into £xxx's? I'd also discuss what happens with any upcoming holiday plans in case he wants to go 5* vs something cheaper? I'd sit down together and work through each others expectations and affordability of things like those too. If not it might seem like he's putting his hand in his pocket all the time if he wants to do things outside your budget. Or even worse you'll end up broke by trying to keep up with him on top of your household contributions.

You’ve only been seeing him three months, and haven’t had an open and frank conversation about finances should you move in together?

Jeez don’t move in with him yet. What’s the rush, you’re pretty young and have never lived alone. At a risk of sounding like an old fogey hang on for a bit. You hardly know someone after three months and potentially could end up in a really unbalanced situation.

Three months? Don't be mental 🤣

I had a similar situation when I met my DP, he’s fairly well off and has always insisted that he pays for everything house related. Things moved faster than any relationship I’ve been in and still worked out well (2 years down the line and now engaged). We’re expecting our first baby next month and I’ve been able to save a large sum of money from having minimal outgoings. That would be my only advice is to save so if things were to go wrong you’re not left with nothing.

I was going to say, if marriage is important and you'd been dating a good long while tell him you want a ring on your finger and a date set before you move in

But THREE MONTHS? How did you even meet under lockdown...

I moved in with my now dh after 6 months. I moved areas to live with him. He owned his house already but his mortgage was quite low (about 600- 15 years ago). I gave him £350pm to contribute towards mortgage and bills. We then took it in turns for shopping.

@user15369525797567

Three months and he's moving you in and talking about marriage and babies? Yeh, he's not too forward at all. Do you not know what love bombing is?

This!

Look up lovebombing OP. Look up idealise, devalue, discard.

We met by going on walks during lockdown and then broke the rules admittedly!

When we go out he Pays for the majority and I pay for some - for instance last night we went into London for drinks and a nice meal - I paid £60 for our travel and a couple of drinks, he paid £300 for our meal.

He isn’t flash or snobby or anything and would be happy with a Nando’s!! So although I do usually contribute when we go out, he obviously spends a lot more than me! And he wants to! I have to insist when I get things, I don’t think he would expect me to try and keep up with him.
I love fancy holidays but also backpacking hostel holidays, and so does he, so don’t think there will be a problem there.

I know it’s soon but what better way to get to know someone more? Like I ssid I can always move back to my mums if it didn’t work out so wouldn’t be the end of the world.

I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house

Ha! That could easily lead to him making you do a ridiculous amount of stuff. Even if not, I would go halves on everything that you both are going to use.

It's not like you can't afford it as you'd be paying for your utilities, internet etc if you lived alone anyway. Even if his place is larger so fuel bill is more expensive, what you pay will probably be less than you do by yourself, as you're going halves on it.

Do you have savings? If you have enough for a deposit I would get a BTL apartment for your own security. As for contributions I would pay so The cleaner is once a week instead of eow, half food shopping and half the council tax.

It's a new relationship to start two of financial tangled with him. If things are going well you can reevaluate later.

It's different to the ones where a man is moving in with a single mum as I'm guessing your boyfriend won't have benefits to lose.

Also I genuinely don’t think he’s love bombing me. He was single for 8 months Before I met him and had been in a 4 year relationship, another 4 year before that and a 7 year relationship. So he definitely doesn’t seem a player or anything!